notes: My very first Code Geass fic, so please take it easy on me. I can't believe it took me this long to finally write something for this perfect anime, though. Also, happy birthday to my knight in shining armor, and because it's his birthday, here's some angsty Suzaku for you guys. Sorry if he's OOC; I had trouble writing him. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
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Burning Bridges
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On the day of Zero Requiem, Suzaku realizes that he's been carrying the world on his shoulders for as long as he could remember.
He doesn't know when he first began to carry this burden. Maybe it started on the day when he finally killed his father, his own father, with his own hands. Maybe it started even before that, when he first began to see exactly what kind of man his father was. Maybe it started even before that.
But as he takes his sword and plunges it straight through Lelouch, it finally strikes him. Hard.
Everything is on him now. Everything.
Suzaku Kururugi is no longer, because now, he is Zero, the person behind the Black Rebellion.
The reason why Euphy died.
Lelouch vi Britannia will be erased from the world and will become a nobody, and Suzaku still isn't completely convinced that this is will solve everything, but he's willing to give it a try.
This isn't the end for either of them, except it is.
He's barely able to make out Lelouch's dead body through the tears in his eyes, and he can make out blood and blood and blood and he wants to take off the mask because this isn't his. It's Lelouch's and it will always be Lelouch's and only Lelouch's and Lelouch Lelouch Lelouch–
Suzaku takes the sword out of Lelouch's chest, and he watches as Lelouch tumbles down from his throne (of lies) until he's lying next to Nunnally, the reason for everything Lelouch has done, the person Lelouch would never dare to hurt in any way possible.
And that's when the world goes dark.
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I am Zero.
I am Zero.
I am Zero.
Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero–
Suzaku screams and throws his–no, the–mask off.
It isn't his. It isn't his. It isn't his.
He shouldn't have visited his own grave in the middle of the night. He should never have come here in the first place. Everything is coming back. It's all coming back.
He wonders what Euphy would say to him right now.
He can't help but admit that screaming like this in the middle of the night with no one around feels so, so good, though.
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"Zero?"
Suzaku is alone with Nunnally in her room. Her fingers are interlaced together, and a frown is on her face.
"What is it, Your Highness?" he asks. He still thinks of Lelouch every time he hears that wretched name.
"If you aren't Lelouch..." she begins, rubbing her hands together, biting her bottom lip, "then... who are you?"
Suzaku's heart skips a beat. He knew this question would come up eventually. He still hasn't come up with a way to answer it, though.
He wants to tell her the truth, that it's Suzaku, the one who's been by her side ever since, the one who will always be by her side and care for her for the rest of eternity.
He doesn't say that, though.
Instead, he kneels in front of her and holds her hands, and he makes sure to keep his back straight, just like the knight he is. He doesn't know what to say. He really doesn't.
So he decides to settle with, "Maybe I'll tell you someday, but right now, you have a meeting to attend, Your Highness. You need to be getting there soon."
For some reason, he closes his eyes tightly. He doesn't know why. Maybe he just doesn't want to see the look on Nunnally's face right now.
For a moment, he's thankful for the mask, thankful for Lelouch.
Only for a moment.
"…Yes, you're right," she finally says.
Suzaku stands up—back straight—and wheels Nunnally to the meeting room.
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Suzaku has his own private quarters, and he's glad he does.
Sometimes, he'd lay down on his bed and just think. Think about everything that's been going on in his life, everything that had happened in the past, everything that could happen in the future, everything. It gives him comfort to be able to do this.
On some nights, when things around him are relaxed and not so serious, he'd sneak out and make his way to the graveyard. He wants to believe that he's just grieving the dead, that he misses Euphy and Lelouch and that there's this aching part of him that wants them back.
He doesn't think that's true, though.
But tonight, he chooses to stay in his bed and just think.
It isn't long before he goes to sleep, and darkness washes over everything once again and the familiar tears start rolling down his cheeks.
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"Zero, can you take me to the graveyard?"
Suzaku raises a brow, even though he knows Nunnally can't see his face behind his mask. "Anything for you, Your Highness, but… why exactly do you want to go?"
"I want to say hi to my brother. It's been too long. I also want to say hi to Suzaku and Euphy."
