AN: I don't own Twilight. I don't own the characters. Credit for those goes to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer. Thanks, and enjoy!
Just as Carlisle and Esme were heading out the door, Carlisle turned around and hollered, "KIDS! We're leaving! We'll be back sometime next week! Or maybe next year!" There were choruses of "OK's" and "Uh-huh's" and maybe even one muffled "otabilou" from upstairs. You see, Carlisle had recently developed a love for the ocean for reasons unknown. So he went out and bought a three story yacht with a swimming pool, arcade, spa, observatory and cheese museum. He also thought it would be nice to take Esme with him on the boat in the Caribbean for their anniversary. Esme, of course, was thrilled and accepted without a thought. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward were also very excited. This week was also conveniently timed during summer vacation. So, the night before Carlisle and Esme were planned to leave, Alice dragged Bella over the the Cullen house for a sleep over. So anyway, back to the story...
It was 11:00 AM when Carlisle and Esme were on the highway. None of the Cullen's, or Bella, had really gotten up and going yet and were all still in their rooms. It was quite a slow morning. But almost immediately as Carlisle and Esme had left, Emmett raced downstairs into the living room with his boom box. He carefully plugged it into the wall and switched it on. Soon enough the whole house was filled with the Chicken Dance, otherwise known as the Dance of Chickens. Emmett cranked it up as loud as it would go. And as if that wasn't bad enough already.
He jumped up on top of Edward's piano and danced along.
10 minutes later...
Upstairs, Alice's eye twitched for the millionth time. She was sitting at her computer shopping for something to wear on the first day of school, even though it was some time away.
"THAT'S IT!" she screeched, standing up from her chair abruptly. She swiftly strode over to Jasper, who was contently sitting in his armchair reading a history book. Alice grabbed his arm and dragged him out the door.
"Alice! What the heck?" Jasper whined. Alice glared at him. "If I have to listen to that song ONE MORE TIME I WILL FORCE ESME'S SPINACH CASSEROLE DOWN YOUR THROAT." And with that, Jasper gulped and shut up, not wanting to endure the torture of spinach in a dish. The rest of the Cullen's had relatively close thoughts.
In the other room...
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Edward banged his head his desk. Again. Bella shoved her head deeper under the pillow.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Emmett was still playing The Dance of Chickens downstairs. And although the door was closed shut tightly, the agonizing music cut cleanly through the walls and door and into the ears of Edward and Bella. Edward was muttering to himself and Bella was groaning every time the song started over. Finally, Edward reached his breach point.
He flitted over to Bella and grabbed her wrist.
"Are we calling in the Navy?" Bella asked groggily. Edward ground his teeth and narrowed his eyes. "No. We're going to take care of this... Cullen Style." he let go of Bella's hand and flew out of his door faster than you could say "OMG I WANT TO TIP A COW."
"Edward? Where'd you go-" Bella called out the door. Edward strode back in with a small container of black make-up, the kind that football players and secret agent ninjas would put under their eyes. He handed it to Bella, in which she applied. "Now then," Edward said, holding out his hand to Bella, "come with me." Bella chewed on her lower lip and tried to resist the temptation of sticking her head back under the pillow. She took Edward's hand and let him whisk her away to carry out his master plan. Meh.
Just next door...
Rosalie carefully ran the tube of fuchsia pink lipstick along her lips. This will so go great with my outfit! she thought as she glanced over at the clothes she and Alice had picked out for Rosalie today. Denim designer jeans, cute boots, and some shirt Alice had bought her a while ago. Rosalie shrugged.
Random thoughts raced through her mind as she continued to put on her lipstick. . .
Hmm, I wonder if I used to snore before I was a vampire... She winced at the thought, then thought some more.
No, no, no! I would so not snore.
I think pigs snore. Rosalie nodded in agreement with herself.
Canadian bacon is such a rip-off! It isn't even bacon!
As she hummed to herself soundlessly, she was completely oblivious as to what the status was in other areas of the Cullen house...
Somewhere else...
"OUCH!" yelled Jasper when Alice persisted to pull him down the steps despite his pleas. Alice narrowed her eyes and put her hands on her hips.
"We are going down there," she pointed down the steps to the living room, "to stop this madness whether you like it or not. I. Am. Your. Wife. And I know where you live." With that Alice tromped down the stairs as Jasper stared after her with wide eyes.
"Wait! Alice!"
He stretched out his arm trying to grab Alice, but just ended up with a handful of air. Jasper started to stand up, only to be trampled by Edward and Bella who flew down the staircase. Jasper groaned. Edward stifled a grin. "Sorry, Jasper. Didn't see you there." Bella rolled her eyes from where she was slung over Edward's shoulder.
