Note: This is the first of a series in which Lou goes through a series of events, caused by bad luck and also her bad decisions. It is a quite dark story, and I know many people did not like. Even so, I found it interesting and I enjoyed writing this strange, dark story. I hope at least one of you gives these two poor orphans of stories a little chance. Thanks

Chapter 1

'Tis a dream that I in sadness

Here am bound, the scorn of fate,

'Twas a dream that once a state,

I enjoyed of light and gladness.

What is life? 'Tis but a madness.

What is life? A thing that seems

A mirage that falsely gleams,

Phantom joy, delusive rest

Since is life a dream at best

And even dreams themselves are dreams.

(Life is a Dream by Calderón de la Barca)

Winter 1870

The cold air penetrated her bones and made her shiver. Lou wrapped the old coat tighter and folded her arms over her chest, but she couldn't get warm enough. It was freezing out here. The dress she was wearing was torn and thinning from so much use and wash, and the coat was in almost the same condition. The church circle usually donated clothes for the poor souls in the place and that was all she got to wear… somebody's rags. Because of her petite size she usually got some of the garments of a stout child from town, making her look totally ridiculous. At least those clothes had fit her, but her present dresses had belonged to a woman twice her size and there was no way she could feel comfortable. She had tried to make some alterations, but the shape still looked very awkward on her. Of course she couldn't complain and she should be glad to have something to wear.

Louise looked around the yard, studying the other women scattered in the area. Somehow the fresh, cold air made them look different… jollier if there was something jolly in this place… in any case, there was definitely a change in those usually blank faces that Lou knew so well, a reflection of what this hole turned people into: wild animals. This was much worse than the idea she had of hell. The stench, the dirt, the disease… everywhere, in each corner… one look around and she could recognize the women afflicted by consumption, smallpox and a wide variety of different illnesses. She had learned to distinguish all their signs from the first moments as well as if she were a doctor. Louise tried to be careful and prayed that she never caught her death here… she needed to survive, she couldn't die here and for that reason she took extra care in her habits every day. She made sure she didn't touch her mouth with her dirty fingers and hands, which was something she hadn't realized she did so much until she tried to control herself. She also kept away from those women as long as she could under the present circumstances, and when they were all packed in their cells, Lou always covered her mouth and nose with a handkerchief or a piece of material. Every day passing without signs of illness was a blessing, and after three years it was like a miracle, but she still held on because she had to… she needed to.

Like usual today they had been woken up by the loud, rough voices of the guards but instead of being shoved into the cold showers, they had been pushed out to the yard, which was reserved for the men inmates. Every three or four months the women's quarters were disinfected and for a few hours they were allowed to stay in the yard. Otherwise, they didn't leave those dungeons. That was the general routine for all women in the prison, but Louise knew that she had a privileged position here. She enjoyed some favors, some special treatment… of course she had to pull a few strings and use the rare condition of being white and young in this place for her own advantage. She knew the other women looked at her with evident hostility, but she had nothing to fear. She was safe and strong and nobody would dare to oppose her.

Louise lifted her eyes to the sky and smiled. Black clouds hovered over her, but that didn't diminish the feeling. Even if it started to rain right now, she wouldn't care. Being able to breathe fresh air instead of the nauseating stench of the prison and see the sky instead of that dark ceiling was such a delight, such a pleasure, such a present… A woman like her was now reduced to living behind bars, squeezed, suffocated… Lou sometimes wondered how she had resisted this long, how she hadn't died in this miserable environment… of course there was a single reason, the dream of freedom, that beautiful dream that one day would become a reality... yes, one day she'd be free again. Yes, she would leave this living death and would return to life.

The sound of loud voices nearby cut the moment of relish short. She shifted her eyes from the sky to the big building that housed the men in front of her and made out the outlines behind every single barred window. Lou's stomach churned in disgust as she heard the obscene comments coming from the men. Their arms flung through the grille in desperation as if they could reach for the women below and their hands moved in a variety of rude gestures. Lou ruefully thought that they seemed like dogs in heat, totally revolting. Their poor show didn't surprise Lou; it wasn't the first time she heard those 'sweet' words and she had seen worse things, especially from men who thought the world of themselves but in reality were as lowdown as the most vulgar of these poor devils.

Louise turned away and started walking in the opposite direction. Her face lit up as she saw a woman coming towards her. "Louise, where were you? I missed you," she remarked mockingly as both women knew there was no way they could miss each other in a place like this. Adelaide was the name of the woman in question. She was a black lady, a former slave in her early fifties, twice Louise's height and three times her size. Lou had befriended her soon after being sent here. In the first week she had found herself in deep trouble when a few women had tried to attack her viciously. Adelaide had appeared, standing up against the women, and needless to say, they had chickened out when confronted by such a big lady as Adelaide was. Since then the woman had become Lou's only friend and support in this hole… she had kind of adopted Lou and because of her friendship, Lou's days were a bit more bearable.

"Tell me… everything all right last night?"

"Yeah…" Louise answered vaguely as she looked around and spying a lonely corner at the other end of the yard, she grabbed Adelaide by the arm and pushed her in that direction. "Here, take this," Lou said and produced a chunk of bread, a piece of cheese, some cookies and even an apple from the pockets of her coat and shoved them in Adelaide's hands.

"Louise, I can't accept all that… that is yours… you need to eat," the black woman protested vaguely while her black eyes ravished the food in her hands.

"Don't worry. I had my feast already," Louise replied. "I can take care of myself, but I can't forget you."

"You're such a kind soul and this is heaven… total heaven," Adelaide exclaimed as she bit at the crisp apple. "That gruel they give us and call food is not even suitable for animals."

