Title: "Let Me In"
Author: Cassandra Mulder
Rating: G
Archive: Anywhere reputable, as long as you e-mail me about it first,
and leave my name attached.
Spoilers: Up to and including Season 7
Classifications: MSR, Angst
Disclaimer: Of course I do not own anything pertaining to "The X-Files".
Would Chris Carter be doing this? I think not. :)
Author's Notes: This story came to me when I think Scully was in what I
called her "dark period". She just seemed really ticked all the time, and
I was so frustrated with it, I wrote this to vent. Mulder is frustrated in
the story, reflecting my feelings.
Feedback: Pretty please, with sugar on top?? dana_mulder31@hotmail.com :)
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Mulder sat behind his desk staring into space. Another late night at the
office, but he didn't know why he was still there. He'd just told Scully
to go home, she hadn't seemed to be in a very good mood at all.
Not that he could blame her. Neither one of them was particularly cheery
these days. With everything they'd been through lately they were so down,
they had very little idea how to get up again.
Of course, we would have each other under normal circumstances, Mulder
thought. But who ever said we were normal?
That had been on his mind alot lately. Sometimes Scully looked so sad,
and angry, and alone. All he ever wanted to do was hold her, but he was
afraid of what she might do if he tried. He never knew how she was going
to react to anything these days.
She was shutting him out more than ever before, and he could only wish he
knew what to do about it. He didn't know what was happening. Everything
seemed to be falling apart around him faster than he could put it back
together. And he was the only one that seemed to care. Scully just walked
around blank, and never in good spirits.
He got up from his desk, grabbed his jacket, turned off the light, and
locked the door behind him.
If he didn't go home now, he'd probably wind up falling asleep behind
his desk, and Scully would just get on to him when she came in in the
morning.
He walked to the parking garage and unlocked his car. He slipped behind
the wheel and sat there for a moment trying to clear his head.
But it wasn't working.
I've got to find some way to get through to her, he thought, without
her biting my head off.
He wasn't afraid of Scully by any means. He was only afraid of taking
two steps back from where they already were. Two steps back would be
off a cliff.
He started the car, and pulled out of the garage, knowing he didn't
want to go home, but not knowing where else to go.
So Mulder just drove. Endlessly. Just drove for hours. And thought.
Thought about all he and Scully had been through together, how all
those things had deeply changed them both.
But Scully seemed more affected somehow. She was no longer the seemingly
lively, eager, energetic young woman who had first walked into his office
8 years ago. She had become edgy for the most part, withdrawn and very
short-tempered.
His calm, caring Scully had become someone he couldn't even remotely
figure out anymore.
And he blamed himself for everything that had happened to her.
He knew he wasn't personally responsible, HE had never done anything
to her. But he blamed himself for always dragging her along wherever he
went. And even though he knew it had always been her choice, he still felt
guilty. Guilty for loving her and not being able to let her go.
He needed to talk to her, but his cell phone just wouldn't do for this
conversation. And he couldn't just waltz into her apartment at 2:00 a.m.
for no apparent reason.
So he came up with a better idea.
**************************************************************
The phone beside Scully's bed rang. She rolled over and looked at the
clock. 2:02 a.m.
Who's calling at this hour?, she thought. She picked up the phone.
"Hello?", she said, her voice thick from sleep.
"Scully, it's me", she heard on the other end.
"Mulder? What are you doing? It's 2 in the morning. Is everything alright?"
"Everything's fine. Sort of. I've got some bad news though."
Scully groaned. "What is it, Mulder?"
"Skinner just called me, and he wants us to stakeout a warehouse on
the outskirts of D.C."
"All of the sudden, at this hour?"
"Afraid so. They just got a tip at headquarters, and the agents that
would normally handle it can't be reached. So Skinner called us in."
"Mulder", she groaned.
"C'mon, Scully. It's drug dealers. Easy stuff. Do you want me to pick
you up, or you wanna drive yourself?"
"You better come get me, Mulder. I'll fall asleep at the wheel."
Because I'm so exhausted from working on the X-Files, and now I have to
hunt down stupid drug dealers in the middle of the night, she thought.
"How soon will you be here?", she asked.
"I'll be about 20 minutes or so. Can you be ready by then?"
"Yeah sure, Mulder. Why not?", she replied, thoroughly aggravated.
