Say My Name
Summary: 1 year after the marriage of Colonel Brandon and Marianne Dashwood. The Colonel is distraught about their loveless marriage.
Colonel Brandon sat in his study lost in his own reverie. He took a sip of his brandy and relished the burning sensation in his throat. After a year, Marianne still refuses to call him Christopher.
What a foolish man he was. He naively believed that marriage to the lovely Marianne Dashwood would be the fulfillment of his dreams and give him the happiness that has eluded him since the death of Beth's mother.
His infirmity and dull tastes overshadowed the modest wealth he could offer to women. He had long resigned himself to bachelorhood as he had no taste for silly girls. Marianne had succeeded in stirring the heart of this weary soldier. He loved her.
Alas, his Marianne does not return his affections. He wished, he hoped that she would learn to love him, if not as deep as he felt, at least with enough emotion as to tolerate his passionate yearnings. She had not only turned him down, but grew increasingly distant.
She came to him hesitant in their engagement, afraid in their marriage bed, and now aloof in their year-long marriage. Colonel Brandon felt his heart constrict at the thought. Despite the discomfort experienced by Marianne and his guilt at inflicting such pain on his beloved, their wedding night stands as a treasured memory. It was the first time that Marianne called him Christopher. She whispered his name as she was lost in the revelations of pleasure.
He had been so thrilled at that development. He had hoped that it would signal the beginning of an intimate and amiable relationship between husband and wife. He was disappointed when Marianne reverted to calling him 'Colonel Brandon' the following morning. She never called him by his Christian name unless they were in bed, and they have ceased their night time activities for the past 3 months.
This latest setback began when he was feeling particularly amorous and was trying to seduce his wife. While he knew Marianne did not return his love, he thought she found pleasure in their lovemaking. So shocked was he when she demurred from his advances, claiming fatigue. He patiently waited 2 days. Again, he was rejected.
A man in love and is loved will not be deterred. But Brandon knew long ago that their marriage was a farce. It was a one-sided relationship at most, with Marianne preferring to spend as much time away from him. She invited her sister whenever she can, and otherwise left to visit her mother.
Brandon loved her family—the Dashwoods were such charming, good people. But there comes a time in a husband's life when he yearns for personal time with his wife without family members intruding.
He never openly complained though; Marianne was happy and that was all that matters. His happiness was tied with Marianne's, and while she could not give him what he longs for, he was content to watch her face radiant with joy every time she visited her family.
Or so he thought. After Marianne's blatant rejection, Brandon's misery grew. Marianne cannot even stand his touch. Not long after, the Brandons began to avoid each other's presence, he purposefully burying himself with work, she spending all her time with her family.
Mrs. Ferrars asked him about it once, two weeks ago. She casually remarked that her sister has increased her visits to thrice a week and inquired if all was well. He was sorely tempted to confide in his dear friend, but did not want to place her in an awkward position between her sister and her friend. He assured her everything was fine.
He closed his eyes as he finished his brandy. There was no point in retiring early. He would not subject himself to the humiliation of rejection yet again. He had endured too much heartache; he would not let himself be broken again.
He sat wordlessly watching the embers in the fireplace. Soon the fire will be out and the night chills will enter his study. His arthritis will moan complaints in the morning but right now he did not care. Nothing could compare to the pain he felt at this mockery of a marriage.
Anger he did not know he possessed suddenly welled up in his breast. He was angry at the world for making him suffer so much with nary an offer of consolation. He was angry at Marianne for not loving him. Most of all, he was angry at himself for not being a better man worthy of her love.
His angry gave him a restless sort of energy that urged him to go riding. Hard and fast. He needed to release tension and feel alive.
He spent four, five hours barrelling through the woods surrounding his estate. Finally, he had to return—his horse was getting tired and night was turning to day. He reached home at the crack of dawn. He was exhausted and aching to rest his tired limbs for a few hours.
"Colonel Brandon, where have you been?" His head whipped up towards the direction of the voice. Marianne was pacing by the front door. She was dressed in her nightgown and she looked as though she had not slept at all.
"Forgive me for causing you needless worry, my dear. I simply went out riding."
"So late at night? What troubles you, Colonel?"
Brandon closed his eyes at the conflicting emotions that threaten to take hold of him. Part of him was touched by her concern and he felt that perhaps she cared for him more deeply that he thought. Her reference to him as 'Colonel' sharply brought him back to reality.
Looking into her beautiful eyes, Brandon felt like a schoolboy faced with his crush. He shook his head. They were married, after all, and stuck with one another in this loveless relationship. He gave her a smile that did not quite reach his eyes.
"Just silly thoughts of an old soldier. You look tired, my dear. You should get some rest."
"But you…" He cut her off.
