The wind is whipping madly outside, and leafs are sticking to the window from the force. They took 80% of the grain today. It makes me sad, because of I always see starving people and I don't starve because of Antonio and the victor's village.
Antonio won the games on his last year of being eligible. I was only ten, and I remember during the time Antonio was fighting, Lovino didn't move at all from the TV. He cried, too, whenever something happened. He also cried at Antonio's only kill, and I can't understand why because of the girl had shot his hand, and he won.
He never talks about it... both of them. I think they do at night but it's because of they love each other. I don't love anyone. I think a lot of people are jealous of the fact that they have to work and starve, yet I, Lovino and Antonio wear warm clothes and don't have to worry about starving because there's always too much in.
I think I remember starving once. And being made to clean shovels and hoes and rakes until they gleamed in that once sweltering sun. Yes, I used to always be hungry, and so was Lovino and Antonio. It was Antonio who took us in after our Grandpa died. He worked six days a week, fed all of us, and then did it all again. I think that he must be so thankful, winning the games. He doesn't work, my brother doesn't work, and I don't work, either.
I wouldn't be good at working. I'd be rubbish because of Lovi says I have no pyshical strength and I'm dumb… I'm not too dumb, though. I love art and writing and I think I do well, only I tend to just write down my thoughts... But that's the meaning of writing, isn't it? To voice your opinions and thoughts and not be judged. I think I'd be judged by a lot of people it if they knew my thoughts. The peacekeepers wouldn't like me even more. But that's okay because I don't like them; they're scary and mean and once I heard they killed a little boy who was playing with some of their clothing. That's really mean. I don't think we should have peacekeepers, or guns. Some people say that the peacekeepers take more than what they're meant to. That seems like a horrible thing to do. They know that the people who work all the time never get much food.
Lovino is looking at me funny, almost sad. I wonder if it's anything to do with the fact it's almost my birthday, and I'll be fifteen. Maybe he feels old... No, he's only nineteen.
"Five years," He whispers, pulling a painful face. Oh, I know what that means. Now I remember. In three days it's reaping day. Antonio will leave until the end. I'll have to go and see if I get pulled out. I won't, though; there's so many people in my district, and I think that some people have their names in more than once because they can get food if they do.
Fratello worries too much; I'm not getting picked.
"Hey, Lovi, can I have some new paints? Because I accidently put a brush with black on it with the pink, so now it's icky and I can't finish my painting and I'm sad about because the painting was meant to be for-" Lovino glares at me and cuts me off.
"Ask Antonio, idiot." He snaps before glancing at the door, "Where is that damn bastard, anyway?" He says, almost to himself. I still answer him.
"He might be buying alcohol because of we're running out and Antonio likes to drink." I offer. Lovino scowls.
"I know he likes to drink... Fuck, I know. You go off in your little world of fucking... unicorns and I'm left looking after a-" He shuts his mouth, closing his eyes, "Yes, he might be buying stuff, id… Feli..." He whispers, sighing softly. I get up, and look in the cupboard, "Hmm... Do you want some chocolate, Lovi?" I ask, taking some out.
It's a dumb question, really. I know he'll say yes. We both have a sweet tooth, apparently. That's fun because of I'll always eat chocolate and cakes and everything and my tooth won't rot.
"Yes," Lovi responds, holding his hand out, "It's your birthday tomorrow." He states. I give him his chocolate and nod.
"Fifteen... that's the age Antonio-"
"Was reaped as tribute." I finish his sentence, smiling at him. It upsets him. I don't why he has to bring it up. Not yet. Not when there's more important things to discuss that won't make us cry. Things like what kind of cake do I want, and if a canvas will be too expensive even though Antonio will buy it anyway.
Lovino is breathing heavily. He forces a smile, "Yes. And it won't happen to you." He says, quickly opening his chocolate. I smile happily, and I quickly open my bar, munching on it. Lovino knows I'm safe. Finally. As soon as I'm nineteen I'll be safe forever because of I'll be too old. Then we can all just live happily and not worry about the reaping.
The doors bursts open and I'm practically choking on my chocolate bar. Lovino sighs, and passes me a glass of water he had poured for himself earlier. I drink it eagerly, and close my eyes as the chocolate pieces goes down my throat nicely.
"Bastardo, you made him choke," Lovino calls out, and Antonio marches into the room, clutching a paper bag to his chest.
"Oh? Sorry, Feli." He says, rubbing the nape of his neck with his spare hand and smiling at me. I smile back.