His breath catches in his throat at the sound of his name. He wants to tell Nunnally that Suzaku isn't dead, that he's standing right in front of her.
But he doesn't do it.
Instead, he nods. "I understand. How does this afternoon after lunch sound?"
"Okay!" she exclaims cheerfully, a (painfully) bright smile on her face.
And that's when he realizes it. Nunnally misses him and Lelouch and Euphy and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. She wants them back in her life, wants the days where everyone who is important to her was still alive.
But the simple fact that she's smiling says so, so much.
She isn't screaming in agony like he is.
She isn't crying every single night like he is.
She isn't consumed by the pain like he is.
She's learning how to move on.
But he isn't.
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Tonight, he decides to visit the graveyard.
There's something about standing in front of his own grave that gives him goosebumps and sends chills down his spine. He doesn't even know why he's standing in front of it. Maybe he still finds it weird that the whole world thinks he's dead, yet here he is, in an outfit that belongs to someone else, wearing a mask that belongs to someone else.
He wants to take off this mask, but he doesn't.
He feels like he needs to say something to his own gravestone, because that's what someone would normally do, but he decides against it.
After all, this isn't what he came here for.
He approaches Euphy's grave first.
"Euphy…" he begins, and he can't find the right words to say. "Saying that I miss you would be such a stupid thing to say, but I really don't know what else I should say. I…" He takes a deep breath. "I hope you're doing all right, wherever you are. I hope you're happy now. The world is finally more peaceful, and it's all thanks to Lelouch. Your dream is real now. You must be so proud of him."
He smiles a small smile, before facing Lelouch's grave.
"You idiot," he begins. "You weren't even supposed to have a gravestone in the first place. You should be grateful that Nunnally loves you so much." His intention is to sound hostile, but his voice cracks nonetheless.
"I will never forgive you for killing Euphy and for all the horrible things you have done. I can't believe I'm saying this, but…" He gulps. "Your intentions in the end were good, and even if it's only a little bit, I won't deny the fact that… I miss you. You were my friend, and I could never figure you out, but I missed the days in our childhood when me, you, and Nunnally, when the three of us were still so close. I'm not sure if I can truly say that you were still my friend in the end, but… I miss you, Lelouch. I really do."
He doesn't talk about how similar he and Lelouch actually were, that they were both living a life of lies, that everybody in the world in the world is somehow living a life of lies. He refuses to admit that straight to him.
"But I think I've finally learned to accept what happened that day," he began again. "You gave me this mask for a reason. I need to be the hero that everybody looks up to, the way you wanted things to be. I knew what I was going into when I agreed to Zero Requiem, but just look at me now. I'm a complete mess." He lets out a dry laugh. "I still need to fulfill my side of the deal.
"So from now on, I'll let go of Suzaku Kururugi. Suzaku Kururugi is dead. But Zero is still alive."
He turns away from Lelouch's grave and makes his way back to his quarters.
He makes one last stop, though.
"Suzaku Kururugi, huh…" says Zero as he looks at the gravestone in front of him. "I heard he was a great guy."
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"Your Highness?"
She looks up at him. "What is it?"
"I remember when you asked me who the person underneath this mask is, and I think it's about time I finally give you an answer."
Her eyes widen. She doesn't say anything, though.
"There is nobody under this mask. I am simply just Zero, and that's it," he responds.
He doesn't have to look at her face to know that she doesn't understand a thing he said. But that's fine with him.
"Zero, may you take me to the graveyard again?" she suddenly asks.
Zero looks at her. There is no surprise or shock or anything on his face. He's simply just neutral. "But didn't you just go a couple days ago?"
"Yes, but today is July tenth," she explains. "It's Suzaku's birthday. I want to say happy birthday to him."
"I see," says Zero. "In that case, I will certainly take you."
She smiles. "Thank you."
"If you don't mind me asking, what significance does this Suzaku play in your life?" he inquires.
"Well…" she begins. "He was a really close friend of mine. We were childhood friends, actually, me, him, and Lelouch, my older brother. It wasn't long before my brother died that Suzaku died, too…" She was looking down at the ground, obviously refusing to look up. "He was a great guy, and so was my brother. I wish they were still here…"
Zero doesn't have to look at her to know that tears are falling down.
On moments like these, he treasures his mask more than ever.
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fin