Chapter 1: Spring Thaw
Authors note:
The story begins just after the conclusion of the fight against the 17th Angel Kaworu. This story assumes that Kaworus sacrifice at the end of that battle allowed for the decision regarding Third Impact to be completely decided by Shinji, namely his self-analysis in the 24th and 25th episode of the TV series, which represents his interaction with the processes surrounding third impact. Also during this stage it is assumed that Shinji has some sort of visions of a possible future outcome, namely the Evangelion movies. Naturally his decisions made during this process brought about the halt to Third Impact, and so now we begin.
Don't forget to check out the cover and chapter fan-art at Deviantart under the artist name bizmarck.
1.1 Good morning
It all started at the end it seemed. The final battle against Evangelion unit 02 and the confrontation with the 17th Angel 'Kaworu' was clear in his mind, regardless of the massive emotional imbalances of the time.
At the end of that battle however, after the final action of clenching his Evas fist, thus ending Kaworus life, something had snapped in Shinjis mind. Overwhelmed by the continual attack on his emotional self, and the demands this placed on his being, his soul, he had seemingly lost his mind.
He would remembered that "out of body" experience, as he had thought of it at the time, for the rest of his life. Those places. That environment; the environments where he had seemingly been under a guiding influence of an outside consciousness, or beings. A place where, a never-ending cycle of self-analysis and perception was the normal state of being. A place that contained lessons about the contact between different individuals, different souls. An intimidating place, but one he had felt immensely privileged to visit, to experience. And the outcome of this visit, most important of all, his final "self realisation" as a true individual, the power of his self control, his perception, his emotions, his choices……..
And so he chose, a seemingly simple thought, but one whose importance for all mankind would be pivotal. Though he would never fully appreciate it.
Thus he, Shinji Ikari, awoke…
Slowly at first, his eyes growing accustomed to the light. He found himself staring up at a ceiling, a ceiling he had seen numerous times before. He lay there, looking at it, listening to the repetitive droning of the ventilation ducts. After some time his mind finally started to again formulate thought, and his eyes began to recognise the environment, slowly he began to speak.
"I hate thi….." he paused mid sentence, considering the words he had just spoken, his un-focused eyes staring at the familiar hospital ceiling a while longer, the air-conditioning humming.
"I ha……" again he stoped. The air-conditioner droned on as the young boy simply continued to stare at the ceiling. Eyes finally focusing Shinji turned his head slowly to look around the room, slowly, one after the other, he tried to move his limbs, stretching one limb after the other, though not moving from his position. Finally he took in a deep breath, holding it for a second before exhaling.
"Well….." he said finally "Here I am again."
The words were spoken in a quiet voice, and a weak smile crept across his face, a fine start indeed.
The situation he found himself in seemed as strange to him as the recently acquired incite into his own mind. Leaving the hospital bed, Shinji found that NERV was in somewhat a state of disarray. Most people Shinji encountered appeared to be somewhat preoccupied and not their usual professional selves. Misato was thankfully somewhat predictable and swept Shinji into a crushing bear hug upon laying eyes on him, which for once, Shinji did not seem to object to. This mildly surprised Misato, especially considering it was in front of Commander Ikari and Sub Commander Fuyuzuki, and Shinji noted, doctor Ritsuko.
"Its good to see you Misato" Shinji said to his guardian. Looking around he was given a weak smile from Ritsuko and a short nod from Fuyuzuki.
"Its good to see you well Shinji" stated Commander Ikari in his usual monotone voice. The content of the comment momentarily startled Shinji; compassion?
Recovering quickly, Shinji simply said, "Thank you Commander. I am glad to see that everyone is well" he stated calmly and clearly. "I am sure that you would like a debriefing as soon as possible, I am also very eager to find out about the condition of pilots Ayanami and Langley"
His professional tone caused all concerned to give him an intrigued look, even his father raised an eyebrow.
"Naturally, we will convene in my office immediately." said Commander Ikari, turning. All followed him into his office.
The de-brief went relatively quickly, Shinji describing completely his combat with unit 02 and the final confrontation with the 17th Angel Kaworu, including the final request of the Angel to be destroyed by Shinji. He also elaborated about the appearance of Rei towards the end of the combat, indicating that he had experienced strange visions and dreams after his loss of consciousness, but did not allude to the content. Ritsuko interjected to inform Shinji of the loss of communication during the battle but stated nothing ells. After he had finished, it was Shinji's turn to ask questions.
"Where are Rei and Asuka? Are they ok?" he asked.
"Commander Katsuragi will inform you of all that she can" interjected Gendo. "As you may appreciate I must make use of this information immediately."
Shinji noted the second part of his fathers sentence, something hes father would not usually find necessary to add.
"Certainly Commander" said Shinji standing up "Doctor, Commander" he said nodding at the two people flanking the Commander. Gendo watched his son for a second then turned to talk to Fuyuzuki. Misato gave Ritsuko a confused, sympathetic smile and turned to follow Shinji out of the room.
"Sh….Shinji? Are you feeling ok?" asked Misato back in the foyer.
"Yes, why do you ask?" Shinji replied calmly.
"Its just that… I've never seen you so calm around the Commander. You seem… different"
"You do not like how I handled myself?" asked Shinji, face still deadpan.
"No not at all, I think… you just tell me if anything's wrong ok. You gave us, a bit of a scare when you were out this time"
"This time?" asked Shinji with a smile.
"Well as much as you usually do when you're unconscious" she simply replied, smiling back.
Walking for a while they entered the cafeteria. Shinji turned to face Misato "You still haven't told me how Asuka or Rei are doing"
Without answering Misato led him to the food table, they loaded up their trays and headed for the window seat.
Sitting down, Misato explained how Rei had disappeared after the incident and that commander Ikari had found her a few hours later in the lower sections of Terminal Dogma. Shinji asked if she actually believed that. Misato, shocked, asked why, to which Shinji stated that his previous conversations with Kaji had lead him to believe that NERV and his father may not always be as truthful about there actions and motivations. Misato gave a nervous look around at this frank outburst and quietly told Shinji to leave it for now. A little more ill at ease, she continued to say that at about the same time as the combat there had apparently been a mysterious mass blackout amongst a large number of staff at NERVE and even some civilians in Tokyo 3. Many of these people remembered having strange dreams during these blackouts. The few people who had remained conscious had reported seeing what they describe as an energy wave at the start of the black out phase, which seemed to make sense, as all electronic equipment had been disabled during that short time, even the Magi. Noting that Misato had trailed off the subject Shinji asked again about Asuka.
