I watched her pack her bags. My head rests on my hand in a bored tone, but I'm anything but that. In the fashion she did this, it seemed as if she was leaving on vacation and be returning. She took time, and examined everything, If only that was the case.
She was leaving for good. My own fears and paranoia's driving her away. Maybe if I had been better, she'd be staying. Maybe if I over looked everything, I wouldn't be losing the biggest part of me. She's taking everything of hers, clothes, CD's, even pictures of us. She expected to be forgotten, but that was something she would never get from me. She reaches for a picture by the night stand. Two smiling girls in matching dresses stare at me with cold eyes. I jump off my perch and take the picture from her, caressing it close against my chest. She looks at me with a long smirk, and continues to pack up more of her things.
Her suitcase was well past full when she left. Her eyes stare me over, a small smile resting on her lips, I knew in the back of mind she was happy to be going.
"You know I love you," She lies to me, "but I, I just can't stay. Goodbye my city girl." I let my emotions grasp my fragile state now. She gives me one last hug, and when she pulls away, the oddest feeling comes over me. My chest seized and felt like it collapsed, an utter terror makes my stomach turn. I want to scream, I need to tell her every reason she should stay. But all I managed to come up with my own selfish needs, so instead I choke out a soft 'goodbye'.
I spend the rest of the day wallowing around in my own self pity. I didn't cry, because lord knows these tears are a lie created by the sickness manifesting inside me, still, I did miss her in the few moments she's been gone. I sit on the little red faux-leather couch, the only thing she had left behind. The living room was now vacant, of coarse, my belongings were scattered about here, but without hers, it just felt like an empty hole to me. I stare out the windows for hours, a small sense of false hope praying the glare would bring you around.
I haven't moved for almost an hour, there seemed no need to. I wasn't thirsty, my stomach rumbled with the sound of my nerves, rather that then sound of hunger. I quickly realize the incredible doziness was the result of my bodies un-willingness to carry on. This strange insanity fell upon my mind, it moved me in ways I've never known. I couldn't stop the feeling that my life should end on this day, because I would inever/i find someone, such as herself, again.
I close my eyes and let out a stressed sigh, my eyes dance around the ruins of my home. It now felt like nothing more than a box containing my items and needs to live. My heart no longer feels attached to this place, I long desperately to get out, and that's what I as I walk to the door and pick the keys from the hook. When the house was locked I began my decent down to a small walking bridge a block over.
It was sunny today, and incredibly hot, an odd relief from the normal rainy weather of July. I liked the way the pavement felt against my bare feet, the soft breeze coming off the rivers surface cools my face. I drag my slender hand across the bars on the railings, smiling as a 3 year old might had they been doing the same thing. I choose a nice spot, not to far from the center of the bridge. To left of me a boy sits with his guitar, I see him here almost every day.
"Hear my words, sing my song. Take it home and take it on. Take my heart, like you do. Now there's nothing more to prove. I'd grow tired with somebody new." I don't know if I was imagining this, or if he really just sang what I thought he did. Either way, the irony causes a slight grin. He looks up at me briefly before hiding his blushing cheeks. I sigh and look at the few people passing by, somewhat wishing one would be a fucking hero and stop me from this stupidity.
I stare out into the murky water, closing my eyes and painting images of happier times in my mind. "I am plain, plain to see. But what you see inside of me? Take me down, to the bone. You'll never fear to be alone."
I hoist myself up on to the steel side-guards, throwing my legs on the side so I'm sitting on the hand rail. I look back at the boy, his chocolate eyes question me. I shrug and look back over the water, reaching my legs down onto the small ledge below my perch. The boy drops his guitar on the ground as he stands.
"Hey there, lady. Are you okay?"" His voice was edgy, yet filled with the most sincerity I'd heard in years. I scoff and shoot the boy a glance he didn't really deserve.
"Do I look okay?" I scream, wrapping my arms tight against the railing. I was trying my best to look brave with my cowardly actions.
