Hello delightful readers / audience! My random piece of poetry today is by Douglas Adams and 'tis worthy of Apollo!
Oh flundered gruntbuggly,
Thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee
That mordiously hath bitled out
Its earted jurtles
Into a rancid festering
Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles
Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts
And living glupules frart and slipulate
Like jowling meated liverslime
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
And hooptiously drangle me
With crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon
See if I don't.
I don't own that, or PJO. (Sadly on the second, happily on the first.)
Enjoy the story!
Artemis and Apollo's Immortal Group of Teenage Minions
"What I don't understand is why you get a group of immortal teenagers to do your bidding and I don't! It's not fair!" The two young gods stood on the archery fields of Mount Olympus, one squinting past her brother, trying to see the distant target, the other pacing in front of his sister, complaining loudly and waving his hands emphatically to get his point across better. "I'm the older twin after all! If anyone should be deprived of a group of minions, it's you!"
Artemis gave up straining to see the mark and slumped, massaging her temples. "Either move or leave. I'm trying to practice my archery and you are in my way," she told Apollo bluntly. He did not move. He did not leave either. Artemis was unsurprised. He had not moved the previous thirty times she had asked him to. Or left. And he hadn't acknowledged or responded to the subtle hints she had given him before that.
Or to the running away she had attempted before that.
Or the hiding she had done before that.
So far, Artemis's attempts at losing the sun god were what one might call "unsuccessful."
"Oh yes? You're trying to practice archery? Well, I am trying to complain about this grievous miscarriage of justice!" Artemis seemed to be developing a tic on the left side of her face. She closed her eyes, breathing deeply. Do not attack him. Do not attack him. Do not attack him. Zeus has explicitly prohibited you from attacking him. Just five more days. Hold on for five more days. Do not attack him. And next time, look to see whose statue he is shielding himself behind before blasting it to pieces. Then attack him. But for now, do not attack him. Do not attack him. Do not attack him.
Sufficiently calmed down, Artemis stopped breathing deeply and opened her eyes again. Apollo was still talking.
Exasperated, Artemis decided that if she ignored the irksome being pacing in front of her, it would go away eventually. She would go about her business as if it wasn't even there.
Smoothly, swiftly, Artemis drew three arrows from the sheath strung across her back, lifted the bow, drew the cord back to her ear, aimed carefully at the distant target, and released, sending the projectiles whistling through the air. They hit the bullseye simultaneously, causing a resounding thump that echoed back across the field. A slight smirk of satisfaction appeared on her face.
Apollo's reaction to the arrows was minuscule. He merely reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, paying special attention to the where the bolts had passed through it, and continued whining.
Artemis sighed. Her brother had to be the most annoying deity ever to walk on the earth. It could be worse though - at least he isn't reciting poe-
"Immortal minions would be really cool,
They would follow my bidding because they are fools,
I know I might need to lay down a few rules,
But I'd say over all they're more awesome than mules."
-try. Artemis groaned, and clapped her hands over her ears. Spoke to soon. Seeing Apollo gearing up for another one of his "masterpieces," Artemis hastily removed her hands from her ears, and placed them over her brother's mouth.
Ignoring Apollo's spluttering and his struggling attempts to remove her hands, Artemis exclaimed, "I know how you can get a group of immortal followers!"
Apollo stilled, staring at her with wide eyes. Artemis cautiously removed her hands. No poetry spilled out. Good sign. "Really?" he asked, shocked.
"Yes."
"You can get me minions?"
Wincing slightly at his slightly crude phrasing, Artemis again replied, "Yes."
"How?" Apollo was now hanging on to her every word.
"Why should I tell you?"
"Because..." Apollo seemed to be searching his head for ideas, then he brightened, finding one. "I'm about to compose a poem in your honor!" Apollo seemed to think that she would love this (he did not see her staring at him in horror) and he cleared his throat. "Artemis is the second most-"
Artemis interrupted him hastily. "NO! No! That's okay! You don't have to!" Apollo seemed to deflate a little. "I'll tell you regardless!" He perked up again. Artemis continued on in a regal, important sounding voice. "To acquire a group of immortal minions, you must first-"
"WAIT!" Apollo cried. She stopped, slightly bewildered. He pulled out a piece of paper and started to scribble, muttering, "To acquire group of minions, first," he motioned for her to continue.
Okay then. "To acquire a group of immortal minions, you must first have no contact with any of your relatives for two weeks." Artemis paused, letting him write this down. This part was slightly made up, but was very important for her sanity. "Then, you need to go to Zeus and request permission to form a group of immortal followers. Present him with a list of your requirements and then all that is left to do is find some mortals stupid enough to follow you."
Apollo finished writing and dashed off, not even bothering to thank her or say goodbye.
And Artemis went back to her archery, finally at peace.
~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~Three weeks later~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~
"Artemis." She looked up to see her father standing over her. "Why has Apollo come to me requesting a band of 'minions?'"
Artemis shrugged noncommittally, answering his question with one of her own. "Did you grant him a group of immortal followers?"
"Yes, I did."
Artemis looked at him, slightly scared. "You actually let him have one? Let another one of my brothers form a group of, as they all put it, minions? Don't you remember last time's fiasco, with Ares..." She trailed off, shuddering.
"Don't look concerned. Nothing harmful, or beneficial, could possibly come from this." Seeing Artemis's incredulous look, he elaborated. "You know the list of requirements?"
"Yes."
"Well you see," Zeus leaned closer. "The reason that I wasn't worried, and still am not, is that, one of his requirements is that anyone who joins his group has to, well ... like his poetry."
~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~Some time later~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~
"What I don't understand is why you get a group of immortal teenagers to do your bidding and I don't! It's not fair!" The two gods once again stood on the archery fields of Mount Olympus, Artemis again trying to see the target, Apollo again hindering this process by standing immediately in front of her. "I'm the older twin after all! If anyone should be deprived of a group of minions, it's you!"
Artemis turned to Apollo, throwing her hands up in the air. "We have been over this! In fact, we have had this exact conversation before. You had a group of immortal teenage minions, but you blew it. No one would join because they had to like your poetry, and if they didn't, they were stripped of their immortality. There is no one, absolutely no one, who likes your poetry, Apollo!"
Apollo blinked. "But my poetry is awesome!"
Artemis groaned. She took a calming breath, and turned to Apollo, bluntly stating, "I am about to attack you. I suggest you run."
Her brother paled. And ran.
Watching him leave, Artemis shook her head bemusedly. Maybe one day, Apollo would become a more mature god, one with better poetry. But she wouldn't count on it.
At least, not for another thousand years.
Hope you liked it!
Now for a shout out to all those who reviewed the first one shot in this series of random one shots. (The first being Nico DiAngelo and the Big Bouncy Red Rubber Ball.)
Thank you to...
XxNeonShadowsxX
Bubblegum04
seas secret keeper6
Dark Dragon99
Visual Vexation
Lord Sanguine
PhoenixWormwood137
Dizzy-Kun
HecateA
ncalkins
Lemariz
If I missed anyone, I'm sorry! And if you have read the poetry at the top before I put it on here and know what it is from, you are officially cool.
Please review! I would say pretty please, but I think that all of the average looking, and ugly pleases are feeling left out. Besides, all of those pretty pleases are Mary Sues anyway.
So there is a please with slightly close set eyes who gets really worked up over the smallest thing and hates tea. She would like you to review. Not to mention that reviews give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.