Title: Not Anymore

Author: quistis04

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: I really suck at summaries.

Spoiler/s: Office Politics and A Pox on Our House

Author's Note: This story is from Cuddy's POV. This is unbeta'd. I apologize for the errors in advance.

1 AM. I should really go to sleep. I closed my eyes and started reciting every disease in my head. After a few minutes I opened them again. Sigh. It's not working. I looked to my left. It's empty. I didn't know what to feel. I'm relieved that he's not there. I don't want to talk to him right now. But I'm also sad because I missed him. He already became a familiar sight in my bedroom nowadays.

Resigned that I really would not get any sleep, I got up, put a robe and made my way to the kitchen. After making myself a cup of tea, I sat on the couch remembering what happened these past few days - about House lying to her, for the nth time, about a patient, about how she thought House respected and followed her request to show her proof about this same patient, and how House almost died in his latest case. Thank goodness, it wasn't smallpox! And then my thoughts made their way to our situation right now.

I hate that we're fighting. I hate that he lied to me. I hate that he was always right. I hate that he almost died today. I just hate him. And I hate myself even more.

Yes, I hate myself because we're in this situation right now not just because of him but also because of me. I expected something more from him, some improvement because we're in a relationship. And it disappointed me. But can you blame me?

Why did I think that House would change now that we both said I love you to each other? This is House, for goodness sake! And he told me then that he wouldn't change, that he will still do horrible things to me again. And I remembered that I told him that I didn't want him to change because really, I didn't. He maybe screwed up but he's really the most amazing man I've met. And I loved him, screwed up or not.

But to be honest, there were still some days that I wanted him to respect and follow rules. But I knew that it can't be helped.

I'm actually not mad of him anymore. I realized I'm more disappointed and mad of me because I thought I failed him. Because I expected more from him than he can give, in that moment I expected him to be someone else not just House, and in that moment I started pushing him to change even though I told him I didn't want him changed.

A loud knock pulled me back from my thoughts. Only one person knocked on my door after midnight. I made my way to the door, used the peephole just to be sure and opened it.

"Hey." House looking like House as usual.

"Hey"

"Still mad at me?" And then I saw it. The hesitation and guilt in his face barely concealed. He loved her. He's feeling guilty for what he had done but still did it because he wanted to do his job. He lied because he knew he was right with his diagnosis. But when is he wrong? But it didn't mean that what happened was not bothering him. It was and it still is bothering him. He may not show it, but I knew he thought he failed me too. So I offered him a smile, offered the door wider.

"No, not anymore."

"Why?"

"Because I realized, you're just being you and I love you."