Author's Note: I was a little hesitant to post this after learning about all of the copyright controversy about songfics, but you can get these lyrics anywhere. The song is "Let Him Fly," written and performed by Patty Griffin (the song has since been covered by both the Dixie Chicks and Jessica Simpson). Even just listening to the song while you read it might help you feel the emotion that I think pervades the entire relationship between Mal and Inara.
--Ain't no talkin to this man, ain't no pretty other side --
He's cruel to let me see his pain. I know he could hide it, but he doesn't even try. I can't give him what he deserves, we both know that. Hell, I deserve it too, but no one thinks about that.
--Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride--
He calls me "whore." I call him "petty." He thinks I sell something that shouldn't be sold and I think he steals things that he should have to pay for.
--It would take an acrobat, I already tried all that--
He says he respects me but doesn't respect my job, but he doesn't understand that my job is who I am. Not because I couldn't do anything else, not because I didn't have a choice when I decided to commit myself to this, but because I need to stay grounded. I need to keep these parts of myself separate – the part that gives pleasure, the part that loves, the part that needs things to be organized and clean and detached.
--I'm gonna let him fly--
I have to go. What I want doesn't matter. What I deserve doesn't matter. What I need is all that counts.
--Things can move at such a pace, the second hand just waved goodbye --
How was I supposed to know I would become so dependent? I'm not myself anymore. Not the me that I trained to be, the only me I know how to be. I never saw it coming. I never thought my guard would drop so completely.
--You know the light has left his face, but, you can't recall just where or why--
When I told him that I was leaving, I thought he might stop me. Might admit that he needs me, that he wants me. But he didn't. And I don't think he ever will.
--There was really nothing to it, I just went and cut right through it--
So many chances, so many missed opportunities. But I wasn't the only one who missed them.
--I said I'm gonna let him fly, oh yeah--
He's as trapped by my being here as I am. I have to go, and I have to let him go.
--There's no mercy in a live wire, no rest at all in freedom--
I don't know why I thought this would work to begin with. I needed to get out, to be free from the scrutiny of the guild, but I still needed to be able to express myself through my body, through the passion and the pleasure that I can show to people who need more of it in their lives.
--Of the choices we are given it's no choice at all--
I could no sooner stop showing love for a living than stop breathing with my lungs or thinking with my mind. Sure, there were choices in the beginning, and there are choices now. But the truth is that this is who I am. And he will never accept that.
--The proof is in the fire, you touch before it moves away --
And yet, I could see myself giving up who I am for him. Giving myself to him. And that terrifies me. I only let myself kiss him the one time. He still doesn't know. That was when I started to realize that I might not be as safe on Serenity as I had thought.
--But you must always know how long to stay and when to go--
And then months later, that morning at Nandi's, I barely held it together; he would never understand why that hurt me. I am glad he didn't see. I lend my clients a piece of myself in our time together. I just show them love. I know how to separate who I am underneath – I never give them anything. He doesn't do that. He doesn't see the difference between sexuality and intimacy; he gives himself away. He gave himself to Nandi completely. He made love to her. Gave her love. That took my breath away. Broke my heart. I knew then that I had stayed too long. If he doesn't find out that I gave him my love, my heart, maybe I can get it back by leaving.
--And there ain't no talkin to this man--
She was standing there, in the empty shuttle, saying her goodbyes to the home she had kept for the past year. She immediately knew it was him knocking on the door. "Come in." "Inara. We'll be touching down on Sihnon in a few minutes. The hands on the surface commed up that they'll move your stuff over as soon as we land." He always stood so straight when he was in her shuttle, like he was afraid to let his guard down in here. Not my shuttle anymore. "This place looks bigger now. We'll probably never get that incense smell out, though. I should dock your security deposit." They both laughed more loudly than was warranted for the forced joke.
--He's been tryin to tell me so--
"Well, I think I'm leaving the shuttle in much better condition than it was in when I got here. I've quite a lot of change to adapt to in a short time. I am glad that I have maintained my reputation in Madrasa, but it will be. . . an adjustment leaving the field."
--It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go--
"Kaylee said they offered you a position of honor. Does that mean that you won't be. . . engaging clients anymore?" Sometimes she hated knowing people so well. He probably thought that he had hidden the hope in his voice, that he had kept his eyes free of the desire that she saw as clearly as the sky blue irises looking back at her.
--Cause it would take an acrobat, I already tried all that--
"I'll still have my clients, Mal. I'm just going to be devoting more time to teaching than to my other responsibilities." No point in encouraging that hope. She was not just leaving the ship – she was leaving him. She had to; she had tried to balance her ties to this man and his ship with her life's work, and the truth was, she just couldn't do it anymore.
--I'm gonna let him fly, fly--
"Oh." His voice and manner were cool, poorly affected indifference. "Well, I'm sure we'll see each other. You know Kaylee won't be able to stand us staying away too long. She'll miss you the minute she realizes you're actually gone. She, Mal? Or you?
--I'm gonna let him fly, fly--
Inara smiled, keeping a much more convincing façade than Mal was able to. "Take care of yourself out there, Malcolm Reynolds. It's a big 'verse, and I know I'll be worried about you, flying around out there without me to keep you on the right track." They had been walking slowly to door, and she decided to let herself have this moment, because there was a very real chance the opportunity would never come again. She kissed him. Not a passionate kiss - not a kiss she would give a client. Not a brotherly kiss – not a kiss she would give to Book or Wash. Just her. Her lips on his. Her breath in his lungs and his in hers. She felt his body tense, felt him resist kissing her back. As she pulled away, she saw him swallow thickly and wink tears away. She knew she was doing the same. "Goodbye, Mal." She closed the door behind her, knowing him well enough to allow him a few moments alone, and climbed down the stairs to leave serenity.
--Oh, I'm gonna let him fly--
Author's Note: I was a little hesitant to post this after learning about all of the copyright controversy about songfics, but you can get these lyrics anywhere on the internet. The song is "Let Him Fly," written and performed by Patty Griffin (the song has since been covered by both the Dixie Chicks and Jessica Simpson). Even just listening to the song while you read it might help you feel the emotion that I think pervades the entire relationship between Mal and Inara.