SHINIGAMI HELP US ALL!
Disclaimer: I own Gundam Wing. Oh wow, did you see that? A pig just flew past! -_-;
AN: This is serverly twisted!!! Ya see, whislt trying to complete the next chapter of 'The Pink Shirt Files', I came to thinking (don't ask me how) 'Gee, there's so many fics out there where the GW charas commit suicide, including a couple of my own, and a lot of them have the same material over and over and over and over and- hey, wouldn't it be hillarious if I did a fic involving a mass sucide?!' ^_^ And thus this fic was born. I don't mean to offened anyone with this, honestly! I'm a bit on the suicidal side myself, and just thought it'd be intresting to see where this goes. So basically, this a parody of every single suicide fic out there! Enjoy!
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Heero sat on the tattered old couch in one of the many, MANY safehouses the Gundam pilots were currently residing in. It was past midnight and everyone else was asleep, so there was no one around to hear the grim thoughts that passed through the perfect soldier's lips as he reflected upon his life.
"So many horrible things have happened in my life Relena, the girl and her dog, Relena, the horrors of war, Relena, the constant bloodshed, Relena not to mention Relena." It was then that an idea struck him. Heero reached into his spandex, and pulled out a handy-dandy noose. "I've had such a crappy life. I think I'll kill myself." And with that, he began looking around for a place where he could hang himself from.
Just then, Duo walked down the stairs, his wrists bleeding profusely.
"Hey, Heero!" He greeted. The other boy looked at him.
"What happened to your wrists?" He asked.
"Oh, you mean this?" The Shinigami held up his arms, sending a coating of blood over the walls. "I'm committing suicide! I've got that whole I'm the God of Death, killed so many people, blah blah blah, Solo and Maxwell Church, blah blah blah' thing goin' on."
"Oh, okay. So why are you here when you should be dying?"
"Well I can't very well die on an empty stomach now, can I?!" The braided boy commented, making his way to the kitchen.
"We got any chocolate ice-cream left?" He called, staring into the fridge and getting blood on some of its contents.
"Afraid not," Quatre said, staggering down the stairs. "I laced it with poison and ate it all."
"You committing suicide too?" Heero asked, scaling the couch in order to tie his noose to the ceiling fan.
"Yep!" Came the reply.
"How come?"
"Well, I'm having trouble being the innocent and kind pilot and dealing with all the stuff that happened in the war, so I decided to kill myself."
"Cool!" Duo said, entering the loungeroom with a bowl of vanilla ice cream (it was a good thing they'd bought Neapolitan).
"Did I hear someone say they were going to kill themselves?" Trowa asked, also making his way downstairs into the loungeroom.
"Yes!" The three other pilots replied in unison.
"Okay then," he commented, as the others realised the gun he was holding. "I'm depressed from all that stuff about being a soldier, or being raped by mercenaries or whatever. It depends on what fic you read. Can I join in?"
"Sure!" Quatre replied. "The more the merrier! Uh, well, not quite, but anyways"
"INJUSTICE!" All four pilots turned to the source of the voice. At the top of the stairs stood Wufei, katana in hand. "Let me guess- you baka onnas are taking the easy way out, huh? Weaklings!"
"Well what exactly were you planning on doing with that sword, Wufei?" Heero asked, monotone as ever.
"I was going to have one of my late-night training sessions, of course!"
"Oh, okay," Duo said, sitting on a stool and indulging in his final snack. "But you really should come an' join us. You could do that Chinese thing of falling on your sword!"
"Wouldn't that be committing suicide?"
"Yep!"
Wufei pondered this for a moment, before unsheathing his sword and jogging down the stairs.
"Okay, you've convinced me," He said, looking over the blade. "After all, I have that Meiran thing going for me, plus the whole self-doubt stuff." He looked toward Duo for a moment. "Can I have some of your strawberry ice-cream first? I feel like something sweet."
"It's not strawberry, it's vanilla!" Duo replied, the food in question smeared all over his face.
"But then why is it pink?" The former asked. At this, the 02 pilot held up his gaping wrists, beaming proudly.
"Hey, these wrists are like a couple o' sprinklers! So I got a little messy"
"O_o on second thoughts, maybe I'll just suck on a lolly." Wufei muttered, pulling butterscotch out of hammerspace and popping it in his mouth.
By this point, Heero had finished tying his noose to the fan and stuck his neck through it.
"Goodbye, cruel world!" He cried, jumping of the couch just as the doorbell rang. However, the bones in his neck were left intact, and he was left there to choke to death. " hn someone get the door."
"Sure thing," Quatre said. Though his vision was somewhat blurred and he was lacking coordination, he made it to the door with minimal fuss. Except when he walked into a wall. And when he tripped over his own feet. And when he okay, so it took a bit out of him getting to the door. However, he somehow managed, and turned the doorknob. In walked Zechs (with an emptied needle sticking out of his arm) and Treize.