"Oh, I'm afraid there has been no upgrade in her condition Shinji, she's still in the hospital and not responding to any outside stimulus"
Shinji was obviously disappointed though he did not really know why. Noting Misatos concern in his own, now downtrodden expression, Shinji changed the subject for her.
"So what did you dream about Misato?" he asked, slightly more cheerfully.
Misato expression turned serious, she was about to respond when her name could be heard being called over the speaker. Misato cursed under her breath. Stating it was better that they talk later anyway, she made her apologies and began to leave.
"Where is Rei now?" Shinji called after her.
"I don't know, we'll talk tonight!" she called back as she ran out of the room.
After eating a small meal, Shinji began to walk the corridors. Eventually finding himself in the hospital wing, he searched out Asukas room he opened the door. There she was, lying on the only bed in the room. Her vacant eyes staring at the ceiling. He walked over to her, looking down at her blank expression. Observing her; he suddenly remembered a part of the vision, he shook his head in disgust, "could I really have done that?" he asked himself. He looked at his hands, then down at her, remembering the feelings of that vision, tears formed in his eyes.
"I really never did understand you did I."
He gently stroked her cheek and sighed. "I never even understood myself."
He looked down at her sadly.
"Good luck, Asuka" he said finally, and with that he turned to leave. Before he could reach the door however someone opened it from the other side, startling him.
"Rei?"
She, for her part, did not appear startled at all, and was about to speak when Shinji did something rather unexpected, he gave her a hug. Eyes open in mild shock, she reacted stiffly, not moving a muscle her cheeks turning a light shade of red. Letting go and taking a step back Shinji noticing her reaction, he turned slightly red himself, despite his best efforts not to.
"Sorry, I'm just glad to see your ok" he said sheepishly, though maintaining eye contact.
She stared at him blankly, the colour from her cheeks slowly fading, returning her to her usual in-descript expression.
"I have come to check on Pilot Soryu's condition" she said, deadpan, almost as if the past event did not occur.
"That's nice of you" Shinji said with a smile. " I hope you also occasionally checked on my condition" he stated, more to see her reaction then anything.
"I have just come from your room" she said softly, moving past him to go to Asuka. No reaction. oh well, he thought to himself. Shinji went back to Asuka's bed were Rei was standing.
"Do you believe she will be ok?" he asked after a while.
"I am not shore…. She is very troubled" Rei said simply.
They stood there for a while in silence.
"Listen Rei, let's go for a walk through the geo-front" said Shinji suddenly. He froze, not really recognising his own voice. 'Why did I just ask that?' he thought to himself. It then hit him, he hadn't considered himself in that statement, or not really. Since he had woken up, even after his interaction with his father, even after the sadness he had felt for Asuka, he had felt no self-pity. Granted he had felt emotions but they did not bring with them the other memories of sadness 'for himself'. He did not let them, the new realisation that this self-sadness did not help him, or anyone else, was enough to keep these thoughts away, allowing him to focus more on the people around him, on their feelings and desires. So he stood, still looking at Rei, who had turned to face him.
"We can talk here" she said.
Grabbing hold of his thoughts he searched his emotions, refusing any negative memories to surface in his mind he was simply left with a feeling, and what he was doing, felt right.
"Will you go if I ask you to?" he asked carefully.
To which she simply replied "Yes."
As always within the geo-front, it was a lovely day. Shinji saw that the hole left in the Main NERV building by the battle against the 14th angel had almost been repaired.
Talking to Rei, Shinji was able to find out, despite Reis notoriously short answers, that Toji had been moved to a hospital in Tokyo 3 so as to be closer to his family. Toji was recovering well, apparently reinvigorated by the upturn in his sisters condition and her return home, both pieces of news putting Shinji in an excellent mood. He also managed to find out about Hikari and Kensuke, both had tried to visit Shinji and Asuka but were unable to.
They continued through the woods, again in silence, though for once Shinji did not mind, he smiled as they walked. They finally arrived at their destination, a melon patch in a little clearing. The garden had grown a little wild since Shinji had last seen it, and the melons were looking a little wilted without constant watering, but they appeared salvageable.
"What is this place?" asked Rei.
"This used to be Kaji's" answered Shinji. "He asked me to look after it for him just before he disappeared" he said in a slightly downtrodden voice. Again the negative thoughts began to creep into his mind, but they were quickly dispelled, it seemed to be easier to disband them each time he did it. His mood quickly improving, he walked over to collect the watering can.
"Why would Mr Kaji have such a garden, we are provided with enough food?" asked Rei, watching Shinji.
"It gave him a place to think I believe, whatever the reason he really did enjoy it here" Shinji said, beginning to fill the can from a tap nearby. "And I will try my best to look after it because, well he was a friend, some-one I cared for". Shinji said while walking back from the tap. He stopped, that didn't sound like him, being so honest about his feelings? Why was he saying these things? Was this really him? He searched his mind, he had always cared for others and wanted to help, though why hadn't he. He analysed his memory, the fear/uncertainty he used to feel the preoccupation with his own problems, a sense of helplessness. 'Hmph', he thought to himself, so this was him, the real him, just without the baggage.
A new determined expression formed on his face and he began to water some of the more wilted melons. Stopping he turned to find Rei standing there, hands together, looking at him.
"Things that are important to you, or others, don't always make sense, they don't have to" he said, starting to water some more melons.
"Like you visiting me or Asuka in the hospital" he continued, letting the words sit.
After a short while Rei answered; "You are my fellow pilots, your condition is important for everyone"
Shinji stoped watering "Our condition could have easily been found out from the base computers, it did not require you to visit."
Again a pause, sensing no reply he turned to face her again.
"Would you like to help me look after Kajis garden Rei?" he asked moving towards her. Sensing doubt (impressive considering her always blank expression) he touched her hands with his free one. "I would like that"
Her eyes widened slightly and her mouth opened a little. She stared at him for a few seconds, to which he did not flinch at all, nor turn red, a proud moment.
