Author Notes: I know that I have ton of other stories to update and such but something happened to me over the last few months. I fell in love with someone who didn't love me as much I loved them. And it sucked and it took me to a place in my head that I didn't know existed. So from that state of mind, I started this story. It is AU of course and I hope you guys and gals like it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing and all praise Mark and the CW.

It feels like we've never been alive… – Chapter 1 – Going back…

I used to say that love was all you need.

There are so many people in this world. And sometimes you meet a person that just makes you feel things you never thought possible. They always say the right things and make you believe that real love is not just in fairy tales. A touch of from their hand or the slightest look and you feel like you are on cloud nine.

It is pure bliss.

The thing that no one ever tells is about how sometimes those same people who can make you feel completely helpless and unwanted. They can use you. Take you for granted and make you feel like you are the most horrible person who has ever lived.

Love is such an unfair emotion. There is no balance to it. And most times you can find yourself loving someone who is absolutely no good for you. It will make you ignore the signs that are obvious to everyone else. And it won't even let you see what has been in front of your face the whole time.

I wish that I had never fallen in love.

At least that way I would still believe in it.

August 25th, 2006

Brooke Davis had been trying to read this stupid book for her English class. She tried reading it at the library and again in the tutor center and again while she was watching a re-run of Maury Povich. She just couldn't focus on the words. Although if you asked her, Brooke would tell you that she had a very good reason for not being able to focus on the dull English textbook.

"Maybe, I should change…" She mumbled and got up to change out of her back to school outfit.

She pulled off her new top and matching skirt and replaced them with her favorite pair of loose fitting blue jeans that flared at the bottom and a comfy beige sweater that opened in the front and was about the same length as her pea coat. She pulled her hair into a ponytail and plopped down onto her bed with the book. As much as she liked to be in latest fashion, there was something about a good pair of jeans that made everything seem a little easier.

"Ok…once more with feeling…"

Brooke opened the pages and began reading once more. She got a few lines in when 'he' popped back into her head once again. God, he had only been back in town for a few hours and she was already thinking about him. Even though she didn't actually speak to him, she had been thinking about him all day long. She tossed the book on the floor and sighed. The studying was supposed to help her not think about him. He looked better than she remembered. Those 3 months he spent away from Tree Hill had treated him well.

"Really well…" Brooke exhaled.

There was something about him and she couldn't explain but just seeing him made the rest of the world slip away. It scared her and at the same time, amazed her that someone could have that effect on her. She always thought that he never really understood the power that he held over her. It bordered on unhealthy at times but she would never admit that to anyone.

Not even to herself…

She reached for her phone and scrolled her phone book until she found his number. There was no way that she was going to call him.

After all she did break up with him…

May 28th, 2006

"This is it? You can't be with me anymore just because I am going to stay with my Uncle for the summer?" He said. She could hear in his voice that this was catching him off guard and he really had no idea why she was doing this.

"You think this is about you going away for the summer? Do you realize this is the first time I have seen in you in two weeks?" Brooke was fighting as hard as she could to not just drop this whole thing. She didn't want to do this but how much more of this isolation was she supposed to take?

"I have just had a lot going on…and I am sorry that you feel that way but will you just let me explain what has been going on." She saw the look on his face and could tell that he really didn't know what he had done to make her upset. She could feel her resolve weakening just from being this close to him. When he wasn't right in front of her, it was easier for her to hold on to the hurt and resentment that had built up over time. And now, just because he was right in front of her again, all of that washed away. Brooke closed her eyes and tried to continue on.

"You don't get it do you?"

"I don't get it. You and I are good together. What did I do to make it so you can't be with me? Why can't you look me in the eyes?" He sounded so upset. Brooke could feel her knees getting weaker and weaker from being this close to him again. Even with her eyes closed she could still see what face he was making. Just from the way he asked the question she could see his face.

"Brooke, please look at me." He pleaded. Brooke knew that if she did that she would never be able to do what she needed to do. She turned so her back was to him, hoping that would be enough for her to get through this.

"Pretty Girl, look at me please. I just want an answer." Damn it. He said it. God damn she loved it when he said Pretty Girl. It was like she had never really heard those words until he said them to her. She could swear that her soul was vibrating when said that to her. She took another deep breath and still didn't open her eyes or turn around.

"No, I can't be with you because I just can't take the loneliness that comes with being with you. I know you need your space but I never see you. You have gone days without talking to me and it doesn't even bother you. Now you tell me that you are leaving? You have been gone from this relationship for so long that I don't even remember what being with you is like. I can't do this anymore."

"I am sorry! I just…look... I am just used to being on my own. I am sorry I made you feel like that. But I know you are the girl for me. I know you are and I know that I am supposed to be with you." He answered.

"How long am I supposed to just wait for you to get used to having me in your life? I just can't do it anymore. You are saying this now and in 3 months from now I'll still be sitting here hoping that you might call me." Brooke could feel her heart breaking as she spoke. She didn't want to let him go but she couldn't sit in limbo every day wondering if he was going to call her or answer a text message that she sent him.

