Hello everyone. I would like to say a LOT of things, but I know you don't care that much, and this should be all about Castle fanfic, and not a way to express and pour out my own, personal thoughts. So I'll be brief:
For the ones who have read any of my work before, you'll know I haven't published in a long time. Way too long. I'll just tell you that I suffered enormously every single day that went by without being able to write.
This is why, as a drastic way of getting myself to finally write again, I prohibited myself last May to watch any more Castle episodes until I had posted a new story. This means I haven't seen the season seven's finale yet. (I have it recorded). So I'm spoiler free, and so is this story. The good thing about this is that I didn't have to endure a whole summer thinking about the season's finale cliffhanger.
I am as happy as I am nervous about posting again, but, as always, I really, really hope you like what you are about to read. I only mean to move you. Nothing else.
Beckett's stomach growled again. This time it was loud enough to be heard over the general rumble of the bull pen coming in through the open door. She wasn't alone in the conference room —Ryan and Esposito sat in front of her across the table— and a small wave of self-consciousness washed over her as her insides continued to roar for another three long seconds. Discreetly, she lifted her gaze and spied at the boys from under her eyelashes. They didn't seem to have noticed anything, focused as they were on their work. Ryan sat in a studying-for-midterms posture, hunched over an open folder with his elbows on the table and closed fists acting like two pillars holding his head upright. To his left sat Esposito, slumped back in the chair with a rather thick dossier in his lap. His legs were propped up and crossed at the ankles, feet resting on the seat of an empty chair beside him.
Since very early in the morning, Kate and her team had been forced to enclose themselves in the conference room for some thorough investigation. The particularly complicated case they were working on had hit a dead end, and the only way to move forward was through half a dozen boxes containing old documents and records. The wooden surface of the oval table was a landscape of piles and more piles of folders, which had taken them over an hour just to organize by date. There was a lot to go through, and the search, just like time, was moving slow. So far they'd had no hits, but hopefully they would find something useful before the day ended.
Esposito closed the binder he'd been reviewing, tossed it on the table with a loud thud and grabbed the next one on top of his stack. Kate took a deep breath, stretched her stiff legs under the table and lowered her gaze back to her own file. Concentration avoided her, though, her eyes drifting to her wristwatch to check the time. It wasn't half past twelve yet but she was already starving. She really hoped Castle would be back soon. He had stepped out nearly twenty minutes ago to go pick up some lunch for everyone. He'd called the restaurant ahead to order, too, so he should be back any minute now, Beckett assumed—unless he was purposely delaying his return to avoid the slow and boring task of desk-chained investigation he loathed so much. All the files and records that needed to be revised had been equally divided among the four members of the team earlier that morning, yet Castle's pile, somehow, was still almost as tall as when they'd started.
As Beckett's eyes idly scanned the page in her left hand, her right glided off the armrest and landed on her lower abdomen. This new, impulsive gesture had quickly become a regular habit in the past few weeks. But for reasons such as privacy and caution, it was something she had to keep under control. Numerous times, while thinking of something else, she'd caught her fingers just inches from her belly, ready to caress and cradle it protectively. Fortunately, she'd been able to disguise it every time before anyone could notice. But she knew she needed to be more careful, especially when she was in public. In this early stage of her pregnancy, only a handful of close relatives had been trusted with the secret. Ryan and Esposito didn't belong to this privileged group yet. They lived in a blissed and harmless state of ignorance with the rest of the world, and would continue to do so for another two weeks.
For now, though, behind the cover of the big table, Kate felt safe enough to allow her hand to remain on her tummy. Sinking just a little bit further into the chair, she slipped her fingers underneath her blouse and moved her thumb up and down over her belly, gently tracing the inch of skin beneath her navel where she could clearly feel the curve of a growing bump. The detective couldn't stop a private, inner smile to blossom on her lips, a low sigh of contentment echoing in her chest.
"Yo!" Esposito said aloud all of a sudden, breaking the serene silence in the room.
Startled, Kate immediately withdrew her hand from under her shirt, banging her elbow against the edge of the table in the process. Ryan startled too, waking from his trance with a jolt, sending a handful of papers to the floor. Ignoring the pain in her elbow, Beckett tried to appear as innocent as possible and gave Esposito a cautious glance. He wasn't paying her any attention at all. He was staring at the sheet of paper clutched in his hands.
