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Part One: An Answer
Guilt. Survivor guilt, a torn up psychology book taught him. It hounded him eternally.
Sure, weeks, even months would pass. The routine of survival and hunting blinding him and forcing him to not think.
But in the days of rest, the nights of solitude, the inescapable feeling welled up from his soul, gushing out from his core and making everything feel so wrong. His mind wandered, his reason waned.
It was one such night.
The stars hung low in orbit, silently watching in somber, guilt-ridden audience as the blond-haired sauntered away from the campsite, up away from his compatriots and up down the creek. Remorseful, the wind whimpered and lessened, unwilling to cut his skin or bite his eyes with the intensity of winter. The man climbed the hill, a good distance away from his friends now, knowing of the Grimm aura that exuded from his being. If they would come, his friends would be safe. The world silently watched, listening, as Jaune Arc composed himself underneath the dead husk of a tree, looking out into the world.
Jaune played with the hilt of his sword, trying to mutter away the pain, trying to make sense of the agony, trying to find order in the tumult. Mutter away, let it all bleed out. It had to run out soon, it had to.
"I… I've been doing good." He stated as he began a new train of thought, hoping to move onto talking about his journey, about what he's been doing, where he's been. To talk about the now. But something was wrong.
Lies.
"I've been doing better," he corrected quietly.
And someday you'll do worse, the truth responded gravely.
"I just…"
You're chasing clouds again.
He knew that. As much as he desperately wanted to avoid this, he could feel the hurt form into words. He hated this and he hated where it would lead, but he had to chase it. He couldn't help himself, he wanted to believe.
"I just wish I had known. I- I wish I had said the right words back then…"
Jaune scratched at the cloth at his sword, trying to explain himself.
"Begging her? Why had I thought she would listen if I begged. I should've, I should have realized she wasn't listening. I should have yelled. Roared. Like, like..."
"PYRRHA!" Jaune almost shouted, acting out his fantasy as his hands suddenly tightening into claws, pretending to grasp her by the shoulders, refusing to let go. "LOOK AT ME. "
The catharsis was so blissful, so momentary. The vigor died and then he returned to subdued despair.
"Then, then she would have listened, or at least stopped. Then we would have time. I could have figured out what the hell was going on."
He shook his head, knowing something else was wrong, still trying to avoid the holes in his theories.
"What was going on. And then I would know. And then I would tell her how it is. I would take it all back. The destiny, all of that…"
He looked up, imaging her standing there, trying to make sense out the fantasy. He reached out his hand to her, and attempted to prove that it would have worked:
"Pyrrha, your destiny isn't there. I… I know you think it might… Destiny, it's not…"
You're losing it. It wouldn't work.
Jaune felt frantic now, arguing with himself. His heart put up a valiant fight:
"No. No it would work. I could have talked her down if I just grabbed her and shouted. She would…"
You wouldn't have talked her down. You know this.
Jaune Arc bowed his head, suddenly pained by the same, same painful realization. Logic had triumphed.
No matter how many times he played the moments over his head, speaking to her, hearing her voice over and over… over and over tasting her breath and her heart, over and over staring into her eyes, those brave, brave and beautiful eyes, right before she pushed him away.
Pushed me away.
Jaune seized the thought, and let out a complaint.
"Why didn't… why didn't you just tell me to go. Why'd you have to do that, Pyrrh-"
She knew you'd follow.
"But… but what if she hadn't…"
She wouldn't have.
Jaune swallowed, the Grimm thoughts pulsing in his heart.
"But why?"
Why.
Jaune looked out. Looked out to the dark horizon, looked out to the sky, to the broken moon, to the skeleton trees, the shattered hills, to the icey mired seas. Searching for her. Seeing her everywhere he looked now.
"Why, Pyrrha?"
Yes, why.
"Why… Why did you push me away… How could you? After not telling me, after knowing how much I wanted to help…"
Exactly. Why.
"I would have given you so many reasons, so many excuses to walk away. You could have just walked away, Pyrrha."
But it would have never happened.
"No. It… it could have… have happened."
But she didn't do it, Jaune.
"NO. No." Jaune suddenly gasped, unwilling to revisit the truth and return to reality. But it was true. None of his dreams would have worked. All of these alternate paths, the coulds, the woulds, the shoulds, all suddenly crumbled in front of him as his dreams and aspirations, his hopes, were crumbling…
The only thing left was agony and his voice. He had given up trying to make sense. He leaned against the hollow tree and sobbed.
"I hurt so much. I hurt so, so much. You… Do you see me, Pyrrha? You see this? I'm a fucking mess."
The stars seemed to freeze and look away.
"I hate myself. I hate this… all of it. I hate what came to be. Everything was so good, a dream... and… and then it all went to fucking hell."
