One Thousand Times Over

The sun was only just rising on Besaid and Lulu was standing outside her hut, silently bemoaning the cold and waiting for her date- the appearance of whom was sure to cause much probing on Rikku's behalf and a good deal of mockery and embarrassing questions.

Not that she was going to let that bother her.

Nope.

Not at all.

-Clock ticks in the background-

…Well maybe just a little.

Hey, Rikku could get on anyone's nerves. The trouble was that after a certain number of death threats people seemed to grow immune to them. It was that way with Wakka too- she damned him on a daily basis and he was still lived.

Speaking of Wakka where was that lumping behemoth she had the lack of foresight to call a date?

Lulu gave a small hmph, what could he possibly want to show her at this hour anyway?

It was curiosity that drove her out of bed, that and the need to know everything about everything. That Wakka could be more intelligent than her in any respect but that moronic blitz game was something that only served to spite the seemingly all-knowing black mage.

He was such an idiot. A stupid, moronic, lumping idiot who actually believed that laughter was the best healer. Yeah? Well Lulu had given up laughing- given it up for good. Laughing hadn't saved Chappu and it hadn't saved her from years of mourning…

Yet even after all those years the thought of him softened her heart and she hated it- hated it as much as she wanted to hate him… but couldn't.

She often thought of him but now only as a friend and the fact that she could think of anyone as anything more than that- anything more than him- only angered her. She had let him go and learned to love again- but she wasn't ready! She was so so so not ready!

Yet her heart disagreed.

Damn him, thought Lulu, and damn his immunity to my damning.

Lulu ground the heel of her black boot into the dirt and scowled at it as though in all its harmlessness it could have caused the pain she felt inside and the love that was the only means of overcoming it.

'Lu?' a hand is waved in front of her face, interrupting her thoughts and her damning.

It was… well who else?

Lulu slapped his hand away lightly, 'yes?' she asked, trying her best to appear irritated instead of so very happy to see him- which was the most severe of understatements.

'You spaced out,' said Wakka grinning.

'Well maybe if you hadn't been late-'

'You'd have still been awake?' Wakka suggested with that lopsided grin of his still covering his face.

Lulu glared and continued with her damning silently for a moment before saying out of pure curiosity, 'so what was so important you had to show it to me at first light?'

Wakka's eyes brightened, 'oh, yeah! Come see, you're gonna love it, ya!'

He took her hand and Lulu let herself he dragged along to the beach at a fast run she wasn't made to keep up with.

'Hate to break to it you, Wakka, but I know this beach- having lived my whole life on it-,' Wakka silenced her nonchalant half-mutterings and chuckled, 'this isn't it, ya- we gotta swim the rest of the way.'

'No,' said Lulu dully- her eyes hard, 'no way in Seven Hells am I swimming with you in the freezing cold at Yevon knows what Time-!'

Once again Wakka silenced her, something he didn't usually do, 'you're going to see it, Lu, even if I have to drag you there myself.'

Lulu damned him softly but he pretended like he didn't hear her and took her towards the water.

'I had ta take you in the morning,' he was saying, 'else you'd have been wearing that heavy dress and it'd have dragged you down- plus I figured you might have one of your little magic minions to help you in the day time.'

Lulu hmphed, half out of annoyance and half out of embarrassment.

Wakka only chuckled again in that way he did and led her by hand into the water, bringing her out far enough that neither of them could stand before letting her swim for herself.

Lulu stayed a moment, moving slowly to keep afloat, dull fear crept into the corners of her mind- fear of the water, the cold, the darkness… everything but him. She hated swimming… almost feared it… Almost.

Lulu scrambled after him in a pathetic dog-paddle and Wakka turned his head to grin at her, 'just wait until I tell everyone that I got you in the water,' he chuckled and Lulu let out an indignant choking noise, which was all she could do to indicate her annoyance short of swimming away.

The two of them traced the coastline for an hour or so and it was only raw determination to be better than Wakka that kept her going, instead of turning to land and walking back.

Eventually Lulu saw him turn into some rocks and followed him, careful not to scrape herself on them. They closed in on land but the rocks climbed onto the shore also. It was by no means beautiful and Lulu saw it only as a safety hazard, having fallen a fair few times already in her attempts to scramble over the rocks.

Lulu let out a soft whine as a particularly sharp rock sliced up her leg but Wakka hardly heard; he seemed to be looking for something in the rock face.

'Chappu… I left it here…' he muttered.

Lulu's eyes snapped up, her wound forgotten as she made her way to his side, resting a hand on his shoulder.

