Taking Over Me
(One-shot, Raven/Robin. I DO NOT own TT or Evanesence's 'Taking Over Me')
You don't remember me,
But I remember you.
I lie awake and try so hard,
Not to think of you.
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do…
It's one of those things. You can't help it. It's late, but sleep won't come to you. It's night time, and everything and everyone closes their eyes on their troubles and sorrows and slowly, slowly they sleep.
But I can't. I'm not everyone else. I'm Raven Roth, and this Tower gets colder and darker at night. The colors seem to go out of the world, and instead I'm here, without any of them, lost in the colorless confines of a dark, self-made room. Half hell, half heaven, but always secluded, and I'm always alone.
The truth is, I doubt he even remembers my face. After all, he won't look me straight in the eyes, and when he does speak to me, it's through Starfire. "Tell Raven she needs to get her butt down here and cover the team." That or, "Tell that… That girl to come out of her room. We have a situation."
Always. It's always like that. No matter what I do or what I say to him, he still seems to think that for some reason, I'm not worth his time or effort. He seems to think that I'm barely here at all. And so I lay here, night after night, thinking about him. I don't know what I did wrong… I don't even know if I've ever done anything to him.
He seems to think that just because I told him, just that one time, that I wasn't sure about dreams, or about the future, when I couldn't even let go of my past.
Against my will my eyes close, even after all the vows not to think of Robin, sleeping just a few doors down from me and yet so far out of reach…
And yet, I dream.
They stood on that rooftop together, shoulder to shoulder, staring out across the lake that had surrounded their home as long as either of them could remember. Normally, they would have been overlooking much of the city… And yet tonight, the world decided to surround the pair of them in clouds and leave them in a silent haze neither wanted to be the first to try to break out of.
"Raven…"
"Yes, Robin?" Now that he had spoken, she wanted to acknowledge him at least somewhat, but no words would come out and so she snaked her hand through his and neither said anything for several minutes.
"Do you feel like maybe someday… When this is over… That's not to say I don't have faith in this team, or in us, but... It really will all be over someday. And I was wondering, well... Then, what... Well...What do you plan to do?"
Silently, Raven looked over at him, but she didn't say anything for a long moment in time, just letting the emotions that were trying to call a million different answers clammer away as they fell on top of each other. "Robin... Why think about the future?"
"Why think about the future?" His fingers slipped over her wrist and held unto it fast, closing over the narrow, perfectly formed bones of her arm and drawing her close. Her violet hair hit against his illuminated pale face in what little light dared to reach out for them, and they stayed like that; eye to eye only in stature. "Aren't you the one who convinced me there'd be a future once you were free?"
"Maybe I didn't know what I was talking about." She turned her head away from him.
"Raven, don't say things like that. Don't ever say things like that to me." Robin's voice was still soft, but it was angry, and she could tell that the words were affecting him greatly. "You were the one who told me that I should always hope for a future."
She hugged him against her but didn't speak. "Maybe I was wrong."
He pushed her away. "If you're so wrong... Then maybe everything was a mistake?" And his shoulders turned to square with his head, which was turned away in an expression filled with shame and disgust, to leave her staring at his retreating back.
She did her best to keep her emotions under wraps as she watched him walk away, although she found one of her hands reaching out to touch his shoulder, but he was out of reach.
That was the moment when the distance would overclaim her life- A distance of a few feet that left the hearts miles apart. One tear would become her symbol of hopelessness, because that tear was enough to release her most powerful emotion- Hatred for her own mistakes.
I believe in you.
I'd give up everything just to find you.
I have to be with you.
To live, to breath.
You've taken over me.
As my eyes flutter open, I hate myself for ever falling asleep. Every time I see it, it's less and less of a dream, and more and more of a memory. Sometimes, I dislike that memory so much, my eyes water over and I sit up, clutching my chest...
Kind of like I am now. My eyes take in my colorless, self-made prison, and everything seems to stare me down, from my books to my mirror to my headboard. It always seems to stare me down after that dream, and all with the same question in it's, excuse me for saying, looks; "How could you have been so blind? Why did you say those things?"
Does anyone really know why they ever say anything? I wish I'd had more faith, because I know now I believed in him... But now it almost seems like I don't believe.
I want so badly to believe I can just reach out and take his hand, mend all the things I said that brought this wall between us, but I cannot. It's resting there, heavy and impending, across, at times, a mere three or four feet of space.
But at the same time, those feet might as well be miles. Or decades. Time or space or both may as well seperate us, because this wall of high tensions and emotions might as well be a more effective barrier. I stand looking at him often, but he won't even meet my eye...
And all for no reason. I want to touch him, hold him against me... But I can't.
It's taking over me.
With this thought, my eyes grow heavy again. I ought to be worried about another dream, a much more violent and heavy memory, but I'm not. The worst has already come to torment me, and it has floated back to the recesses of my mind, but it won't...
