Elena sat at the fire, hands folded on her lap. She thought that maybe crying would make it all better. But she knew that it would make it that much worse. Because, in order for her to cry, she'd have to think of all the reasons she felt guilty, and why she was there alone, drowning in her thoughts.
Stop thinking she told herself. With each thought came immeasurable pain. The pain she caused, that made her ache. Stop Elena she willed herself, but the thoughts just kept pouring. Before she could blink away the tears building in her eyes, the sound of someone approaching made her pause.
Just barely lite by the glow of the flames, Damon's face appeared in the shadowed door way, his expression, indecipherable. He gave off no emotion, no clues as to what he might have been thinking. When Elena's lips parted, no words fell. Slowly, she closed her mouth.
"I know it's hard for you Elena," Damon said in a whisper. She shook her head, knowing he had no idea what it was like.
"Damon," she breathed out. Yet, her words were taken from her and silence fell over the room once again. Instead of speaking, Damon sat directly across from Elena with his elbows on his knees and face coved by his hands. His breathing was steady, but his heartbeat was wild.
Elena hated how still the room was. It was almost like everything in time was paused, and for a moment, she found herself wishing it was. She wished that she could just pause her life and have just a little more time to let everything settle in.
Silas had pretended to be Stefan this whole time. What was wrong with her? How could she not know that it wasn't Stefan after everything? It just made her heart swell even more. The guilt she felt couldn't be put into words. She still could hear Stefan's voice when he walked into the Salvatore house after being in the safe, underwater, dying, and resurrecting a million times.
"Stefan," Elena sat up quickly when she heard the door open, and the familiar scent of Stefan filled the house. It had been missing all summer, but only now did she notice. As she walked over to him, she saw the pain in his eyes. As if he was reliving his life in the safe. Elena reached out to just touch him; to remind herself that this was really him. She wanted to just feel him because she just now realized how much she missed it. "Stefan, How are you feeling-"
Stefan backed out of her reach, and stared at the floor. "Elena, no." The words were thick in the air. Caroline appeared behind him carrying the smell of blood. She had refused Elena to see Stefan after she found him that morning, and ordered that he fill up on blood before he see anyone. Damon had escaped, though. He disregarded Caroline's order and found Stefan to make sure he was alright. When Damon came home rubbing his jaw, Elena knew that this moment would be hard.
Caroline walked in front of Stefan and gave Elena apologetic eyes. Elena just nodded. She looked foolish right now. The girl who was so deeply in love with Stefan was so caught up in her own life to realize he was gone. He was gone. The whole summer. Elena felt empty. She felt shallow and selfish; all the things that Stefan taught her not to be, and respected about her because she wasn't. But that girl was "gone". Elena punched herself mentally for saying that, because right now, she hated that girl. The girl who was sired to Damon. The girl who ruined everything.
Stefan turned to walk up to his room when he suddenly stopped. Caroline looked at him puzzled, but he didn't look back at her. Instead he turned and looked deep into Elena's eyes. So deep, Elena felt herself glued to that spot, unable to move. Unable to look away.
"Do you want to know what happened in that safe?" He said with hard eyes. He was trembling, but his voice was even. "Do know what I thought of, what I hallucinated when I was dying a thousand times?"
Elena shook her head, and let the tears fall without blinking. There was something in his stare that kept her staring back. Something that forced her to stay in that spot.
Slowly, the words fell out of Stefan's mouth and echoed in Elena's head. "I thought of you," his eyes shook with tears. "I remembered when we first met. I replayed all of our memories in my head, felt every kiss on my lips." He took a deep breath before going on, not caring that Elena's tears were streaming down her face. "I hallucinated you. You lying next to me, you saying you loved me." He let out a harsh laugh before he added "I even hallucinated that you saved me."
"Stefan, come-"Caroline tried to pull him away, but he pushed against her and went on.
"And I can't believe I even considered that maybe, just maybe, you'd know. That maybe the guy that you fell in love with so long ago, wasn't the same." His voice was rising, and Elena found herself sobbing. "That maybe you'd find me, and save me. That'd you'd see it was different." Stefan paused, allowing himself to breathe.
"Do you want to know the worst part?" Stefan asked. Elena didn't answer, because her throat was too dry to even swallow. "The worst part was I liked it. I wanted more. I wanted to stay under the water dying over and over just so I could be with you." His voice descended as he finished the statement. "Isn't that crazy?"
When Caroline saw Elena's eyes, she knew she had had enough. "Stefan, let's go. You need to sleep."
"Stefan, I-"Elena finally tried to say, but Stefan shook his head.