"Alright, I'll see you then, Scully.", he said, seemingly unaffected by
her tone, and he hung up.
Scully stumbled out of bed, and turned on the light. She was extremely
POed. Great, she thought, now not only does he take up my every waking
hour, he has to interrupt my sleeping ones too.
She didn't want to be mad at him. She was sick of being mad at him, but
the fact was, she WAS mad at him. Furious, angry, livid, whatever word
you used, she was it. She felt like throwing something.
Why does he do this to me?, she thought. Why do I *let* him? He thinks
he can just call me up any hour of any day and I'll come running.
And then she stopped rushing around.
But I do, she realized. He calls, I'm there. I always do come running,
and I don't understand it. And I'm not only mad at him, I'm mad at myself
for letting him get away with as much as he does. If I told him no every
once in awhile, I might have a life and I might get some sleep.
She threw on her clothes, and ran a brush through her hair. Her anger
had made her wide awake.
Just as she finished grabbing her gun and her bag, she heard a horn in
the parking lot.
It was Mulder. And he could very well be in trouble.
**************************************************************
Mulder sat in the parking lot waiting for Scully. From the tone of her
voice on the phone, he expected a confrontation. Or if she kept acting
like she didn't care about anything, maybe not.
He saw her headed for the car now. She did NOT look happy at all.
As if that were new.
She opened the passenger door, plopped down in the seat, and slammed
the door as hard as she possibly could.
And she didn't say a word.
Oh boy, Mulder thought, this may be harder than I thought. And it might
get ugly.
"Hello, Scully.", he said,trying to get something out of her.
Nothing.
So Mulder just shut up and drove. He didn't know how he was going to say
what he needed to say if she was giving him the silent treatment. But on
the other hand, he thought, if she won't talk, all she can do is listen.
But he decided to hold his tongue until they reached their destination.
He didn't need her beating him up while he was trying to drive.
Mulder glanced at Scully out of the corner of his eye every so often.
She seemed to be seething, which was only making him nervous. He had been
trying to work up what he was going to say to her in his head, but he was
too distracted. He'd just have to cross that bridge when he got there.
Right now, his main concern was what Scully was going to do when they got
to where they were going, and there was no warehouse. She was probably
going to kill him, but there wasn't much he could do about that now. He
had to commit to what he'd gotten himself into, because there was no
turning back.
They finally turned into the field where he had decided to take her. It was
quiet and away from the city.No distractions. They could use the headlights
for any light they needed.
And no one will ever find my body if she kills me, he thought.
He parked, and she finally spoke.
"Mulder, where are we?", she asked through what sounded like clenched
teeth. "There's no warehouse here."
This is it, Mulder thought, I'm a dead man.
"Thank you for stating the obvious, Scully. I know there's no warehouse
here", he shot back.
"Then what are we doing here?", she asked, growing more irritated by
the second.
"Well, if you want the truth, I needed to talk to you."
Scully's look was murderous. She ripped off her seat belt, got out
of the car, and slammed the door.
Mulder sat there for a second watching her walk away, then he got out
of the car and went after her.
"Scully", he yelled, "come back here."
She stopped and spun around.
"What is going on,Mulder?", she yelled. "What are you doing? You
wake me up at 2 in the morning, and then drag me off to some field,
JUST TO TALK!? Are you nuts, Mulder? Have you completely and totally
lost your mind?"
"No, Scully. I really *have* to talk to you."
"Mulder,"she said, still yelling, "you could've talked to me in the
morning at the office. Anywhere but here tonight."
She turned around and stomped off again.
But this time, Mulder caught up to her. He grabbed her by the arm
and spun her around.
"No I couldn't have, Scully. Because you wouldn't listen to me in the
morning, just like you're not listening to me now. But you have to listen
to me. I have to sort things out before this drives me insane."
"*What* are you talking about?", Scully shouted.
"You really don't know, do you, Scully? You don't see how you've been
acting lately, and what it's been doing to us, do you?"
"No, I don't see, Mulder. Why don't you just tell me?"
"Alright, Scully.", he was sick of trying to get through to her.
"You're cold, you're hard, and you treat me like I'm an idiot every
minute of every day. You act as if you're too good for your work, and
your surroundings, and I've had enough!"
**************************************************************
Scully felt like she'd been slapped in the face. Does he know what he's
saying?, she thought.