Memories never strike twice in one night. This will be a dream of my own inventing.
Which may be even worse.
Have you forgotten all I know,
And all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you,
And touched my hand.
I knew you loved me then.
The truth is that I cannot sleep now, though, and soon end up swinging my legs over the edge of my bed to walk along the narrow floor from me. My footsteps are in vain matching with the ones that I hear... Three thuds, then a turn, then two thuds, then a turn, almost as if someone is walking in a circle.
I know it to be him. There's no one else alive and pacing inside our home at this hour, no one else probably restless with what they're doing, their own mistakes... No one else is probably up and trying to match the footfall of the person who hurt them.
Only me. Only I want to rebuild the relationship I had, and only I want to let myself get hurt again. I'm the only one who could be such a...
He's moving. Out into the hallway. Can we start where we began...?
Suddenly, I drop back onto my bed. I don't know if I'll be able to take this, but I know I must go back to sleep. It's better than listening to his maddening pacing...
And this time, I do dream, his steps still filling my ears.
"Why do you sit there like that?" Robin's voice filled her ears. He had no idea where they were, but there was Raven, and suddenly the anger that had filled his throat was gone, and he was able to utter the words. "Why don't you ever try to talk to me?"
"How can I talk to you when you're so angry at me for being a complete failure?"
"I never said that about you." He tried to reach through the impending darkness that hid their location, but she jerked her arm away. Why am I being like this...? Still, she found that she was angry too; He couldn't just come in and demand things of her like this after so much time.
What she wasn't expecting was what came next- His hand touched hers lightly, startling her because, for some reason, she had thought that he couldn't touch her, or perhaps had really been hoping he wouldn't touch her. This will completely break my defenses..."Raven, please, I didn't say that about you, nor would I have wanted to. I just... I'm sorry."
"Robin, I..."
"I know you still love me."
"I... I do..."
"So let's not mourn this relationship anymore, all right?" And he cupped his hand under her chin, bringing her closer to him. "Let's not let anything else get away from us... Let's not let anything else take over..."
And then my eyes flutter open as they so often do, and I sigh to myself. Why must they, when I could dream of sweet bliss rather than relive a painful and empty memory?
I believe in you.
I'd give up everything just to find you.
I have to be with you,
To live, to breath,
You've taken over me.
Raven was standing up. Not just standing, but looking all around, arms stretched out beside her, head turned to one side as she heard the steps walking past her door. A thought came to her; Crazy and far-fetched, but a thought none the less, and she ran out the door after him, keeping all of four paces behind him and perfectly in step as he made his way toward a door.
A door clearly labeled 'Roof.'
She opened the door and stepped out into a cold, crisp, and clear night. The wind brushed her hair, and she looked from one side to the other, but it was all exactly as she remembered it in her dreams.
I have to put it back together right here, where I let it fall apart.
"Ro...Robin?"
I look in the mirror and see your face.
If I look deep enough.
So many things inside the dark
Just like you are taking over.
I believe in you.
I'll give up everything just to find you.
I have to be with you.
To live, to breath,
You've taken over me.
He wheeled around and his shock was almost feelable in the air. "It's you," he said finally. "What do you want... Not like you have any belief in the future or in me anyway."
"I never meant to sound like that," she said, although the words came out a little more weakly than intended, and her step forward wasn't as strikingly bold as she'd intented either. She staggered and ended up leaning heavily on him, both of them looking down into a puddle where she had almost landed. "I just.. I just wanted you to know I wasn't thinking like that."
"But why?"
"I... I guess I just never wanted to believe I was finally really out of the dark. I never wanted to believe that someone found me."
Both of them didn't speak; They were too busy studying their reflection in the water. Raven found it to be just like something out of one of her secondary dreams- Their faces almost seemed to morph, and she felt like, for a moment, she was being taken over in appearence.
That is, appearance as well as mind. She already knew he had taken over every other aspect of her being- After all, was that not why she stood on this rooftop, leaning against him and studying herself in the puddle?
"Robin... You and I... Please, I'm begging you not to be angry at me anymore."
"Raven... I was never angry. I just... I couldn't bring myself to talk. How do you react when someone almost sounds... Like they don't want a future to come? I mean, I just wanted to talk to you about maybe dreaming how we'd be together someday..."
"Robin, you've taken over my life. Keeping you outside, not talking... It's not an opinion. Okay? It's just not an option anymore." And she held fast to his arm. "All I'm asking is that you not let me go, and I promise, one of these days, our future... Will be one worth having gone through this for."
And he smiled. "I believe that, Raven. I really believe that." And his lips found hers as the sun rose over the pair of them.
I believe in you too, Robin.
I just had to learn to believe in myself first. Thank you for being here for me...
One of his hands found her hair and stroked gently. "You've taken over me, you know that?" He said finally.
"You've taken over me too."
END
2/22/06