The ideas and opinions that are implemented in this fan fiction do not necessarily represent my own ideas nor are they intended to offend anyone. I know for some it may seem hateful and a tad controversial, but for others it will seem funny. It's funny for me. That's why I did it. I'm also procrastinating right now. So go ahead… enjoy reading Procrastination's results.
Hermione, the Fat Sack of Crap
She thought she could do it, but she was wrong. Gravity never forgets to do its dirty work, especially in a place like Hogwarts. She reached up, for the very book she wanted on the highest shelf, her toes already on the second shelf up. But the entire shelf began to tip…
The books toppled, by the hundreds it seemed. The commotion caused the dead silent library to stir and glance in her direction.
Hermione's hands reached up from under the pile and she began to dig herself out.
"Ow!" she groaned in pain and rubbed her head, where corners of the books had stricken her. She blushed as a result of the shrieks of laughter that followed.
"I'd have expected that to happen!" one snivelling third year giggled to her odd, red-headed looking friend. Hermione hid the most important book she had come for under her cloak, although these days it seemed quite a task. It was worth it too, as it was the only one of its kind that Hogwarts library provided. "The Weighty Witch's Wide-Waisted Woes" by Henrietta Hildegarde. Having checked that book out and making a… well not a run… more of a quick waddle to her dormitory (escaping the mess she made in the library), Hermione heaved herself down onto her bed and relaxed, trying to catch her breath before she began to read this magical self-help book.
Hermione. Was. FAT. But fat fat. Morbidly obese. No wonder why she caused that entire shelf to haul over! It's no shock the piles of books didn't kill her either, seeing as she was covered by a protective layer of that good old capital F, A, T.
Of course, as I'm sure you're already thinking, she wasn't always this ridiculously obese. Come her sixth year though, she blew up. Like a balloon. A bulbous and billowing result of what had occurred the previous summer…
A relatively ordinary looking young girl with noticeably bushy hair strode casually into the newly opened shopping centre that summer morning. Expecting nothing remarkably exciting (with the exception of a new bookshop) she dawdled around, aimlessly, in search of a distraction from the ho-hum repetitiveness of commercialism. Ironic, how she was expecting that from a standard shopping centre. Even more ironic, how she was soon to discover a most conventional section existing in any shopping district, and fall in love. It was the FOOD COURT! Oh, the glorious food court! The wonders it beheld! The endless aisles of glazed doughnuts! Glazed with heavenly chocolate, tasty toffee and butterscotch cream… And the cakes! The dazzling, decorative cakes with their berries, icing and sprinkles, crafted as if by the hands of a fairy. And what of the Mexican place? The Super-Size bowl of Nachos with a Free Taco deal for ONLY 3.99!
The cheese franchise! Where anything and everything relevant to cheese could be found. And that's not all, just wait till she finds her way to that make-your-own-candy bar.
So Hermione gobbled away her days and ways, measuring her life out in empty wrappers, boxes and paper bags.
How it changed her, wouldn't you say? Here she was, reading carefully from a self-help book on how to shed a few.
She started from the chapter entitled "Being Jolly- Confidence for the Weighty Witch"
Before I, a fellow weighty witch began to think differently, I regularly forgot the importance of self-confidence. The emotional struggle it was, too for into nothing below a Tent Size could squeeze over my belly… it was heart wrenching. How my eyes glazed after those fancy looking smaller sized robes!
How I cried myself to sleep at night, of not being able to glide gracefully across the dance floor like the "pretty girls" at my Yule Ball, and other such gatherings. Rather, I sat lonely and laughably noticeable in the corner, like a Pop and Fresh.
And, like you, at the end of an emotional gut-wrenching day of eating away the pain … I would eat more. Cauldron Cakes, Bertie Botts, and all the pies in the world graced my gullet with the aim of quenching my depression, my fear, and my anger at being the size of a hideous troll! But it never did me a thing but make me expand, beyond my tent size, when the buttons would fly from my robes, the seams would tear as I sat…
Oh how Hermione could relate! The tears dribbled out of her eyes down her plump cheeks, dripping off her face and getting lost in her flab roles somewhere.
"Oh, Henrietta! You, a fellow portly pig have known me all my life! I was lost without your guidance up until this point!" for some reason, she wailed this out loud, with the knowledge that there were other Gryffindors hanging about in the common room somewhere.
She grabbed a conveniently stored box of cream-filled chocolate pastry biscuits from under her pillow and guzzled them delightfully as she read on, shuffling about trying to shake off the crumbs that stuck in the flaps of her elbows and the rolls of her exposed belly. (The T shirt couldn't quite cover it up).
So witches! It's time to cast of the shackles of your more attractive oppressors! Seize the day! Carpe Diem! Here's a list of defiance, a list of freedom for people like you. Fat people. Enjoy, take hold, and be free in all your rotund glory! Here's how!
STOP shopping in the Tent Size stores in Diagon Alley. Don't settle! Go ahead and squeeze into those tiny robes! Let em' unbuckle and show off yer sexy flesh! Better yet, make it a short skirt, and a sleeveless top, that only goes halfway down your protruding gut! Don't bother wearing underwear either, unless you prefer a G-String, that's much sexier.
