Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.
This fic has been a long time in the making, but I thought I'd give it a go and see how I fare with multi-chapter fics after my last disaster. Which I'm not going to name. It was deleted.
Dean can't stand it anymore. He'd thought that this damn crush would go away after a while but it's only gotten stronger! How the hell is he supposed to stand being around his best friend if all he can do is stare at Castiel? How's he supposed to concentrate when the angel's dark hair and bright blue eyes and chapped lips keep distracting him? Because that's all that goes through his mind whenever the angel pops in!
Sam knows, of course. The stupid moose keeps smirking at Dean every time Castiel appears and distracts him; and whenever Castiel leaves, Sam always makes some sort of suggestive comment.
"Cas has nice hair, don't you think?"
"If I wasn't straight, I'd go right up to him and kiss those big, pink lips, y'know."
"Don't those deep blue eyes just draw you in, Dean?"
These comments make Dean very suspicious of his little brother's supposed 'straightness' (what was he doing looking at Castiel's lips anyway?) but he's mostly annoyed at Sam's incessant suggestiveness and nagging. Why can't Sam just leave him alone? He'd tell Castiel how he feels when he's ready!
Which, in Dean language, means never. And he has good reason. There's no way that Castiel could ever love him back! Why would he? Castiel's an emotionless, beautiful, perfect celestial being who deserves the best of the best after all the crap he's been through for them. And Dean's just…Dean. Boring, stupid old Dean, who'd dropped out with a GED and whose only purpose in life is to protect his little brother and to fuck up the world.
Dean doesn't know exactly when he'd started to fall for Castiel. But it had definitely started sometime during their attempt to stop the Apocalypse, and had only intensified once Castiel had been killed by the Leviathans; when Dean had truly felt the angel's loss for the first time. He'd been both thrilled and gutted when he'd found an amnesiac Castiel living with his wife (and who the hell married a man they'd found in a river?) and really, while he felt terrible for leaving an insane Castiel in a mental institution, he reasoned that it was the best place for Castiel to stay out of danger. And it gave him space and time to sort out his feelings for his best friend.
Those shitty justifications just made Dean feel even worse but he clung to them. They cemented to him that he was a crappy person, undeserving of Castiel's love when all he did was hurt and use the angel, and this gave him a strange sense of comfort. These were feelings he knew; feelings that he was comfortable with.
In Purgatory, Dean's feelings had only grown. He wasn't surprised that Benny quickly picked up on it, what with his determination to find Castiel and the way he'd hugged the angel tightly and taken the opportunity to bury his nose in Castiel's hair and breathe in his scent and relish the closeness while trying to ignore the butterflies exploding in his stomach and fluttering all around him. He'd been disappointed when Castiel hadn't hugged him back but he did suppose he deserved that. It was his fault that the angel was here, after all.
"You gonna tell him?" Benny murmured one night to Dean, who was watching Castiel curl up next to a tree and wrap himself in his filthy coat. Dean's heart ached for him.
"Tell him what?"
"About how you love him."
Dean shot Benny a sharp look.
"Don't give me that look, brother. Anyone with eyes can tell how much you love that angel."
"I'm crap for him, Benny," Dean said firmly. "It's my fault he's here. All I do is fuck things up for Cas and I dunno why he sticks around. I don't deserve him. And he doesn't even like me back. I know it. We're probably gonna die here anyway so why dump that on him? Besides, he's got a thing for Meg. He prefers a demon over me. How much more of a hint do I need?"
Benny listened to his spiel patiently. Dean expected the vampire to begin to painfully dissect each pitiful argument and try to make him talk to Cas but all Benny did was pat him on the shoulder sympathetically.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, brother. You're worth more than you think."
And with that, he got up and began to slowly pace and keep watch. Dean appreciated the fact that Benny was leaving him be but he couldn't help but disagree with his friend. He wasn't worth much. All he was good for was protecting Sammy – and he'd even failed at that multiple times.
Noticing that Castiel was still shivering, Dean heaved himself to his feet and sank down next to Castiel. The angel jumped, staring at Dean with wide blue eyes.
"You cold?" Dean said. Before Castiel could say anything, Dean had taken off his jacket and wrapped it around the angel. Castiel continued to stare at him.