"If you wish" she said finally, not exactly the reaction Shinji was hoping for, but it was a start. He turned to start watering again.
"I do not know how to look after a garden." she said, looking around.
"Good, that makes two of us." said Shinji smiling "we will learn together."
With that he handed her the watering can.
They continued to water the garden and remove some of the larger weeds that had grown there, eventually forming a small neat pile of them to one side. The sun was setting and they left the garden for the night, walking back to NERV HQ. They took the train to the surface together, discussing briefly the current training and testing program that Misato and Ritsuko had prepared for them, and to Shinji's delight gardening as well. Rei stated that she would find a book on the matter at school tomorrow.
They parted at the train station, as Shinji wanted to get back to Misato. Shinji told Rei that he had enjoyed the day with her and wished her a good night, to which she simply replied.
"Good night Ikari-san" and walked off.
Shinji walked back home smiling, though thinking about his upcoming conversation with Misato brought him back into a serious mood. It struck him that he had not asked Rei about her presence at the combat at all, or indeed about her disappearance afterwards, but then again considering how well the day went he thought perhaps it was better he had not… maybe later.
Entering Misatos apartment Shinji found that going through the door felt somewhat ominous, PenPen was not there, and the place was very still. In-fact all of Tokyo 3 was still very empty after the last battle, it had remained strangely silent. Shinji walked to his room and looked inside, still the same old room, little to no decorations, simple furniture, neat, home. He walked over to Asuka's room, now that she was not there, there was no harm in a little peak. He glanced inside, noticing mostly an ungodly mess. He considered going inside but thought better of it, returning to the kitchen instead. After cleaning a little he glanced into the fridge, Misato usual fair adorned the shelves, beer and instant Ramen. Opening his wallet he found his NERV cash card, making a decision he left a note on the table and left.
Returning an hour later he found that Misato was still not home. In silence he prepared dinner and cleaned up the living area as best he could, when not attending to the food. After placing the food on simmer he went to his room to change into shorts and a T-shirt. The continual silence was starting to annoy him, and his eyes drifted down to his Walkman lying on his bed.
It was funny that the music he enjoyed so much was tied to so many unhappy memories, he thought 'maybe the silence wasn't so bad…?'
He started to walk back towards the door and stoped. Why should the past have control of the things he enjoyed? He turned and stared at the STAD player, silence returned, silence, he was alone; 'Well then' Shinji thought to himself.
Misatos car screeched to a halt in her spot outside the apartment complex. She sat there for a while, once more she was rather worried about talking to Shinji, more so then even Gendo, it was not a good feeling. She turned the car off and got out, immediately hearing muffled, but loud, jazz music coming from her apartment building.
"Now who was that?" Misato said to herself. She thought she was the last, poor Shinji having to come home to that! She was going to tell whoever it was off for this. With a scowl on her face she headed for the elevator. The scowl quickly left her however, and was replaced by a blank look as she neared the source of the music, her own apartment? Slightly bemused she opened the door. Her mouth dropped at the sight that befell her, there was Shinji, dancing around the room, a broom in hand, he was very animatedly sweeping the floor. She stood there for a while watching him, the current song finally came to an end and Shinji finished up with a twirl and a bow. Finished, he raised his head to see Misato. Shocked, Shinji instantly turned an amazingly deep shade of red and stumbled backwards, promptly falling over a chair.
'Well at least there's still a little bit of the old Shinji in him' thought Misato, recovering a little. Shinji, rubbing his head, getting up, a giant sweat drop having formed.
"He he" he said. Shinji stumbled over to the stereo to turn down the music.
"…. ah hey Misato I was just cleaning up a bit, I didn't hear you come in" he said, the red was starting to leave his face, being replaced by a shy smile. Looking around she noticed how clean the apartment was.
"Oh thank you Shinji" she said suddenly smiling. Shinji, glad for the change in topic, recovered from his embarrassment, placing the broom against the wall he said.
"Come on through, I kept dinner warm for you, but its been sitting awhile"
He moved into the kitchen
"Ok" said Misato following, if a little cautiously.
"Shinji started to serve the food while Misato took a seat, looking down she noticed a bear next to her plate.
"Go ahead." said Shinji noticing her look " I'm sure you've had a difficult day. But can you keep it down to three or four?" he said with a smile.
Shinji served the food, after a while he sat down. Picking up his chopsticks he noticed Misatos inactivity. He turned to look up at her.
"Are… are you O.K Shinji?" asked Misato finally.
" Um… yes why do you ask?"
"Its just that… well I'm always worried after you fight an Angels and become….. well unconscious, but this time … I mean … well" she shifted uncomfortably in her chair " Well you were so down before the last Angel and then.. well you met Kaworu" she waited for a reaction from Shinji, non forthcoming she continued "and it seemed that you picked up a bit, and then well… having to kill him" she stopped again, watching him "And then when you finally did wake up your were so calm, almost happy, well not that I mind… but it has come as quite a shock, not only for me but for all… Its just that with such a massive change… well I'm just a little worried"
She looked at him thoughtfully.
"You said earlier that there was a massive blackouts amongst NERVE personnel at the same-time that I was in combat." Shinji said pleasantly. "And that these people had dreams"
"Yes, we think so, but we could not see you for a long time" said Misato.
"Where you out as well?"
"Yes, for a while I'm told"
"What did you see?" asked Shinji. Misato hesitated for a second, breaking eye contact, she took a bite to eat before answering.
"Well, like many other people reported, my dream wasn't really clear." she said after a while "But it was like I was awake, there were a lot of people in it, including you." she looked at him, a little bit of tension in her expression. "I can't remember that much but it was an interesting experience in many ways, I can't really explain it" she finished.
"Well mine was the same." replied Shinji. "Except I can remember most of mine" he looked at his food "it was very… personal" he looked up just in time to see the edge of her mouth twitch, continuing he said. " But what happened to me was that I had to make a choice, but before I could choose I had to understand my choices…"
Interested Misato interrupted "In what way?"
"Well" he continued "As you have probably noticed, mentally I've been in a 'bad place' for a while now… angry, confused and alone" his voice trailed off a little and Misato moved forward to place her hand over his, a sad expression forming on her face.
"It was not your fault, it was mine" said Shinji, reassuringly. "But until the dream, I could not see that, and once I did, I made a choice…… I chose to comeback."
