It is heartbreaking. Don't ask me what is so heartbreaking because the answer is way too complicated for words. Every time I see him, something just cracks inside, making me want to let those tears fall that are burning behind my eyes.

I can't say when this started. If I have to give an answer I would say it was always there. Even in elementary school when we first met it was looming right under the surface. I never realized it. Not even when we met again that night.

Back when I first met him, I thought it was just joy in my chest because I liked the idea of being around him. To create a team with him on it was a dream come true. He was captivating in every single way. I would later on learn that he was more than I could ever hope for.

You know I was captivated by him. I told you through the letters. If you remember that one where I ended up writing it to you instead of him, you know which letter I'm talking about.

I met him again in the darkest hour of my life. I lost to him, and blinded by the darkness inside me, I ended up losing him too. That day I broke my own heart, for the first time.

Many years had passed until I met him again with them that fateful night. I can't believe how I acted. I was so cold, not only to them, but to him too, only fixated on our racing. I guess, subconsciously I was already fighting the battle I later on came to fight more consciously. I was questioning my own feelings about them. I guess my bad behavior came from an attempt to push those emotions aside, those forbidden ones.

Occasionally we would run into each other the first long while. Around that time I was slowly realizing what was happening. Stupid as I was, I kept on denying it, telling myself that it was nothing but my desire to defeat him that was making me feel like this. How could I be so naïve?

I made sure we would compete against each other at the Free tournament. Our qualifying time was the same and it made me feel at ease. We would be swimming right next to each other. I felt so good upon walking to the starting block knowing he would be by my side. Oh the sweet confidence, how I miss that.

I beat him, fair and square and I thought that things would be over now. Now all I had to do was break things off between us. I never wanted to feel like that again, so the best way to do that, was to make sure we would never have any connections but this.

I said things to him, awful things. I still remember the expression on his face that day, the shock and the sadness. I never thought I would see him look like that. I hope I will never see it again. This was the second time I broke my own heart.

I was sinking from that day forward. I was sinking into a pool of deep regret. I could hear my own words, the words I had said to him, ringing inside my head every day when I had the time to not think of anything. The scene would always find its way into my dreams too, turning them into nightmares. I would wake up and cry from time to time. I never told anyone of this before.

He was the one who healed my heart back up. I was falling into another pit of darkness. I had lost everything important to me. My hope, my dreams, my goals, and I had lost him. All of it came crushing down on me and I couldn't stand it anymore.

I ran to the place that reminded me of back then. It reminded me of him. At first I thought it was just my legs carrying me there and that I had ended up there by coincidence, but recently I have started to believe it was my heart that brought me there because of fate. I know it sounds like the words of a cheesy romantic novel, but this is the only way I can explain it.

He found me there. I guess he knew where I would go in a situation like this. I ended up trying to distance him more from me, believing he too was looking down on me. I wanted him to laugh at me, but he won't listen. Or so I thought. In reality it was me who won't listen to what he had to say. I ignored every single word while just yelling at him. Then I pushed him to the ground. My temper got the best of me and we ended up fighting, but then I saw it, and though it hurt, my heart healed up. I cried again. When I looked back at his eyes, I understood everything. Not just what he had tried to tell me at that time, but also what had complicated my life so much for such a long time. It all became clear to me. Though I would still try to deny that I loved him, I knew that I did. I had fallen hard.

If I were to explain what it feels like to be in love with a guy like him I would put it a bit like this. It feels like my head is under water. I am drowning in love, I am drowning in his appearance, his personality, his style, his absolute everything. I am drowning from all of it. Yet, I'm still alive and breathing.

The rest of that year I spend arguing with myself. I couldn't decide if I loved him or if it was just my imagination. My heart was telling me one thing while my brain was telling me another. At first I stuck with the ideas in my brain, but little by little I started believing more in my own heart.

