First Fanfiction EVER! Please be nice.

Got the random idea while grocery shopping, and I mean random, so enjoy!

And I don't own Twilight. It is the property of Stephenie Meyer. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this.

Emmett…Watermelons… and, squirrels?

Bella POV

"So, Emmett, why did Edward leave me alone with you again?" I asked as Emmett drove me to the grocery store. We were in his big jeep, getting me food for the week.

"Because Edward trusts me! And I wouldn't stop singing the Macarena in my head until he gave in. You should have seen it the last time! I had him dancing for a week until he finally gave in!" Emmett laughed.

"…"

"You wanna demonstration later?"

"No thank you Emmett. I like my boyfriend to not look like an idiot." Like you she thought.

"So, what do we need to buy you? Any condom? They now have that kind that warms with ya!"

"Emmett, back off my sex life or I will have Japer convince you are in love with Newton!" I blushed and wished that I could punch him in his manhood and actually have it hurt.

"Nah, he tried that already. Kind of backfired, had Newton all over him in five seconds. Don't think Jazzy is up to trying that again."

AT THE GROCERY STORE

"Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and jelly with a baseball bat!"

"Emmett, would you stop singing that song?!? Edward does not like it when I eat peanut butter, apparently it makes me smell more like human food!!" I shouted.

We continued through the store, with me putting my favorites in the cart. Nothing fancy, frozen pizzas and such. When we got to my favorite breakfast food, Emmett decided to serenade me yet again…

"Milk and cereal, milk and cereal, milk and cereal, cereal and milk, cereal and milk! Don't want my Wheaties, give them to the needy, feelin' kinda greedy, keep them for myself, keep them for myself, keep them for myself!"

"My God, Emmett! I do not like to buy thing with athletes' faces on it! They stare at you creepily as you eat. Plus, you are causing a ruckus!"

"Lighten up Bella! You only live once!"

"You should hope you live twice after I'm done with you, smart boy!" I sniped.

"OOOOoooooooohhhhh. Scary Bella, real scary! Tough talk for such a little kitten! Meow! Or more accurately, puuuurrrr!" Emmett guffawed.

I didn't even think. I couldn't take it anymore. I let loose with a mighty kick to his nether region, and quickly regretted it. "Ouch, dammit Emmett! What do you keep in there, rocks?"

"You wanted to hurt me, you actually wanted to hurt me?" Emmett whimpered like I actually hurt his feelings and ran off down the aisle, dry sobbing.

With a deep sigh I called after him "Emmett, please stop, I didn't mean it" too much "so come back!" I tried limping after him, but he was long gone. I finished up the shopping and looked for him. And then (insert dramatic pause) the phone rang.

"BELLA! Don't let him do it! Whatever you do, don't let Emmett do it! For the love of all things holy…" Alice shrieked into my ear.

"Alice, what is going on? What is Emmett going to do? And why in the hell did you leave me alone with him in the first place!?!?!"

"No time for questions! Quick, get to the fruit aisle and… crap, too late! Bella, whatever you do, WHATEVER you do, don't let him…"

All of a sudden the phone was ripped from my ear, crushed into oblivion in the meat paw hands of Emmett.

"Bella, Bella, Bella, guess what, guess what, guess what!?!?" Emmett chanted, bouncing up and down like a kid on Christmas.

"What, what, what?" I asked back, exasperated.

"I can't tell you, silly! I have to show you!"

"Um… Emmett… why are you carrying ten watermelons? And how are you carrying ten watermelons?" I asked.

"No time for stupid questions now! Lets go home! I have a course to set up!" And he sprinted off towards the exit. Unfortunately, he did not see the "Out of Order" sign on the automatic door. Somedays it surprises me that he is a vampire. Of course, now there is an Emmett shaped hole in the door… nothing like being conspicuous.

AT THE CULLEN HOUSE

Emmett flew from the car with his nine (he lost one in the automatic door incident) watermelons, leaving me to carry in the rest of the groceries. What's the use of a vampire babysitter if he doesn't even do all the heavy lifting?

Once I finished putting the groceries away, Emmett was right behind me, breathing down my neck with the hugest grin on his face.

"Holy crap, Emmett! Creeper much? And why do you have a butcher knife?"

"To cut finger holes in the watermelon! Duh!"

"Aren't you a vampire? Can't you just poke your finger into the watermelon? Wait a minute… why are you poking holes into the watermelon?" Man, hanging out with Emmett must be making me slow. Stupid five year old mentality of the stupid bear.

"Come on Bella, keep up! You can't go bowling without finger holes!"

Brain shut down. Wait… what? Did he just say bowling? Bowling… with watermelons. Bowling with watermelons… and what? I was afraid to ask…

"Um. Emmett. I don't think that is such a good idea." Finally, Alice's frantic phone call was starting to make sense.

"Of course it is, Bells! All my ideas are good! Don't you trust me?" He asked with a manically grin on his face. Still holding the butcher knife, I might add.