He looked back at her.
"So.. You see its still me….." continued Shinji. "Just a me that can see a little more clearly……"
He gave her a weak smile. She looked at him for a second, considering his words, then moving so quickly that her stool cluttered to the floor, she grabbed the sitting boy, enveloping him into another bear-hug. He struggled slightly to stop from suffocating in her bosom. Releasing him she looked down into Shinjis obviously blushing face. Raising her finger and bending over in that shamelessly Misato pose she said cheerfully
"Well at least now I know its you!"
Sitting back down she giving him a wink.
"And I can get back to some serious unwinding!" she said, cracking open the beer-can and downing a huge swig. "OOOOWWIEEE! AHHH! That's better!" she said slamming it down.
Shinji just looked at her and laughed. 'So much for a serious discussion.'
The rest of the dinner went smoothly, Shinji found out a little more about Tojis condition and Misato informed Shinji that Ritsuko had returned and had speculated that the energy source, which had caused the momentary blackout, had been caused by the battle. She didn't give any further information about were Ritsuko had been. They both continued the up-beat mood through dinner, afterwards both cleaning up, eventually they ended up out on the veranda enjoying the warm evening. At which point Shinji's mood suddenly turned more serious.
"Are you aware that Rei is at least part Angel?" asked Shinji suddenly, looking out at the city.
Misato did not move, but her expression hardened, eventually she said.
"I suspected as much, when I was told about the appearance of the 3rd AT field during your battle……. but no, I was not told"
"It makes you wonder about a lot of things we may not have been told" said Shinji.
"It's not good to think like that Shinji, I can't even talk to Ritsuko any more, she is always with someone….. And that kind of thinking has cost Kaji……….. his life" she completed quietly. Shinji gave her a heartfelt look, then returned his gaze to the city.
"There is something, I didn't tell you about my dreams………… there were visions as well, this is not over….. NERV will be attacked, and if we do nothing, we are all going to die"
She looked across at him, but his expression, nor his position, had changed.
"With all the things that have been happening lately that actually doesn't sound crazy…….." she said after a while, her tone soft and thoughtful. "But in the end there is nothing we can do, there is simply two much we do not know, the lies are too twisted into themselves, I don't think I could recognise the truth even if I saw it." she said helplessly.
"I know…. That's the problem" replied Shinji.
"We can not influence the outcome any more, at least not in a way we could except" he added remembering some of his vision, shuddering. Misato watched him.
"There is only one person who can at this point" he continued, turning to face her "My father…" he said.
Her expression hardened but her eyes remained soft.
"He can not be approach, you know that better then most." she said in an even tone.
Shinjis eyes dropped as some of the painful memories returned despite his best efforts. Misato continued "There was a time just after the battle however, when he seemed different, disorientated, unsure, it was the first time that I have ever seen him like that, though soon his old steely self returned."
Shinji recovered his thoughts "I suspected that may have been the case, and that's why I think we can do something" he said, a new determined expression forming on his face. Misato noted that it reminded her somewhat of Gendo, not a particular pleasant thought.
"What did you have in mind?" she asked, a little unsure.
"It's only an idea at the moment, though when the time comes I am probably going to need your help."
He searched her expression, waiting for a reaction.
"I have little to believe in any more……." she said, her expression downcast "At times like these all you have are the people you care for" she looked at him "Yes Shinji I will help, whatever you think you need."
She smiled. Shinji was a little surprised at Misato statement, offering help even before he explained his plan. 'She'll probably change her mind once she hears it' he thought to himself.
"It does not bother you that Rei is part Angel?" asked Misato, returning her gaze to the city. Shinji, his mind back in the present, looked back out onto the city.
"Well, back when I did not know for sure what she was it used to bother me… a lot. Now that I'm even less sure, it doesn't bother me at all" he said. Misato gave Shinji a confused look.
"Well whatever used to scare me about her before, well……… was put on hold, as I wasn't sure if that's what she was any more, or at lest what I thought she was"
Shinji shook his head, as if to get rid of a headache "It all became to confusing, nothing made sense, even the old way I used to looked at her, so I gave up…………. Now I just think of her from the things I have seen, regardless of what she is" Shinji said looking back up. "And you know, that's not scary at all" he said.
Misato gave Shinji a thoughtful look.
There was a pause and Misato stretched animatedly. "Well I'm glad, but this is all just a little toooo serious…" she said in a more animated voice "I'm off to have a soothing bath"
Though she was not quite as happy go lucky as Shinji knew she could be. She gave Shinji a wink and walked back inside.
"Goodnight Misato" said Shinji as he returned to look at the city skyline.
Shinji did not dream that night but slept quietly in his bed.
The next morning was a return to normal for both of them, with the usual breakfast routine taking place, both cheerfully enjoying it. Misato talked about how she was considering bringing PenPen back, which Shinji agreed, would be a great idea. Shinji indicated that he was going to go back to school today, which only mildly surprised Misato, she offered him a lift but he said he would rather walk and enjoy the warm weather. After breakfast she quickly reminded him of the tests Ritsuko had organised for him that evening and left with a cheerful goodbye.
Shinji was a little apprehensive about school, a little unsure of what to expect. He still had not talked to Toji since the incident. His fears were unfounded however as he got a rousing reception from Kensuka. Happy to see him Kensuka bombarded him with questions as usual, though Shinji was able to get in a few of his own and found out that Toji was recovering well. Kensuka said that he should come to visit tonight, but Shinji said he was unable too, perhaps tomorrow. Shinji asked if Toji was angry with him, to which Kensuka replied that Toji was told that it was the dummy system that had taken him out, and so he had no grudge against Shinji.
"Of corse not stupid, it wasn't your fault!" said Kensuka, dismissing the idea "Wow Toji inside the 13th angel… who would have thought it!" he said excitedly. This dispelled most of Shinjis fears regarding Toji. It was good to get back to the old pace, though after a while Shinji noticed that Hikari had not come to greet him. Finally able to excuse himself from Kensuka, Shinji made his way over to Hikari. She appeared a little uncertain towards him in a shy, worried way. But Shinji tried his best to be up beat, giving her a broad smile.
"Hello Hikari, nice to see you again" said Shinji.
"Oh. Hello Shinji, its good to see you well" Hikari replied smiling weakly.
