Author's Note: I don't own Degrassi nor any other literary or pop culture references. Hello there, dear readers. It's been a while. Honestly, I just haven't had any light bulbs switching on in my head to lead me to write anything. Season 11 is rocking my face off, to be honest. I'm really intrigued as to where things are going, and thus, this was born. For anyone new to my writing, you can find me on twitter at takethecurve and also on tumblr at takethecurve dot tumblr dot com. As always, I love feedback, so if you feel like it, drop me some lines down at that cute little review button.
All In My Head
I tried to say goodbye to Jake and his dad as calmly and collectively as possible. My mother was far too interested in the pair of them to notice anything off about myself, for which I was grateful. As the door closed and she set about cleaning up the dishes from dinner, I quietly slipped upstairs to my room, leaning back against the door as I closed it behind me.
Absentmindedly, the fingers of my right hand raised to brush my lips as the memory of Jake's kiss flashed across my mind like a strike of lightning in a summer storm. I hadn't expected it, and now, safely alone in my room, I allowed myself to think about what would happen next. Did I want something to happen? Was I ready? For that brief moment that our lips met, Eli was gone from my mind completely, but why was that? Was it because I was so surprised, or because this was the push I needed to begin putting that part of my past behind me? If it was, why didn't I feel more at ease with myself?
I strode across the room to my dresser, pulling out a pair of knit shorts and an old church camp t-shirt, before stepping into the bathroom. As my eyes stared back at myself in the mirror, I wondered why Jake would have kissed me in the first place. We haven't seen or heard from each other in six years, and on his first night back, he plants one on me? I shook my head, making no sense of anything. I dropped my dress and cardigan into the hamper and pulled on my pajamas, tossing my headband in a drawer underneath the sink.
As I turned out the lights and crawled into bed, Eli's face began to creep back into my head. No matter how distracting the kiss was, it didn't stop the fact that Eli's complete change in attitude was bothering me. How could it not? We spent most of the school year in each other's presence, and now suddenly, it's like it never happened. How could the guy who crashed a car "for us" barely a week ago be so calm and detached? How could he not feel anything towards me anymore? I was the one who ended it, and I still felt terrible. The night after the accident, it was so hard going to sleep not hearing his voice. I hadn't realized how accustomed I was to him until he wasn't present.
I turned over, feeling a flush of embarrassment crash over me as I recalled how I had acted at Above the Dot. It was like someone else took over my body. The words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them, and now that it was over, I don't know how I didn't see the verbal daggers darting from my lips. How could I have thrown out his dirty laundry to everyone we know? Eli's such a private person, and I just screamed Julia's name above the shocked hush that fell over the crowd of our friends and classmates. Thinking of Julia brought back a hint of anger, though, as I remembered why I was mad in the first place. How could he be so calm? Why didn't I mean more to him?
I slept fitfully, my brain continuously switching gears between what happened with Jake and my humiliating experience with Eli. When the morning sun finally crept over my windowsill, I rubbed my eyes and slithered out of bed, wishing I'd just knocked myself out with some benadryl or something. It's only the second day back from break, and I'm already exhausted. Call me crazy, but it didn't feel like a good sign for how the rest of the semester would play out.
After I was freshly showered and clothed in my lovely uniform, I crept downstairs for breakfast, hoping against hope that my mom wouldn't be waiting for me. I sighed as the clink of dishes reached my ears as I plopped down off the last step.
"Clare! Come on, we've only got about fifteen minutes before you need to leave for school," she called.
I dropped my bag down beside the table, taking my usual seat. My mom placed a bowl of cinnamon apple oatmeal in front of me before sitting down herself.
"So, dinner last night went well," she began.
Oh great. Here we go, I thought.
"Yeah," I surmised, taking a hesitant bite of oatmeal, judging the temperature.
"You and Jake seemed to hit it off," she pointed, her eyebrow rising as a smile crept across her face.
"Mom, can we not?" I asked, hoping she would listen.
"What? I'm just having a conversation."
