~
A.N. - Umm . . . don't hurt me, I can't quite remember where this crazy little idea came from, although I'm sure Kelly probably can, can't you, Kelly? This is just a little bit of comedy from me that was started a long time before my other stuff . . .
~
6:45 p.m., Friday evening
"For the last time, Ron, it's not spew, it's S.P.E.W.!" Hermione said, slightly annoyed, as she, Harry, and Ron slowly walked the corridors of the third floor in the east wing of the castle.
Ron threw up his hands and sighed. "I don't care! We've been down this hallway eight times and I'm beginning to get bored."
Harry snorted. "I got bored ages ago listening to the two of you bickering like old women!"
They passed a statue of Simone the Stupid and Ron opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a scuffling noise around the corner. A moment later Dobby appeared, carrying a broomstick, dustbin, and various other cleaning supplies. He was obviously in a hurry, because he simply hurried towards them at top speed, crashing right into Harry.
"Where's the fire, Dobby?!" Harry exclaimed, picking up the tea cozy that had fallen from the elf's head and placing it between his large bat-like ears.
"Oh, Dobby is sorry, sir! Dobby is not meaning to crash into Harry Potter! It is only that Professor Dumbledore sir is wanting the staff room cleaned right away!"
"Why, is it dirty?" Ron asked.
Hermione threw him a nasty look as Dobby nodded frantically. "Oh, yes, Wheezy, 'tis very dirty!" he squeaked. "A niffler is getting in and destroying it!"
"How did a niffler get into the staff room?" Hermione wondered aloud.
Dobby's already-huge eyes bulged. "Dobby should not be saying so, miss, but Dobby is thinking that someone is putting the niffler there so as to cancel the staff meeting tonight. But it is not working! No - Professor Dumbledore sir is rescheduling the meeting at the Three Broomsticks at eight o'clock. Dobby must be going now, there is cleaning for Dobby to do! Good-bye, sirs and miss . . ."
When the elf had shuffled away, Hermione turned to Harry and Ron. "Why would someone want the staff meeting to be canceled? What on earth could it possibly have been called for?"
"Probably something important that somebody doesn't want to be discussed. I think we should go to the meeting," Harry proposed.
Ron scratched his nose. "I second the motion. Herm? Are you in?"
She sighed. "Well, I suppose my homework could wait until tomorrow morning . . . . Okay, I'm in."
"Good," Harry said. "Let's just dash up to the tower and get the invisibility cloak. Then we can be on our way."
~
7:55 p.m., Friday evening
Under the guise of the invisibility cloak, the three of them made their way through the old crone's hump, through the tunnel, through Honeydukes, and into the Three Broomsticks. Seating themselves at a small table in the corner, Hermione whispered a few well-chosen words to keep anyone from approaching their table. Other than two hags seated by the door and most of the Hogwarts teaching staff, there was no one else there. This was found as odd, as it was a Friday, but the thought was quickly dismissed. Around a circular table sat Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick, Sprout, Sinistra, Vector, and Trelawney, as well as Madam Pomfrey and Hagrid. Professor Binns was floating eerily above the table, looking as dead as usual.
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Settle down, everyone, this meeting has come to order."
"Al - bus! Can't we at least order drinks first? I'm so thirsty!" Professor Sinistra whined.
"Oh, fine," Dumbledore replied, a bit peeved, as he signaled to Madam Rosmerta, who bustled over, her turquoise heels clicking merrily across the wooden floor.
"What'll it be?" she asked.
Sinistra jumped up and yelled, "Bloody Mary!" Everyone looked at her, and she grinned sheepishly. "Er, sorry, blonde moment . . ."
McGonagall blinked twice behind her square frames. "But - but you're not a blonde!" she protested.
Professor Flitwick piped up, eager to get his order in. "I'll have cherry soda!" he peeped.
"Do you really think that wise? Don't you remember what happened last time you had cherry soda?" Professor Sprout inquired.
"It was laced, I tell you!" Flitwick objected loudly.
Professors Sprout and Vector ordered Fosters, Trelawney a sherry, Hagrid his usual mulled mead, and Madam Pomfrey a dinkel acker.
"And for you, Minerva?" Madam Rosmerta asked.
She considered. "Hmm . . . actually, I'd love Sex on the Beach."
Now everyone was staring at McGonagall and gaping. Harry and Ron held their sides, trying not to laugh, and Hermione nearly broke out in a fit of giggles.
McGonagall looked up, realizing what everyone else was thinking. "Oh, now, really! Would you all get your minds out of the gutter? Especially you," she said angrily to Snape. "It's a drink, dammit! I want the drink! Anyway, the beach is too sandy for the other thing . . ."
"I'm sure you would know, wouldn't you, Minerva?" Snape asked her. This comment earned him a sharp elbow in the side. "Oww!" he exclaimed, rubbing his ribs. "Rosmerta, bring me a gin and tonic, please . . . and an ice pack."
Ron bit down on his fist, trying to keep the sound of his laughter as muffled as possible.
"Martini," Dumbledore ordered. "Shaken, not stirred."