"It's okay because you didn't know that we was eating chocolate and that it would scare me... Well a lot of things scare me and that's okay because of most people don't scare me too much I can die." I reply, and Antonio just nods, putting the bag on the counter. He and Lovi share a look, and I know what it means.
Lovino turns to me, and sighs, "Antonio forgot the bread, Feli." He says, and suddenly he looks almost normal. I tilt my head, waiting for money to be put in my hand and to be pushed out the door.
"Sorry, I just wanted to get home and spend time with mi-"
"Shut up. Feli, go get some bread." He said, dishing some money out of Antonio's pocket. I don't want to go outside; they can tell me to go out the room if they want to be alone.
"But we have two loafs in the-" Lovino looks at me, almost desperate.
"You can buy one of those icing bread things if you just go to the fucking baker." He says, and suddenly I end up outside, the prospect of eating an iced bun filling my mind.
I hate going out. Peacekeepers are everywhere, and so is the smell of something toxic. I've heard people say its bodies. But, people say all sorts of scary things. Things like old farmers haunting their past workplaces, ruining the produce out of spite. A girl haunts the flower beds, where she keeled over from exhaustion and hunger.
I think I believe in them. I've never been in a farm, or the other flower beds near the harvest fields. I've never had a reason to go.
The wind is bad. It's warm, though, so I wonder why Antonio wore a coat. People always say that Antonio is cold. I don't think he is because he gets a fever quite often.
I'm scared that one day I'll have to do what Lovino does. Look after somebody. I'm not good at looking after myself. I think I'd prefer it if I stay with Lovino and Antonio all my life. They can't have children, anyway.
People are staring at me. I keep my head down. The peacekeepers are looking at me, too. They don't like us, the people in the Victor's Village, I mean. There hasn't been many for us; Antonio was the third. I hope that one day we'll have the most victors, but people here don't have much time to do anything, I do, but I can't be bothered.
Why should I be bothered about something that I won't ever have do to?
I walk past these people, so thin their bones stick out. I feel sorry for them. I would be like that, if it wasn't for Antonio winning the games. I think, if it wasn't with so much death, people should at least think about volunteering. If you win, you don't starve. I won't volunteer because I'm safe... but, from the way some of people are looking, it's worth it.
The bakers is at the other end of the town. My warm boots clip against the stone town square, the noise echoing. I ignore even more stares. I look too clean, too calm... Too happy for everything.
I'm fifteen tomorrow. My name is in there once. I'll be fine.
My stomach rumbles at me, and walk a bit quicker. I wonder if I'll be allowed to keep the change. I saw an old woman holding a baby earlier, so maybe they can have it. We don't even need to bread. I'll keep the iced bun, though.
There's a cluster of girls, all sharing a cookie. They all look at me, and seem friendly enough. I wave to them, smiling softly. A couple wave back. I hope they won't get reaped in a few days. It'll be sad to see them on the stage.
My stomach rumbles worse as I pass the sweet shop. I love it there, and the chocolate is amazing. They do white chocolate, too, and it's delicious. It was one of the very few things Antonio spoke fondly of during his time being in the capitol. He said the food was amazing, and extremely wasted.
Maybe that's why he looks angry when I or Lovino don't finish our meals. When we say that we're full. When we throw food out. Oh well, Antonio rarely gets angry or looks angry. He even told me once that they in the Capitol throw up just to carry on eating... That does seem selfish, to me, especially since people would kill for just a tiny bit of food here.
The bakers shop pulls me in as I smell the pastry and warm bread.
People who own shops in my district seem poor. Not as poor as the others, but I've a sneaking suspicion that they eat what doesn't get bought. That would be icky because of now, at 11 am, there's only slightly burned pieces of bread left at best. I wonder if the butcher has the fat cuts only to eat.
Still, as I was saying, I suppose it's better than nothing.
I walk cheerfully up to the counter, and fish the money out of my pockets. The woman stares at me strangely... Oh, what's the phrase...? If looks could kill. Yes, that's it. If looks could kill, I think I'd be dead. My smile falters, and I cough nervously.
"It's very cold outside, isn't it?" I say, hoping to make some comfortable talk at the very most. The woman wants to take a different approach... She scowling.
"What do you want?" She asked, almost threateningly. My mouth is closing up and down, and I feel stupid and scared.
"One loaf... one loaf of bread.., and an iced bun, please...?" I ask, putting some money on the counter. She sneers at it, and moves off to get what I've asked for.