"I am just uncomfortable, Dean," he said in his low, gravelly voice after a moment. Dean quickly suppressed any thoughts of what that voice would sound like when it was hoarsely crying out as Dean pounded into him, instead choosing to focus on Castiel's lips. Sure, now his mind was filled with fantasies of passionately making out with the angel but it was safer than some of his dirtier thoughts. "I should not be here. All I'm doing is attracting monsters to you."
"Shut it, Cas," Dean said firmly. "I'm not letting you go off on your own. I don't care if you're a monster magnet. You're my friend and I don't ditch friends."
Except when he had. But Dean tried not to think about that at the moment.
The next moment, Castiel shocked the hell of Dean by shifting over and leaning into him. Startled, Dean tried to move, wondering if Castiel was just trying to lie down, but Castiel stubbornly snuggled into his side and closed his eyes. After a moment, Dean lowered his arms and hesitantly put his right arm around Castiel in a loose embrace. A short distance away, Benny was smirking at him and Dean glared at him until the vampire held his hands up in surrender and turned away.
Getting out of Purgatory without Castiel had nearly killed Dean and all he could do in the following weeks was beat himself up about it. How could he have let Castiel go? How could he have left the angel in that place by himself? What kind of fucked up friend did that? Dean knew that Sam noticed his less-than-cheerful state but, to his little brother's credit, he never said anything and let Dean wallow in self-pity (although that was probably because he was too preoccupied with that girl he'd chosen to shack up with rather than trying to get Dean out).
When Castiel had magically escaped from Purgatory and gone straight to him, Dean had been ecstatic. But then his good mood had plummeted. Who'd gotten Castiel out? And how could he face his best friend after all the crap he'd put him through? After leaving Castiel in Purgatory? Even when Castiel had showed Dean that he'd chosen to stay behind – and Dean felt marginally better at the fact that he hadn't ditched Castiel – he still felt like absolute crap. Sam talking about how Garth was going to protect Kevin and Linda Tran provided a welcome distraction, though Castiel's inattentiveness throughout the whole thing set Dean on edge. Since when was Castel that spacey?
It isn't until a few months later, in Lucifer's crypt, that Dean finally gets his answer.
"What have you done to me, Naomi?" Castiel cries, doubling over. Dean, his bloody face throbbing from the beat-down Castiel has been dishing, freezes.
"Who's Naomi?" he demands. Is this Naomi bitch why Castiel is trying to break his face? "Cas!" He struggles to his knees and puts a hand on Castiel's shoulder but in response, Castiel backhands him into a wall. When Dean tries to punch Castiel, to maybe knock some sense into him, Castiel grabs his fist in an iron-tight grip and twists sharply. Dean lets out a pained cry as his arm shatters, sending lightning bolts of agony shooting up his arm and making him nearly black out. How is he supposed to reason with Castiel? Is this how he's finally going to die? At the hands of his best friend?
As Castiel continues to beat and punch him, turning his face into a bloody display of minced meat, Dean tries to curl in on himself and wait it out, praying for Castiel to just end it and run him through with his blade. But Castiel keeps hitting him and it's all Dean can do not to cry at the pain, both physical and emotional. Physical pain is something that he's used to and he's not going to show weakness when Castiel is already dominating over him.
"You want it?" he spits at Castiel, who simply looks at him blankly. The glazed, empty look in the angel's eyes cuts Dean to his very core. "Take it!" He shifts the tablet that's next to him. "But you're gonna have to kill me first! Come on, you coward. Do it! Do it!"
Is he yelling at Castiel or Naomi? He doesn't know. But Castiel doesn't answer, instead choosing to raise his fist and punch Dean extra painfully. So Dean does the only thing he can do.
He pleads.
"Cas…this isn't you…this isn't you, Cas…" He weakly reaches out for the angel, fumbling to grip his trench coat sleeve. "Cas, I know you're in there…"
Castiel simply raises his angel blade, ready to stab Dean.
"I know you can hear me, Cas…" His voice breaks. "It's me. We're family. We need you. I need you."
Castiel pauses. For a brief moment, Dean thinks he can see something flicker in Castiel's emotionless blue eyes and so, taking a deep breath, he forces out the three words he's wanted to tell Castiel for years.
"I love you."
The clang of Castiel's angel blade falling to the ground rings loudly in Dean's ears and he finally allows himself to groan in pain as Castiel reaches down and picks up the tablet, which begins to glow. Dean weakly tries to shield his eyes from the burst of brilliant white light that's being emitted from the tablet but his broken arm flares painfully, distracting him until the light starts to fade. Castiel is still standing over Dean, staring at him with wide blue eyes.
