A/N: So, I was asked by someone to make a follow-up to my story, Hole, in Edward's perspective. Took me long enough, but I did it. I recommend you read Hole first, but if you don't, oh well - I think you'll get the jist. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series.
Bella... why?
I ask myself that question every day, and I always come up with the same answer... me.
From the moment Alice first told me what Bella had planned on doing, I refused to believe it. I refused to believe that my Bella was going to end her life, though deep down I knew it was my fault. If I hadn't been stupid to think that being away from her was the better thing to do, then maybe Bella would still be alive and I wouldn't be a shell of myself.
Bella has been dead for two months now, and I haven't been the same. Every night I go to rest, all I see is a paste white Bella leaning weakly against my bedroom wall, about to stab a shard of glass into her wrist. It just gets worse from there. My mind must hate me incredibly because even the smallest details are replayed - whether it be how chapped Bella's full lips were, how tiny droplets of blood seeped from her wound every two seconds, or how her last tears from her bloodshot chocolate brown eyes stained her beautiful face. Just thinking of it now hurt my not-beating heart.
"...Edward?" A soft, tinkling-like voice brought me out of my thoughts, but I was still more preoccupied with myself than Alice. I merely looked at her before staring out the window in my room, looking at nothing particular in the woods. I barely noticed her presence appear beside me until she gently laid her hand on my shoulder. I involuntarily flinched, not used to the feel of someone pressing their skin against my own, and in turn brought painful memories of Bella back into my mind. The way her warm skin felt flushed right against mine cause a sharp shiver run down my spine.
"Ed, we're all worried about you. It's been two months now and you've barely been out of this room. We all understand you're mourning.... but I don't want to lose you, Edward. You're the person I'm closest to, besides Jazz. I feel as if I don't even know you anymore; like you're a ghost-"
"I may as well be," I interjected rudely, the tone of my voice flat. I'm sure if it surprised me, it must have surprised Alice as well. I felt her hand slide slowly off my shoulder and the small amount of weight that was added to my couch left. I turned my head to the side a little, catching a glimpse of Alice's miniature figure out of the corner of my eye; she looked worn down, something drastic and not normal for my sister. Maybe she was right.
"You know, this is pointless. Everyone else said you wouldn't come through; that coming to talk to you was worthless. But I had faith in you. I guess I was wrong for once," Alice said with an air of strong disappointment in her voice. Before I could even think of forming a sentence, she was idling at the door. She turned around for a minute before sighing quietly to herself.
"You're the one who always tells us that 'this is what Bella wanted' and 'Bella wants me alive', but are you really? Do you think that she would have wanted you to be living like a ghost? Though, I'm sure she would expect it, she wouldn't want it either. Just think about that." With that, she vanished out of my room. My heart gave a painful twinge at the mention of Bella's name... it always hurt to hear it spoken aloud. It didn't bother me too much to think about her name, but it hurt so much more to hear someone actually say it. But Alice was right as much as I hated to admit it.
Knowing Bella, she would have scolded me for acting as I was. Hell, she may have even done worse than scold me. Bells was never one to take things from people, or let people give themselves up, yet she had no hesitation to do so herself. If there was anything I hated about Bella, it was just that - her selflessness. Never try to tell her that you were planning on doing something that could hurt you because you would just end up being yelled at for being so thoughtless of the people who cared for you. So sadly, this would count as one of those times. I just can't help it though! Bella was my life, my everything; how do you expect me to move on?
I know: get over it? Yeah, right. Most people who lose a husband or wife take at least a couple of months to get over losing their beloved, but I like to say I'm a special case. I've lived for over one hundred years, yearning for something to fill my life and give it meaning. Enter Bella, that one thing that changed my life forever and gave me a reason to feel like I have a soul; like life mattered. So you try to tell me to get over this and move on after going through everything I've been through in my life.
Suddenly in a flash, my name was called in an airy whisper. My head shot up from its position and I searched around the room for the source. The voice sounded way too familiar for me to just let it go and act like I merely heard the trees against my windows.
I hurdled off the bed and leapt out of the window before I could even realize what I was doing. All I knew was I had to follow the voice, her voice. God, what had I turned into? She was dead, and I was following something that sounded like her voice as if I were some crazed love sick puppy... which wasn't completely false.
Somehow, I ended up in our meadow. For the umpteenth time that day, my heart twisted painfully in my chest as memories of us in the meadow invaded my mind. I place one cool finger upon my temple, trying to push the images out, but they just grew stronger as multiple whispers of my name flooded in. They just played over and over again, taunting and teasing me with the warm sound of her voice, but I could only take so much before cracking.
"STOP!" I roared at the sky, loosening my hands from the sides of my head. Since when were they there, and since when was I crouching? Pushing my thoughts aside, I stood from the position I was in and looked straight into the perfect, cloudless sky.
"Why am I hearing your voices, Bella? Why are you teasing me like this? I'm trying to let go of your death; to move on, but all you keep doing is holding me back! I don't want to live like this, but I had to go and be a fuck-up, didn't I? I had to go and make you kill yourself because your life was over." Soon, I found myself down on my knees and my hands covering my eyes. "I just want to find a way, any way to live this hell-like life without you... but I don't think I can do it. I just can't."
