The same three words swam around in Caroline's head and, despite her best efforts, she couldn't stop them.
"You've blown it. You've blown it."
Caroline knew as soon as she'd hung up the phone that Kate would be cross but it was done now and she couldn't muster up the courage to undo it. Rather, she hoped that Kate would once more be understanding of her insecurities, but Caroline had tested Kate's resilience once too often and now, what was intended to be a romantic getaway for Kate's birthday, had spiralled out of control from a bad situation to an even worse one.
The actual evening of Kate's birthday hadn't in any way, shape or form resembled what Caroline had hoped it would be when she initially came up with the idea of a "mucky weekend away" (her mother's words), just the two of them. In her head she had imagined them spending a leisurely afternoon in bed making love and then, in the evening, dressing up for a romantic dinner for two. Instead, they had argued and the usually calm Kate had told Caroline, in no uncertain manner, that she, Caroline, had blown it.
To make matters worse, Greg, Kate's one time boyfriend and their potential sperm donor, had turned up for drinks and cheerfully announced that he'd been fortunate enough to book a room in the very same hotel and that he would be able to join them for dinner.
"Lucky them," Caroline thought to herself, the voice in her head dripping with sarcasm.
The dislike between Greg and Caroline was almost instantaneous.
Plans had started to go off course when Caroline had phoned the hotel where she had wanted them to stay. Her call had been taken by someone that sounded intimidatingly like an 18 year old "testosterone-stacked jock" who couldn't spell "Elliot" properly so at the last minute, Caroline, being Caroline, lost her nerve and arranged for two single rooms rather than a double room. Understandably, when they arrived at the hotel and Kate became aware of the situation she was upset and angry. She had been excited at the prospect of spending two whole days and nights undisturbed in the same room as Caroline and she was flattered when she thought that Caroline had come to accept their relationship and acknowledge it outside the house. Now all she felt was disappointment. Mentally, at this point, she departed.
Things rapidly went into a downward spiral from there. Caroline knew at the time that booking two single rooms had been a daft thing to do and she felt completely foolish but she couldn't help it. As she had tried to explain to Kate, she was still struggling with her sexuality and unlike Kate, she wasn't quite ready to announce it to all and sundry. She was still getting used to the whole concept herself of being in a gay relationship. Although the idea wasn't totally foreign to Caroline, it had been a whole other lifetime ago since she'd been with a woman. For the last almost twenty years she'd lived a straight life with a husband, self-centred jerk that he was, two children and a high profile, responsible job. All of that wasn't just going to disappear overnight. Despite the fact that Caroline felt that she loved Kate very much, it wasn't easy for her to switch teams, especially with so many people looking on and ready to judge her…or so Caroline thought. Caroline had hoped, in vain as it turned out, that Kate would understand this and forgive her but this wasn't to be. As far as Kate was concerned, not acknowledging their relationship and what she thought they meant to each other was the last straw and she was done.
Now Caroline was having to endure her planned romantic dinner for two being turned into a raucous university reunion for Kate and her ex-boyfriend, Greg, who by this time Caroline had decided was a complete tosser. The dislike seemed to be mutual as Greg was going out of his way to ignore Caroline and was successful in making her feel like the unwanted third wheel.
Although Kate had assured her that Greg was fully aware that Caroline was her partner, this fact hadn't perturbed him from openly flirting with Kate. It was blatantly obvious to all, especially Caroline, that he was still smitten with Kate and was relishing the thought that he would soon have the opportunity to have sex with her.
"He probably thinks that one night of 'making a baby' with him is all Kate needs to go back to him and forget me forever," Caroline thought to herself. Sadly, Caroline wasn't entirely convinced that he was wrong.
To Caroline's disappointment and annoyance, Kate was flirting back giving him those looks with her fabulous brown eyes and the radiant smile that she usually reserved for her. Caroline was quite convinced that in part at least, it was probably Kate's way of paying her back for the hurt she had inflicted on her earlier but it was more than Caroline could bear. She had tried to gain some proprietorial ground by attempting to hold Kate's hand but, in response, Kate had quickly moved her hand away, out of Caroline's reach.