"Save it," he said. As he turned, he wiped stray tears from his eyes. When he was finally out of sight, Elena fell to the ground letting it all sink in. She hated herself more than she hated anyone. She felt guilt, and pain, and anger. But mostly she felt numb. On her knee's, almost drowning in her tears, Elena felt weak against the world. She felt helpless without Stefan.
Elena flashed back to reality, where Damon sat in the same position. She had no intention to talk about what she was thinking, but she knew she had to.
"Damon," she began slowly. Damon's hands parted from his face, and he looked up to the now speaking Elena listening intently. "I love you. You know that?"
Damon just nodded, and allowed her to go on.
"You make me feel so free, and happy, and," she laughed a little. "And open. You help me take these risks that I couldn't imagine taking. You-you," her words were caught in her throat. "You make me smile."
"I know," Damon said. Elena wished he'd look at her so she could tell what he was thinking.
"When we met, you mistook me for Katherine," Elena thought the words through before she said them. "I feel like you still don't know who you want." Damon didn't reject, he just watched the flames flick on the burning wood. "I feel like," Elena stopped, knowing she was going to cry. "I feel like you want me to be Katherine."
"Elena," he finally said, but when Elena gave him the silence to talk, he just shook his head.
"I know you love her," she whispered, staring at her hands. Her eyes flicked up to see Damon's reaction and she was surprised to find his eyes on her. "I see the way you look at her."
Damon nodded, "I don't know what it is. She's different. She's Katherine minus the bad. She's everything I loved when I was human." He stopped and turned back to the promising flames. "Everything I love now." He admitted to himself.
"I know you kissed her," Elena finally willed out.
Damon's eyes fell to the ground.
Elena nodded, letting a tear fall on her lap. "I was in love with you Damon. I want you to know that. But seeing Stefan. Something just clicked." She took a shaking breath, "Like it all became clear. Stefan being gone… it made me realize that I can't live without him Damon. And, I'm not saying I can live without you, because I can't. But with Stefan, it's unbearable. Like realizing it wasn't him the whole time makes me," when Damon found Elena crying, he decided to sit next to her. He wrapped his arms around her, and she buried her head in his shoulder.
"I love him Damon," she said, her small voice muffled by Damon's shoulder. "I'm in love with him."
"I know," Damon whispered in her head. "I know."
When Elena backed up to look at Damon, she saw a few tears were streaming down his face. "It's always going to be me and Stefan," Elena said, beginning to shake.
"That's okay," Damon nodded, giving off just enough of a smile to make Elena feel a little better. "It has to be this way." He finished.
Elena just nodded, too tired to speak more. Damon kissed Elena on the head making it last for a few moments' knowing that this was it. He loved Elena, with everything he had. And it was painful for him to finally release the kiss and walk upstairs, but he knew it was the right thing. Because it was always going to be Stefan for Elena.
Katherine was at the top of the stairs, her head leaning on Damon's door frame as she sat, asleep in the doorway. When Damon took the final step from the stair, Katherine rustled and woke up. She quickly stood, and held her head.
"I wasn't listening if that's what you think," Katherine stammered.
"It's over," Damon said as he slowly walked into his room. When Katherine raised an eyebrow, Damon elaborated. "Me and Elena are over."
"Oh," Katherine finally said, standing, looking at Damon. She couldn't help but want to just jump on him then and there. They could be together now, but something told her not to. It was something called a conscious. She didn't like it, but she listened to it. "How are you taking it?"
"Like I should have taken it long ago," Damon poured himself a drink, then walked into the bathroom and poured it out. Katherine watched in amazement. He never did that before.
"What do you mean?" She said walking closer to him.
"I'm taking it like a big boy," Damon said walking past her.
"Does she know?" Katherine said, without having to go on. Damon nodded.
"I told her I loved you. That you were everything I wanted as a human and now. And she knows we kissed," He said as he sat on his bed. Katherine didn't move. She didn't know what to do.
"Was she mad?" Katherine finally said.
"Nope. She understood. Just like I understood she belongs to Stefan,"
"If he ever takes her back," Katherine said, walking to the opposite side of Damon. He gave her a look, and she shrugged. There was a short silence before Katherine said. "What does this mean for us?"
Damon looked ahead of him, and said "I don't know," his look, just like his words. But he turned to Katherine and said. "But we'll see."
Katherine smiled, and turned walking out of the room. Before she left, she turned and smiled. "That's enough for me."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Elena sat downstairs, hearing every moment of Katherine and Damon's conversation. She was surprised she didn't feel hurt. She felt happy. Damon deserved to be happy, and that was all Elena wanted for him.