"Jake is Jake," I said sarcastically. "I introduced him to everybody. He seemed to get along just fine."
"I wish you wouldn't be so negative. I thought I'd get my sweet Clare back after..."
She paused.
"After what, Mom?" I spat. "After Eli wasn't in the picture?"
"Don't snap at me, Clare," she warned.
I didn't respond, turning my attention to my oatmeal. Luckily, my mom didn't push the subject any further, and after what felt like the most uncomfortable five minutes of my life, she took our dishes, and we silently grabbed our things and headed for the car. The ride proceeded in complete silence as I stared out the window at the passing cars.
About halfway to Degrassi, my mother broke the silence.
"Clare, please say something."
"What would you like me to say?" I sighed.
"I'm sorry I brought up... your breakup, but honey, you don't need to dwell on the past, and maybe Glen and Jake have been brought back into our lives for a reason. That's all I'm saying," she explained.
"I hear you, Mom, but I'm sorry if I'm not ready to plan our wedding," I told her. "I broke up with Eli a week ago. Can I not have some time to regroup?"
The car came to a stop on the curb in front of the school.
"Of course you can. Nobody expects you to act like nothing happened. Just try to have a good day, okay?" she smiled.
"Okay, bye, Mom," I answered, stepping out of the car and walking to a seated Alli next to the school sign.
Alli looked up, seeming unsure of what to say.
"It's okay, Alli, we can talk about the elephant in the room... or rather the one at Above the Dot," I teased.
"So... feel any better?" she asked tentatively.
"Not really, but I do have some other stuff to tell you about," I began.
After filling her in on the events of the previous night, I found the tension from the fight with my mom leaving my shoulders. Alli gushed at all the appropriate points as I told her about the talk Jake and I had before he kissed me. Once we walked into the school, I knew I needed to find Eli and apologize for my behavior. I was both embarrassed and ashamed, and he needed to know that I deeply regretted what I did. As I finished my conversation with Alli, I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and decided there was no time like the present.
His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never fathomed that his behavior might have a medicinal cause. I was taken aback by the way that he told me, like it was just everyday lunch conversation. As he walked off, I stood there, stunned.
Did this change things? Yes, I couldn't lie to myself. I couldn't believe that he didn't still have some residual feelings for me, but to know that whatever feelings he had were being stifled by anti-anxiety pills shook me to the core. I knew that he had always probably needed a therapist, but I had never really thought about him needing to be medicated.
I turned to walk to my locker, saddened by the realization that this shell of Eli would probably never really laugh or smile that crooked smile, at least not genuinely. Sure Eli was unstable and unpredictable before, but was this the price for him to be okay? Could you really call him okay? He's not better; he's just numbed. It almost made me sick to my stomach to think of him having to live the rest of his life like this. Would he have been okay if I had never come into the picture? My gut told me no, but I couldn't help but feel like I caused this shell of a person to be walking the halls wearing his face.
I began turning the dial on my locker when a tall figure leaned on the locker next to mine, flashing a grin as he looked down at me.
"Morning," he said lightly, tilting his head.
"Morning," I answered, nervous for what he was about to say.
"Apparently your mother made another set of dinner plans for the four of us tomorrow night at our place. Are you gonna prepare our ditching excuse again, or should I?" he teased.
I chuckled in spite of myself as I grabbed my books for my first class.
"Right, my turn," he surmised. "Don't worry; I won't have an emotional outburst this time if you won't."
I turned to defend myself, but instead of genuine teasing, I found a silly smile spread across his face.
"Think you can make it through day two without getting lost?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Maybe you should walk me to class, just in case," he replied, flicking out his course schedule between two fingers.
I took it and led us down the hall. Maybe my mom was right. Jake wasn't a bad guy, so there's no reason I had to ignore him. I needed some fun in my life, some distraction from the drama.
Even as my brain justified my actions, my heart ached for the boy I left behind, and I wondered if I would ever see the real him again. Jake may have been smiling brilliantly beside me, but my heart yearned for that lopsided smirk.