Eventually Caroline decided that enough was enough and, although she hated to leave Kate alone with this self-absorbed prick, she needed to get up and leave the table now as she feared that if she stayed too much longer there was a very good chance that she might single-handedly strangle him just to stop him talking. Caroline pushed aside her plate of food which she had barely touched and made her excuses to Greg and Kate.
"I'm not feeling very well," Caroline said quietly, "I think I'll leave you two to it and go to my room."
In her heart of hearts Caroline had hoped that Kate would offer to come with her and see that she was alright but Kate's response was a perfunctory smile and a platonic "Goodnight Caroline. I'll see you in the morning." Before Caroline had even fully left the table they had resumed their conversation.
After letting herself into her room, Caroline stumbled to the bed where she sat down. She hadn't been lying. She truly wasn't feeling well. Her head pounded like a bass drum and her heart felt constricted as though someone had it in a tight grip and was steadily squeezing the life out of it…..someone did have it in a tight grip…Kate. In an effort to relieve the pain in her head Caroline massaged her temples. Tears that had been welling up since the early evening like floodwaters behind a dam began to flow in unabated streams down her cheeks followed by body-wracking sobs of sadness and loss. Caroline wilted onto the bed, wrapped the covers around her and hoped for the darkness to swallow her up.
ooo00ooo
Only recently Caroline had been thinking how well it had all been working out for her and Kate, all things considered. Even though Lawrence was giving them attitude and John was still turning up randomly and usually pissed and then there was Celia who could sometimes be a bit of a loose cannon, Caroline was dealing with it all. However, on reflection, Caroline had to admit that it was all very much on her terms…they lived in her house and Kate had agreed to the idea of still driving separate cars to school for "practical reasons" and generally keeping their relationship out of the public eye until Caroline was more comfortable with it all. ..even though Lawrence had informed her in no uncertain terms, that everyone knew.
As Caroline churned all this over in her head she came to the realisation that she had not really had to step out of her comfort zone at all and up until now Kate had accommodated her need for time to get used to this new situation but on the one opportunity she had to show Kate how much she loved her, her insecurities surfaced and she had been a coward. She needed to be braver. She wanted to be braver. With that in mind, Caroline rose from the bed and went into the bathroom where she splashed water on her face in an attempt to wash away the tear stains and freshen up. Caroline looked at her watch. She'd left the table a bit over 45minutes ago. She decided to leave it a bit longer before going to talk to Kate. She didn't want to have to run the risk of having Greg still around. Instead, she turned on the television for the sake of some distracting white noise and tried to fathom how she could rescue this mess.
Half an hour later, Caroline was knocking lightly on Kate's door.
"Kate, it's me. Please open the door. We need to talk."
There was no reply and the door remained closed. Caroline tried knocking again a little more firmly. This time Kate partially opened the door and asked in a subdued tone, "What do you want, Caroline?"
"Can I come in please? We need to…."
From further inside the room there came the sound of another voice.
"Who's there?"
Caroline's features froze. "Is that Greg in your room?"
Kate nodded. "Yes."
"Oh…I'm sorry….I'll go," Caroline murmured embarrassed at the thought of what she may have been interrupting.
"It's not what it looks like, Caroline," Kate offered in a hushed voice.
"Like hell it's not," Caroline spat back, both anger and renewed sadness having risen as she took in what appeared to be happening. She turned and left.
Caroline had been about to head back to her room but decided against that idea and diverted, instead, down to the bar. She was tired of crying which is what she knew she would do sitting in her room alone thinking about her lovely Kate and the obnoxious Greg "making a baby." Her sorrows were in need of drowning and a bottle of red wine would probably do the job nicely.