"I think I have something," he said intently, talking to the room in general.
Throwing his feet down to the floor, he scooted his chair closer to the table and quickly sifted through the stack of files he'd already gone through. Beckett and Ryan exchanged a look, wondering what had their partner suddenly so enthused. When Esposito found the document he was looking for, he laid it on the table next to the one he already had and compared them meticulously, eyes moving back and forth between the two sheets of papers.
"Haha! Yep!" he finally said with a victorious cheer. "Here it is!" He tapped the documents with one finger, a proud grin on his face.
Both Beckett and Ryan leaned over the table at the same time to have a look and then gazed back up at Esposito, questioningly. Espo sighed in mocking exasperation and quickly explained his finding to them.
"Nice job, Espo," Kate said, very impressed. Detective Esposito acknowledged her compliment with another big smile. "Okay!" Beckett hopped off her chair and approached the murder board, lively encouraged by this new lead. She uncapped a blue dry-erase marker and asked over her shoulder, "Give me the names, Espo?"
Esposito started reading out loud and she noted down the information, her hand moving swiftly to keep up with his quick pace. All of a sudden, a painful twinge pierced Kate's abdomen. The blue marker twitched in her hand, and her usually neat handwriting became a scribble. The tip of the marker drew a crooked line down the white board before it slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor. The pain was gone as fast as it had come, but the unexpectedness of it left the detective stunned and frozen in place for a long beat.
Esposito stopped reciting, silence falling upon the room.
"You okay, Beckett?" Ryan asked.
Kate turned around to look at him, her hand still on the spot where she'd felt the twinge. He and Espo were observing her with brows slightly arched in an inquisitive look. Kate nodded slowly, without conviction.
"You sure?"
"Yeah… I—" she started to say but was hit with another painful cramp. She gasped and bent over herself, inhaling through clenched teeth. The boys jumped to their feet and were at her side in an instant. One of them pulled up a chair for her to sit down. They crouched at either side of her and started talking at the same time, urgently asking what was wrong. Kate couldn't answer just yet, more focused on keeping her breathing leveled out to control the severe cramping. She inhaled deeply through her nose, puffed the air out her mouth, then inhaled again, repeating the process for nearly a minute. The confusion of the situation, along with her lack of response, caused the boys to grow really nervous. The volume of their voices quickly escalated and soon they were shouting over Kate's head, pointlessly arguing with each other.
Gates's name was mentioned and Ryan disappeared from Beckett's side at once. "She isn't in her office," she heard him say a second later from over a few feet away.
Esposito placed a hand on Beckett's knee. "Kate. Come on," he murmured, his tone soft but demanding. "What's wrong?"
She would have liked to answer but all she could think of was that the pain wasn't subsiding. She was starting to feel dizzy. Her breathing was labored and rapid. The frantic pounding of her heart filled her ears. And then she felt something wet and warm spreading between her legs. When she lowered her gaze, she saw a small dark red stain growing at the crotch of her light gray pants.
Panic rushed through her veins and gripped her heart.
"What the hell are you waiting for, Kevin?!" Esposito suddenly shouted to his partner, his hard, harsh voice piercing Beckett's already ringing ears. "Don't just stand there! Go get the Captain!"
"No," Kate articulated in a quiet, tight voice. Her fingertips started tingling. She grabbed Espo's hand, still resting on her knee, and squeezed it hard. "No. I need Castle. Please…"
"Ryan!" Esposito called after him before he had taken a step out of the conference room.
"Yeah, yeah." Ryan pulled his cell phone in a second. "What should I tell him, Beckett?" he asked sharply.
Kate gazed up at him, vaguely noticing the small crowd that had gathered behind him just outside the door. "I, uh…" She released Esposito's fingers and doubled over again, muffling a groan and squeezing her eyes shut, arms tightly wrapped around her abdomen. A tear rolled down her cheek.
Espo placed one gentle hand on her shoulder. "Beckett. Just tell us what's wrong, please."