"Brooke…I love you. We can fix this. Whatever this is… We can fix us." He whispered. She finally opened her eyes and turned to face him. He looked so sad. Almost as sad as she was feeling. She looked him in the eyes and tears started rolling down her cheeks. She needed more from him. She wanted to feel like she was in a relationship. No matter how intense her feelings were, she was tired of being in a relationship all by herself. And even though she loved him more than she thought possible, she had to try and let go.

"I know you do..." Brooke turned to walk away but she felt his hand on her shoulder and she felt like mush. Just a touch from his hand on her exposed shoulder and she was pretty much silly putty. She turned to face him once more.

"You don't want to do this, Brooke. You need me…" He sounded so confident. Like he knew something that she didn't.

He pulled her in close and she didn't pull away. His face was so close to hers. Brooke held her breath, even though she didn't want to be with him, she needed to kiss him. After a few seconds of staying that close to each others face, they kissed one last time. Whenever they did kiss, she always could feel it in her soul. The kiss deepened and Brooke could swear the world was spinning around her. She just needed to feel this one more time before she let him go. How could she let this go? She gently broke the kiss and it felt like she was still humming from the action. She took a few steps back and let out a sad little smile.

"Goodbye…"

She still remembered that look on his face when she said those words to him. The hurt from always waiting for him to acknowledge her was still fresh in her mind. But after 3 months and no contact from him at all, all of those feelings she had locked away in her heart came flooding back to her. As soon as she was near him, Brooke was right back where she started, wanting him to give her some kind of attention, something to let her know that she wasn't the only one wrestling with feelings that were way too strong.

"Might as well ask for a million dollars…"

Brooke kept staring at his number hoping that if she kept staring at it, maybe he would call her. But was that what she really wanted? She broke up with him for reason. They didn't talk over the summer for a reason. Maybe after all she said to him, he had moved on. As soon as she had that thought she felt an uneasy feeling wash over her. What if he had moved on from what they had? What if he spent that last three months moving on? Why shouldn't he move on? She did dump him. But what if he was really going to change and she ended things too quickly? Maybe he did move on.

The real question that needed to be answered was did she really want to know if he had?

Brooke let out a frustrated groaned and closed her phone. The tiny bit of self control stared out of her window. She knew that if she kept going down this road of guessing she was going to drive herself crazy. She did miss him. And after 3 months, even if she did break up with him, she really did miss him. But she wasn't going to break this silence that had built up between them.

Earlier that morning…

Brooke had gotten to school late this morning. First day back from summer vacation and she was already picking up where she left off. She barely got anything that could be called sleep. Her mind just kept reeling and going over every little detail of the last time she saw him. She knew that at some point she was going to see him. and she could calm her nerves at all. Part of her hoped that she could dodge him and avoid the impending awkwardness that was bound to occur from seeing him. If she did see him it was going to be on her terms.

She slammed the door of her car and made her way towards the entrance of the school. And with every step she took, her confidence grew more and more. She wasn't going to let seeing him again bother her. In fact, she didn't care either way. He didn't hold any power over her anymore and this was her chance to prove it.

"I don't need him, I don't need him..."

Each time she repeated the line to herself over and over again. Hoping that this little mantra would be enough to be get her through the day.

"I really don't need him…he wasn't right…"

And as soon as the words left her mouth, Brooke heard the familiar rumble of a 1967 black Mustang. She stopped in her tracks. She wasn't ready to see him. Not now. She didn't want to turn around. Her stomach already started its dance from earlier and she felt like her heart was going to pound its way out of her chest. Brooke turned around and saw the car rumble its way into the parking lot.

"Damn, I missed that car…" The Mustang had belonged to his uncle and from the looks of it; they spent the summer working on it. The new black paint job made the car look as if it belonged in one of those car racing movies. There was also a new white strip that started on the front hood, went over the roof and came down on the trunk. There were new tires and chrome that seemed to sparkle in the sunlight.

As the car door opened and she saw him getting out, she felt like she couldn't breathe. Three months and a messy break-up that needed to happen, Brooke knew that she couldn't resist him

No matter what she did…

Brooke opened the phone once again and tried to remind herself that she didn't want to get involved with him again. And the off balance sweaty palm feeling was not from missing him. She wanted to remember all of the reasons why she had left him but none of them seemed to have validity anymore. Her mind was screaming for not to do it.

"This is a bad idea. You can't do this to yourself…"

She struggled to keep her guard up. Once she opened the door he would come back into her world and turn everything upside down again. Even after making all of these valid points to herself, her heart was hearing any of it. She could just send him a text message and that would be that. Brooke took another deep breath and typed in a simple' hello' and pushed send. And soon as she sent it, this feeling of regret washed over her. What the hell was she doing? Was she so desperate for love that even this bad idea was seemed like a good one? But before she had a chance to beat herself up for sending the text message, her phone rang. She looked at the caller id but she knew who it was.

"Hello?" Brooke said trying to sound like she didn't know who it was.

"Hey Pretty Girl..."

And just like that, Brooke Davis was hooked on Lucas Scott once again…

To be continued…