"Yes, you can." A strong, yet warm voice said from behind me. I knew that voice. I immediately tensed up and spun around faster than the human eye could see, but this was no human... this was Jacob Black. He looked a bit more rugged than he did last time I saw him, but that was to be expected seeing as he was a werewolf and all. But something else changed about him. His eyes seemed tired and his features worn.
"What are you doing here?" I hissed.
"I was in the neighborhood," he said with a nonchalant tone. I wasn't sure to take that seriously or as a joke, but I grimaced all the same.
"That doesn't explain anything to me."
"Well, I could hear you calling to whatever Gods you blood-suckers worship from a mile away, so I thought I'd investigate. Lo and behold, you were screaming to Bella's ghost. Lemme guess... you're hearing her voice, too?" Shocker, I must say. So I wasn't hallucinating.
"How-"
"It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, Edward. Either ghosts really exist, or we're both just going insane. But the voices for me quelled a long time ago," Jacob explained as he took a seat on the withered blades of grass, munching on something he held in his hand. It smelt like raw steak.
"Why did they stop?" I asked, my voice somehow weak.
"Because I finally accepted Bella was gone and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, or bring her back. Granted, I wasn't as emotionally attached to her as you were, but it's the same premise. Once you come to realize that some things happen for a reason and that ending your life does nothing except cause turmoil to those around you. You and I both know Bella would not want you killing yourself over her, let alone anyone. She'd want you to attempt to live your life... though yours never ends. That's beside the point." I couldn't help but roll my eyes at Jacob's small word mash-up, but oddly enough his words struck home with me... to an extent.
I nodded my head slowly and turned to face away from him, and almost a ghost-like projection of Bella appeared in front of me. A tiny smile graced her beautiful face, her chocolate eyes beaming with joy and love as she reached a hand out to me. I stared at her, almost not wanting to believe what I was seeing, but the state that my mind was in couldn't help it. I reached my own hand out to even just gently grace my hand against hers, but a blazing hot hand latched out on my arm and stopped me from doing so.
"Edward, no!" Jacob yelled, pulling me away from the apparition. It vanished as soon as I took my eyes off of it, my heart sinking down to the pit of my chest. I wanted right then and there to destroy Jacob; to tear his head right off of his body. But something oddly held me back.
"Let go of me," I growled, yanking my arm from his grasp and shoving him back, hoping desperately for the apparition to reappear. Color me pathetic, but the way my heart felt for that moment… I would do anything to feel like that again. Jacob was persistent, though, and just put his hand around my arm, giving it a warning squeeze. The heat from his skin smoldered against my cold, marble skin. I could have sworn I even heard a quiet sizzle. I grabbed his wrist, crushing it under my grip as I turned around, a low snarl ripping from my chest as a warning sign.
"If you don't let go of me, I will tear you apart bit by bit and give the remains to your father."
"If I let go of you, you'll be tempted by your loneliness again. That wasn't Bella – it was a figment of your imagination. You need to pull yourself away from what draws you into loneliness or you'll find yourself on a circular path," Jacob said quietly, his voice soft as if he were trying to console me. It failed miserably. I merely yanked my arm away from his grasp once more, a scowl on my face before darting off into the forest. I care if I was depressed for the rest of my life – I needed something to soothe the ache in my heart, even if it wasn't real.
I ran for what seemed like forever, somehow ending up at some random cliff in La Push. For some reason, it felt oddly familiar to me, but nothing was ringing a bell inside my head. Then she appeared. This time, under the clouded sky, I could see the apparition better. Her chocolate hair was cascading down her waist, ending just above her naval, and it was in loose waves. Instead of the loving look in her eyes from before, they had a glum tint to them, as if this was a place that plagued Bella's memory in a bad way unlike our meadow. A sudden gust of wind caused the sun dress she was wearing to blow violently in the wind, as well as her hair. She looked at me, offered a weak smile, and extended a hand once more.
"Come to me Edward… let me know you're here," a ghost-like version of Bella's voice called out to me. At this point, I was in a complete trance and didn't hesitate to reach out and grab Bella's hand. Surprisingly enough, I could grab it, but it felt close to nothing. Bella smiled at me again before falling back off the cliff. I fell on my knees with a gasp, not expecting her to let go. I stared down at the raging, foamy waters as they pelted against the rocks mercilessly. Once more, I felt my heart drop. There was no sign of her.
"BELLA?" I yelled, but with no luck. I realized I must have looked crazy yelling at the air, but I felt as if I were going insane. Maybe Jacob could go on without her… but I had serious doubt that I could. My life felt so empty; incomplete without Bella there. Unfortunately for my damned self, I couldn't just jump of the looming cliff in front of me to kill myself, or simply jab a shard of glass into my skin… it was much more complicated than that. I didn't want to get the Volturi involved and I knew for a fact my family wouldn't help me, so this meant I had to turn to our worst enemies – the Wolves.