"Going to 'stop the madness', are you?" Jasper asked.
"God, I hope so," Bella replied. Edward smiled like the Cheshire Cat. "We have a plan." Jasper raised his eyebrows.
"Want to help, Jazzy?"
Anything to avoid the casserole...
"Sure thing, Eddie boy," he said and slapped Edward hard on the back. "We have to find Alice first though." Edward nodded in agreement.
"Cool," said Jasper, "I'll be right back." He jumped over the stair rails and landed neatly on the floor. Peaking in every room as he went through the house, Jasper finally found Alice in the hallway bathroom rocking back and forth in a fatal position. His eyes got huge.
"Wait, since when do we have a bathroom?" Alice just shook her head and kept rocking. "Whatever," Jasper said, and picked up Alice in his arms and ran. Within seconds, they were back with Edward and Bella. Bella giggled. "What's with Alice?"
Jasper shrugged. "It's been happening a lot lately. We think that its due to her Supernaturally Perky Aggressiveness and Zealous syndrome."
Edward and Bella both tilted their heads and said, "What?"
Jasper frowned. "SPAZ syndrome. Duh. Anyway, what was that plan you had, Eddie?"
"Oh yes," Edward replied, flashing a smile. "It's quite simple really. Do you remember how, a few months ago, we were bored so we decided to go to the cheese factory?" Bella, Jasper, and Alice nodded, having snapped out of her spazness. "And remember how Emmett was fascinated with string cheese? Well, I figured that if we could lure him out of the living room with something without going deaf, we could trap him in a cage, tranquilize him, and ship him off to Bermuda."
"First of all," Alice said from the confines of Jasper's arm, "PUT ME DOWN." He dropped Alice on the floor with a "harrumph." Alice brushed off her clothing. "As I was saying, Edward, your plan has several flaws."
Everyone stared at Alice for an explanation, but she just raised her arms and said, "WOO! Let's do it!"
"Hey, have you guys seen Rosalie?" Bella asked. Everyone shook their heads. "Who cares!" shouted Edward. "Now, to the Kitchen!"
*Newsflash spinny thing*
As soon as everyone arrived in the kitchen, Edward slapped Jasper.
"DUDE!" he yelled.
Edward narrowed his eyes. "You know I always keep string cheese in my pants, so why did you suggest to go to the kitchen! Sometimes I wonder about you, Jasper."
"But bu-," Jasper stuttered, but then Edward put his finger to Jasper's lips. "Shh. I know I'm devilishly handsome, but the comment will have to wait."
Edward placed Bella on the floor and, undeniably, pulled out the cheese from his pants. Alice made gagging noises while Bella and Jasper pinched their noses. "Disgusting," they muttered. Edward strode over to a cabinet and took out a ball of yard. He snipped off a piece with his teeth and tied it around the cheese.
"Alright, then. Now all we need is a large cage."
Bella hopped up and down. "OOH! OOH! I think Jacob has one."
Edward stared at Bella through his magnifying glass. "Hmm. I see. Why don't you go get it for me, Bella? Please."
"OK," she said and walked out the front door to her car, slipping on some ice on the way. There was a crunching sound.
"I'm alright!" Bella yelled, and limped to the truck.
"Fantastic! Now all we need is a tranquilizer. Where, oh where..." Alice began, looking around the room and then zeroing in on Jasper. "Oh, Jazzypoo..."
He sighed, then grumbled, "I'll go get it. I know I'm not gonna win anyways," and trudged up the stairs, leaving Alice and Edward feeling annoyed from Jasper's mood. He was back in a flash though, as would be the same for all vampires. Unless you were, possibly, a lazy vampire.
"Here you go," Jasper said and threw the gun at Edward, in which he neatly caught. "It's loaded, too," he added before Edward could shoot himself.
"Now all we have to do is wait for Bella." Alice stated and then suggested a three-way staring contest. So Alice, Jasper, and Edward stared at each other for twenty minutes.
"Aw! I blinked!" Edward whined.
"Uh, Edward? You do know that, if we choose not to, we could go all eternity without blinking as well as breathing?" Jasper reminded Edward.
Just then, Bella walked through the door balancing a large doggie cage on her hear and doing the Egyptian with her hands. "I got it guys!"
Edward threw his fist in the air, but missed, and hit Alice in the face. She winced in slight annoyance, but he just ignored her.
"Finally! Now we can preform our plan with justice and cruelty!"
The air was thick with tenseness... and the Chicken Dance, which was still playing from the living room while Emmett was still dancing on top of Edward's piano. On the other hand, the chicken suit he was wearing was new.
