chapter 1

"Good evening Dr O'Neil."

"Good evening ladies" I said politley walking past the group of Nurse's huddled together and giggling like school children.

I will never get use to that I thought to myself.

I don't regard myself as particularly attractive, but it seems that the ladies I work with do. No use though I thought.

With this thought my mind started to drift, I began thinking about James, the love of my life. About the first time we met, only sixteen and still in school.

I can still remember the way he looked the first day we met. He was tall for his age and astoundingly beautiful His dark hair was tousled, but what caught my attention were his eyes. They were bright blue , but deep as the ocean. He leant casually against the bike shed, and was smoking a cigarette.

I distinctly remember the feeling of awkwardness that passed over me when I realised that his gaze held mine. He threw the cigarette to the ground, treading on it as he came to introduce himself.

"Hi I'm James. You must be new here?" I froze, I didn't know what to say . I just stood there, like a twat, unable to string a sentance together. From that moment I knew I loved him. Everything I had been feeling recently seemed to make sense in that moment. He seemed to recognise something in my face and a flicker of emotion played on his face.

I snapped back to reality as my arms started to scorch. A quick glance over my shoulder told me that no one could see me starting to peel off my bandages as I hurried into the bathroom.

Luckily I was working the night shift at the Hospital, and it was quiet, so I felt free to uncover myself without the fear that someone may intrude.

I fully unwrapped the bandages that covered my arms, and splashed cold water over the reddend markings on my arms. The markings that define me, and plauge me.

James doesn't see them the way I do. "They tell your story Fraiser" he says " The story of the beginning of your life"

Thanks to my insane parents, I am covered in these strange markings.

Before I was even born they had joined a cult together. When my mother bore me, I was like a saviour. They would never regard me as their son, I was diffrent from the other children My parents didnt understand me but due to their beliefs I was to be used as an offering for their sins they were made to belive I was wrong in there eyes. When I became 'of age' they would offer my soul for all the sins they had commited, according to the 'brotherhood'. The marks were made on the day of my 10th birthday 16/05/1998 they left me to die on the streets, a blood offering. That was the last time i celbarted my birthday. what a day to curse me.

Four years of medical training and I still have difficulty bandaging my own arms.

I always keep a spare packet of bandages on me just in case anything happens to the ones i'm wearing.

There are only three people that I trust to keep my past a secret, or that I will leave my arms bare in front of, James, my foster brother Josh and my best friend Annabell. I wish that I didn't have to wear these bandages, they are so uncomfortable, but I know from past experience that people are scared of them. And after the fear comes the questions, I don't want to bear my soul to everyone I meet, so I wear them for the best.

At least I can be myself in front of the people that mean the most to me.

The bathroom door swung open, and I saw Dr Jackson's eyes flicker to my arms to my face and then to my arms again. I was stunned and couldn't cover the badly scarred area of my arm still on display.

"Are you ok?" Ben rushed to my side, his face a portrait of deep concern.

" I'm fine Dr Jackson. Thank you for your concern, but truly there is no need." With a swift movement I tucked the loose end of the bandages in.

I like Ben, his genuine care and consideration for others was awe inspiring. I can imagine that he would be a great friend to anyone. But not for me, not right now. I don't want to go yelling my life story down the hospital corridors. So I just gave him a warm smile to show him that there was no harm done.

Despite my attempts to cool my scarred arms, they began to burn again, although they didn't scorch like they had before. Dr Jackson still stood beside me, making sure I wasn't going to pass out. What was in my face that worried him so much?

"I was worried that you might have hurt yourself" He seemed to have heard my thoughts.

"Oh. I see. Why would you think that?"

"Well, you have had a tough year. I was worried it had finally taken it's toll on you."

I let out a small chuckle.

"I am fine honestly there's no need to panic."

He was right, it has been a tough year. My foster parents died in a car

accident over a year ago, but I haven't been able to grieve . I haven't shown any emotion, I just couldnt let myself crack at the time, and I needed to be strong for my brother Josh and try to bring him up as my foster parents would have

wanted. That was the best thing I could do for them to repay them for saving me. And I haven't allowed myself to grieve properly since.