"I'm surprised you didn't come over" Shinji said a little uncertainly.
"Well its just…………. it IS good to see you!" she said again reassuringly, though almost immediately she returned to her worried expression. "Its just I'm still worried about Asuka……. I haven't been able to find anything out for so long….. I just didn't want to darken the mood so quickly" she looked down. "I mean so many bad things have happened."
"Its O.K" said Shinji sitting down next to her. "I'm afraid that Asuka is still in a coma of some kind" Her frown deepened upon hearing this.
"Though they think she has a good chance of coming out of it." he added. She lifted her head to look at him.
"She is a fighter after all." he said smiling. She gave him a weak smile. Just then Rei entered the room, immediately followed by the teacher. Duty taking over, the class rep made her usual announcement (for the benefit of the, still, few students), Shinji returned to his desk.
The rest of the school day past quickly, with Rei being her usual vacant self and the teacher giving his usual speech on second impact.
After saying goodbye to Kensuka and Hikari, who were off to see Toji, Shinji headed off to NERVE. Making his way out of the main school gate he was a little surprised to find Rei, waiting for him. After greeting each other the two walked together. Walking in silence Shinji was given an even bigger surprise, a conversation actually started by Rei! She had been to the library to find a book on gardening, and had borrowed three. Their conversation actually lasted until the got to NERVE were they briefly broke up to change into there plug suits. The tests were performed quickly, with Shinji easily surpassing his best synch ratios, Rei naturally held on to her steady values. There was minimal interaction between the pilots and anyone else. Though Shinji noticed that Dr Ritsuko appeared to be constantly on edge. They finished up and Shinji and Rei left to tend to Kajis garden, spending an hour weeding and watering. The time went quickly, as there was still some work to do on the garden, and before Shinji new it was time to go home. Saying goodbye to Rei Shinji left for home. The day ended calmly with Shinji and Misato sharing a nice meal, both not wishing to start any deep conversations, the mood was light and relaxed.
The next day there were no requirements to go to NERVE. So Shinji was able to visit Toji after School, still very nervous about seeing Toji again, he required a friendly prod from Hikari to first enter the room. Nervously he laid eyes on Toji, who was sitting on his bed reading a book, Shinjis eyes moved from Tojis face to where his left leg used to be, and still was? Or at least something that resembled his leg. He looked back up at Tojis face, which had now changed into a deep scold. Toji crossed his arms, and in a hostile voice he barked;
"So here is the person who calls himself my friend!"
Shinji, his worst fears realised, looked decidedly uncomfortable and started to back away when he heard someone sniggering. Turning, Shinji could see Kensuka suppressing a laugh at the door. Turning further to Hikari Shinji found her with arms crossed and an unimpressed expression on her face.
"Sorry Shinji" Hikari said. "But I couldn't convince these two not to do it, and they made me promise to play along" she said apologetically. Shinji, confused, returned his gaze to Toji, who was now wearing a broad smiling, and also standing?
"Toji!" said Shinji shocked.
"Just kidding, it's good to see your O.K." said Toji cheerfully. And before he could react Shinji was in a head lock, receiving a knuckle rub on his head from Toji. Finally breaking the grip, Shinji rubbed his sore head, smiling.
"I'm sorry for what happened to you Toji, I still haven't said that" said Shinji apologetically.
"Its O.K" replied Toji. "It wasn't your fault, Katsuragi told me that you didn't put up a fight, you were willing to die instead of attack the angel" Toji smiled at him. "That meant a lot, man."
"Ya well… maybe if I'd remained in control….. and attacked" said Shinji lowering his eyes "I would have been able to get you out better then that damn dummy plug system did" he finished, a little subdued.
"Well we can't change the past…"
reflected Toji in a determined voice, though trailing off a bit.
"And hey, I'm alive!" he said cheering up. "And my
sisters now visits me in hospital!" he said laughing.
Relieved at his friend's positive outlook Shinji finally relaxed. They continued catching up, with Toji talking about his recovery program.
In the middle of Tojis explanation Kensuka interrupting to say how cool his artificial limbs were.
"Ya who would have guessed that NERV actually came through for me" Toji stated, a little quieter then the rest of the conversation.
Shinji noted that Toji glanced over at Hikari at the end of that sentence.
They continued to catch up, Hikari remained mostly quiet throughout the visit, but joined in occasionally. A considerable time later Shinji and Kensuka got ready to leave, as it was approaching dinnertime. Hikari made an excuse to stay behind, so the two boys left on their own. Slightly startled at Hikari remaining behind, Shinji asked Kensuka about it. Kensuka told him that she had visited Toji more than he had, and that there was something definitely going on between the two, but left it at that, Kensuka even restraining himself from any sly comments about the two lovebirds. Maybe Shinji wasn't the only one that had changed, he thought to himself.
When he finally left Kensuka with a short goodbye Shinji noticed the time. It was too late to go to the garden, and he felt bad for having not met up with Rei today, he should go and see how she was. Shinji still felt a little uneasy about going to Reis place, but he pushed it into the back of his mind.
"Oh come on." He said to himself, it was on his way home after all.
He arrived at her door. Pausing before he knocked, he noting the construction noises still in the background 'would they ever be finished with that?'
Focusing back on the door, he knocked loudly. After a short while Rei answered the door, as always, in her school uniform.
"Ikari?" she said
"Hey Rei…. um, I'm sorry I was not at the garden today, but my visit to Toji took much longer then I thought." he said.
"How is the 4th pilot" Rei asked blankly. Shinji, not prepared for the question, had to think about the response.
"He's going very well, he's moving around no problem now". he said still standing there. There was a slight pause.
"There is no school tomorrow, should we meet at the garden earlier?" asked Rei.
"Sure" he said smiling at the sudden enthusiasm (for Rei anyway). "Perhaps we can meet at eleven O'clock, we don't have to be at NERV HQ till five pm."
To this Rei simply nodded, and continued to look at Shinji.
"Well ok then" stated Shinji as he started to move away "I'll see you later."
About to turn around he stopped. Turning back Shinji added. "Listen Rei, would you like to join Misato and me for dinner tonight?"
Reis blank expression did not change, but Shinji looked for a reaction to his question.
"It is not necessary" she said simply.
