Disclaimer: I do not own Sailormoon or any of its characters.
Too Late
by Maya Kitajima
Love and care are two different things. Care is when you are concerned for someone while love is when you deeply care for someone that you're ready to give her anything no matter what it costs.
Knowing the difference of those two, I can boldly say that I, Chiba Mamoru, only care for Usagi. Yes, she. She who I've also known as Sailormoon, defender of love and justice. She who has always saved me from evil. She who has taken care of me when I am sick. She who has always fought for me and she who never seems to get tired of loving me.
I hated myself for getting tired. I'm so unfair! Here she is loving me more than her life. And here I am getting tired of her. Here I am lying to her…that I still love her.
People have always said that love dies after a few years. Stupid me, not believing in that. I am stubborn after all.
I hate myself because I still care for her. How easy it must be to tell her that I don't love her anymore if I don't. Yet I have to care for her. To respect her for her undying love. To be honest with her.
Honesty…yes. That's the only thing I can do to show her that I still care for her if not love. But how? How can I tell her without hurting her? Damn…
One hot summer day, I decided to tell Usagi all about this no matter what. I called her on the phone and said I'll meet her at the park. She was overjoyed. No wonder! I have never ever asked her out since last year. Well, I'm sorry but I'll have to make that smile vanish later…when I tell her.
At exactly 3:00 that afternoon, I was at the park. 5 minutes passed but she still hasn't arrived yet. I'm not surprised or worried. She's been like this ever since I've met her. She never changed.
"Mamo-chan!" I heard someone shout in a cute little voice. It was Usagi.
"Mamo-chan, I'm so sorry! Did you wait long?" she asked.
"Don't worry, I expected it." I answered.
"You did?! Oh, anyway, what will we do?"
"What do you want?"
"Eat!" I smiled. That's totally like her. We went to a restaurant and ate. Actually, she ate. I was only drinking juice. I can't eat. I'm too nervous.
When she finished eating, we went to a nearby park where there is a playground. We sat on the swings.
"Mamo-chan, thank you." Usagi said.
"For what?"
"For going out with me today. I was really happy when you told me." I was struck. I have to say it now or I'll never will.
"Actually, Usagi," she flinched. I never called her by that name. It has always been Usako, my special name for her. "Um…I asked you out today because I want to tell you something. I…I'm not…I don't…I don't love you…anymore." There! I've said it! There's no turning back now.
Usagi was startled but she managed to say, "W-what?"
"I'm sorry. It just died away. I know I'm being unfair. But I can't lie to you anymore. I can't go on being your boyfriend without loving you. I'm very sorry. I know you loved me and I respect you for it. But please…I still want to be your friend." I waited for her reaction. It was the longest time in my entire life. But after about a thousand years, I got my answer. It was a nod. A slight, simple nod. But her face was crushed. Though there were no tears in her eyes, I can sense that it will burst up soon.
"Are you okay?" I asked. Dammit! Stupid question! She's not okay. However, she nodded again. And after a few seconds, she closed her eyes.
"Do you want me to take you home now?" I half expected him to burst and run away. But she took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and smiled.
"Yes, thank you." She answered in a soft voice. I was shocked. But it was better, I guess. So I took her home. She was silent all the time but she was smiling. I was really confused. Is she happy that I broke up with her? Did her love for me vanish too?
After that I went on with my life. I was happy because I'm honest with myself again. I never heard of Usagi again until after 1 month when I met Makoto and Minako at Crowns.
"How's Usagi? Is she well?" I asked them.
"What do you mean well? She's great! Did you know that her grades improved so much and that she isn't irresponsible anymore? What did you do to her, Mamoru?"
"Eh!" I'm surprised. I can't imagine her like that.
"She says 'It's because of Mamoru'." Oh God! Didn't she tell them that I broke up with her?
"Uh, girls, I broke up with her a month ago." Their eyes widened. But before they could even say something, my cellphone rang.
"Hello?" I answered it.
