So Infuriating
A Story One-shot
Watch out guys; this one's gonna be an angsty one. Why so many Shades of London fics? I have no idea. We'll see where this one goes.
So Infuriating
I could tell something was up the minute I opened my eyes.
First of all, Boo wasn't hovering an inch above my face, yelling some incoherent sentence about sleeping in or something. Second, there was no smell of cooking food coming from the kitchen, a sign that usually meant one of them- either Boo, Stephen, or Callum- were making breakfast. Third, the most important fact, was that Stephen was currently walking out the door, looking and acting like a zombie. You could tell from his five o clock shadow, along with the rumpled clothes and shuffling gait, that he wasn't okay.
"Stephen?" I asked, groggily pulling myself up into a sitting position, making sure to pop out all the kinks in my back, grumbling slightly about how the stupid couch made me feel like an old woman.
"Go back to sleep," he said, already closing the door.
It was then that I realized what time it was; four thirty A.M, according to the time on the clock hanging on the wall. I groaned, inwardly cursing Stephen for waking me at this ridiculous hour. But then I remembered the look on his face, how broken he seemed, so I dragged my somewhat immobile body off the couch, still in my pajamas, I might add, and tugged on some shoes before grabbing the coat Boo was lending me. Then I followed Stephen out the door.
"Wait up!" I called as I struggled to walk and pull up the zipper and flip up the hood at the same time. Stephen turned, an eyebrow raised.
"What are you doing?" he snapped, but came to a stop when I finally managed to start catching up to him, like he was actually waiting for me.
"Coming with you. You look like you need some company." I stopped in front of him, hands on my hips. "Got a problem with that?"
He opened his mouth to say something, but then his eyes dulled and he shut it. It was like he was keeping himself from feeling. He closed his eyes. "Come on."
I gave him a concerned look, but nodded. I unknowingly reached out for his hand, and he stayed frozen for a minute before intertwining his fingers with mine.
We walked through the streets, not saying anything. It was generally quiet, but the sound of a car passing broke the silence once or twice. It was pretty nice, actually, to just be. Not worry about anything going on in life, just being. I liked it, and I especially liked the way my hand just fit perfectly with Stephen's. Like we were two pieces of the same whole.
We came to a stop at the cemetery gates. My eyes widened, but I didn't make a move to stop. I just let me feet move, kinda like I was there but not really there.
We weaved amongst the tombstones, until finally Stephen stopped at one. It was really too dark to read the writing, but I knew who it was.
His sister, Regina.
No wonder he looked a little more out of it than he usually did. I squeezed his hand, but he was unresponsive. My hand fell away as he sat down in the grass, and I took a step back, giving him his moment.
He just sat there for a while, and I waited, impatient as I was. There was some part of me saying, "Let's go have some fun!" while the other part of me was saying, "Shut up, and give him a minute!"
He stood up after some time, and I took that as my cue to speak. "Was it today? The day she..."
Stephen looked at me, a small amount of misery in his eyes. "Yes. Today is the day my sister died of overdose." The way he said it, like it was just a normal, everyday thing, ignited some sort of flame in me.
"And are you... okay? Do you need a hug or something?"
And with that, all emotion but a small flicker left his eyes. "I'm fine."
I furrowed my brows. "You sure?" I reached out to grab his hand, but he just pulled away. When I looked up into those grey eyes, there was nothing. No hurt, no pain, no emotion at all.
"I'm fine. My sister died of overdose, and I tried to kill myself. I'm seriously okay." His eyes were still dull. Just empty voids, like he wasn't even there. "There's nothing you need to worry about."
Something snapped. "How can you stand doing that!?"
"Doing what?" He looked like he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.
"Shutting yourself down when things get tough!? I don't know if you've seen yourself in situations like this, but you look like a robot! Your sister killed herself! YOU tried to kill yourself! And here I am, standing here trying to help, and you're talking like it's the weather, or maybe something we could talk about over Sunday brunch! It's so infuriating, Stephen! The way you shut down, the way you physically keep yourself from feeling, as if you don't deserve it, makes me so dang furious! It just makes me want to-"
I would have said more, but Stephen grabbed my face then and there and smashed his lips to mine. I let out a surprised, "Mmmf!" but soon relaxed and started kissing him back. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. Even if things were heated, this wasn't like with Jerome. We might as well have been eating each other's faces off, but it was fueled by something other than hormones; we were fueled by the brokenness that bound us together, by the heartache and pain we went through.
"I'm sorry," Stephen said as he gently pulled away. "I just... everything is so messed up."
The words struck a nerve in my heart, and I tried not to flinch as I brought him down to the grass with me so we could sit. He rested his head on my shoulder, and although it was stiff, I could tell he wanted to be near me. He just didn't know how.
"You're right; I do cause myself to shut down. I don't think I deserve to feel; I could have done something to save her. If I had just-"
"Stop it!" I snapped, grabbing his face in my hands. The eyes that had been dull once we're slowly filling back up with life. "You shut your dang mouth, Stephen Dene! It is NOT your fault Regina died. Don't you think about it for a minute! Understand?"
He nodded, and I let him rest on my shoulder again. "I guess not feeling was a way for me to escape it. If I didn't care, I didn't worry, and I didn't explode." He sighed. "But I don't want to do that anymore."
"Do what?"
"Stop feeling. I just... I don't know how."
"You don't know how to feel?"
"It's there... I just can't... reconnect. I never had a reason to."
I sighed, and brought his face up to me. "You feel," I said before kissing his forehead, "for your friends. You feel," I paused in order to kiss both his eyelids, "for your family. Even if they aren't blood related. And you feel," I dropped my voice to a whisper and kissed the top of his nose, then let my lips hover over his, "you feel for who you love."
Then I kissed him, softly and sweetly, until I was certain he knew exactly what feeling was.
"I feel for you, Stephen," I said after I reluctantly pulled away. "I always will."
"Why me? I'm broken."
I tried to suppress the flame igniting in my stomach once again. "I love you. It's just how it is." My voice was a whisper.
"I... I think I love you, too."
I pulled him in again, wanting to feel his lips on mine. And when I did, I could tell he was feeling.
And he did a pretty dang good job of it.
The End.
Argh, I don't really like this, I think I could have done better, but I'm gonna post it anyway. Hope you enjoyed, let me know if there's anything I should change! Goodnight, people!