But then she realized maybe he was right. And yet she was still furious.
"Oh I do, do I?", she questioned.
"Yes you do, Scully. And it has been killing me to see you like
this. The only reason I brought you out here is because I desperately
need you to talk to me. You don't do that anymore, and I have to know
what's wrong."
"Who says anything's wrong?", she snapped.
"Scully, I see it in your eyes, your face, your whole demeanor. It can't
be ignored anymore. I know we've both had a hard year, but if you carry
it all inside it's going to kill you. It's not healthy. We have so many
unresolved issues at this point. Is it Donnie Pfaster? Me dragging you
through finding my sister? You're carrying so much, Scully. You need to
tell me."
She wrenched her arm away from Mulder, and took a few steps forward. Then
she turned around and threw her arms up to the sky.
"IT'S EVERYTHING,MULDER!", she shouted. "It's you kissing me, and then us
acting like it never happened. It's me killing Donnie Pfaster and having
to live with it. It's having to watch you go through your mother's death.
Do you realize how hard that was on ME, Mulder? That night at your apartment
all I wanted to do was take every bit of your pain away. But I couldn't, and
that killed me inside. We've both lost so much. How much more are we going to
lose? Ourselves? Each other? We're practically the only thing we have left."
Tears started slowly falling from her eyes. "If I've acted any way toward
you, Mulder,it's just that I'm so tired. I'm tired of working all the time,
I'm tired of the hurt, the loss, false hope, conspiracies, and men with no
names. But I'm not tired of you, Mulder. I just wish you'd be a little more
understanding sometimes. For example, I wish you'd understand I don't want
to be anywhere in the middle of the night, except at home in my bed." She
rubbed her hand across her eyes.
"I know, Scully. This was completely spur of the moment. It seemed like
a good idea at the time. I just didn't know what else to do. I wanted you
to let me in so badly, I couldn't think of anything else. Let me in, Scully.
Please.", he pleaded with her. "I can't watch you like this anymore."
"I want to, Mulder. I really do, but there are so many things in our way.
You know that. There are just some things that are impossible."
**************************************************************
"No, Scully", Mulder said. "I don't believe anything's impossible
anymore. Especially not this. Not us. And nothing is in our way.
The only thing that's ever been in our way is us!", his voice rose
in desperation. "Can't you see that? Not our jobs, or our friendship,
just us. And every time we get close to something, you pull away. And
I'll admit I've probably been to blame a couple of times. But I think
*you* are scared."
He was so frustrated with her.
"You're terrified of something, but of course you never tell me anything,
so how should I know? What you said a few minutes ago is the deepest thing
I've heard out of you in months."
He walked over to her, and took her hands in his.
"Just tell me what you want from me, Scully. I want you to talk to me.
I want to be there for you. You have to let me. What do you want?"
"Mulder, you don't want to know what I want."
"Ok, but I bet I can guess anyway."
Scully just looked at him funny, he wasn't sure if she knew what
he was thinking or not.
Still holding her hands, he took her arms and wrapped them around him.
Then he wrapped his arms around her. He held her for a moment, then slipped
his hand up to the side of her face and lifted her eyes to meet his.
But what she did next completely shocked him. Scully ran her hand up
behind his neck, stood on her tiptoes, and their lips met before he
even knew what was happening.
She finally settled back to the ground, and his head was spinning.
"Wow", he couldn't help saying.
Scully giggled, and it was music to Mulder's ears. He couldn't remember
the last time she had really laughed.
"Well, Scully, I guess I wasn't wrong when I said you always keep me
guessing."
"Mulder, that shouldn't have been hard to guess. That's all I've been
wanting from you. That, and a little understanding", she smiled her best
smile at him.
"That's what I wanted from you too, Scully. But frankly, I thought you'd
slap me silly."
"Oh", she said, "you didn't know I'd just be helpless in your arms?"
"Are you teasing me, Scully?", Mulder replied, plenty of mischief in his
own voice.
"Uh-uh", she said innocently.
"Because if you are.....", he grabbed her around the waist, swung her
around, and they fell in a heap on the ground.
They were both laughing hysterically now. Scully had tears running down
her face, and Mulder had her pinned.
He wasn't letting her up either.
"M-Mulder", she said, gasping for air, "wh-what are you doing?"
And then the look in his eyes made her stop laughing.