"Mamoru, this is Rei. Go here at Usagi's house immediately! She's killing us and herself!" Suddenly, I heard Usagi's voice in the background. 'Who are you talking to, stupid? You'll never get help!' Then I heard Rei and Ami scream. And then there was nothing but static.
I gasped.
"What happened? Who was that?" Makoto asked nervously.
"We need to go to Usagi's house right now!" And with that, I came rushing down the street. I was so nervous. What did Rei mean she was killing herself? Is she committing suicide? Oh God! No!!! She can't! I have to save her!
Without thinking, I crossed the street even if it was still a green light and many cars are passing by. In the middle of the road, I hear a loud horn from a vehicle and I could hear Minako and Makoto calling after me. I looked at my right side and saw that there was a large truck. I know I'm going to bump into it and die but I was thinking really hard of Usagi and her precious life. I ran faster and it missed me with a few inches. The driver yelled after me yet I kept on running. At last, I reached Usagi's house. I entered it through the unlocked door and saw Usagi holding a knife just above her chest. She stabbed it into her heart but in a flash, I was by her side, holding the knife on its sharp edge and trying to prevent it from going deeper. My hand was bleeding but I didn't care. I removed it from her and hugged her very tightly.
"What are you thinking?!" I exclaimed. She started crying.
"Mamoru, why did you stop loving me?" Suddenly she fainted.
"Call an ambulance!" I shouted to Makoto and Minako who have just arrived. I looked at Usagi. Even if I saved her, she was still stabbed a little. I hope it didn't reach her heart.
Then I noticed that Rei and Ami are lying on the floor, hurt. I think they tried to stop her too but she hurt them, causing them to collapse.
In a few minutes, the ambulance arrived. They laid Usagi in a stretcher. Rei, Ami and I rode with her and the doctors treated us too. Minako and Makoto followed behind us in a cab.
At the hospital, they took Usagi in the Emergency Room and the five of us waited outside. Soon the doctor got out.
"Ms. Tsukino has still managed to stab herself even if you tried to save her. We have saved her from dying right now but her condition is still fatal. We have too keep her here for a few weeks." The doctor announced.
We visited Usagi in her room. She was lying there peacefully and she looks as if she's just sleeping. She looked so beautiful…
"Hey guys, why don't we get a cup of coffee somewhere and rest? Been a bad day for all of us." Minako said. The girls agreed. I started to complain but I thought I also need to rest. So I followed them to a coffee shop.
"Okay, guys, I want to know what happened." Makoto said.
"It all started with me." I suddenly announced. " One month ago, I broke up with Usagi. I didn't love her anymore and I think it's wrong to lie to her. So I told her. I expected her to cry and get mad at me but she didn't. All she did was to nod and smile. I thought it was okay with her so I didn't worry." I told them.
"But that's where you got it wrong, cMamoru." Ami said. "People have always said that if you're hurt, let it out by crying. Usagi didn't, instead she tried to prove that she's strong. She didn't know that all her bad feelings, anger and anxieties had added up inside her heart. And when it bursted, she couldn't control it and she tried to kill herself." All of us grew quiet.
"Yesterday, Usagi asked me and Ami to help her clean the house. She didn't say a certain time so we went any time we wanted. When we arrived, we saw her just as you have seen her, Mamoru. Positioning that knife before her heart. We snatched the knife from her and she went crazy. Rei called Mamoru. She didn't call someone else since Usagi's spiritual energy can be seen and she was using a power that I think even she don't know about to stop us. Mamoru arrived there 5 minutes just in time to save her." Rei said.
"Where were you when Rei called you, Mamoru?" Ami asked suddenly.
"At crowns with Minako and Makoto… Why?" I replied.
"Wow, you sure are fast! It ususally takes 15 minutes to get there from here. But I'm glad you arrived just in time." I was startled. Was I that fast? It seems like the longest time in my entire life.
"You know, Mamoru, I really don't think you don't love Usagi anymore." Makoto said. "You wouldn't go berserk like that if you don't."
