Sometimes, things are funny.
When I overheard Haymitch say it was ironic that I lost my head figuratively and Finnick lost his head literally, everyone knew that these were not one of those times at all. They knew this because I ran towards him with such ferocity that no one had seen from me. I'm sure they had heard me scream from my quarters at night, but they never heard the words I screamed at him. As Peeta dragged a bewildered, stuttering Haymitch from the room, Katniss grabbed my hand. She could feel me trembling and eventually I swept to ground in a fluid. I could feel myself rocking over and over, rubbing my slightly swollen stomach. I could vaguely make out what Katniss was muttering, but not to whom. Maybe it was me. Maybe it wasn't. I felt a pair of arms pick me up but I just remember the world going grey then setting to black.
The next thing I know, I'm at the hospital. I see wires in my arms pumping something into but I don't know what. At this point, I feel used to waking up in strange places. It's just not remembering the next day that frightens me. I hear voices in the room. I try to place the names to them, but I can't. I try to place their voices to stories I heard not so long ago. I remember a story about a boy with bread, and girl that was on fire but I dismiss these stories. I look around from left to right and want ask Finnick which story is true.
I keep looking, but I don't see him. My right hand goes into fist and I bring roughly it to my forehead. That's when the tears begin and both my hand are struggling to wipe them away. I hear people from the left side of the room come over. A strong hand claps my shoulder.
"Annie" it speaks. " Annie, we're here. What's wrong?"
I look around trying to find the speaker. I see a boy with scars and a mess of blond hair standing over my face. I realize it his hand on my shoulder. I look from his hand back to his face. I stare at him and begin to understand that it's Peeta next me I take a breath and shake my head, and stare past him. Out of the corner of my eye I see him stare across the bed to the person on the other side. I don't even try to turn to see who it is. I know its Katniss. I can't bring myself to speak to them. I think I remember that Katniss was in the hospital. I feel as though she is she still recuperating, and maybe always will be. I begin to remember that she lost her sister. Just another casualty of this war. I remember another instance too that led me to this life I live now.
I remember how watching Kimber get decapitated all those years ago drove me into such sadness that's I hide. I screamed until I thought I could no more. It was only days later I felt the earth move. As if someone had moved something , and in the process, knocked a lamp and it broke; the dam at the edge of the arena broke and water surrounded me. As I swam as hard as I could I couldn't even emit a sound. I could only think of swimming. I don't even remember towards what.
The next thing I knew, I awoke in a hospital, not unlike this with wires filling me happiness. Doctors smiled around me, congratulating me, asking me questions. Though I could tell after the first hour I awoke, I was already confusing them. I could not speak, I could not smile. I didn't until I saw Finnick later that day. All I could do was say his name though. I had always admired him growing up and, and being proud of the way he won his games. I never thought I would be reaped. I never trained to be reaped. But Finnck told me that as my mentor, he would lead me to victory. I knew he was lying. He knew I was a goner. He trained Kimber for years, but never seemed to remember my name. He knew my name at that moment though. He murmured it as I cried. I cried every night during the Victory Tour. Finnick told the Districts that I was sick throughout the tour and I could give speeches. At night, he sat with me as I screamed my way through sleep. I didn't want him there at first. I was embarrassed and thought he would be upset. Eventually, I wanted him to be there. I minded when I woke up with only a note from saying he had to return the Capitol for business. He understood the things I saw, the things I need help reminding are not always real.
I think about these things as I continue to stare in nothing. I feel unbearably sad for so many reasons. I understand Katniss' not wanting to speak. I think am beginning to understand Peeta. I can't even bring myself to think about this baby. I had forgotten until just then. I realize now that's could be why I am in the hospital this time, but who knows. If I hear I lost the baby that wouldn't surprise me at this point.
"Annie" someone whispers. "Can I…come in?"