"I know." he said, expecting the response "But you know it might be… nice…… come on" he said encouragingly. She looked blankly at him for a second then disappeared from the door. Shinji was a little worried that this represented a non favourable response, but she returned moments later, closing the door behind her. Walking up beside him she said "If you wish."
That line was starting to annoy him a bit, though she was coming, so he let it slide, together the two left for Misatos.
The evening was a subtle affair, Misato was a little surprised to see Rei but warmed to the idea quickly.
"The more the merrier" she had said simply. And there was even a forth for dinner. PenPen was back! Totally overjoyed at being back, PenPen gave Shinji and Rei an excited hug. Rei looked down in surprise but gave PenPen a pat at Misatos prompting. Misato started chatting to Rei, who just sat and listened tentatively, or gave one-word answers. Shinji brought an end to the one sided dialog, asking her to come and help in the kitchen.
Completely unsure of what to do to help, Shinji had to give her instructions, which Rei followed diligently. The cooking went quickly, and soon they were all sitting in front of a table loaded with food. During dinner Misato asked Rei what she usually ate at home, to which she replied instant noodles. Misato stated with authority that that wasn't enough for a growing girl, to which Rei replied that it was adequate, predicably. Shinji suddenly started laughing and both girls turned to look at him, looking at Misato he said that it was hypocritical of her to pick on Reis eating, as that was all she ate when Shinji did not cook. Misato gave Shinji a death glare and he quickly calmed down, looking down at his food with a sweat drop forming. Luckily PenPen distracted her by dancing around the end of the table begging for food. Without thinking about it, Rei took some food from her plate and gave it to PenPen, who promptly gobbled it up. Shinji and Misato exchanged dumbfounded looks, and then a sly grin crept across Misatos face.
"You've done it now Rei" she said "He won't leave you alone for the rest of the night now"
Rei looked at her blankly. It was true, for the rest of the night PenPen came up to Rei, who, unsure how to react, simply gave him a pat. Rei helped clean up, but soon after finishing she simply said.
"I think I should be going home now"
Misato, reacting quickly, stated she would drive her home, and insisted on it before Rei could give her standard response. Misato got up. Moving to the door Rei turned to face Shinji
"Thank you for inviting me Shinji… it was … nice"
Beaming Shinji replied "Any time Rei, I'll see you tomorrow."
Before leaving however Rei was given one last hug by PenPen, she knelt down and stroked his head a little "Goodnight PenPen" and with that she got up and left.
On the drive to Reis apartment neither Misato nor Rei spoke, though as they pulled up to Rei's apartment Misato finally said.
" I hope you know your welcome anytime Rei"
The car came to a stop.
"Thank you for the dinner, and for driving me home" said Rei opening the door. Misato leaned across to speak to the exiting Rei.
"Rei" she said. Rei stopped.
"These are difficult times, and I just want you to know that if you need anything… or someone to talk to………. I am also there for you too" Misato finished. Rei paused for a second, then said
"Thank you Commander Katsuragi" and left. Misato watched her go.
The next day found Shinji preparing some lunch for himself and Rei. This activity prompted some teasing from Misato, though after a while she disappeared, returning with a basket and blanket. She stated that if he was going to woe a girl he should do it properly, this in turn prompted a very dark look from Shinji.
He arrived at Kajis garden to find Rei working, she had done a great deal the previous day and the garden looked neat and tidy. After they did some more overturning and pruning, as recommended by one of Reis books, it was barely twelve thirty, and they were finished already. Shinji suggested a walk along the lake in the geo-front, to work up an appetite for the lunch he had brought along, as he had never been to the far side of the lake. They arrived at the edge of the lake and could see a clearing someway along the shore. Deciding to have their lunch there they made their way along the bank. The going was tougher then expected, with the terrain-becoming wild and rocky. The day had gotten very warm (the geo-front weather closely mimicking the outside conditions) and by the time they got there both were panting and sweating. Placing the basket under a lone, large oak Shinji sat down on the grass and looked at the lake longingly.
"If only we brought our bathers" he said absent mindedly.
"I do not see that as a problem" Rei said beside him, also looking at the lake. With that, she suddenly raised and started to remove her clothing. Shinji froze, suddenly remembering that day at her apartment, images danced across his mind.
"Um…." said Shinji, not knowing what to say, and running out of time, he quickly said. "Your right Rei! ….. Ah, we can swim in our undergarments! The sun will dry them out soon enough."
She was about to unfasten her bra and stoped, looking down at the cringing form of Shinji. She folded her clothes and calmly walked into the water. Relieved at having avoided a probable terminal nosebleed Shinji remembered how warm he was and promptly removed most of his clothing, slipping into the water as quickly as he could. Rei was in about waist deep and was washing herself calmly. Shinji tried to ignore his own mind and dived under the water, coming up refreshed. Rei finished by dipping under and swam over to a large log, half submerged in the water next to the shore. Reaching it she leaned on it lazily, the log being in the shade of an overhanging tree. Shinji circled for a while, clearing his thoughts. Coming to a decision he made his way over and leaned on the log next to Rei, staring out across the lake at NERV HQ with her.
They rested there for a while, as birds chirped overhead.
"You know what happened to me after the battle with Kaworu don't you" said Shinji, breaking the pleasant silence.
"No." she replied. Shinji wrinkled his brow, genuinely surprised. Thinking, he reconsidered his question.
"You know about my dreams and visions afterwards though"
"Yes" she replied. Shinji paused, contemplating the next round of questioning.
"Do You……. have any idea what my father has planed for you…. or NERV?"
"No, I do not" she said. Shinji thought that for once there appeared to be a little edge to her voice, though in which emotional direction, he was unsure.
"Rei" said Shinji, turning to face her. She was looking at him, her face was still without emotion though her eyes hinted at something, giving her a more human quality. Deciding that he had no choice but to go through with the question Shinji took a deep breath and continued.
"Are you an Angel Rei?" he finally asked, he was trying to remain steady, though his uncomfortableness was showing through, and Reis piercing stare was not helping at all! She continued to hold the stare for a short while, then her eyes wavered and she lowered her gaze.