The energy seemed to drain out of Elena as she found herself falling asleep on the couch. Slowly, she fell into a deep sleep. Secretly, she hoped she didn't have to wake up to face everything. She knew she had to though. So she gave herself up to the night, and began dreaming almost instantly.
It was dark at first. Fuzzy colors spanned across Elena's vision as her eyes adjusted to the sudden light. Leaves rustled in the wind as sunlight danced between each crack in the trees. Sounds of birds were in the distance, but other than that Elen a thought she was all alone.
"You probably don't want to lie down during training," Stefan said as he walked from behind a tree. In his hand, he held a bow and arrow. She remembered this day. Déjà vu hit her hard when she realized this memory of her and Stefan. It was reformed however, to the situation now, confusing her. But she played along.
"I know, I was just taking a break," as Elena stood, she could feel the leaves in her hair. Instinctively, she reached behind her to take then out but Stefan had already been there doing the job himself. He plucked the leaves out gently, giving Elena chills. She felt his hot breath seep to her neck making her hairs stand.
"You're doing good," he said as he turned Elena toward him. The way his hands grazed the small of her back made her ease up and relax. She knew that in his arms, she was safe.
"Well I have a good teacher," Elena gave Stefan a small smile before his lips were placed on hers. She hooked her arms around Stefan's neck, pushing deeper into the kiss. She missed the way he felt. But there was something wrong that she couldn't shake. She backed away from Stefan, who was looking in her eyes deeply.
Suddenly, Elena felt a sharp pain on her back. The pain got deeper and deeper as it spread across her body. When her hands roamed to her back where she found the arrow Stefan had been holding was stabbed in her now bleeding flesh. She looked up at him, his face with a devious smirk.
"How could you even say you loved Stefan when you don't even know who he is?" Elena looked up to find Damon standing above her. She hastily tried to take out the arrow when she realized it was wood. She screamed in pain when she tugged it.
"No, no, no," Damon said, walking behind her pushing it deeper into her. "Now, we don't want that to happen now do we?"
"Silas," Elena managed out of her throat.
"Bravo," he said as he walked around Elena. Suddenly, he was Stefan again. "So tell me. Why did you leave Damon?"
"Get out of my head!" Elena yelled.
"Get out of your head?" Caroline was now standing in front of her. "You're dreaming Elena. This has nothing to do with me. This is your own guilt eating you away."
"Stop!" she yelled. Elena tried to pull the arrow out again when she realized Bonnie bending down to her.
"And since we are letting all that pain out, I bet you can't help but blame yourself for my death," Bonnie laughed. "If you just kept your little brother safe instead of being so caught up in the other Salvatore."
"Please," Elena cried.
"What about me?" Aunt Jenna was walking circles around her. Elena looked up in surprise, remembering her aunt. Tears streamed down her face. "I died for you Elena. For no reason, too. I could be alive. I would have kept Jeremy safe."
"I'm so sorry," Elena couldn't believe her eyes when her mother stood now with crossed arms.
"You're a monster! Me and you're father are very disappointed. If you just stayed home for family night, I'd still be here. We'd still be a family."
"Mom?" Every deep breath Elena took was followed by pain. Alaric passed in front of Elena tapping his chin.
"I should have killed you when I could. You were the worst of them all, Elena. You helped the vampire's, and now you're one of them."
"A monster," Alaric's face turned into Connors.
"This isn't real!" Elena yelled again.
"Oh yes it is," Elena found herself looking at this woman. "All this pain your feeling is the only real thing you have. You're not Elena anymore, the loving sister, friend, daughter, and girlfriend. Jeremy doesn't know who you are. You killed Bonnie, and even affected Caroline's life and death. You're parents are gone, also because of you. And as for Stefan? You can't even tell if he is Silas or your old flame. Pathetic."
"Katherine," Elena whispered.
"Wrong again," she smiled. "I'm you. I'm Elena Gilbert."
"Why are you doing this?"
"I'm not doing anything. This is all you," she whispered.
Elena squeezed her eyes shut, and opened them quick. The room was dark except for a small light from an unknown source. The only thing lite in the room was Stefan's face next to her. He smiled at her and kissed her forehead.
"You had a nightmare," he whispered in her ear.
"Yeah. I did. It was horrible. There were so many people, and I-" Elena began, but Stefan stopped her.
"I know," Stefan said.
"I just need to go outside," Elena said about to sit up when she found she had been trapped. All around her, there were walls that seemed to close in. When she looked at Stefan, he seemed to fade. "Stefan! Don't leave!" she screamed.
Water poured into the box. Every inch of the box was being filled by ice water around her. When Elena tried to scream nothing came out. She was emerged, her lungs stinging before she finally gave up.