"Rest assured, I shall retire as well. Pleasant dreams… Marianne." With that, he gave her a slight bow and headed upstairs.
"Wait! Colonel Brandon!" He winced at the address. He stopped but did not turn around.
"Why did you call me Marianne?"
She noticed. He mentally braced himself. Turning around, he looked steadfastly in her eyes, the sadness in his eyes as heartbreaking as his morose voice. "Marianne. That is your name."
"But why do you not call me 'my Marianne'?"
"Because I never had you in the first place."
He could see tears in Marianne's eyes and willed himself not to wrap her in his arms. She does not love me. The comfort I offer her is inadequate, because I am the cause of her misery.
Husband and wife stood motionless at the staircase as time went by. Marianne by now had tears flowing freely down her cheeks. Once or twice, Brandon wanted to approach her and wipe them away, but he remembered his own tears and heartbreak and remained in his place.
Finally, he could not take it anymore. "I shall always love you, but it has never been in my power to grant you the happiness you deserve. Pleasant dreams, Marianne."
A loud sob burst forth from the young woman's breast as Brandon turned to go up.
"Christopher…"
It was uttered as the softest of whispers, but Brandon heard it as clear as the day. He abruptly faced her. "What did you call me?"
When she did not immediately answer, he walked towards her until they were inches away. He repeated the question.
Marianne looked at him with a pleading expression. "Christopher… my Christopher…"
He felt anger stir in him before being quickly replaced by desolation. Closing his eyes to gain some measure of control, he whispered, "Please don't make this any harder, Marianne. Do not toy with my affections. My poor heart can no longer survive another heartbreak. You do not love me. I have accepted and lived with it. Let us leave things be."
"No!" He started at the vehemence in her voice. "I am not toying with you! Do you think me so cruel?!" He couldn't answer. "You do…" Tears flowed down her cheeks as Brandon felt his heart constrict. "Marianne, I…"
"Oh. I… I suppose it's my fault as well, for pushing you away when all I wanted was for you to hold me." He stared incredulously at her.
"Yes, I mean what I said. I was sorting out my feelings towards you when I discovered that I cherish the sound of my name on your lips and the loving way you call me 'my Marianne'. I look forward to our morning walks and," she blushed "welcome your visits at night."
"But you rejected me…"
"I was indisposed."
"Until 2 days after?"
She blushed hotly. She opened her mouth and quickly shut them again, as though debating whether to answer him or not. Finally, she said in a shy tone, "It was the monthly affliction for women."
"Monthly aff…" he trailed off as understanding dawned. He felt like a fool. "You mean… that is, you were not repelled by my touch?"
Her brows furrowed in confusion. "Why would I be repelled by my loving, handsome husband? I…" she took a deep breath, "am delighted with your touch."
He took her in his arms. "Oh, my Marianne, forgive this old fool. I am sorry for hurting your feelings."
"On the contrary it is I who should apologize, Christopher."
"Say my name again."
"Christopher, my Christopher, my love."
Overcome by his emotions, Brandon gave up on the complications of speech and passionately kissed his wife.
"My Marianne, my dear sweet angel. How long have I waited for hear my name on your lips."
"I'm sor—"
"No more apologies, my Marianne." She let him silence her with a gentle kiss but pulled away before he could deepen it. Seeing his eyebrows knit in confusion, she quickly put a finger on his lips to stop him from talking.
"I need to. I'm sorry Christopher. You must understand, I made a vow long ago that I shall never call anyone but my true love by his Christian name. That was why I refused your request a year ago. On our wedding night, I found myself experiencing such raw emotions that I could not help myself. I was mortified because I did not understand then and turned away from you. I finally opened my eyes a month later, but I could never find the courage to tell you. I consulted Elinor and Mama—that was why I visited them often. But 3 months ago… I did not know how to rectify the situation. You grew distant. I thought you did not love me anymore." Here her voice cracked and Brandon realized they had both been suffering needlessly.
"My Marianne, what silly creatures we have been. To think that we could have been spared so much heartache. No matter. I propose today be the start of our new life as husband and wife."
He smiled lovingly at her but was dismayed by the sadness in her eyes. "What is the matter my love?"
"How can you love me so?"
"I don't understand."
"After everything we've been through, after all I've done to you, how can you love me like you do?"
"Your passion has renewed my zest for life. I would have been content with a peaceful and dull existence, but you have shown me a glimpse of true happiness."
"But…"
"My Marianne, our lives are not perfect. Our personalities are so different that they are bound to clash. I only hope that whatever disputes we have will be resolved in a quick and," his voice grew husky, "pleasant manner."
In a breathless voice, she whispered, "In that case, Christopher, let us begin our dispute resolution." The Brandons shared a loving smile as they made their way to their bedroom.