Not my best work, granted. But, in my defense, that's because this is my first attempt at humor and I haven't had opportunity to put the old 'Practice Makes Perfect' maxim into effect.
And yes, that is my story, and yes, I do indeed intend to stick to it.
Disclaimer: Having to write these things is like peanut butter companies having to put those stupid little MAY CONTAIN NUTS notes at the bottom of the ingredients list. If it's not self-explanatory to you that I DO NOT, and never WILL own House because I am writing FANFICTION, I pity the next wall you run into. Really I do.
"No way. I heard some of the nurses in the Pediatrics ward talking last week-"
"You're hanging out in the kid's ward? Kutner, I didn't know you swung that way! Should I be talking to Cuddy about your 'preferences?"
"Shut up, Taub. I was there for the nurses. And it's not my preferences we're talking about! Anyway, I heard them talking, and apparently, there's more going on between House and Wilson than a few drinks after work."
At this, Hadley butt in, managing to roll her eyes and look supremely uncomfortable at the same time. "Of course there is! They're best friends. And exactly how long have you worked here now? Rumors are a dime a dozen in this place, especially when they're concerning House."
Kutner wasn't about to be moved by his co-worker's disbelief. It wasn't as if he hadn't thought this through. "Just think about it! They don't leave the building together any less than 3 or 4 times a week, and sometimes it seems like Wilson spends more time in House's office listening to our differentials than he does in his own office, doing his own work."
"Doctor Wilson is a very respectable Oncologist-"
"And, have you ever heard House laugh with anyone besides Wilson? And I mean laughed with, not laugh at."
Taub and Foreman, quite amused by this exchange, looked at each other, and mutually decided Foreman should be the one to break it up before teeth went flying. "Don't bet on that, Kutner. Have you heard the Stacy Warner story yet?" When they all shook their heads, he shrugged. "Don't worry. That one should be on rotation sometime next week. All you need to know is that his heart belongs to someone already, and she was most definitely a woman."
Kutner, still refusing to be dissuaded, shook his head. "Well then, maybe…well, there's no reason he can't swing both ways!" Looking quite pleased with his deductions, he turned to the rest of the team. Taub was nodding with his lips sucked in, not looking the least bit convinced. Foreman rolled his eyes and simply looked amused. Hadley looked inexplicably uncomfortable with the entire conversation.
"Did you just accuse our boss of being bisexual?" Hadley asked, eyes wide and looking down the hallway at said bosses' door.
"Sure, Hadley, Say it a bit louder. I think there may have been some nurses down in the clinic who didn't hear that. Oh, but that's alright, because the rest of the nurses in the building can fill them in! God." Kutner's voice, slightly squeaky at the best of times, broke as his eyes joined Hadley's at his bosses' door, fully expecting House to walk out the door at that exact moment and overhear something that could seriously jeopardize his job.
"Why are you so eager for House to be gay, Kutner?" Foreman asked, voice tinged with a combination of genuine curiosity and a teasing quality.
Taub, feeling like he needed to put his two cents in, added, "Yeah, I thought we agreed you were into children, not men, Kutner!"
Kutner, opening his mouth for what was sure to be a witty and stinging retort (or, at least that's what it sounded like in his head), was interrupted by a soft, lightly lilting baritone, drifting through the glass door of the conference office.
House's employees glanced at each other; surprised, and rushed to said conference room to see what had gotten their boss so happy he was singing. To the best of any of their knowledge, House was not a happy-go-lucky kind of guy.
It was only as they got close enough to see into the room that they figured out the voice did not indeed belong to their boss.
"Siiiiilent night, Hooooooly night-"
"Wilson! You think just because you're a lousy singer and you can't hit a high note to save your life, that I'm going to do it?"
"Pretty much. Alllllll is calm, Alllllll is bright-"
"You can drag up every Christmas Carol you ever knew and sing it to me, I'm not taking it!"
"Round yon viiiiiiirgin, mother and chiiiiiild-"
"What's a nice Jewish boy like yourself doing singing songs to glorify Christmas, anyway?"
"Hoooooly infant so tender and miiiiiiild-"
"FINE! Do you want me to take your stupidly straightforward case, is that what you want?"
"Yes. I told you that's what I wanted, in the beginning."
"And if I do, will you stop singing?!"
"Yes."
"Give me that." House snatched the case file out of his best friend's hand and gimped into his office, all the while muttering that the Head of Oncology should be able to diagnose a simple case of acute intermittent porphyria.
Once House was out of sight, Wilson let a triumphant smirk take over his face and headed out onto the balcony and back to his office, one less case to worry about.
Hadley, Taub, Kutner and Foreman stood around the slightly open door, trying very, very hard not to laugh.
Kutner, feeling the need to say something to break the silence, whispered, " I guess we know who's in charge of that relationship!"