"We aren't even that, Addy… we are not better than animals for them," Lou replied bitterly as she ran her fingers through her chestnut hair, which she kept very short. She had cut her long tresses long ago to avoid getting uninvited guests like lice or nits or at least that way they were easy to spot and get rid of.

Louise saw then one of the guards walking towards where they stood. "Quick, Adelaide. Hide that. A turnkey's coming this way."

"What are you two doing here?" the guard asked roughly as he eyed the two women.

Louise lifted her scornful eyes to the man. "That's none of your damned business!"

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, the man's fist found her face, which made Lou stagger but she didn't fall. "Go where the others are or I'll send you to the punishment cell for a while."

Lou and Adelaide silently started in the direction the guard had 'kindly' pointed at. When they were at a safe distance, Adelaide said, "You should control your tongue, Louise, or you'll end up in big trouble."

"He's a bastard," Lou replied as she rubbed her sore jaw. The blow had made her bite her tongue and she could feel the familiar metallic taste of blood in her mouth.

"Yeah… they all are," Adelaide conceded, and looking behind her back, she got a good view of the man walking away. "Bastard or not, he's a nice, mouth-watering piece of flesh… I swear, Louise… I'd sell my soul to the devil to have that man between my legs."

Despite everything, Lou laughed. Adelaide's coarse language always amused her; she had that special touch. The same words in another person would sound rude and scandalous, but she made them sound fresh and normal. Adelaide was a worldly woman… after leaving the plantation where she had been born and grown up, Adelaide had to sell her body when there was no way she could make a decent living in this new hostile world. From serving a single master she had come to serve a handful. Things weren't that different for her from before the war. Bad luck then had led her to mess up with the wrong man and she had ended up in jail.

"Addy… he's just a man."

"A handsome man," Adelaide corrected as she licked her lips. "You can afford to despise him because you're young and beautiful, and can have any man you want."

Lou shook her head. "All men are the same. You know one, you know the whole lot."

"There are men and men, my pretty child," the older woman disagreed and after letting out a sigh, she added, "I will always remember Amos… one of the most beautiful slaves in the plantation… he was one man of a kind… passionate, intense, good-hearted… he also had a weak heart and the poor man almost died on top of me. I guess I wore him out." Lou's eyes widened in amusement as she laughed. Adelaide had the strangest stories to tell and she could be talking for hours and hours, and one could never get bored. "But," the older woman continued, "I imagine you also had your dose of romance… memories of a nice gentleman who swept you off your feet… all women have been in love sometime," Adelaide tried. Despite their friendship, she knew very little about Louise's life. Nothing strange in that. Once people crossed the gates of the prison, they left their lives outside, none wanting to mix their treasured memories with this sordid world.

"Not me… never… never ever," Lou replied almost automatically, feeling a jerk in her heart as the images of better times stumbled upon her mind. She averted her eyes from Adelaide's, fearing her friend could see a flicker of hesitation in them.

"Louise, come on…"

"That's just for gullible ninnies… those who believe in fairy tales and all that hogwash. I stopped believing in Prince Charming and Cinderella a long time ago! Love is not for me… not for the likes of us."

"For the likes of us?"

"We're the scum of the earth, Addy. You know that. We live in a different world… not like normal folks. I know I cannot love and I don't expect to be loved. That's not candy for me to taste."

Adelaide kept looking at Louise in silence as she spoke with such vehemence and intensity. For some reason the matter upset her young friend. Whatever Louise said, Adelaide knew she was lying. There was a man in her history… that was as plain as day… a man who surely had broken her heart and had hurt her. Otherwise, she wouldn't get this worked up. Nobody could fool Adelaide… she was an old hen and she could read Louise as an open book. Of course she wouldn't say a word against it… if Louise didn't want to talk, she must have her reasons and who was she to say anything?

Darkness finally fell over the prison. Louise lay awake in the shabby structure that had been her bed for the last three years. Not even at this time of the day was there peace and quiet in the place; the snores of her other cellmates filled the confined area and she could also hear loud voices from down the corridor. But those sounds weren't what kept her awake, nor even the cold that permeated throughout her whole body. It was the memories… memories of other times… memories of her regrets. Her body shook as the images invaded her mind, and she felt an urgent need to go to that secret corner of her existence.

After making sure that the other women were really asleep, Louise slid out of the bed and tiptoed across, careful of not stumbling against the sleeping bodies. There was a full moon and its light breezed into the cell through the tiny, barred window. With slow motions she lowered her body and sat under the window. The moonlight outlined her frame and for a few moments Lou swept her eyes over herself. Her face remained cold and expressionless as she kept staring at her own body, at the evidence of how this hell had changed her. Sometimes she thought she was actually dead because she couldn't feel anything but a terrible emptiness inside. Nothing of what happened to her affected her anymore; her spirit was defeated and broken and not even that realization moved her at all.

Pushing her thoughts away, Lou slid her hand under her dress where she had sewn a secret pocket on her petticoat. From its inside she took a small square card. She tilted it so that the light fell directly on it. Her lips spread into a smile as her eyes ran over the time-worn photograph. Her heart thumped strongly inside her chest as she studied him once again: his beautiful smile, his sandy hair and his eyes, which, even though the picture was black and white, looked as blue as she knew they were. Her index finger brushed over the image of his face. Did he ever think of her or had he forgotten her? Did he dream of her as much as she did of him? Was he happy? Would he still love her? There was no way she could know. She hadn't known anything about him for these three years because that was the way she had wanted it. She simply couldn't bear the shame of him seeing her rot in this place, a much more bitter pain than not being able to lay eyes on him and feel him in her arms. Hopefully her time here would soon be over. She had been sentenced to four years … one year, only one year left, and she'd get her much desired freedom… she had to hold on for only twelve more months and she'd be free again… free again. They'd be reunited at last , and then nothing or nobody would keep them apart, never again.