"I……. I'm not sure, I don't think so" she said, stammering a little. Shinji, taking in these new signs of emotion as well as her lack of conviction in her thoughts, did not move. His mind raced as he thought of what to say next, he could not decide, and so he said nothing. They sat there for a while and before long Shinji saw Reis expression harden back to its old self. She suddenly pushed herself off the log and made her way to the shore. Shinji didn't knowing what to do, he stalled for a second then quickly made his way after her, catching her halfway up too their clothes. Reaching her, but still unsure how to react, he simply grabbed her arm.
"Rei……" said Shinji, she stopped. Turning she looked down at where his hand grabbed her arm, then up into his face. His expression was worried but kind.
"Are you not afraid of me?" she asked with a cold edge to her voice. Shinji quickly remembered back to how he had sometimes reacted around her, suddenly feeling ashamed. He's expression turned serious and he looked her square in the eye.
"No Rei I am not"
He released her arm to take hold of her hand, squaring up to her.
"I'm sorry for how I sometimes reacted to you before, I was just confused and not thinking clearly."
He paused for a second framing his words. "I am still not sure what the truth is, so all I can believe is what I see….. And what I see is someone I like" he stammered and blushed a little despite himself. "Someone I care for" he continued, recovering slightly "You're a good person Rei that's enough for me" he said, finishing with a weak smile. Rei looked at him blankly, her eyes softening a bit and a very small smile (For Rei a massive feat!) appeared on her face.
Shinji, suddenly noticing his close proximity to Rei as well as the fact his hands were still warped around hers, blushed. He released his grip while taking a step back.
" Ahhh.. well" he said, fidgeting a bit while looking around "We should lie down to dry off a bit before we eat…….. We shouldn't get the blanket wet." he said a little hurriedly, not looking at her again. Spotting a nice piece of soft grass nearby he quickly layed down on his back, placing his hands behind his head and closed his eyes, hard. After the seriousness of the conversation his mind had had time to notice that there was a very attractive wet young lady standing right next to of him, wearing nothing but white under-ware! His brow wrinkled in the mental effort to derail the sudden train of thought.
He heard her lying down beside him and let out a long breath, it had gone better then he thought. She had actually smiled! Something he had never expected. Then he froze, something-wet came to rest on his shoulder. Opening his eye's he looked down to see a mass of blue wet hair. Rei was lying 45 degrees to him on her side with her head resting on his shoulder and her hand resting up against his stomach. His mind went completely blank and he stopped breathing, left with nothing ells, he listened to the birds overhead and felt the rhythm of Reis soft breathing, a decidedly lovely experience.
He left it at that. Maintaining his empty mind he began breathing again calmly, enjoying the experience. Finding himself entirely too relaxed after a little time, he dozed off.
He awoke a short time later to find himself dry and alone. Looking up he saw Rei, now fully clothed, setting up the lunch he had prepared. Quickly dressing himself he joined her under the tree. They began to eat and after a short while Shinji started to tentatively ask Rei about her past, and what she new about NERV. She appeared to be enthusiastic (as much as giving more then her usual one word answers was), telling Shinji as much as she could. He was surprised at how little she actually knew about NERV, seemingly filling her-in on many details. To his surprise she started to ask questions herself, and together they formulated a slightly clearer picture of the situation. Though granted, still only as clear as mud.
She apparently had not seen most of the vision that Shinji had experienced after his fight with Kaworu. This annoyed Shinji a little, as he was still in slight doubt about what it was he himself had seen. As for her relationship with his father it was much more mechanical then he had thought, with only minimal parental sentiments being shown. 'Big surprise' thought Shinji.
He continued by saying that he believed that NERV and his father were plotting something big, something different, but something with the same outcome. Shinji honestly believed both organisations did not fully understand, so did not know, the consequences of their future actions. He also believed that there was only one way to avoid this undesirable outcome, and this meant action against his father. Shinji observed Rei closely after this revelation, knowing her previous allegiances to Gendo. Rei asked what kind of action was necessary, upon which Shinji asked what she had done during his fight with Kaworu, and why? She said she had apparently extended her AT Field in an attempt to protect Shinji and remembered little else. Shinji smiled at that. Continuing he said that he suspected that her AT field coupled with his location within the Eva and the distortion of Kaworus AT field had allowed him, contact, of some kind.
"Contact with who?" she asked.
"I'm not sure, with everyone I think, with myself.." he said a little unsure. Shinji continued to explain how Kaworu had referred to the AT fields as barriers to the soul, the envelopment and distortion of the 3 AT fields in close proximity had allowed for some kind of window for himself. A window out, and in a way a window into, his own soul.
Whatever the reason he believed that this same type of 'experience' would alter his fathers course from the visions Shinji had seen. A change from which, Shinji thought, any alternative was more pleasant.
"I think it's the only chance we have"
He looked at her, awaiting a response. Responding only a short while later Rei said; "If you think that is what we must do"
Shinji thought about Reis answer, no wonder she simply went along with what his father said, she was kept so much in the dark that she did not know any better. Though from the little he had seen she was quite able to make up her own mind up on issues she had some scrap of information about.
"Do you want to stop these events from happening?" he asked, looking at her. She thought for a second or so.
"I don't think that the outcome that will occur without our immediate action is desirable." she said simply, and that was enough for Shinji.
Time had flown by and the (sun) was setting. Shinji invited Rei around for dinner again, to which she agreed and they headed off home.
Misato was still not back, so the two started dinner. Misato arrived just as they were setting the table. She appeared glad to see Rei again and they all sat down to eat. Soon the mood turned serious as Shinji informed Misato of his earlier discussion with Rei, including what Rei had told him about her actions during the combat with Kaworu. And finally about Shinjis desire to act against his father. Misato was surprised to say the least, moving her shocked gaze from Shinji to Rei.
"You know what you are suggesting aren't you?" asked Misato, her serious expression taking over.
"You know what will happen to us afterwards?" she continued.
"Compared to the alternative, I see little choice" said Shinji, remembering his vision of Misatos body, shuddering slightly at the memory.
"But you're not sure… of your visions, or if your plan will work." Misato stated, a sense of helplessness in her voice.
Rei suddenly spoke, for the first time since Shinji started his long explanation.
"I am not sure for what purpose I have been created"
Both Shinji and Misato turned to look at her. "But given all that I have seen I am sure that it is for something very important, and I believe now, undesirable." she said, the disappointment evident in her voice. They both stared at her for a while, while she simply continued eating. Chewing slowly she stopped for a second and without looking up added. "From what information I know, I believe Shinjis plan will work. In that it will afford Gendo the same experience as Shinji had." Rei looked up from her food, focusing on Misato. "The full experience of what you yourself thought you dreamt."