Eat, eat and EAT all the crap you want! In extra large servings! Five bowls of ice cream coming right up! Three hamburgers, as a snack! What do you do when you feel depressed? Go straight to your nearest source of rich food! Gobble down forty cookies and swallow a burrito or two! No one will be disgusted! Don't worry- you can eat what you want!
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to deny your obesity, while calling other fat people fat too! Take it ti the next step! In all your pathetic jealousy, call leaner people fat! It'll show them just how fit and toned you are.
While you're at it, wolf down bags of sweets and crisps. And I mean bags! Two giant bags which are enough for about a family of four for a week and a dinner party is good for a snack.
And last, but not least, never exercise and always let gas pass loudly in the presence of others. It's exceedingly charming and a good indicator of your wonderful inner health.
Hermione was stunned at this advice she was receiving from the book. Assuming that it would deliver her some magical ideas on how to loose the lard, she was trapped in her disbelief.
But rather than remain stunned, she decide to take on the advice!
"That's right Hermione! Cast of the shackles of your more attractive oppressors!"
She proclaimed loudly to herself. She shook the remaining crumbs from the bottom of her cookie bag into her mouth and shoved another conveniently stored banana cream cake between her teeth. Not bothering to wipe any of it off her mouth, she tumbled her heavy load to her trunk and began to dig to find some of her old clothes.
She found her old stretchy singlet top.
"This can be used as a skirt!"
And another old T shirt.
"This will show of my sexy layers of flab!"
She didn't own a G-String, so she just decided to go without.
Squeezing into the T Shirt that exposed her gut and slightly ripping the old singlet top she was now using as a skirt, she trod down out of her dormitory to the Great Hall, just in time for lunch!
"Oh my god!" one of the Gryffindor students shrieked as Hermione trudged down stairs, wobbling in all her fleshy glory.
"Hermione! Why are you dressed like that?" Ron blurted out, unable to control the expression of horror on his face.
Hermione turned her nose up at them and waddled out of the common room, and into the Great Hall.
She grabbed a serving plate of mashed potato and gravy and chewed and munched and slurped till half on it was gone and the other half had fallen all over her.
Ignoring the looks of horror and laughter on the students faces, she seized a chicken pie from the plate of one of the students and tore at it with her ravenous teeth, and then she swiped a bread roll from another plate and cleanly finished that off too!
It was an amazing sight to see how she could continually devour so much food. She was eating like a machine!
"Down the mullet, past the gums, look out stomach, here it comes!" some voices chimed in the background.
Hermione didn't just stop there. Quite honestly, for plot convenience I'm going to say the teachers didn't care about what she was doing. They were casually eating and conversing without much ado. So back to the story…
As you can imagine she just kept going… Until, all of a sudden… Her body froze in shock. The cellulite rippled across her body much like a Mexican wave. Her face looked stricken with imminent horror… And she collapsed, smothered in the mountains of food she had previously gorged on.
A group of students ran and surrounded her.
"Is she dead?" a shy first year asked.
One of them sort of kicked Hermione's massive, lifeless body with the tip of their shoe, much like poking a dead body with a stick, but there was no stick around, and no one was prepared to use their wands.
"I can't tell if she is or isn't breathing" another student muttered.
"Check, maybe someone should do CPR!"
(A/N: Do Hogwarts students even know what CPR is? Eh, plot convenience…)
"There's no freaking way I'm doing CPR on that thing!" a Ravenclaw girl declared.
They broke out in half laughter have a quick discussion for what could be done in the situation.
"Wait! I think she's moving!" a little Hufflepuff boy piped…
Hermione began to wobble… ripple… And spread? Expand?
What on earth was going on? The crowd of children surrounding her had spread out in shock.
"She's getting fatter! Growing bigger! But how?"
In an instant, she had grown ten times as large as she was before, and consequently, fifteen times as tall. It's obvious what must have happened to the clothes she was wearing.
"It's a fat hungry giant! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" yelped that Hufflepuff.
Giant Hermione reached out with her massive arm, and grabbed him by the collar.
"You! First!" she bellowed. She opened her hungry mouth and threw his scrawny body inside, swallowing him instantly.
Cries of horror echoed all around the room.
Hermione then reached down with both hungry and grimy hands once more, grabbed about three innocent first years in each hand, and bit their crunchy heads off, one by one, then sucked out the blood and guts that remained in their bodies through their necks. She finished off their bodies like fortune cookies, all crunchy and sweet.
"I! WANT! MORE!!!!" Hermione roared, sending the entire hall into a frenzy! And then she ate Snape and Flitwick and Sprout all in one go.
Dumbledore was too drunk too care what was going on, and none of the other teachers wanted to interfere seeing as the author preferred them not to.
And it so happens that Hermione the fat, naked giant ate half of Hogwarts and ordered the house elves to mass produce copious amounts of food for her. She also organised a breeding system of the remaining students in which they would mass produce babies for Hermione to snack on like raisins. She moved into the Forbidden Forest, married Grawp, had children with him and ate them too, and employed Hagrid to serve them cooked raisin babies all day long.
The End
Oh, and to answer the question I know any readers could ask in a review, no I am not fat, like the Hermione in my fan fiction. You may however, if it makes you feel all the better, call me fat if you wish. I'll just laugh. I laughed a little inside my head while writing this. I hope I'll get a few laughs from some readers. Laughter is enjoyable, is it not?