"Well I… It was natural to act like that. I still care for her, you know. She's still my friend But…"
"Mmm Hmm! Here goes the 'but'! Mamoru, make up your mind if it's only care or it's love. Or rather if it's only care or its deep deep care which is also called love." Minako said. All of them smiled at me. I sighed and stood up.
"I'll see you all later." I simply said.
"Good luck!" Rei called after me. I smiled at her.
"Thanks!" I said. How come they all seem to know me very well? How did they know I was going to follow what Minako said to make up my mind? They sure are scary.
I went ot the park and sat at the bench that was my favorite thinking spot.
Now, to get to my point… is it care or love? Care… I know I care for Usagi because I will positively not tell her that I don't love her anymore if I don't. I would just leave her loving me like that without even thinking to love her back. I wouldn't even think of saving her last morning. Yes, right. I care for her.
But love… do I still really love her like the girls said? Minako said that if yu care for someone so much you love her. Really? I don't believe her. It is only half of what makes up love. Anyway, I have to know if I love her. Then I have to know how much I care for her. How much do I really care for her? Makoto told me that I've gone crazy when I knew she's killing herself. Did I really? Then I remembered the huge truck. Oh God! I crossed the street in a green light. I nearly got bumped by that truck! All because I want to same Usagi. But it's weird! It's like she's the one who saved me because I was thinking about her and her safety that time. That's why I was able to run faster and avoid the truck. Oh wow! It's amazing how even the mere thought of her saves someone's life! She really is a true Sailor warrior! A true, kind, beautiful princess… Whoa! Wit! Wait! Beautiful?! Why did I say that? I'm not attracted to her anymore, right? Beauty is not coinciding with care. If you care for someone, you don't consider her beauty. And I've just only said I only care for her. Am I wrong and the girls right? Do I still love Usagi?
I just realized now the other half of love. It's attraction. If you're attracted to someone and at the same time care for her… Then… Oh my God! I still do love her!
Usagi once said that if you love someone, you only think of her happiness and safety. You want to give her happiness and protect her no matter what it costs. Thinking about what happened last morning, Thinking about how I crossed the street without thinking of myself and about how I stopped that knife with my hand without considering the pain it would give me, then I proudly say that I, Chiba Mamoru am still in love with Usagi.
What I felt that day when I said that I don't love Usagi anymore is just natural. It's my own fault that I said that. I stopped seeing her on my own and that caused me to lose my attraction to her. I shut the world from her and concentrated on myself. Yes, it's all my fault. But I don't worry because I know that Usagi will forgive me. Once she wakes up, I'll kiss her and return the love she gave me. I'll love her just like she loved me! Yes. That's what I'll do.
And that very same day I ran back to the hospital to see her. There I met the 4 girls. They each gave me a thumbs up sign and I returned all of them with a smile showing my ultimate love for Usagi.
I opened the door and went in. She was just like the way she was when we left her. Peacefully sleeping and beautiful. I sat beside her and stroked her hair. Suddenly her eyes opened.
"Mamoru-chan…" she called me.
"Usako, I'm here beside you." She looked at me with sad eyes.
"I'm sorry. But I couldn't control myself."
"It's okay. Just don't do it again."
"I did it because I was hurt but please don't force yourself to love me again."
"No, Usako. I didn't force myslef but I tell you this… I love you… with all my heart." I kissed her. "I just realized it now. I'm sorry." She smiled. But suddenly she choked.
"Are you alright?" I asked her.
"Yes, I have something to tell you Mamoru." She put her hand on top of mine. "I'm sorry but it's too late."
"Why?" she just smiled at me.
"Thank you for everything. Your love most especially." She suddenly started to breathe hardly, gasping for air.
"What's happening, Usako?"
"I want you… to know… that…" I was so worried that my eyes filled with tears.
"Shhh… don't speak. I love you Usako. I don't know what I'd do ifyou…" she stopped me with her finger.
"I want you to know… that… I've always…" she closed her eyes.
"No, Usako!"
"loved… you…" she continued in a whisper and then the red line appeared on the monitor.
It was too late…
~Owari~
*Author's notes*
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