On reaching the bar, Caroline indicated to the barman which bottle she wanted and then took it and her glass over to the sofa by the fire. It was the same sofa that she had sat in earlier in the evening when she had fallen out with Kate. It made her wish desperately that she could turn back the clock and do things differently. Caroline made herself comfortable and poured a generous amount of the red wine into her glass as she prepared to numb her mind and body of the hurt, even if it was just a temporary measure.
ooo00ooo
Later in the evening, Kate stood outside Caroline's room and knocked on her door. No answer.
"Come on, Caroline, open the door. I know you're upset but you're right, we need to talk."
Still no answer. Kate tried knocking again.
"Has she packed up and left already?" Kate wondered.
She thought about knocking again but decided that if Caroline was inside and was going to talk to her, she would have done so by now so she left it.
Too upset and confused to go back to her room, Kate also headed down the stairs to the bar. She perched on one of the stools and ordered a gin and tonic from the barman. Kate appeared to be his only customer at the moment so her drink was served promptly. As she sat there she smiled despondently to herself as she thought about the clichéd figure she cut ….a heartbroken lover sitting alone at a bar crying into her drink. She also thought about her evening…her birthday. She hadn't wanted to be so seemingly heartless and cruel to Caroline but the anger and disappointment had been building up inside since they had booked in that morning and she'd discovered that Caroline had arranged for them to be in separate rooms. By once again being too cowardly to come out and acknowledge that she and Caroline were partners…lovers… Caroline had hurt her deeply. It was the last straw. Kate was fed up with having to hide their relationship from prying eyes. She wanted the world to know that they were together and not have to restrain herself every time she wanted to hold Caroline's hand or give her an affectionate touch, especially here on her birthday in such a romantic setting. Kate had wanted to shake Caroline and tell her to be brave but instead she'd let the anger seethe until she couldn't bear it anymore and finally vented it on Caroline, telling her that she'd blown it and that they were done. Then Greg had shown up. The time to apologise and make up had passed.
As she slowly downed her drink, Kate's eyes scanned around the almost empty room. Her heart practically skipped a beat when she caught sight of a familiar blonde head over near the fireplace. Kate left her drink on the bar and made her way across the room to the sofa where she found Caroline half lying, half sitting. Caroline had her legs tucked up on the sofa and her head was resting against a cushion she had propped up on the headrest. Her eyes were closed, she was sleeping or at least unconscious. Precariously balanced in her hand was a wine glass that contained the last dregs of the empty bottle of wine that sat on the coffee table in front of her. Kate hesitated to disturb her as she took in the sight of this beautiful woman who had unequivocally stolen her heart. Then, having rescued the wine glass, Kate bent down and gave Caroline's shoulders a gentle shake which caused Caroline to stir but not wake so she tried again.
"Caroline, wake up," she whispered into Caroline's ear.
Slowly Caroline roused from her sleep and attempted to focus her eyes. At first, she was unsure as to whether or not she actually was awake as she saw the unexpected vision of Kate before her.
"Are you alright?" Kate asked as she noticed tears welling in Caroline's eyes.
"Kate, is it really you?" Caroline asked uncertainly. "Where's Greg?" she added as an afterthought.
"Yes, it really is me," Kate replied with a soft smile, "and I don't know where Greg is. Back in his room I suspect."
Relief washed over Caroline as she sat up and dared to reach out and put her arms tentatively around Kate's neck and then rest her head on Kate's shoulder.
"Here, let me take you back to your room and we can talk," Kate offered.
Kate stood and helped Caroline to her somewhat unsteady feet. They stood eye to eye. Caroline moved her hand to the back of Kate's neck and pulled her closer and kissed her, releasing all her pent up longing. Kate eventually pulled away.
Smiling at Caroline, she whispered, "You're creating a bit of a scene, Dr Elliot."
"I find that I really don't care at this moment," Caroline whispered back before renewing the kiss.
The bartender looked up briefly and took in the sight of the two women and then went back to work stacking the glasses.