'Got it!' he exclaimed suddenly, though it seemed to Lulu that he hadn't found anything.

Wakka broke from her grasp, startling her and causing her to fall backwards onto the rocks. Again he didn't seem to notice, so intent was he on his goal He took a step back and slammed into the part of the rock he had "found," which fell back rather dramatically to reveal a frightfully small opening.

Lulu got to her feet, wincing, and peered with him into the small hole. He turned to her and she stepped back- instinctively fearing that his adventurous –if dangerous- nature was poking at his mind and thinking up something stupid. She prayed he wasn't going to make her, the smaller of them both, climb into the hole… it was so- she wasn't scared if that's what you're thinking! She was… uhh… Hells, she was terrified.

To her relief, however, Wakka merely stretched his hand into the dark hole and shifted a few smaller rocks and pebbles aside, eventually reigning triumphant and bringing out his scratched hand to reveal a letter.

It was in good shape- not torn or scorched by fire like most hidden notes randomly appear to be and the writing was easily legible except for a few parts smudged by dust.

Wakka shook it in an attempt to shake the dust free and handed it to Lulu.

Lulu looked from the folded letter to Wakka and back again.

'Go on,' he prompted after a pause, 'it's yours.'

'Gatta found it in Djose,' said Wakka, 'he was packing up some of Chappu's things to send back… I was so mad at him that I hid all his stuff in here, ya… least that's what I told myself. This was our secret spot- when we were ditching lessons an' wanted something to do or had a secret we didn't want to tell anyone we'd put it in here, ya, and then when the other came along they'd read it and leave a reply. There are over ten years of messages here but… well, you know. The cavern was bigger then- we could almost fit inside, but it crumbled when we stopped changing the supports…'

'And this letter was for me?' asked Lulu slowly, she was weighing up whether or not she wanted to read it.

Wakka mumbled his consent, 'I should'a given it to ya a long time ago,' he said eventually, scratching the back of his head.

'Yes,' said Lulu, 'you should have.'

Wakka flinched at the ice in her voice, though it was directed more at herself than him.

'I might have read it then,' said Lulu, 'but now…' she bent down and pressed the letter against the damp rock to flatten it before walking back to the water's edge and folding it into a clumsy child's paper-boat.

Wakka watched her with something midway between confusion and astonishment in his eyes as she pulled a piece of sharp graphite from where it rested hidden inside her right boot, carefully printing the word goodbye on the boat, as if naming it.

He knelt down beside her, though she refused to meet his eyes, and watched her sketch in the boat's features with an artist's hand. Standing on the boat, silhouetted against the sail stood a young man- Chappu as she had last seen him. It was not difficult; the image of him standing on the boat the day he left was never truly gone from her mind.

'I di'n know you could draw, Lu,' said Wakka, pulling her to her feet as the boat floated before them.

Lulu bowed her head.

Wakka was determined not to ask why she had not read the letter but after a few moments of silence he found he had to know.

'It is pointless… to dwell on the past,' said Lulu, forcing herself to meet his eyes, 'Chappu's not coming back. I think I've learned to deal with that now- I don't want to go back. I want to stay here… with you.'

Lulu's words did not sting with the sadness she once felt when she thought of him and Wakka saw the determination sparkling in her eyes.

'I have said goodbye a thousand times,' said Lulu, 'in a thousand ways. I think that's enough.'

Wakka couldn't move his eyes, locked on hers. He had the sudden urge to touch her and moved a large hand to cup the side of her pale face. Lulu's expression didn't change; she just stared at him- as determined as ever to stand tall.

Though her face was impassive Lulu's mind was swarming with unspoken quarrels, though the thought that rang clearest in her mind was no line of reasoning, not even a question- it was a command: Kiss him- and she readily obeyed.

Wakka responded immediately, one arm moving around her waist and the other moving from her face to her neck, angling her head slightly into the kiss.

The voices in Lulu's head melted away as surely as though they were never there and her thoughts were now as clear as anything- all chiming together to say one glorious thing. Ruthlessly instructing her again and again to say it aloud.

Come on! They urged her, say it! Say it now!

Hesitantly, Lulu pulled away and their eyes locked again.

Goodbye, clarity of thought.

Come on!

Lulu blinked the voices away.

Damn you! Say it!

Lulu opened her mouth to speak but Wakka shook his head, 'don't say anything, ya?' he said quietly.

'I have to,' said Lulu, equally soft of tone. 'I have a million little voices in my head telling me so.'

Wakka gave her a quizzical, half-amused look.

'I love you, Wakka.'