"Hi everyone!" Zechs greeted. "We heard you were having a suicide party and we wanted to stop by."
"Sure, why not!" Trowa said, loading his weapon with a single bullet.
"Could you give me directions to your roof please?" Treize asked, looking as official as ever. Trowa pointed up. "Thank you. It's a good thing you have lots of concrete around you house, otherwise I'd never die from a two story leap! See ya!" And with that, the OZ leader walked outside and started climbing up a drainpipe up to the roof.
"I wonder how the girls are doing?" Wufei asked.
"They're all outside drowning themselves in a portable kiddie pool," Zechs replied, gesturing to the front yard. Through a nearby window, the pilots saw several hands waving to them from beneath the seven inch deep water of a small inflatable pool outside, one of them gurgling "*glug, glug* Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeero! *glug, glug*". Quatre half-heartedly waved back.
"I like your windchime." Zechs continued.
"Oh, that's not a windchime, that's just Heero," Duo replied, as Heero attempted to die from strangulation. Too bad he was so well trained and nigh invincible that it'd take him a while.
"Omae wo korosu," he rasped out.
"Ah, good choice," the 06 pilot commended. "I just went for the ol' mix a combination of drugs together and inject' method. It's simple, but effective."
At that moment, a "Wow, what a pretty light" followed by a *thump!* were heard from Quatre's general direction, as the Arabian pilot collapsed onto the floor, dead.
"Later, Q-man!" Duo farewelled.
"I should probably be on my way too," Trowa commented, holding the gun to his temple. "After all, he was either my best friend or my lover. Depends on the author."
"Bye Trowa!" Everyone in the room said, waving.
"Bye!" He replied, pulling the trigger, and falling to the floor in a puddle of blood.
"And then there were five," Wufei sighed, now that there was no more gurgling coming from the inflatable pool outside. However, a loud JERANAMO!' was heard, followed by a *thud* on the concrete in the yard.
"Better make that four," Heero choked, still dangling like an overly ornate mobile.
*Ten minutes later*
Wufei finished a long prayer (to his Gundam of course) and looked around the room.
"You still alive, Heero?" He asked.
"Yep," came the struggling reply.
"Duo?"
"I'm still alive an' kicking!"
"Zechs?"
""
"Zechs?"
""
Duo walked over to where Zechs was, sprawled out on the couch, and poked him with the spoon he was using for his ice cream.
"Nah, he's gone," the braided pilot noted, spraying blood in whichever direction he moved.
"Hey, can you control your blood a bit down there?!" Heero choked out. "I'm trying to die!"
"Sorry!"
"Oh well, time to do the deed," Wufei sighed, looking at his reflection in the blade of the katana. "What should my last words be?"
"Hows about look out, Meiran, I'm comin' for some action!'" Duo suggested.
"No, that doesn't have quite the right tone I'm looking for," Wufei replied, tapping his katana against his chin thoughtfully.
"How about Omae o Korosu'?" You-Know-Who said.
"Those are YOUR last words, baka!" The 05 pilot answered back.
"Oh yeah"
"Well, I guess I'll just have to go with" The Chinaman held his sword up, and thrusted it deep into his abdomen, his final words escaping his lips before he died: "BAKA-ONNA-WEAK-NATAKU-INJUSTICE!!!!" And with that, he was no more.
"Wow, how's that for making an exit?" Duo laughed, shortly before collapsing off his stool in a bloody heap, still clutching his bowl of almost-finished ice cream.
"Hn," Heero muttered, still dangling. A strong breeze came through an open window, causing him to sway a bit. "Should've self-detonated."
THE NEXT DAY
Duo, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei (still clutching his katana), Zechs, Treize and the girls (minus Relena) were having the time of their lives trying out their new angel wings in Heaven.
"Woohoo!" Duo cried, doing a loop-the-loop. "This is fun!"
"Yeah," Quatre replied, fluttering about. "It's a shame Relena never got this opportunity."
"I'm sure she'll be having fun with the demon wings she got," Sally commented, glad that God had finally sent the pacifist brat where she belonged. At that moment, Heero flew up and joined them.
"Hey Heero!" Treize greeted. "You took a while!"
"Yeah," came the reply, "I was dangling from that ceiling fan for a good twelve hours before I finally packed it in."
"Should've self-detonated," Trowa stated. Heero glared and hn'ed in agreement.
And so, all the Gundam angels fluttered around in Heaven and lived happily for the rest of their eternal lives! Huzzah!
OWARI
O_o... well, now that that freaky bit of ficlet is done, why don't ya review an' tell me how warped and disturbing it was ^.^! Ja!