"I'm going to be late to my shift Fraiser"

"Oh. I didn't know you were working tonight Ben."

"Unfortunately, I pulled the short straw" We both laughed lightly. Ben is a sensitive guy, he knows what to say to change the subject and break the tension.

" Ok. I will see you in there then."

I walked out of the bathroom, i didnt want to work today i hated this day it bought back dark memorys of my past which i cared to forget.

James has this theory. He thinks that the burning is somehow linked to my emotions. If I get angry or sad it seems to flare up, only in extreme cases though. But I'm not sure about it, I don't see how they could be linked, emotional and physicall trauma.

Maybe there is something in this theory though, James has gone away for a fornight. He's on a teacher training course with the college where he works. so this was perfect timeing to go away i wasnt angry with him really he didnt have much choice in it but to be honnest i would rather be on my own on this sad day.

I am not going to think about it now I said to myself Just concentrate on your work Fraiser.

I arrived at the security desk signed myself in and the security guy let me

in.

"Thanks" He acknowledged my presence with a quick nod..

As soon as I entered the ward I filled my lungs. I love that smell, neat

bleach, it makes me feel clean. The anxiety I was feeling before just washed

away. I'm here to do my job and that's what I am going to do.

I glanced around my small office, saw my familiar desk, old computer and the few potted plants that looked close to dying. You couldn't fit more then three people in here. Not that I minded the small space, I was hardly ever in the office.

The large pile of folders on my desk, covered in yellow post it notes, told me that Nurse Pool had been on the day shift. She liked to inform me on every little detail about my patients. It was sweet really. She didnt need to do it.

A couple of members of staff had gladly informed me that she would have liked me as more than a friend. But that's all we could ever be. This could cause tension in the work environment, especially when I knew that Ben, Dr Jackson, had intense feelings for the young nurse. They would make a lovely couple. underneath the files was a envelope with my name on i opened it up a birthday card bang here comes the pain again.

I threw it straight in the bin i couldnt bare to have any reminder of my birthday a day which should be celebrated to be a happy day not a day off sacrafice or death that was ment for me on this special day.

The knock at my door, forced me to compose myself i have to be strong it was hard when my arms scorched like this.

"Come in"

I lifted my face from the patient files to see Dr Alex standing in the doorway. She was leant against the door hand on hip.

Me and Dr Alex did not get on. I tried to avoid her as much as possible.I think she attempted to do the same whenever she could.

"Good evening Dr O'Neil." Her words were polite as always.

"Good evening. Is there something I can help you with?"

"No, I just wanted to say good night to you before I leave. You were late so I

waited."

"Oh?" I said stunned almost into silence by this. Was she being nice?

Dr Sarah Alex does not like me. In her mind I took her job. However if I do say so myself I earned the promotion, and the best man won. Dr Alex didn't have time for the paitents, or the staff for that matter. It was all about her, and when she didn't get her way well, it wasn't a pretty sight.

I was stunned, speechless infact that she was standing in my door way offering what seemed to be genuine care.

"Oh I see nurse pool has updated you on everything." She said,

Pointing to the post it notes. A sneering tone in her voice.

I looked down with a smile rembering the sincere kindness that lived in Nurse Pool/

Dr Alex continued...

"I dont know why she does it. She must not have much of a life, poor girl. Wasting her time doing stupid things like that..."

She carried on muttering to herself, but I couldn't bring myself to hear the words she was saying. Her disrespect for others always angered me.

my arms started to burn even more then they where. I looked up and gave her the harshest glare I could muster. But she continued to babble about something else Nurse Pool had done to irritate her.

I snapped.

"Is there any thing else I can do for you Dr Alex it's just as you can see I am

very busy."

"Oh" she was a little taken aback by my rude manner "I will leave you to it then"

"Thank you" I turned my back on her waiting for her to leave but she didn't move.

"Are you ok Dr O'Neil?"

What was this why was she being nice to me why did she care?

"I am fine i just have a lot to do and would like to get on with it as you correctly said iam late and behind schedule."

She just stared at me what more did she want from me?

I just stared back wishing she would just leave before i did something i regreted.