The cage was set a little ways away from the entrance to the living room, where Jasper was stationed. His job was to close the door once Emmett was inside. Edward sat next to Jasper with the string cheese dangling from the string. Alice was dressed as a bush and standing on top of the cage with the tranquilizer. Bella was in her car, waiting to deport Emmett. Don't worry, they all had earplugs. Everyone was set and ready. It was only a matter of time now. Muahahahahahaha... sorry.
Edward waved his arms to get Alice and Jasper's attention. They both gave him a thumbs-up. Show time...
Upstairs...
Rosalie was laying on the king-sized bed that occupied the room she shared with Emmett. She crossed her legs and flipped through the pages of the Vogue magazine, not even bothering to read the words. Now and again she'd make small comments such as "Oh! Pretty scarf!" or "Ooh! Shiny!" ect., ect. Once she was done looking, she threw the magazine onto her nightstand and sighed.
"I'm so bored. Hmm, maybe I should re-do my nails," she said, glancing nervously at her toenails. Rosalie nodded. "Yup. Definitely doing my nails." She got up from her spot on the bed and walked to her two story walk-in closet. Rosalie took the elevator up to the second level, grabbed her nail kit, and rode back down. Skipping back to her bed, Rosalie thought about what color she should paint her nails.
Pink? Hmm, no, I did that color last time...
Oh! Maybe a French pedicure? Eh, to plain...
Purple! To tacky...
Oh. My. God. A dusty light bulb went on in Rosalie's head. She had the best idea ever.
"Dinosaurs!" she yelled, quite pleased with herself. "I'll paint cute little dinosaur on my toes!" She went to work right away, sure that this new trend would be as popular as the Hannah Montana one-glove thing. But still. As soon as she started on her big toe, a loud noise from downstairs messed up her focus, and the tiny brush left a streak of green nail polish over the side of her toe. Rosalie stood up.
"What the hell?" she said, annoyed. She opened the door of her room, and almost immediately fell back down, surprised by the loud music that was playing in the Cullen house. Now even more angry, she stomped down the stairs, but again stopped in her tracks.
"What the hell are you guys doing?" she yelled over the music at Edward, Jasper, and Alice. Edward made some weird hand signal at her. Rosalie cocked her head to the right, and Edward scowled.
"We're trying to capture Emmett and stop the music!" he yelled back. Alice and Jasper nodded in agreement. "You should probably stay over there," Jasper said, nodding toward the kitchen, "we don't want you to mess up our plan."
This really got Rosalie pissed, and so, she decided to end this herself without messing it up, proving that not ALL blondes are dumb. She flipped her hair behind her shoulder walked into the living room, ignoring everyone's warning calls. She walked over to hear Emmett was dancing on top of the piano with his horribly fugly chicken suit playing the just-as-fugly Chicken Dance.
Rosalie put her hands on her hips, then took the boom box and chucked it against the wall, shattering into a million pieces. Emmett stopped dancing and stared at Rosalie. Everyone else was doing the same. Without a second glance, Rosalie turned on her heel and stormed upstairs muttering, "What the hell," over and over again.
Emmett sighed, jumped off the piano, and walked toward the group. Alice, Jasper, Edward, and Bella were all glaring at him.
"What?" he asked. Alice narrowed her eyes and held up the tranquilizer. "Payback time, Em." As soon as she was getting ready to fire, the front door opened to reveal Carlisle.
"Carlisle!" The Cullen kids exclaimed. "We thought you and Esme would be on the plane down there by now," Bella said.
"I would have been, "Carlisle mumbled, "but I forgot my pants." Everyone glanced down to Carlisle's boxers.
"Yes, so I just need to grab my pants then I'll be back on my way." Dr. Cullen looked around the living room, taking in the smashed stereo, the dog cage, Edward's cheese, and the tranquilizer. "I really don't want to know," Carlisle said, "but just please don't get into any trouble while we're gone." He quickly went upstairs, got some pants on, then left once again leaving Bella, Emmett, Edward, Alice, and Jasper standing awkwardly at the entrance to the living room.
"So," Edward drawled, "who wants pie?" and pulled apple pie out of his pants.
AN: Thank you SO MUCH for reading! I have a pretty general idea of what I'd like to do for the next few chapters, but I'm always open for suggestions! Just PM me or clickity click on the purtee button below and maybe leave a comment too! Remember, if you post a review, you get to feed my pet rock... Depending on how much feedback I get from you peoples, I might get the next chapter out somewhere between later this week and sometime next week. Thanks!