Kate assisted Caroline, who was still feeling the effects of the bottle of wine she'd drunk, back to her room. Once inside, Kate motioned for Caroline to sit on the bed and then sat beside her. As Caroline sat, she rested her head in her hands. It had been a long, tumultuous day. As she felt the reassuring touch of Kate's arm around her she also felt the ache in her heart subside a little. Kate leaned in close, the effect of her warm breath on Caroline's ear and the faint scent of her perfume was divine.
"I couldn't do it, Caroline," Kate began to explain. "It all sounded fine in theory but when it came down to it I couldn't do it. When I looked at Greg I desperately wanted to see you standing there, your beautiful blue eyes looking at me….I wanted it to be your soft hands caressing me and your lips kissing me."
Caroline looked up at Kate. "Oh Kate, tell me he didn't kiss you," she begged.
"He didn't kiss me, Caroline….honestly, he didn't touch me. I realised before it got to that that I couldn't go through with it."
"How did Greg take it?" Caroline asked cautiously.
"He was a bit taken aback that I had changed my mind but he's fine."
Caroline rested her head on Kate's shoulder for a moment then spoke.
"What are you going to do, Kate? I can't give you this baby that you so desperately want…as much as I'd like to, I can't."
"I realised that having this baby has to be about us….you and me….no third party….well, not one that we know, anyway. There are other ways. I thought that on the way home we might stop in at Marks and Spencers and get a turkey baster. What do you think?" Kate gave Caroline a roguish smile.
"That sounds like a plan I can live with," replied Caroline, returning the smile.
They both sat for a moment in silence contemplating all that had happened that day.
"I'm sorry ….this hasn't been a very good birthday," Caroline began, "I seemed to have messed it up right from the start. I'm just not very good at this. It's not what I had…."
"Stop right there," Kate demanded, "it doesn't matter and besides, you'll get better at it with practice."
Caroline simply nodded in reply. Kate could see she was exhausted and felt much the same way herself. The emotional upheaval of the day had taken its toll on both women.
Caroline lay down on the bed and drew Kate with her.
"I need to sleep. Do you mind staying with me?"
Kate replied by putting her arm around Caroline and drawing her in closely then placing a gentle goodnight kiss on her soft lips. They were both asleep within minutes.
ooo00ooo
The shrill sound of an alarm awoke them the next morning. Reluctantly they arose and prepared to leave.
"I'll go back to my room and pack and then I'll meet you downstairs at reception in half an hour," Kate suggested.
Kate caught up with Caroline as they met at the bottom of the stairs. Much to Kate's surprise, Caroline greeted her with a fabulous, heart-stopping kiss there in the lobby for everyone to see. She then took hold of Kate's free hand as they walked up to the reception desk.
At the reception desk, Caroline went one step further.
"My partner and I would like to stay one more night, please, if you have any double rooms available?" Caroline asked. She turned to face Kate and smiled a little nervously.
"Certainly. If you wait one moment I'll see what we have available," replied the receptionist, unperturbed by the request as she checked her computer screen.
"What about school?" Kate asked, somewhat bemused.
"I've organised for the deputies to take care of things at my end and they'll find a replacement teacher for you for tomorrow," Caroline explained, "it will be fine. One day won't hurt. Are you up for it? "
"Certainly, if you are," Kate answered, "but won't it look a little suspicious us both being away on the same day?"
"I don't care and besides, according to you and Lawrence, everyone knows anyway," Caroline retorted with a smirk, "and if they don't know, I think we should tell them when we get back…if that's alright with you."
Kate was speechless.
"I'm determined to be braver, Kate," Caroline continued, "but I may need your help at times because I'm not very good at this."
Kate leaned in close to Caroline and whispered, "I love you, Caroline, and I'm here for you always."
"Ah, yes, we have a double room available for you, Dr Elliot," the receptionist finally said, "Before I book you in, can I just check…is it 'Elliot' with one 't' or two?"