Misato expression turned serious, she contemplated the situation at NERV at the moment, why was it still going? The 17th angel was dead, shouldn't it be over? She thought about Ritsuko and then back to Kaji.
"What a shit situation" she said out aloud. Still running blind, with no idea of what was going on or for what she was working for. She thought hard.
What could she do, surely this plan was too crazy, she would be arrested for sure, or maybe worse. Could she just leave? She was young, she could go away, start all over….. Or could she. 'Look at Ritsuko' thought Misato, causing a frown at the thought of her friends situation. Joining NERV was a life long commitment, literally.
"Ha" she mumbled under her breath.
Her mind turned to Gendo, 'Bastard!' she thought to herself. The more she thought of him the more she wanted to hit him in the face. These lies, so so sick of all the lies! She had continued working for NERV, but why? To kill Angels? Well they were all dead, except for Rei.
Misato looked over that the young girl, still eating.
'God, was there nothing to believe in any more!' she thought. Misato couldn't ignore the situation any more, this had been the first time she had really thought about it. In her heart she knew there was no way out, that's why she had simply continued working, simply ignoring the grievances she felt about her situation. But she had continued Kajis work! Seeking the truth amongst the lies, the problem was that every-time she found out a new fact, the more complicated the picture became, and the more lies she was confronted with. She had reached the end, her current investigations had been risky enough, anything else would be almost suicidal, without many more results. And what of this plan of Shinji's, wasn't it suicide? How did he know it was going to work?
Misato looked from Rei to Shinji, he had started to eat again, allowing Misato time to think.
Barriers to the soul, Shinji had said, what the hell? This was way over Misatos head. But then again considering all she had seen, all she had learnt, it wasn't as strange as it seemed. Misato remembered back to her own (dream) during the blackout. She shuddered slightly as some of it came back to her, was it really the truth, was it really what she was like, her motives her desires. She shook her head to clear the thoughts, she could still not accept these thoughts. 'Imagine you had to, that would be hell…..'
Misato grinned slightly at the thought of Gendo going through it, then frowned slightly as she remembered Shinji already had.
Well, Rei seemed to be confident It would work, and she never stated any facts without being almost 100 confident. 'What was Rei anyway? Was she an Angel?' Misato thought, getting slightly annoyed. 'Oh for the love of God! To only ONCE know the truth, to only once see the whole picture, to know what it was she was searching for!
'I would give my life, to only have the truth in my hand for an instant!' Misato thought to herself. Her connection to Kaji suddenly felt almost tangible.
'Well was there anyway forward?' she asked herself. Her expression turned downtrodden. No, no matter how long she stayed with NERV she would never see the truth, Kaji had known that, and it had cost him his life. Thinking back to now she also felt that something was building, whatever the truth was it was going to happen soon, and without her knowing it. This was her one and only chance to ever know, as crazy as the plan was. What was the truth worth to her?
"Would we find out the truth about NERV and SEELE?" asked Misato suddenly. Shinji was not expecting the question and had to finish his mouthful before answering. He thought about the answer for a second, remembering his mindset just after the incident, and indeed his current mindset.
"I believe so" he said finally, he looked at her, a little anxiously. He didn't have to wait long.
"I'm in" she said finally.
Shinji, relieved, discussed the finer details of the preliminary plan, He did not think they had much time so he planned to act during the next synchronisation test in two days time. Working together, and discussing for a considerable time, all three formulated a plan. Actually, in the end, it was quite simple, as all agreed early that an escape plan was impossible, and so irrelevant. After formulating the plot they were each lost in their own thoughts. Unable to continue eating, they started to clean up in silence. Pen Pen was still hanging around Rei, remembering the food from last night, she took some of the leftovers kneeling down to give him some. Misato looked across to see her stroking his head, and smiling? Misato was shocked, more so then when Shinji was talking to her… Her train of thought completely derailed she looked from Shinji to Rei. Shinji was quietly drying the dishes, Rei was patting PenPen, this tiny, insignificant scene settled a lot of her remaining doubt on the matter. Her mind largely cleared Misato perked up a bit.
"How about we all go out tomorrow… to the beach!" She said with a great big smile.
Shinji turned to look at her "To the beach?" he asked questioningly, he had been lost in his own thoughts.
"Sure why not!" said Misato more enthusiastically. "We'll stay in Motsumato for the night, I have tomorrow off. And heck, if were going to go though with this crazy scheme we may as well enjoy our last day of freedom!"
Shinji looked doubtful.
"Come on you two think about it, tomorrow we spend up big!" Misato continued. "No matter what happens after tomorrow, NERV accounting isn't going to be able to bill me this time!"
Listening to her own rhetoric, she began to like the idea more and more. It was rubbing off on Shinji as well, who looked at Rei expectantly.
'Why not? It sounds like fun' he thought, better then moping around.
"O.K Misato, sounds like fun" he said with a smile, both turned to look at Rei, who simply said;
"If you wish."
Both beamed at her. Misato spent the rest of the night planing the next day and insisted that Rei stay over so that they could get up early the next day. Rei stated that she did not have her bathers. To which Misato replied that she didn't need any and that she would buy everything the next day, it would be more fun that way. They set up the couch for Shinji to sleep in (Shinji's room being volunteered by Misato, but he did not really mind). Everyone avoided the subject of Asukas room, not wishing to discuss it at that moment. And so soon they were all changed and into bed (on Misatos insistence) Shinji said goodnight to Rei and Misato and lay down on the couch, Pen Pen slumped next to him. The house was finally silent. Shinji settled into his temporary bed, staring up at the ceiling.
'Sod it' Shinji thought to himself with a smile. 'The big showdown is two days away!'
He was going to look forward to just tomorrow, and with these thoughts in his head, he promptly fell asleep.
Author's notes:
This first bit might seem a bit slow to some, but I felt is was necessary for character and plot development, plus there should have been enough packed in to keep most people amused. A lot of fan-fics don't bother explaining why or how characters change, and how potlines are formed and I felt that these development are critical for a smooth complex story. Don't worry, it speeds up from here on in!
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