Finding Myself
Takato is in love with someone, but it isn't his wife who could it be? No Flames please
I can't say that life was bad, but I always felt that there was something lacking. Like I wanted more from her, a person that she could never be. Was there anything wrong with her to make me not want her? No, it wasn't she herself, but it was what she lacked that made me feel like I wasn't whole.
I pondered so many things as I lied there, on that bed that one hot summer's day. Could I truly be happy like this? Was this the way I wanted to spend the rest of my life waking up in bed with her? She was and still is the only girl I could ever love, but there was just something about her that didn't make me feel like I was a man. Maybe it was the way she talked to me with her "baby" voice, maybe it was the way she loved the kids more than she loved me, but even after three years of marriage I couldn't get that one person's image out of my head.
I often found myself sitting in the bars drinking heavily and picturing that one person, why did I let them go?
I could hear Jeri in the other room playing, laughing, and talking to the kids. She was a natural mother, a natural wife, a wife that any man could adore and I did adore her, I admired her strengths, I loved how she could love whether she knew that the other person was loving her or not, but she wasn't that person, the only person who could make me feel whole.
As I lied there I wondered, if that person loved me just like I loved them and how would Jeri handle it if I told her we were no more? Would she ever be able to forgive me? Would she accept who I really am?
I got myself up and dressed, and I headed out towards the door. Jeri looked up at me and smiled, I hate to do this to her, but it's not love if you don't feel whole.
"Jeri, I'm off to look for more work," I had lost my job nearly six months ago and wasn't really bound to finding another job, it was an excuse, an excuse to get me out of the house.
"Good luck," Jeri cheerful as always, it must hurt not knowing, not knowing what the future has in store.
I opened the door and took a deep breath as I closed the door, Jeri deserved better than this, better than me. Normally your wedding day is the best day of your life, mine was however my worst. I had to sit there next to Jeri, pretending that I loved her, while I hid my feelings from that person. I remember watching that person sit there and chat, talk, laugh as I sat there wondering why I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I proposed to the wrong person because I felt that I had to propose to her and not them.
I got in my car and drove to my favorite bar, another hard night of drinking and after I was done drinking I would have to spend hours trying to rid myself of the alcohol smell so that I could go back home to her and make love to her. I wish I enjoyed it, I mean who doesn't enjoy sex? It wasn't love, maybe for her it was, but not for me. I just couldn't love her.
I took my first step in the bar and for the first time since last night when I left, I smiled a real smile. I sat at my favorite bar stool and ordered my favorite drink, yup I was going to get laid tonight, joy…
"Back again I see," The bartender looked at me, ah Benny, my good friend.
"Had to get away from the wife and kids," I had to sound like every other drunkard coming to a bar, while not lying either. It was then that I decided to turn my head to look at the people playing pool when I saw that person, my heart had never beat faster.
I decided to walk myself over, "H-hi…" I stuttered.
"Takato, long time no see," That person smiled, my heart was all aflutter
"H-hi," I repeated, I must sound so stupid.
"Yeah, you already said that," That person chuckled.
"Henry, I LOVE YOU!" I blurted, that sounded stupid. Oh God, that look on his face, he must not, he must not feel the same way.
"Takato…if it were three maybe four years earlier, we could've been something, but once you got married I gave up and that's when I found Kazu, he's the best lover anyone could ever know," and it was like right on cue that Kazu came over to Henry and they started making out, my dreams, my life, my love, everything was crushed and now, now I was doomed to stay with Jeri for the remainder of my life.
I quickly left the bar, crushed, I couldn't bear to stand in there and watch them together. I ran to the nearest bridge and contemplated jumping off it. If I couldn't have him then there was no reason to live. I stood on the railing and said my last prayers and jumped.
The End