"Why does that seam like a loaded question?" I asked, eyeing the knife carefully.

"Oh, don't be a spoil sport! I set up an extra special course just for you! I even put bumpers up for you!" He said, as he grabbed my arm in a vice and dragged me off to the foyer where I heard some strange squeaking noise.

IN THE FOYER

"Emmett! What in the bloody hell have you done, you wanker! Esme is going to kill you!" I screeched as I took in my surroundings to find…

Nine grey squirrels and one pink sitting at the top of the stairs, all secured in place with Velcro. It looked like he had taken the contents of Alice's closet and lined the stair case with it, making his "bumpers." And there, at the bottom, where his eight watermelons.

"Emmett, what happened to the ninth?" I asked.

"I wanted to see if it tasted good… it didn't. So I just chucked it at some passing wolf."

Well, I don't think Jake was going to be coming around anytime soon. Good thing too. I was starting to get what Edward was talking about when he said that wolves stink. They smell like wet dog! Gross!

"Ok… so. We are bowling. With watermelons. At squirrels. ARE. YOU. FREAKING. SERIOUS! PETA is so going to kill you!"

"What, People Eat Tasty Animals! They sure do! I personally like bear! But that's not the point. The point is that bowling for squirrels is a challenge!!!!" He said, bouncing up and down again. My god, that man has a lot of energy, even for a vampire. Good thing Jasper left. Last time I saw him on an Emmett high, I had nightmares for a week! Rose got some new lingerie, Emmett got… well, Emmett-like, and Jasper ended up stripping down and running through the house in his birthday suit. Too much Jasper! Too much Jasper! (Rocks back and forth, sticks thumb in mouth and whimpers). Darn, I just got rid of those nightmares! Try explaining to Edward what it mean when I wake up screaming "No, Jasper, no!"

"Emmett, you do know that watermelons are a little heavy for me to be tossing up the stairs, right? And as a matter of fact, why are you bowling UP stairs? And another thing, why are you bowling INSIDE?!?!"

"Well, I knew watermelons were too heavy, so I got you these!" He pulled some grapes out of his pocket. "And I am bowling up stairs because the piano is at the bottom of the stairs and Rose and I like to…"

"Emmett, don't finish that sentence!" I squealed, blushing.

"And I am not outside because it is raining! Duh, Bella. Sometimes, I wonder how Edward can put up with you! You are so slow!"

Breath in, breath out. Stop thinking of impaling Emmett on a pitch. Stop thinking of Medieval torture devices. DAMN IT EMMETT!!!

"ME FIRST! ME FIRST!" Emmett squealed! Grabbing one of the watermelons, he chucked it up the stairs, completely missing the screeching squirrels and hitting Esme's favorite painting by Claude Monet at the top of the stairs. It splattered everywhere, staining everything within a ten foot radius with gooey watermelon guts, staining the walls, carpet, the Monet… and Alice's clothes. He was so in for it!

At that exact second, the door burst open and a little black haired speck came rushing in, jumping on Emmett's back.

"My clothes! My clothes! You bastard, how dare you! I haven't even worn them yet! They just came off the runway at Milan! They were one of a kind! I was their MUSE! How can I get them replaced?!?!?" She kept up her random tirade, clinging to Emmett's back and pulling his hair out by its roots.

"Ouch! Alice! Wait! OUCH!!! Darnit, that hurts! I was bumper bowling! GET OFF ME, YOU DEMENTED LITTLE PIXIE!" He bawled, slamming into walls trying to shake Alice off. He only succeeded in knocking the grandfather clock off the wall with the shockwaves of his banging. And, of course, causing a few Emmett shaped dents in the wall.

The two kept at this as Esme and Edward walked in the door. "Alice, why did you rush away so fast and… what…" they both stopped, mouths wagging open in the wind, staring at the mayhem that the pixie and the bear had caused.

"EMMETT AND ALICE CULLEN! STOP RIGHT THIS SECOND OR SO HELP ME I WILL UNMAKE BOTH YOUR SORRY BUTTS!!!" Esme shrieked. Everyone stopped dead. Did Esme really just raise her voice? OMG, they were so dead! Like, kicked into last century dead!

Edward grabbed me and ran away as we heard the ear shattering shouts of Esme die away.

"YOU PSYCHO VAMPIRES! I JUST GOT THIS HOUSE HOW I LIKED IT!!! IT'S BAD ENOUGH TO HAVE TO REBUILD WHEN EMMETT AND ROSE GET OUT OF CONTROL, BUT YOU TOO ALICE!!! HOW DARE…"

Edward just laughed as he ran faster. "They aren't going to see the outside of that house for awhile! And I promise, I won't leave you alone with him again, even under threat of Macarena."

The pink squirrel was for you, Alice. I hope you enjoyed it!

Please understand we wrote this under the influence of chocolate cake.