Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter…unless you provide me with a baseball bat, a roll of duct tape, $1,000,000 in cash, and a ninja outfit. Then it will be mine! Mwahahahahaaa!
AN: Why, hello Harry Potter lovers! This story is for CentaurGirl, you'd better read this! And if you're not her, don't worry. Read my story and enjoy!
~Governor's Pirate Girl, Out for now.
Stan Shunpike's Adventure of Fake Proportions
"Hey, Ernie! Oi!" Stan Shunpike ran up to the ever-familiar purple bus. The pretty-much legally blind bus driver opened the door and peered at the pimply young man through his inch-thick glasses.
"Well," he cackled. "if it isn't the Minister of Magic!"
"Hey, I was weak at the moment, thanks very much!" Stan argued defensively. He threw his arm out in exasperation and accidentally smacked an old witch carrying a pig.
"Sorry, Miss." Stan said dismissively. "Hey, 'choo lookin at?" he asked the pig, of whom was somehow glaring at him.
"Ready to get back to work, Death Eater? Ahahaha!" The shrunken head dangling from the rearview laughed.
"Heh…you makin' me miss Azkaban, 'little bit there…" Stan lied. Nothing was worse than Azkaban. He almost didn't hear the collective gasp followed by hushed silence that consumed the entire bus. Even the head turned and attempted to open his sewn-shut eyes.
"How was A-Azkaban?" whispered a shy looking young wizard. He looked apprehensive, as if afraid to ask. Inside Stan knew it; Horrible. The evil dementors brought back his worst nightmares and memories. With hardly any food and no human contact whatsoever, it was worse than prison. It was more like a slow death that will never end. (AN: Deep.)Outside, Stan forced a sly smirk. What fun is it telling the truth? If he had the bus' attention, he might as well hold it.
"Well," he began, "It started with my arrest. 'Death Eater activity, tryin to kill 'Arry Potter,' or whatever." He remained calm and cool, but his heart started pounding a hundred miles an hour. That night was the worst of his life. He didn't understand what was happening back then. He continued.
"Well, I was Iperiused, 'course, but the officials, they wouldn' hear nothin of it. Carried me away, they did." Everyone on the bus was completely absorbed in his tale. And he didn't even start lying yet.
"Five days in, I escaped the vile place! Now, I was sure I 'ad to find Voldy-mort 'imself, for revenge." Another gasp. People still aren't used to his name being said out loud, but a rule of lying is you have to act convincingly brave. (AN: "Stoll Bros. Rules of Lying" story to come out soon, to the PJO lovers!)
"I set out, I did, an' came across him in a few weeks. Now, I said to 'im, I said, 'You're gonna pay for sending me to Azkaban!' So I took out my wand, and mustered all my strength, I did, and disarmed him." He paused for dramatic effect. Everybody's eyes were on him. Including Ernie's, which isn't good. They nearly ran into a mailbox, but it jumped away at the last second. This seemed to jolt Ernie into redirecting his attention to the road. Stan continued,
"See, the Dark Lord, he wasn't happy 'bout that. He tried to disarm me, but I shouted, 'Portego!' and a shield went up, an' I was safe. So, I then I had to run behind 'im an' grab his wand. I did, ad' he said in a hissy-like voice, 'You'd best be returning my wand, foolish mortal.' He pulled up 'is sleeve and pressed this weird tattoo on 'is arm."
Yet another gasp. People exchanged glances, as if, "Did Stan really have the nerve?" Stan smirked and got ready for the killer lie. He took a deep breath and said'
"Death Eaters. They appeared all around me. Now, I knew I was surrounded and sudd'nly, I saw hundreds o' killin' curses, straight towards my head. I ducked then apperated right' on the spot."
Worried glances. Stan tried to keep a straight face. They believed this? Stan figured he might as well go out with a bang. He pulled out his late grandmother's wand with flourish.
"Now, The Boy Who Lived, 'e told you all 'bout how the Dark Lord needed a new wand, an' e' went through quite a few?" Most of the wizards and witches on the bus nodded, but kept their eyes trained on Stan, as if in a trance. Stan resumed his twisted tale;
"Now, one o' the reasons 'e had to get a new wand…was me!" He held Nanna's wand to his face. The next gasp carried through the bus, all the way to the third level. Stan smirked and thought, 'Suckers' while the passengers looked at him in wonder and amazement. Finally, somebody spoke up. Sadly, that someone was the shrunken head.
"And you want us to believe that, mon? (I just had to include the 'mon') Hahaha! I'll believe that when pigs fly!" Suddenly, Ernie yelled,
"Diagon Alley!" he stopped the bus so abruptly, everybody lurched forward, and the old witch's pig left her grasp and flew to the front of the bus.
"Ha!" Stan exclaimed, pointing from the pig to the Head in a victorious manner. Meanwhile, people started climbing off the bus, into the silent night. Stan stuck his head out the door and heard a most peculiar sound, laughter. How did anyone know his story was made up? He located the ones laughing and just glimpsed black, untidy hair, long, brown, bushy hair, and fiery-red hair before the teenagers apperated.
AN: Huzzah! Finished! Tell me how you like it. I'll keep it "In progress". Tell me if you want me to continue!
With love and sore fingers:
Governor's Pirate Girl