She knew she had seen it there before, but never so vivid, so strong.
Still looking into her eyes, he cradled her head in his hands, and kissed
her like she'd never been kissed before.
He ended the kiss, his face still close to hers, and said, "Do you want
to stay out here a little while longer? I've got some blankets in the car."
**************************************************************
Scully just smiled her agreement, and they walked hand in hand back to
the car, and got two blankets out of the trunk.
They found a spot where the grass was short, and laid one blanket on
the ground. They sat down on it and wrapped the other one around them.
Mulder took Scully in his arms and lay down.
She had never felt so content as she was lying there in Mulder's arms
looking up at the stars.
"Mulder, do you really believe Samantha's up there somewhere? Are you
really alright with that?", she asked softly.
"Yeah, Scully. I do. And I'm fine with that, just as long as she's not
suffering anymore. That's what I always worried about. Where is she,
and are they hurting her? And as much as I wanted to see her alive again,
if she's not in pain, and she wasn't suffering all these years, I'm somewhat
relieved by that. But I haven't stopped missing her, Scully. I still dream
about her all the time, wondering what kind of person she would've been if
she'd grown up. But I have to put it behind me somehow. I hung onto her for
26 years. I think she finally told me to let go."
"I'm sorry, Mulder. I don't think I've ever told you that", she felt like
crying for him.
"I know, but it's alright now. I have you."
She squeezed him a little tighter.
"It's so good to have you back, Scully. I've missed you alot."
"Well, I certainly made you get through to me the hard way, didn't I?
I am so sorry, if I'd realized sooner, if I'd known what I was putting you
through."
"Scully, believe it or not, I forgive you. You've had your own set of
problems, and I've probably been insensitive to them."
"Not really, I've shut you out so much since, well, what happened, you
didn't really have a chance to be any way about anything."
"You mean Pfaster?", he asked cautiously.
He heard her sigh deeply.
"Yeah.....", she hesitated.
"It's alright, Scully. If you haven't already, you have to ask for
forgiveness, and you have to forgive yourself. You reacted as a result
of your emotional state at the time. Almost anyone would have done what
you did. The man had just tried to kill you for the second time. He was
evil incarnate. If he was still alive he would have eventually escaped
again. Somehow. I don't think he was human, Scully. I know it's been hard,
but it's time for you to let that go. He's gone, you can't let him destroy
your life forever."
"I know, Mulder. It's over and there's nothing I can do about it now.
I can't let him get to me anymore, it's what he would've wanted. I realize
that now. I almost screwed up big time. I almost lost you."
Scully raised up on her elbow, so that she was looking down at Mulder.
"I did screw up, didn't I?", she asked sheepishly.
Mulder let out a low chuckle.
"Nobody's perfect. Not even you, Agent Scully."
She smiled, slightly embarrased, and buried her face in Mulder's chest.
She lifted her head again, and stroked Mulder's hair.
"Love me anyway?", she inquired.
"Yes, I do. In spite of my better judgement", he teased.
She playfully whacked him on the stomach, before dropping a kiss on his lips.
"I love you, Mulder. And *definitely* in spite of my better judgement", she
laughed.
"Are you teasing me again, Scully?"
"No, not this time", she said trying to stifle a laugh.
He quickly rolled her over on her back.
"Haven't you learned where that'll get you?", he asked.
"Maybe that's where I want to be", she replied.
Scully put her arms around his neck, and raised up to kiss him.
Just as they parted, she noticed the sun was rising.
She giggled.
"What?", Mulder asked.
"Mulder,the sun's coming up", she replied.
He looked behind him. "So it is."
He turned back over and took Scully in his arms again.
They watched the beautiful sunrise, until Scully finally said, "Mulder,
we have to go to work, you know. And we've been up all night."
"Do we have to?", Mulder mock-whined.
Scully laughed, "Unless you have a better idea."
"Actually I do", he replied. "Let's call in sick."
"And that's not going to seem weird, both of us at once?"
"Who cares?", he said. "They can *think* whatever they want. They always
have."
"Sounds good to me", Scully said.
Mulder got up and pulled Scully up off the ground. He put his arm around
her waist as they walked to the car.
"But they *are* going to be suspicious I bet", she said.
"Oh well," Mulder said, grinning, "they probably saw it coming before we did."
THE END :)
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