"Cas?" Dean says. In response, Castiel reaches out for Dean, who tries to scramble back, terrified that Castiel is going to start beating him up again. "No. Cas. Cas!"
Castiel gently cradles Dean's face with one hand. Dean closes his eyes, ready for the smiting that's sure to follow. Instead, a jolt of hot, clean energy surges through him and he gasps when he feels his arm and face immediately begin to heal.
"I'm so sorry, Dean," Castiel says softly. Dean stares up at Castiel in shock, stunned that his words have apparently just broken the angel free of whoever had been controlling him.
"What the hell just happened?" Dean demands, climbing to his feet.
"It was Naomi," Castiel says heavily, not meeting Dean's eyes. "She and her faction pulled me out of Purgatory and then Naomi began to…brainwash me. She told me to kill Samandriel…and you."
Dean stares at Castiel, who is still looking down. To his horror, Castiel looks close to tears and Dean wants to reach out, to comfort Castiel, but he doesn't know how the angel would take it.
"She made me – she made me kill you," Castiel murmurs. He slides to the floor, his face buried in his hands and the tablet cradled in his arms, and Dean follows, kneeling down next to the angel. "Thousands of copies…thousands of times. Until it became second-nature. Until I became…numb. I didn't want to, Dean – please believe me. I'd never willingly hurt you!"
Dean's heart breaks at the pure, raw pain in Castiel's voice.
"Cas! It's cool!" he says. And it is. Castiel can't help the fact that he'd been forced to do all of that crap but even if he had been able to, a small part of Dean is adamant that he deserves it; that his attack just then is simply penance for all the crap he's put Castiel through, and even then it isn't enough. He shoves these thoughts aside for the moment.
"So this 'Naomi' has been controlling you since she got you out of Purgatory?"
"Yes," Castiel says grimly, his face still buried in his hands.
"What broke the connection?"
"I don't know. I just know that I have to protect this tablet now."
"From Naomi?"
"Yes. And from you."
Dean stares at Castiel, stunned. Castiel begin to stand up but Dean's hand shoots up and grabs his sleeve. He has to get Castiel to stay. No way can he let his best friend just walk away again!
"Don't go, Cas." He stands up, grabbing Castiel's other sleeve as well. "Please. Talk to me. We can protect the tablet together. We can hide you from Naomi. We've got a bunker, y'see? It's warded from everything – safest place on Earth, someone said. You can hide the tablet there and I won't even ask where it is. Just – please, Cas. Don't leave us again. Don't leave me again. Not after –" Dean takes a deep breath, aware that he's rambling. "Not after what just happened."
Castiel finally meets Dean's eyes. Dean nearly laughs in relief when he sees the familiar deep blue light, rather than the dull haze of mind control. The angel seems to consider him for a moment before looking down at the tablet.
"Very well, Dean." Dean's heart soars at those words. "If this bunker really is the safest place on Earth then it should be a suitable hiding place for this tablet."
The two of them stare at each other. Just as Dean is deciding that fuck it, he's going to kiss Castiel even if the angel likes Meg and not him, Sam comes barrelling into the crypt and effectively kills the mood.
"Dean! Cas!" he says. "We've got to go. Now."
"Where's Meg?" Castiel says. Dean feels his heart sink a little.
"Holding off Crowley. Look, we have to go!"
Dean grabs Castiel by the arm and pulls the angel out of the crypt behind him but Castiel skids to a halt at the entrance.
"Dude! What's wrong? We have to go!" Dean says, tugging Castiel.
"Crowley," Castiel murmurs. "If he sees me with the tablet, he will target you. He will attack you until he gets it. I – I will fly away until you escape, so that Crowley thinks that the tablet is long gone."
Dean feels a stab of irritation that Castiel is going to leave but at the same time, the plan makes sense. If Crowley sees the tablet, he'll stop at nothing to pry it from Castiel's hands. But if Castiel is already gone then the demon will think that it's long gone, therefore allowing them a slightly better chance of escaping.
"Fine," Dean finally says. "We'll call once we get out. Just – make sure you come, right? Don't go off in the wind."
Castiel gives Dean an almost-smile. Dean's insides flutter.
"Of course, Dean. I'll see you soon."
Castiel vanishes, leaving Dean to run after Sam and send a silent prayer up that Castiel is alright.