Just something I've felt like writing for a while. Includes special cameo appearences from some of my lovely OC Black Jackets from my other Inkheart stories! Cookies and much love to anyone who can spot them all and tell me which story they appear in! Happy Valentine's Day my freaky little darlings! XXX
Basta's Love Game
Part 1
It was only breakfast time and Basta was already feeling sick. Not in the 'Oh-God-I'm-never-going-to-drink-again' sense and not in the 'Damn-you-Cockerell-for-sneezing-in-my-face-without-catching-your-germs-now-I've-caught-your-crummy-cold' sense either. No, today was the day before Valentine's Day and the church hall was already like a scene from the Discovery Channel. Basta had this theory, you see, he believed that Valentine's Day was the human equivalent to the animal kingdom's mating season; in the weeks leading up to 14th February humans of both sexes were on the prowl to seek out a perfect potential mate before the sacred holiday arrived, lest they find themselves spending the day alone like some lonely unloved loser - another Basta in other words.
Basta, sitting in the middle of the table sipping his coffee, watched the scene around him with a kind of grouchy, morbid fascination; directly opposite him Silas - a tall, golden Adonis - had grabbed a maid named Anna's hand as she reached over his shoulder to collect his empty plate, and was gazing deep into her eyes while telling her what a marvellous shade of blue they were; down the table, a rather lovely looking redhead who went by the name of Kate was leaning forward on the table, thus offering a tantalising glimpse of her ample bosom as she talked to an open-mouthed, glassy-eyed Gino, who didn't seem to notice that the men sitting nearby were also taking advantage of the fine view; Kiera, the maid with the startling green eyes, paused for a moment as she hurried back to the kitchens with a pile of empty bread baskets in her arms to place a kiss upon the back of her sweetheart Alanzo's neck - it had been no secret amongst the men that he had had a soft spot for her for some time and was no secret amongst the maids that she had likewise had her eye on him; quiet Regina seemed to be spending an inordinate amount of time loitering near an oblivious Zaccaria; and even thirteen year old Efisio was perking up like an eager puppy every time a pretty young blonde girl passed.
The whole display sickened Basta who could see no point in celebrating the unremarkable life of a beheaded Christian martyr. FACT: According to Basta's not so extensive research, Saint Valentine led a completely unromantic life and is also the patron saint of bee keepers, plague, epileptics and against fainting. So if you happen to be an epileptic bee keeper who faints a lot and also happens to have the plague, he's the guy you want to talk to.
As all this lovey-dovey, sweetness and light, I-love-you-so-much-I'll-carve-your-name-in-my-forehead-with-a-compass nonsense was beginning to make his teeth hurt, Basta downed the remaining lukewarm dregs of his coffee and made his way to the church doors. Unfortunately he was intercepted by Mortola.
"You!" the old hag snapped, grabbing his arm and dragging him into corner out of earshot of the rest of the church. Basta found himself worrying what the other men might say if someone happened to notice him sneaking off to a secluded, shadowy corner of the church with Mortola - this would be bad for Basta's reputation were anyone to witness this sight on any normal day but today, considering the collective romantic atmosphere which most people seemed to be sharing, it would be disastrous!
"What! What do you want?" Basta hissed, his eyes darting fearfully about the hall.
Mortola glowered at being spoken to so disrespectfully, "I've got a job for you." she said haughtily.
"I'm not your servant! I serve Capricorn!"
"It's a service for Capricorn." This made Basta stop and listen.
"You have to buy him something for this holiday tomorrow." Mortola continued.
"Wait, what? Valentine's Day?"
"Yes."
"Valentine's Day?" Basta said again.
Mortola put her hands on her hips and scowled, "Stop repeating it, I am not deaf! But it appears you are!" she snapped, "Yes, I want you to buy Capricorn something for Valentine's Day." she said this extra slowly as if Basta was a half-wit who had serious trouble grasping a concept.
"Mortola, I really don't think you understand what Valentine's Day is about." Basta said, "It's not a holiday like Christmas where you can give presents to anyone - well, except strangers of course, because that's slightly creepy - Valentine's Day is where a person gives presents to the person they love."
"I know perfectly well the ins-and-outs of Valentine's Day!" Basta couldn't imagine how - the old crone had probably never gotten any love in her life!
"Then do you mind telling me why on Earth you want me to do such a thing?" he said confusedly.
Mortola sighed, "Look around you, all you see is couples fawning all over each other and tomorrow they'll probably exchange their ridiculous gifts. The problem is, girls are too afraid to express their feelings towards Capricorn - though I'm sure there are plenty who'd love to!" Basta doubted this. "But he needs to know that girls are thinking of him. Why, any girl in her right mind would give her right arm to be married to Capricorn!" Again, Basta didn't quite find this plausible.