"I think I…" She paused a moment, feeling too overwhelmed. The pain and dread threatened to swallow her up into a spiraling vacuum, but the crashing weight of the truth that fell over her kept her grounded, the ice cold realization of what was happening enveloping her in an almost smothering numbness. Keeping her trembling hands helplessly pressed to her middle, Kate tried to breathe through the heavy pressure in her chest, and then turned her head toward Esposito. He was totally stunned when he heard her speak the words, "I think I'm having a miscarriage," with a voice so calm that didn't seem to belong to her.
As soon as the doors opened, Martha Rodgers pushed her way out of the elevator, literally elbowing and shoving people aside, and therefore, earning herself a few grunts and complaints from the other passengers. She couldn't care less at the moment.
There was no one at the reception desk to ask for directions; the nurses' station behind it was also vacant. Anxious as she was, Martha didn't even consider waiting for any hospital staff to come back to their post. Instead, she swiftly walked around the counter and took a right into the first corridor she found. It was deserted. Pulling her cell from her purse, Martha continued forward, speed-dialing her son's phone as she did. It jumped straight to voicemail again. At the sound of fading footsteps ahead of her, she sped up her pace. But when she got to the end of the hallway and turned left into the next one, it was also empty, not a single doctor, nurse or patient in sight. Very odd, she thought. Wasn't this a hospital? As disconcerting as it was, Martha didn't let that deter her from keep on moving, half walking, half jogging past closed doors and silent rooms, only one purpose in mind.
After rounding some more corners though, one of which was blocked by a set of heavy double doors marked with an "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY", Martha recognized that wandering around in the endless maze of identical white hallways with no sense of direction was pointless. She would just probably end up getting lost. Sighing heavily, she came to a halt in the middle of a junction where four corridors met. After taking a second to catch her breath, she turned around to double back. That's when she spotted her son.
"Richard," she breathed out. He was alone at the farther end of the corridor to her right, perched on one of those waiting row chairs with his arms resting on his knees and his head hanging down. Something about his posture unsettled Martha even more and she broke into a jog again, rushing toward him. "Richard!"
Castle lifted his head instantly, searching for the source of the sound, and a flicker of relief flashed across his face when he saw her.
"Mom," he said in a weak, lifeless voice as he rose to his feet.
Martha threw her arms around him, squeezing tightly for a brief moment. Then she pulled away to look up at his face but kept him close, her hands firmly wrapped around his forearms.
"I'm so sorry, darling. I had a rehearsal and my phone was muted. I didn't get your message until we were finished," she said in a rush. "What happened? Is everything alright with Kate and the baby?"
Castle shook his head no. "She lost it, Mom."
"…What?" Martha's heart sank to the bottom of her stomach. "No…"
"Kate lost the baby…" Castle's voice cracked, and the strong, stoic composure he'd been keeping all day suddenly shattered to pieces. Not just his face but his whole body crumpled as he broke into tears, collapsing onto his mother. The sudden weight of him almost knocked Martha backwards, but she managed to keep her balance, holding on to him.
She steered him back to one of the chairs and eased herself into the seat next to him without letting him go. He leaned into her and nestled his head against her chest, sliding his hands behind her and curling his fingers around her shoulders.
"Oh, sweetheart," Martha whispered mournfully, putting her hand on his cheek and rocking him gently back and forth. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry…"
Martha felt her own eyes well up as she tightened her arms around her son's broad shoulders. Big as he was, he felt so small inside her embrace right now, crying into the front of her blouse like a disconsolate child, his torso convulsing with sobs.
"Shh… I know… I know…" A surge of powerlessness grew overwhelmingly heavy inside Martha's chest. Tears continued to fight their way out of her eyes. But she remained strong for her son. Relentlessly whispering comforting words into his hair, she let him pour out his grief, feeling his pain as her own.
Eventually Castle calmed down and dislodged himself from Martha's embrace, straightening up and clearing his throat a few times to pull himself together. He used the cuff of his sleeves to wipe the tears from his face. Martha quickly reached into her purse and handed him a paper tissue, taking one for herself. She also offered her son a bottle of water. He took a couple of sips and gave it back to her. Then he leaned slightly against her side, their shoulders touching.
