Annie wondered what would have happened if she'd never joined the CIA. It was a recurring thought of hers, one that crept up behind her and stabbed her in the back when she finally had a chance to relax. This thought usually laid little thought eggs, which hatched into other questions: what would have happened if Ben had stayed? What would have happened if Auggie had never gone to Iraq? What would have happened if they'd never ever met because Ben was a normal guy and Sri Lanka was just the start of a normal relationship?
She might be married.
She might be a mother.
She might be bored.
The first time she met Auggie Anderson, he put her at ease. She was nervous, jittery, stressed, tense, you name it. And then she walked through that door, and there was this guy who just kind of... He didn't give her the chance to be uncomfortable. He cracked a joke and he kind of had a stupid haircut and he seemed, to her, to be the least intimidating person on the planet. He answered her questions before she asked them. He followed her into the women's restroom and he took her out for a beer, and in no way did he hit on her or question her qualifications, or any of that. He was forgiving and sweet and friendly.
Of course, within a few months, the haircut grew out and she discovered that he was an ass-kicking vet with a complex history, but the first time she met him, he'd been exactly what she needed.
She was too forgiving of men. She knew this. The way she'd done so much for Ben. So much for Jai. So much for Simon and Eyal. She broke her back for the men in her life because she wanted to find someone who could be exactly what she needed. The spy game was sexy. Love and money were factors. She knew her sister wanted to see her married and happy. She wasn't sure what she wanted for herself. But when Annie Walker fell in love, she fell hard. Inadvisably hard. Head-over-heels-over-ass-over-teakettle and she didn't listen to the warnings. She'd really loved Ben, even though no one should ever do what she did for him. She really loved Simon, even though she probably wasn't supposed to.
And then there was the dream. Was it a dream if it was in a coma? Coma dreams were so much more vivid than anything she'd ever experienced. They reminded her of the time she'd tried acid in her sophomore year of high school, except instead of throwing up in her best friend's basement, she'd kissed Auggie Anderson.
It had been so vivid. So ridiculous. So... hard-earned. She wasn't sad to wake up from the nightmare, but she was sad to find that part wasn't real. She'd had a hard time making eye contact for a couple weeks afterward. She'd be lying if she said he hadn't turned up in her dreams from time to time. But at night, it wasn't Auggie she'd longed for, it was Simon. Simon who sacrificed himself for her. Then, it was Eyal who came to her rescue. Who worked his way in again and made her hurt and scream and laugh.
She missed Jai. She missed Simon.
And now, lying in bed with Eyal, halfway across the world from home, she missed Auggie.
Some nights, Annie wished she'd never joined the CIA. That way she'd never have met Auggie Anderson. And she'd never have tortured both of them by making him the man she kept in the back of her mind.