The voice sounds gruff, but hurt. I feel a shake in my shoulder and I feel forced to look towards the door where the voice came from. In the doorway stands Haymitch carrying what looks like a slightly wilted bouquet of flowers. His unshaven face looks at me apologetically as he shifts back and forth. I take him in slowly. I feel nothing. Finnick had explained Haymitch to me. I only had been around but I knew Finnick's description ofa hopeless drunk. I look at him standing there nervous and laugh.
I know everyone is looking around awkwardly as I continue to laugh without even looking. I know this is what they do. I accept it. Haymitch seems to take my laughter as a good sign and steps in. Katniss walks over and grabs the flowers shaking her head at him as she walks away. She puts them on the night stand next to me and resumes her vigil next to me. Someone takes a breath, but we stay silent for a few minutes.
"Annie, I'm sorry for what I said. I just…I don't know. I was wrong." Says Haymitch.
I only nod my head. I don't care right now. I'm thinking about my baby. It really just dawns on me that I'm pregnant. The fact no one mentions it frightens me. No one is telling me I lost it. They think I'll go crazy. I raise my hands to my ears and begin to wail.
There's commotion, but there always is. Someone calls for the doctor. I hear Peeta beg for something to Katniss while she refuses. I don't where Haymitch is because his voice sounds so very far away right now. I hear Katniss breathe a word of assent and she takes me hand. I hear her gentle singing voice, the one I hear so rarely slowly begin. I don't know the words she says. It's something about sleeping in a meadow. I don't know. There are not many meadows by the sea.
It calms me though. Singing always has. Before my Games I would sing during my chores. Late at night when the nightmares came, Finnick would sing to me the songs our District to protect me. I wonder if Finnick ever told Katniss that. It was like he knew would do it.
Eventually the doctor comes in as my breathing returns to normal. He holds a clipboard with my name on it. He gives me a smile and nods to Katniss who is sitting in the chair next to my bed. Wordlessly she gets up and he sits. The doctor looks at my blotched face and smiles. From his pocket he pulls out a handkerchief and wipes remaining tears from my eyes.
"It's good news. Your baby is safe. Within the next month or two we will be able to tell whether you're having a boy or girl." says the doctor as he gets up.
"We'll run some more tests, but we think and the baby will be just fine" He gives me a smile and like that, he's out the door. Almost at once Katniss is on me.
"Why didn't you tell us you were pregnant?" she cries. I'm not sure how to respond. I only had a suspicion the day before Finnick left with group on a mission. I he was the only one I told. He cried when I told him, and placed his hand on my stomach. I told him I wasn't sure or not, and that he would have to come back to find out.
But now he won't . Now I'll raise this baby alone without even Mags around for guidance. I don't feel the tears but I guess I'm crying because everyone is on me again trying to soothe me. I hear Haymitch cough and I look towards him.
"The other reason I'm here is tell you that we need to stay in the Capitol for a few days. " he begins, waiting for my reaction. I nod to at least indicate I heard him and he continues. "It seems Coin's wants us here for a few last minute decisions on the execution." He says the world softly, as though the word itself will send me into a fit. It doesn't. It just reminds me that this war is still not over.
"Alright, I will. I need to ay this out. Not just for me, but for Finnick." I rub my stomach as I look down.
"That's good." replies Haymitch and he begins to walk out the door.
"Oh and Annie" he says looking back at me. I look at him waiting what he has to say next.
"You'll be a fine mother." He says simply and begins to leave.
Sometimes things are funny.
Sometimes they are not.
As I start to laugh, I am at first unsure of what it is. Soon enough though Peeta joins in and so does Katniss. They are hollow chuckles that slowly turn into real laughs. May be it feels good for them to laugh. Maybe they are used to me laughing at odd times they just ant to respond this way.
I laugh because those were the last words Finnick told me as he walked at the door to finish the war. I laugh because now there is irony. I laugh because in know I will truly lose my mind when this baby comes and the one person I want to see will be smiling back at me through our baby's eyes.