"Are you feeling better, darling?" Martha asked softly, touching the side of his face. Castle nodded, taking a deep breath. She put her hand on his knee and squeezed lightly. "Then tell me what happened. Did something occur at work? Did Katherine get hurt during a raid or—?"
"No, nothing like that," Castle interrupted, his voice still thick and unsteady from crying. "She was at the precinct with Ryan and Esposito."
"You weren't there?"
"Um, no. I'd stepped out to get some lunch. They said—" Castle pulled in a sudden deep, shaky breath. "They said it just happened. She got some painful cramps and started bleeding."
"And there was nothing that triggered it?"
"No. Nothing," he answered. "She was rushed here in an ambulance, but there was nothing they could do. The doctor said it was a spontaneous miscarriage."
Martha was pensive for a moment, dozens of thoughts gnawing at her mind.
"I don't understand," she wondered aloud. "This kind of things should be preventable nowadays, or at least predictable. I mean— you went to the doctor just a few days ago. Katherine had a blood test and the ultrasound... There was nothing wrong, was there?"
"No, mom. Everything was fine."
"Then, how—?"
"I don't know, Mother," Castle said, tired and defeated. "I don't know…"
Martha realized her questions weren't helping her son at all. She took one of his hands and held it between her own. After a minute of silence she asked, "Does Jim know?"
"Yes. He was here earlier."
"What about Alexis. Did you tell her?"
Castle shook his head. "She had this big test this afternoon. I didn't want to bother her."
"Right… But I'm sure she's done by now," Martha hinted.
"Yeah, I know… It's just…" Castle paused, lowering his gaze to their joined hands. "I don't know how to tell her."
"I understand," Martha said. "Do you want me to—?"
"No," he said quickly, looking up again. "I'll do it. I'll call her."
"Okay…"
Castle released a sigh and sat back, leaning his head against the wall and closing his eyes. Martha watched him for a moment, the feeling of helplessness still twisting inside her.
"How is Kate?" she asked in a soft murmur.
"Well…" he exhaled, his eyelids still shut. "She lost some blood, but she's stable now. The doctors want to keep her in overnight for observation, but she'll be discharged tomorrow."
"Well, that's good to know," Martha said. "But what I meant is, how is she?"
Castle's eyes opened and he looked at his mother with a downhearted expression, pure heartache written all over his face. "I don't know…" he admitted quietly, and Martha heard a tone of shame in his voice. His glassy gaze dropped to his lap again. "She has barely spoken a word," he continued. "I know she's hurting. But you know her, she won't let anybody see it. And I'm afraid she may be…" Castle trailed off and swallowed hard, struggling to keep his emotions at bay. "I don't know what I can do to help her," he whispered, sounding choked up again.
Martha moved her thumb in circles over the back of his hand.
"Is she in there?" she asked, head-nodding toward the door in front of them.
"Yes," the writer said. Martha started rising. "But she doesn't want to see anyone," he added quickly, tightening the grip around his mother's hand to stop her. "She even made me send Lanie on her way not half an hour ago."
Martha fell back on the chair and was silent for a moment, a frown creasing her forehead.
"Go in there, Richard," she told him solemnly. "Ask her if she'll see me."
"Mother—"
"Go," Martha insisted stubbornly. "Do it."
Too tired to argue with her, Castle yielded in and walked up to the door.
He slipped in without making the slightest noise. All the lights were off and the windows covered, enveloping the room in an almost complete darkness if not for a slant spill of weak light that seeped in through a gap between the curtains, stretching across the floor and creeping up the foot of the hospital bed. Kate lay in it, curled on her side, facing away from the door. The tray of food the nurses had brought her remained untouched on the small over-bed table. Castle stepped quietly further into the room and peered over Kate's shoulder to check if she was asleep. Feeling his presence, she opened her eyes and turned her head to look up at him. Even in the dimness, Castle could see the white around her hazel irises was tinged red.
He shifted his gaze from her eyes, unable to stand the sight; it pained him too much to see her like that.
"My mother is here," he informed her in a soft whisper.
Her eyelids closed and didn't open again. She didn't move for such a long time that Castle supposed she still didn't want to see anyone. He was about to leave the room when she said in a hoarse, cracking murmur, "Let her in."