~
8:15 p.m., Friday night
"All right. What to do about Peeves? Any suggestions?"
Professor Vector banged her head on the table. "Dear God, the mere mention of that name makes me want to scream! I need another drink . . . Rosmerta!"
~
8:37 p.m., Friday night
"Hagrid, I might mention that a few students were quite perturbed to find Fang behind greenhouse number two engaged in . . . certain acts with a large black dog several days ago -"
"Now jus' wait a minute! B'fore yeh all start playin' bash Hagrid, lemme get s'more ta drink firs'."
Dumbledore sighed, beginning to get irritated with his staff's drinking habits. "All right then . . . anyone else want a drink while we're at it?" he asked, hoping the professors would notice the heavy sarcasm in his tone. Everyone's hand shot into the air, excluding his own and that of Professor Binns, who was unable to drink because of his ghostly condition. He sighed again as Madam Rosmerta brought another round of drinks over.
"Hey Harry?" Ron quietly asked. "Isn't Sirius a big black dog?"
Harry shook his head, disgusted. "Don't go there, Ron. Please - just don't go there . . ."
~
8:53 p.m., Friday night
"Professor Dumbledore, my inner eye and psychic senses tell me that the ghost of a former student is inhabiting one of the girls' toilet rooms," Trelawney said.
McGonagall clapped her hands. "Give the woman another drink for discovering Myrtle! God, Sibyll, it's taken you long enough to figure it out. She's been in that bathroom for over fifty years! 'Inner eye' my arse . . ." She glared briefly at Trelawney for a moment, then looked at her empty glass. "Drink please."
~
9:11 p.m., Friday night
"While everyone is relatively quiet, I'd like to take this opportunity -" Dumbledore began as the staff sipped their drinks - "to discuss the matter of certain unfairly biased heads of house -"
Snape slammed his fifth gin and tonic down on the table, enraged. "There we go! Time to criticize me, the stupid greasy Potions Master whom everybody hates, isn't it?! But of course - it wouldn't be a staff meeting if I wasn't criticized for hours straight . . . . And I am not 'unfairly biased'."
"Yeah, y'are," Sprout said, her words slurring together as she spilled some beer down the front of her robes. "Stop denyin' it, b'cause ev'ryone knows y'are. 'So obvious . . ."
"I AM NOT UNFAIRLY BIASED, DAMMIT!"
"Really, Severus, do us all a favor and shut up," Professor Vector snidely remarked.
~
10:29 p.m., Friday night
"Now that we've finished discussing Severus' mental instability, I think there's a more serious issue concerning some of the students," Flitwick said, his eyes going out of focus as he fidgeted around in his chair.
"And that would be . . . ?"
Flitwick fidgeted some more, nervous and slightly hyper. "Er . . . same sex relationships . . ."
Dumbledore groaned, placing a hand to his forehead and shaking his head. "Rosmerta," he called weakly, "bring me a large glass of the strongest stuff you've got . . ."
"Yessir!" Rosmerta said, saluting. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were glassy, and Dumbledore suspected she'd been drinking as well.
"There are same sex relationships at Hogwarts?" Harry exclaimed.
"Two words, Harry," Hermione answered. "Crabbe. Goyle."
"Malfoy," Ron added, holding up three fingers. "Three words, that is."
Professor Sinistra burped loudly, then said, "There's definitely a lot of gay students. Lots!" she nodded, as though trying to convince herself.
"We must be politically correct - they aren't gay, they're 'homosexuals,' " Vector corrected.
"A lot of the problems with these relationships seem to originate with the Slytherins," Madam Pomfrey blurted out. It was really the first thing she'd said all night, as she had been too busy guzzling dinkel ackers.
Snape jumped up. "Are you implying that my House is gay?"
"Er . . . ya, I guess tha's what we're sayin'," Hagrid replied. "Righ'?" Everyone else nodded as well.
"That's just lovely, absolutely peachy," Snape responded, his eyes welling up with tears. "Everyone is always picking on my House, and nobody likes me . . ." he cried. "We're all just misunderstood! . . . And I am not mentally unstable!"
"Snape's crying, Snape's crying!" Ron said gleefully.
Harry suddenly commented, "We need a camera. No one will ever believe us . . ."
Hermione thought for a moment, then said, "Ron, give me your shoes."
"What?! My shoes? Why?!"
"I'll transfigure them." He reluctantly handed the shoes over, and Hermione proceeded to transfigure them into a camera and film.
Snape sat down again, sobbing loudly. "It's - just - not - fair!"
"Oh, don't cry, Sevvie!" McGonagall said, placing a hand on Snape's arm.
He shrank away. "Please don't hurt me again . . ."
Ron fell off his chair laughing, as Hermione snapped a picture.
~
A.N. -
Okay, I know this was a bit of craziness, and now everyone has had a taste
of how insane I can be . . . actually, I can get a lot
worse than this . . . but anyway - there is more to this, just not right
now. Football stuff has been on all day and I got bored, so I decided
I'd post this part. I'll finish it eventually (that sounds promising,
doesn't it?) but not before I finish my If You Are Ready thing.
Sorry!