"That's not really the most effective way to kill yourself. You may as well overdose on childrens Tylenol." I mock his smirk childishly. Who did he think he was?
"You don't fucking know me, or what I've been through." I mumble, returning my glance down to the water. My heart beat one hundred miles an hour in my chest.
"What if you were dragged to shore? You'd be thrown in a psych-ward and placed on suicide watch for the next year of your life. Perhaps the insanity of losing someone out weighs the insanity you'll gain from four white walls. Yeah?" He looks at me with a troubled glance, I can't quite figure out what he's looking for in me.
"How-how did you know she left me?" He shrugs and picks up his guitar laying face down on the ground. I pull myself back over the rail. Falling to the cement, a place I'd like to stay for a while. I look at the faces of people passing by, no one paid any attention. Had I been invisible, or had I never noticed the declination of human kindness before?
"It was just a guess," He sits beside me and smiles, "what's her name?" I begin to feel uneasy at even the thought of her name. My eyes struggle to dull the stinging sensation in them.
"Christina.."
I'm confused by the grin he wears. A moment ago he seemed as at the end of his ropes as I am, and now he wears a foolish grin. He looks at a tall girl walking by, a baby girl hanging off her arm.
"Ah. And yourself?" I raise my eyebrows, slightly bemused by his antics.
"What's your name?" He shrugs, still looking at the young mother.
"Lucas, but I did ask you first." He mumbles. I pull my knees close to my chest, the surprise that this boy had just saved me leaves me with an awkward smile.
"I'm Tegan."
"That's a pretty name," he says with a smile, "would you like to join me in getting a coffee and lunch, Tegan?" Once again, his vision is preoccupied at someone else. I catch onto the game he was playing. I felt like hitting my head against the rail. I shouldn't go, maybe if I was lucky and got home, Christina would be there begging to me she was sorry.
iYou are a fucking idiot. She's gone, you know it. Go for coffee, you never know./i My mind snaps at me. I grumbled before reluctantly answering "Sure."
He takes me to a small restaurant close to Downtown. I can't really explain why I followed him so far from home. This familiar feeling of safe hung around us, I swear I've met this boy before. Everything he does reminds me of an old friend, from his obnoxious giggle, to the way he doodles on the table with the end of his slim index finger.
I look up at him, deciding he was a spiting image of a girl I used to know named Lilia. Perhaps he was a relative, even a sister I, or even she her self hadn't known about.
"This place has the best spaghetti." He says burring his face deep into a menu- pulling me from my thoughts. I smile. He's only silent for a few moments, before his mouth floods me with a sea of questions.
"So, how long were you guys together?" He says, still looking at the menue. Even the way he covered up his burning sensation to know things about others reminded me of Lilia. I sigh and think back a few years.
"It's been awhile, six years at least. We were married when I was twenty." He smirks, taking a sip of his coffee.
"That changes the story a bit," I look in his chocolate eyes. "I you might have been 15 or 16. I've seen you two on the bridge quite a bit, I thought you were just to teenagers In Like with each other.' He smirks, I feel my stomach turn. I don't think there ever was a point in my life were I was in like with Christina, and not In love. But I guessed my pills prevented me from knowing this. I sigh.
"I'm 22, thank-you-very-much. She was my high school sweetheart, but you know what they say about them." He shrugs.
"No, actually, I don't. I probably won't know either, I never got a chance with mine." Lucas laughs to himself a bit, looking into my eyes for the first time since we've entered the joint. I take this opportunity to question him now, pressing for information I wasn't quite sure I cared about.
"Why not?" He shrugs again and bites his bottom lip. I close my eyes and concentrate on his voice. He talked with a slight growl. It was teasing, almost.
"She had other plans on who she wanted to be with."
"What do you mean?" He returns his vision back to his menu.
"You're sweet, did you know that?" I pout and begin to flip through the menu, also.
"As for you." I wait for him to speak up again, but he's silent the rest of lunch.