When Castle walked back out into the hallway, his mother was waiting right outside the door.
"What did she say?" Martha asked.
"That you can go in—"
"Very well," Martha cut him off. She took a step forward but Castle blocked her path and kept the door closed, his hand clutching the handle.
"Please be sensitive," he told her, his voice grave and pleading. "Kate is very vulnerable right now."
"Yes, I know, darling," she reassured him, and tried to push him aside but he still didn't move.
"And," Castle emphasized the word, sounding very stern all of a sudden. "Above all, don't you even think of mentioning anything about how we can try again."
"Please, son." Martha gave him a look. "Have a little faith in your mother."
With weak arms, Kate dragged herself a few inches up the mattress to a half-sitting position, her back being supported by the two thin pillows behind her. When she turned on the switch above the bed, she squinted against the invasion of light, blinking rapidly until her vision adjusted. She started reaching for the box of tissues on the tall nightstand but found it empty. Instead, she grabbed the already soaked one she had tucked under the pillow and gently dabbed at her eyes with it. They stung and felt swollen from all the tears she'd already spilled.
When the door opened and her mother-in-law walked in, Beckett tried to give her a small grin, but her cheek muscles didn't obey. Martha did a poor job of hiding her feelings herself, a mix of pity and sympathy and sorrow playing on her face.
"Hello, honey."
"Hi, Martha," Kate tried to say but it came out all raspy.
"Oh, darling…" Flinging her purse on the easy chair in the corner, Martha crossed over to the bed in two long strides and put her arms carefully around Kate, hugging her almost as if afraid she might break, like she was as brittle and fragile as a piece of glass, ready to shatter at the slightest pressure. That might actually be true at the moment. "I'm so, so sorry, dear," Martha whispered. Those words didn't catch Kate off guard. She'd known they were coming. Still, when Martha uttered them out loud, their weight landed heavily on Kate's chest, making something tear inside her. The detective immediately balled her hands into fists, her short nails digging into her palms, and nodded against Martha's shoulder, swallowing down the lump growing in her throat.
Castle's mom held her for another moment and then released her.
"How are you holding up, dear?" she asked, reaching out to tenderly tuck a stray strand of hair behind Kate's ear. The detective shrugged, having no real answer to that question. Martha made a small nod in understanding and took one of Kate's hands, cradling it between her own. All of Beckett's body was so numb, though, that she could barely feel the warmth of Martha's hands. The two women looked at each other for a few seconds in silence. But soon the moment became one of those awkward and uncomfortable situations where no one quite knows what to say. Kate shifted her gaze and pretended to smooth down the sheets over her lap with her free hand. "Oh, Kate…" Martha suddenly said with a heartfelt sigh. The detective's gaze rose back to the woman's face. Her brows were furrowed in concern, her blue eyes glistening with sadness. "I can't imagine how you must feel right now."
Kate knew Martha only meant to sympathize with her, to comfort her and show her that she really cared. But it was too much for Kate to take. She had to turn away to hide the trembling of her lips, fighting the burning in her eyes with all her might.
"Oh, darling. I'm sorry," Martha quickly apologized, sliding one arm around Kate's shoulders and pulling her against her side for another hug. "I didn't mean to… It's just— Oh…"
Kate pulled away and nodded. "It's alright," she murmured, pressing the tissue to her eyes to dry the tears before they could fall.
"Listen," Martha started slowly, "I know there is nothing that anyone can say to even start to make you feel any better. And I just promised Richard I wouldn't upset you with unnecessary comments—he's very worried about you, sweetheart. But I think you need to hear this." Martha made a short pause before she continued. "I believe he believes you may be blaming yourself." Martha tilted her head slightly to the side and looked her right in the eye. "And I think he may be right."
Kate's gaze wavered and dropped to her lap, involuntarily admitting by doing so that Martha and her son were right.
"Katherine, you must know this wasn't your fault," Castle's mom said, her voice becoming slightly stern, her eyes hard on Kate's face but also expressing sincere concern. She took Beckett's other hand, squeezing her cold, slender fingers and the tear-soaked tissue she still held clutched between them. "You did nothing wrong," Martha stated firmly. "Absolutely nothing, dear."