Sweat coated Elena's body and her hair stick to her collarbone. Her eyes rapidly blinked, and she took fast breaths to remind herself she wasn't drowning. When her heart rate slowed, Elena looked around and wiped her forehead. There was on person she needed to see.
And she had to fast.
XXXXXXXXXX
Stefan sat in the Salvatore library when Elena appeared in the door way. He knew she was there, yet he remained looking at the book he was reading, hoping and praying that she'd walk away. After a few moments of silence, Elena found it in herself to say something.
"Hi," it wasn't much, but to her it was enough because Stefan turned in the chair and lowered the book. His green eyes gave off a cold look, but she ignored it and took a step closer. Her arms were awkwardly hanging from her body. Like all of her, she didn't know what to do with them.
"What Elena?" Stefan asked flat out. She knew he wouldn't be in any mood to talk to her. She knew that he had felt pain during the summer without her. A pain she'd never know. She could only imagine it, and even that was hard for her to do.
"We need to talk Stefan…" She trailed off knowing what was coming when she said those words.
"About what Elena?" Stefan slammed the book shut, making Elena jump. "There is nothing to talk about here. Everything I said yesterday is over. All those feelings I have are gone. You're not the Elena I love, and you've made it clear. You made it clear when you chose my brother over me. You made it clear when you believed Silas that whole summer. But you made it crystal clear when you couldn't even speak to me. When I walked into the doors, all you could do was cry. Well I don't want your cries. I don't want your "I'm sorry's" or your "Stefan's" because I'm sick of it Elena."
"I know Stefan," Elena's voice cracked, but she forced herself not to cry. Not right now. "I know what I did was horrible, but-"
"There are no but's Elena!" Stefan raised his voice, and Elena looked down at her hands. "You can't even imagine what it was like down there Elena. You don't know any of it! You think you do, but you-"
"No Stefan!" Elena cried out. "I have no idea how it was like to die and live and die and live and to drown in water a thousand times, being tortured. I don't know what it's like to know I'll never have blood or to loose complete faith in the people I loved. I have no idea what it's like to think someone's saving you when you really know in your mind they are with someone else, not even realizing you're gone! I have no idea what that feels like Stefan. But I can feel this; I can feel every moment without you burning a hole into me. I can feel hollowness knowing that you were suffering while I was with Damon. I can feel guilt eating me away every time I think of you. Because it wasn't till the moment you walked in that it all crashed down on me that it was true. It was that moment of seeing you again, the real you, and having all breath taken from me. I'm suffocating, Stefan, in myself. I'm drowning in tears. Every night I go to sleep I dream of being in that safe, and no, I can't imagine what it was really like, but that image of you laying next to me there was reassuring. Then you'd disappeared and I'd wake up. And it's then that I realize you couldn't wake up. You stayed there and keep drowning, and kept starving. And I feel nothing but pain. Agonizing and unbearable pain. Because I love you Stefan. Because realizing you were gone helped open my eyes to what was in front of me. I can't live without you, and this just proves it. I've done stupid things and made stupid choices and I've become an opposite of the girl you love, but I love you. I'm in love with you. I have been this whole time. And all that pain you felt will never be in comparison to mine but…" Elena took a needed breath and the many tears kept streaming down her face. "I just needed you to know that.
Stefan's eyes shook as his stare switched to Elena and the floor waiting for her to finish. Stefan was speechless, not knowing what he felt. She had said so much. Playing this moment in his head went a lot different than the actual outcome.
"I understand if you don't want to see me, okay?" Elena said, folding her arms after she wiped away another tear. "I just… I'll go."
Elena turned to the exit and began walking. He footsteps seem to echo around the house and play back to her. She felt her chest tighten thinking of Stefan's face again, but she held her breath until she got out of the room.
"Elena," Stefan said from behind her. She turned, and right when she did, Stefan's body was pressed against Elena's, his lips to her. When she finally realized what was going on, the hunger in her kiss grew and she wrapped her arms around Stefan, feeling and remembering him. She wanted to touch every inch of him, and taste him more. One of Stefan's hands pushed Elena closer to him from the back while the other grabbed the back of her neck delicately but firmly. It's all real, he said to himself, letting the moment skin in further. He pushed Elena closer, tasting her tongue. Elena melted in Stefan's touched as the puzzle piece that had been missed was put back into place.
Because that is what Stefan and Elena are. They are the last puzzle piece to each other's own puzzle. They fit together perfectly; they complete each other. Endlessly and effortlessly. They were soul mates in the purest form. Driven by hope, love, danger, and anything in between, Elena and Stefan were meant to be. When you love someone, you can't walk away. It will always be them.
Because that kind of love never dies.