When he and the others did something special for me around spring break, I think that was when I realized that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I knew he was the one behind it. It wasn't the look on his face, or the things he said, he would never reveal it like that, it was just a feel I had. It's too bad the surprise was ruined completely after he and the others worked so hard.

I wonder now, why does love have to hurt so much. I wonder why love makes you feel like this. I feel like I'm stuck. I know we are close now, but one little thing could easily break everything between us. If I was to confess to him someday and he doesn't feel the same way, then it'll ruin our friendship. I have no doubt in my mind.

Rin threw himself back on the bed as he finished explaining everything to the other male sitting next to him. He had been patiently listening to Rin's every word. Now the room fell so silent you could hear a pin drop to the floor.

Sousuke was in deep thoughts.

"A strange one to fall in love with," he finally said.

Rin could only smile at that. "I agree. Now that I think about it, it all seems so ridiculous. I can't believe I'm telling you this,"

"Nobody else would take it seriously. Nitori won't and I can't imagine you telling someone like Mikoshiba-kun about it. Your sister would not stop nagging you about it until you were with him and the others… They would probably just go right on and tell him,"

Rin nodded. "You're right on that, I knew I could count on you,"

"Who said you couldn't?"

Rin smiled. "Nobody,"

Again the two were silent for a while.

"If you can tell me, I guess you can tell him too," Sousuke finally said.

Rin looked at his friend. "What?" he asked. He wasn't sure he had caught what his friend said.

"You told your story to me. Therefore I think you can tell him how you feel too. I don't know him that well, but I think your fears are with no reason. He would take you seriously, yet I also doubt he would break your friendship, even if he doesn't share the same feelings with you," The other said.

Rin thought it over. He hoped Sousuke was right. Yet he still had his doubts.

"Seriously Rin," Sousuke sighed and leaned back too. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Our friendship breaks off," Rin said bluntly.

Sousuke nodded. "Let's take it that my assumptions about him are right, then what's the worst that could happen?"

Rin thought long and hard about it. Put like that, there wasn't really much of a risk in confessing. Sousuke was right. Maybe he should give it a shot. Now he just had to find the courage to go there.

"You could tell him tonight," Sousuke said as if he had read Rin's thoughts. "It's still early,"

Rin sighed, and full of resolution he stood up and nodded at Sousuke.

"Then I will go," he said before doing just that.

Makoto said nothing as Haruka fell silent again. There was no need for words. Both of them knew that the other understood completely and the silence of their understanding was good enough for the both of them. It proved to them exactly how close they were.

"I don't know what to say…" Makoto finally said with a sheepish smile.

Haruka just nodded in response.

"Do you know what Rin feels?"

"I never asked," he said.

"So you haven't confessed either?" Makoto tilted his head.

Haruka shook his head.

"Do you want to? I mean it's better to know how he feels than stay like this forever," Makoto said.

"How?" Haruka turned to look directly at Makoto, their eyes met.

Makoto had to give it some thought. "Maybe you should start by telling him how you feel," he said.

"Can't you do it?" These words were never spoken out loud, Makoto could read them from Haruka's gaze. He had to smile while shaking his head.

"Haru, you were taught to speak up for yourself, you especially have to do that when it comes to your love life or it'll just seem halfhearted," he explained patiently.

Haruka let out a soft sigh, deep down, he had always known this would be Makoto's answer to the request. He had just had a tiny bit of hope that the answer would be different.

"It's still early, you still got plenty of time to see him," Makoto encouraged.

Haruka nodded and got up. He left the house without saying another word while Makoto just watched his back as he disappeared down the steps.

This is just something I came up with on a day when I didn't want to do anything but was dragged to town for shopping anyway and just heard a song on the radio in one of the stores. It inspired me, and with the help of some ANVs I found on Youtube, this story was born.

Please note that this will not be continued. I made the ending open as you could figure out for yourself what you think happens.

I hope you enjoyed this story, I sure enjoyed writing it.

Remember to leave some reviews and tell me what you think. I appreciate it a lot.

Jackie