"So you want me to make Capricorn believe that all the girls here are desperate to jump his bones?"
Mortola's eyes narrowed, "In a manner of speaking, yes."
Basta groaned, "And what do I get for this?"
"The pride in knowing that you've helped to make your Master very happy! Now go!" Mortola snapped, slapping him upside the head.
"Ow! Okay, okay! Jeez!" Basta said, hightailing it out the church doors.
Outside, Basta was at a loss what do next. That is until he spotted Alexi lounging on the church steps, smoking a cigarette.
"Hey!" Basta said, his voice brimming with mock-cheerfulness as he sat down next to the other man. Alexi merely nodded and offered him a cigarette, Basta accepted.
"Listen, I need to ask your advice." he blurted. Alexi looked surprised for a moment then shrugged, Basta took this to mean "Ask away".
"If I wanted to buy some particular items for someone for-"
"Drugs?" Alexi interrupted
Basta was astonished at his frankness, "No! No, thank you! I was actually talking about gifts for Valentine's Day."
Alexi frowned and scratched his head vigorously, causing his messy black curls to look all the more dishevelled. Finally he took his cigarette from his mouth and spoke, "Well, I suppose the simplest thing to get her is a card." Basta squirmed at the word 'her'.
"They can be funny or romantic, but you may have to spend a little time picking out one with the right message." Oh great, thought Basta, reading. "Most girls get pretty pissed if you just give them a card so it's best to give them a present - or six. Flowers are good. Red roses perhaps?" No, Basta thought, he was pretty sure he had once seen some flowers shrivel and die on the spot when Capricorn looked at them.
"Or chocolates?" Nah, Capricorn wasn't the kind to go for that whole "Life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're going to get" thing - usually he got what he wanted when he wanted.
"Stuffed animals?" Capricorn would probably use those for target practice.
"Jewellery?" Out of Basta's price range and besides, Capricorn wasn't going to take up cross-dressing anytime soon. At least, Basta hoped.
"Where's the best place to buy these things?" he asked.
"The store in town! Where do you think, dumbass?"
"Oh, right! Thanks!" Basta stood up, after throwing his cigarette to the ground and grinding it out underneath his heel, he walked to the car park.
Driving to the nearest town, Basta tried to work out what he should buy for Capricorn. As he'd already decided against all the things Alexi had suggested, he was back where he started: still none the wiser. Sure, he could have asked Alexi what one would normally give a guy on Valentine's Day but the last thing Basta wanted was for the entire village to think he was gay - most of the men already had their suspicions considering the fact that he couldn't charm any of the maids into bed to save his life. Basta was slightly pissed that they were so ready to assume that it was because he was "reluctant" and not because all the maids were stubborn cows. By the time he got to town and parked outside the store in a disabled spot, he still had no idea.
When Basta entered the store he realised that the entire front area had been decorated with Valentine's Day tat. Red card hearts hung suspended from the ceiling, racks of cards and displays of chocolates had been put out and a mound of fuzzy stuffed animals took pride of place in the centre of the floor. A gangly youth dressed as Cupid - wearing an obscenely short tunic, gold curly wig with tinsel halo, wings and clutching a miniature bow and arrow - pranced towards Basta, presumably to tell him the special offers on the boxes of chocolates. Basta took one look at him, reddened, then pushed him out of his way and strode away quickly. The youth, unperturbed, regained his balance and skipped away to greet the next customers coming through the doors.
Basta decided to look at the card racks first. Despite being almost entirely illiterate, he was still able to tell which cards were intended for women and which were for men. He glanced through a couple of cards but after a while his mind began to wander and he ended up gazing about the store blankly at the other customers; a hassled looking middle-aged woman was trying to wrestle her toddler away from a stuffed duck which he seemed to have taken a fancy to; a teenage couple were feeding each other free samples of chocolate, giggling all the while and stopping at intervals to peck each other on the lips repeatedly; a group of girls who looked about eleven or twelve years old stood whispering together, the name 'Ben' came up often in their conversation.
Basta caught the eye of a pretty girl in her early twenties. She smiled at him and he grinned back, he was just about to sidle over and turn on the charm - he even found himself considering that perhaps his prospects of getting laid were finally looking up. But then she suddenly glanced down and, furrowing her brow in frustration, wandered away to look at a display of chocolates. Basta was confused for a moment, then he realised he was still standing clutching a card which was obviously intended to be sent to a guy. Shit.