People act weirdly. I don't think they always have... But they do now. I think they must feel jealousy towards Antonio, but that doesn't even make sense because of he won it fair and square, and sometimes he even has nightmares to deal with and the wake us all up. I don't like when Antonio has nightmares because it's almost like Lovino does, too. Once, Lovino came downstairs with a black eye. Apparently Antonio thought he was somebody else, and punched him. That was the only time I've ever felt actually scared of Antonio because of who's to say that he won't turn around and kill us?
Of course, I know deep down that Antonio won't hurt me. Or Lovino really. He just gets confused with the nightmares and that makes him angry and he thinks that we're going to hurt so he retaliates. Antonio is a good man; people should get to know him better.
The woman is back, her face still trying to kill me. I force a smile, and watch as she takes the money.
"It's your birthday tomorrow." The woman doesn't even look at me. I raise my eyebrow.
"Yes, how do you know?" I asked curiously. The woman glances at me for a second.
"Your fa- no, Brother's boyfriend came in earlier," She answers my question.
I don't understand why she doesn't just say Antonio. Other people say Antonio. Everybody knows who Antonio is; he goes up onto the stage every year, at the reaping, and gets mention all throughout the Hunger Games. I never have to go to school during the time Antonio's gone. Like in a few days I'll have to take care of Lovi because he always goes silent and watches the screen all the time, even though Antonio isn't in the actual games.
"Oh, Antonio came by? I thought he forgot bread. That's why I'm here, actually, and I wanted a yummy iced bun. I love these things, you know. I always wonder how you-"
"He's buying you a cake. Twenty, he paid. As if it's something to be pushed down the gutter on a spoiled bra- birthday. There's people starving out there, and you just prance around in your pretty clothes and act as if nothing is a matter." She laughs bitterly and for the first time her eyes change emotion. She looks almost sad.
I hastily take my items, and rush out of the shop. I probably haven't given them enough time. Oh well, I'm not staying around here any longer.
Lovino is crying when I come back. He tries to hide his face but it doesn't work. Antonio is hugging him, and I hug him, too.
"I got the bread," I say, putting the bag down on the counter. Lovino stares at me, and nods.
"Thank you, Feli." He replies, and I feel him put an arm around me, if only for a second. Antonio smiles at me, and I feel happy.
"So, Feli, your fifteen tomorrow, eh?" He says, smiling.
"I can't wait because of I'll get sweeties and cakes and maybe even a canvas..?" I say hopefully. Lovino glares at me for a moment.
"Don't ask for too much." He scolds me, and I put my head down. Antonio laughs, and hushes Lovi.
"Nonsense, of course you can have a canvas..." He trails off as he looks out of the window. I and Lovi look, too. There's a squirrel. A little black squirrel. I look at Antonio oddly- and then stop. He's crying.
"Three days..." He whispers. I close my eyes. I want to go back to a few moments ago. Happy moments. Good moments. Please, God. Happy moments!
"Go upstairs, Feli." Lovino points out of the room, and I have no choice but to follow.
I don't go upstairs, though. Instead I press my body to the corner, and listen. It isn't fair, leaving me out of these talks.
"Damn it, Lovino." I hear Antonio say. He sounds angry and sad. Why can't I help make him happier?
"Shhh... Be quiet, bastard! You'll disturb..." He sighs, and I think I can hear a chair being pulled out. Antonio probably is sitting on it, and Lovino is cursing quickly.
"I killed, Lovino. I killed people-"
"Person, idiot. You killed a person. Who was trying to kill you."
"But, it was me who lead those people into that clearing. I wanted to keep them safe. Then, oh god, those things came from nowhere, ripping them-" I hear shuddering breaths.
"Not your fault. It wasn't your fault... You survived, Antonio. Please understand, you survived. Where would I be without you, you damn bastard?" I think I hear them kissing.
Ew.
I quickly go upstairs, trying not to make any noises.
I hate this. I hate it when they have conversations and I can't join in. I remember, too. They pulled me out of school. I had to look after Lovi as he screamed. I glanced at the screen. Antonio was unconscious. But he still won, didn't he? He's a hero, with lots of money. He buys thing for us all. He is kind.
We're looking after him the best we can. He looks after us, too.
I wish that they'd understand that I can handle grown-up talks. I'm not a baby. I'm nearly fifteen. I'm very nearly adult. Why won't they understand that I can do my best in any situation?