I must have really been desperate to deploy help from the Werewolf tribe in La Push. No vampire in their right mind would want to walk right into a trap and be mauled by wolves, but I really wasn't in my right mind. All I could see was Bella and meeting her wherever she was, whether it was heaven or hell. Granted, I had no chance of seeing her if she was in heaven, but at least I'd be out of my misery.
Stomping up to a house that reeked like dog, I didn't even have to knock on the door before a pack of wolves greeted me at the door.
"Can we help you, Mr. Cullen? You know you aren't allowed on our lands-"
"I really could care less about some stupid treaty, Sam. I came here for a reason, knowing I'd break the treaty. So, punish me," I said with a blunt tone to my voice, spreading my arms to either sides of my chest as if to say 'come and get me'. The dark wolf in front of me morphed into a tall, russet man whose face showed the age of someone who was in their late twenties. A dark look crossed his handsome face as he crossed his arms over his lanky chest.
"I'm not going to kill you, Edward. That'd be just as bad as killing a human, or someone innocent," Sam said simply, his voice stern.
"Have you been ignoring Jacob's thoughts lately, or do you not realize Bella killed herself; because of me for intensive purposes? I can't live like this anymore Sam. I need the pain to end." A pained look crossed his face as he looked between the other wolves, who seemed to be in deep thought.
"No, we've heard. It has pained Jacob extensively to deal with Bella's suicide, but he has been able to pull through. I believe-"
"Don't give me the same damn spiel that Jacob gave me about me getting through this. I can't; I won't. I'm seeing apparitions for God's sake! I'm literally going insane! My heart can't take another minute of being without Bella," I interjected once more, the tone of my voice changing drastically from angered to exasperated and weak. I felt my shoulders slump and without a word, Sam retreated back into his home, shutting his door while he was at it. I stood perfectly still, staring at the wooden door as jumbled thoughts flowed into my head.
"The Cullen kid wants us to kill him?"
"Let's do it! I hate those god damned blood suckers…"
"Paul…"
"I don't think we should. It isn't what Bella would want." The voice of Jacob.
"I hate to say this, Jake, but it isn't up to what Bella would want anymore. Edward has come here, entrusting us with this burden to be lifted off of his shoulders, and I think we should let him have that, at least. Though, I am worried about the treaty."
"Who wouldn't be? The blood suckers find out we've killed Edward and they come after us like they're fucking hungry! Ready to tear us apart!"
"Paul!"
"Sorry."
"We'll be sure to explain the situation to the Cullen's… I hope they'll understand. Maybe Edward could write them a note."
"Lame. Who writes notes? Besides, they have Alice. She sees the future, so she obviously already sees Edward coming to us to off himself."
"You do have a point… so have we come to a conclusion?" The wolves, minus one, all said yes and moments later, Sam reappeared in his human form.
"I'm guessing you heard?"
"Yes," I said simply.
"Then you know I will do this for you, but you must assure us no trouble will come from your family."
"I already can. Alice most likely knows what my plans are already, and if she planned on stopping me, she'd already be here by now."
"I guess you're right. Well, follow us then." With that, the rest of the wolves came out of Sam's house, all except for one. I sighed and brushed it off, starting to run at a fairly lazy pace as I followed the wolves into the forest. I figured they were taking me to a place far enough away from civilization so that no one would be suspicious from hearing howls of pain. But I was really too pre-occupied thinking about Bella to worry about how and where I was killed. Her sweet voice rang in my ears… oh Bella, I'm coming. I'm coming for you.
They pulled me into a random clearing and had me stand in the middle before surrounding me in a circle. Suddenly, I felt a pang of nervousness fill my belly as I stared into the eyes of eight werewolves. I was really doing this – I was actually having werewolves end my life so I could be with Bella and out of my misery.
Oh, what was I doing?
Before I could even comprehend anything, growls surrounded me and wolf after wolf launched at me, mauling me to the ground. I snarled and attempted to wriggle from their grasp, but my attempt was futile. How was I supposed to know that I'd regret wanting to end my life right as I was being killed?
Fast thoughts raced by in my mind as I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. All the times I spent with my family, with Bella… it made me really ponder how insane I must have been to give all that up. Of course, I was so blinded by the fact I couldn't live without Bella that I was making irrational decisions and should have taken the hints from multiple people – namely Alice and Jacob – but I didn't.
So here I was, slowly feeling my life filtering away. I hadn't realized the wolves had torn my arms off until I felt the pain twinge throughout my body. I hissed and limped in their grasp, finally deciding to let them rip apart my body and take away my life. Tear after tear of their teeth through my skin caused another flash of pain to make its course in my body, and I was soon forced to shut my eyes. I felt as if I wanted to cry, but I wasn't really able to produce tears, was I?
"I'm so sorry Edward… see you in another life." Though I expected Sam, this was the voice of Jacob's. I opened my eyes long enough to somehow see him through a thatch of trees, a solemn look on his face. I smiled weakly before staring at the sky, small droplets of rain slowly descending from the clouds above.
"Bella…" And everything went
black.
Reviews are love! :D
-Melanie