The wind choked and trembled, trying to pass Jaune by as quickly as possible.
The man ran off a furious stream of expletives, standing up and pacing, ranting and cursing himself, everything around him, except for the sadness that stained him so.
"You just ran off chasing what?! What? I don't know. Destiny? You were talking about destiny… what sort of destiny was that? Why would you want that?"
She asked you.
"Yes. You asked me. You know what I would… what I should have said? I should have said destiny is shit. I cheated destiny... We. We cheated destiny. I was a fucking tenderfoot, slipping into Beacon like a god-damn loon and I made it work. I spat destiny in the face."
He seized this train of thought, the grief and pain fading away to indignation and conviction.
"I couldn't manifest a god-damn aura. I couldn't! You thought I didn't know about it… I lied. I pretended to be stupid. I... I just couldn't do it. I wasn't some sort of dorky idiot who stumbled into you. I was a coward and a rebel. I avoided destiny as best I could. And it worked out. It would have worked for you too."
"I should… I should have told her."
But she pushed you away.
Jaune winced, hurt by the realization.
"Yeah. You pushed me away."
It kept coming back to that same moment. To how calmly she was as she punched in the coordinates to the locker, looking him straight in the eyes. Brave and beautiful.
"How could you be so brave?" Jaune whined, wincing as the hurt took deeper hold, "How could you look at me like that as I screamed at you, pleading. How. How. You loved me. I loved you."
Brave for you.
"No. Brave for yourself. You selfish, selfish, selfish bitch!" Jaune hissed as he began to pace once more, driven by fury, "You just pushed me away. You loved me, you pushed me away. You couldn't even fucking honor me with a damn explanation or anything. All you did… all you did was apologize."
You didn't need to do that.
"You didn't need to do that." Jaune repeated in his frenzy while grasping his sword hilt, "Anything but that. ANYTHING. You could have told me to give up, that there was nothing I could do. You could have lied to me and saved me the pain. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't you. What are you apologizing for? I wanted an answer! AN ANSWER!"
Instead...
"Instead, I'm just standing here, trying to figure out what went wrong. What I could have done right... Or was it that I didn't love you enough, that I wasn't quick enough to realize, to try and build something? At times I wonder if it was just that you didn't fucking love me! What were you sorry about? Was it me? Was it you?"
And with that, Jaune fell silent. His heart and body tensed, bracing for an answer, for something divine to answer him.
Nothing.
…
Nothing.
"What was it?"
The silence wore on. Jaune felt the strength drain in the absence of an answer, shoulders sagging and a visceral pain in his chest. He knelt up on the top of the hill, trying to staunch the torment of confusion.
"Please."
Nothing.
The divine would not answer him. His questions, his diatribes, no matter how eloquent, how truthful...
Useless. What did he expect?
"I… I'm hurting."
Looking for pity got him nothing. There was no heart in this world. No soul.
He fell silent, succumbing to the suffering.
"Pyrrha, you mean so much to me. You… You were more than just amazing. You were the one gave me everything and you just…"
Yes, the tears were running down his face now, their fleeting warmth turning into the most painful blisters and cuts on his cheeks. He wiped them away and they leaked back out.
"I love you. Still do. Why, why…"
Why did you let me love you. Why couldn't you keep it to yourself. Why couldn't you just reject me. Why do I have to feel this way.
"Why do I have to love you?"
Jaune just wanted an answer, and this was his last, desperate attempt for one. This entire time... He just wanted her to tell him something. Anything. Her voice, her assurance. The only thing that ever gave him solace in his life, confidence, belief, conviction. He ranted and drove himself mad just for the dream of hearing her voice...
He looked out through tear-stained pupils, out to see any Nevermore or Ursai approaching, he could see and feel the glow of his aura then, a strange, sorrowful hum as it reached out into the world, an extension of his soul... Searching, begging, looking…
The crying had dulled his mind and it hurt, it hurt and everything seemed to echo with her voice. She was apologizing, she was explaining herself, she was comforting him. But he all knew they were dreams, lies, fallacies. All his own machinations, not one genuine word.
In that moment, Jaune gave up. Like thousands of moments beforehand, he gave up trying to reason, gave up trying to find peace, to draw reason from his sorrow, his life. The only thing he could say was the truth, and it came out of his voice cracked, quivering, and weak.
"I love you. I… miss you. So… so... so much."
He turned back, leaving to the campfire, to restless sleep, to a life without closure. Without her.
"As do I..." The stars whispered, breaking their vigil.
Jaune halted and looked up at them, for a moment.
"As do I... " Sighed the wind, unable to hold back.
Jaune caught his breath. A fallacy, a dream...
"As do I, Jaune." Pyrrha Nikos murmured, somber and tender, finding comfort in the embrace of their two souls, entwined in eternity.
End Chapter 1