"I know," Kate said in a tight, little voice. "I know..." Martha released Kate's right hand, cradled her cheek and looked her in the eye, but not in the intense, uneasy way she had before. More like she was waiting for Kate to go on. With a deep breath, she did. "It's just—" Beckett struggled to find the words, unconsciously twisting the damp, crumpled tissue between her middle and pointer finger. "I feel… sad and angry and tired and emotional and confused and—". A sob was forcing its way up her throat and her vision became blurry from the moisture pooling in her eyes.
Never before in her life had Kate stopped to really consider what it would actually mean to be pregnant, to know that there was a new life growing inside of you. Her life simply hadn't led her in that direction, not until she and Castle had forged and consolidated their relationship. But it all changed seven weeks ago.
She'd taken a home test and it had been positive and she'd been happy, really happy. And Castle had been thrilled, ecstatic, over the moon. They'd been to the doctor. They'd heard a heartbeat. They'd seen a granulated black and white nugget on a screen, with tiny arms and tiny legs. They'd smiled at each other and squeezed each other's hand, realizing this was the start of their family.
And now there was nothing. Now it was gone.
"Empty…" Kate finally choked out, immeasurably overwhelmed by sorrow. "I just feel so empty…" And then the dam broke, releasing a flood of tears.
"Oh, my sweet girl," Martha cooed, her tone motherly and affectionate again. "Come here, come here." She pulled Kate against her chest, put her arms around her and softly stroked her hair. "I know, honey… It's not fair. It's not fair…"
Kate cried open-heartedly, without holding back, lacking the strength to silence her moaning or stop the tears from streaming down her face. She was too tired and broken to even try. A door opened somewhere nearby, and it wasn't long before Martha's slender arms were replaced by the strong ones of Castle. He sat on the edge of the bed and said nothing, just folded her in his embrace and comforted her in the way she needed, holding her really close to his chest until her whole body surrendered to exhaustion, too consumed to cry anymore.
Castle set the overnight bag his mother had brought for him on the rollaway bed, which the nurses had previously set in the room, and opened the zip. Martha had packed him a set of PJ's, a change of clothes for him and Kate, and two separate toiletries bags. Castle grabbed his, along with his pajamas that lay neatly folded on top, and went into the bathroom, catching the glimpse of Kate's half closed eyes before he slid the door shut. When Castle walked back out, he draped his clothes over the back of the easy chair and picked up the bag off the rollaway bed, setting it down on the floor. He was about to reach down and pull the sheets away when he stopped, finding himself suddenly unwilling to get into that bed. He stared at it for a full minute, the ghost of a grimace slowly settling on his face, pulling his lips and his brows together. It wasn't because the bed was uninvitingly small and seemed rather uncomfortable. He didn't care about that now. He just couldn't face the thought of having to sleep alone, not tonight.
Castle's gaze drifted to Kate. She was still awake, lying on her side, looking at him with an unexpressive face. His feet started moving before his brain had given the order. Without needing to ask, Beckett scooted back to make room for him and he slipped under the covers with her. The bed wasn't big, but the railing at Kate's back was pulled up, so there was no risk of her falling off of it.
Both curled up on their sides, they lay facing one another, their heads very close together. After a long minute of silence staring into each other's eyes, Castle slung an arm gently over Kate's waist. She immediately leaned in closer and hid her face into his chest, closing her eyes and breathing the familiar scent of his skin, ready for a new flood of tears. But this time they didn't come. Kate drew out a breath of relief and touched her lips to Castle's collarbone, just above the neck of his T-shirt. Then she pressed her ear to his heart, enveloping herself completely into the comforting safety of arms.
Castle buried his nose in her hair and placed a tender kiss on top of her head. "We're gonna get through this," he murmured low against her temple. "Just like we've overcome all the bad things before."
Kate couldn't find the words to answer him just yet. The darkness around her kept her from seeing anything beyond that right now. But Castle was her strength, and as long she had him by her side, she knew she would be able to pull through anything. Including this.
I hope you liked it. I would like to ask that if you want to leave a review, please remember it to be spoiler free regarding the season 7 finale and the new season that just started. Thank you very much.