And I thought having my power locked away was like drowning. I hadn't known then what it was like to be bound, what true suffocation is. It's too heavy to fight, smothering, a death worse than dying. Mine is a savage heart and its shriek of rage at the binding shuts out all else, snatching away my last moments of awareness before darkness beyond dark envelops me and I am lost. Even black anger disappears into the deeper shadows. The fight is really gone from me, and the breath is going…
I sat straight up, my chest tight. It was a terrifying feeling. Lightening doesn't work on suffocation, and binding really feels that way. I'd had the dream three nights in a row now, and was starting to feel the way humans do about falling dreams. If I didn't wake up in time, I might die. Or worse, be bound again.
It was barely dawn. I could hear Yoko and Kantaro breathing. Yoko was placid and happy. We'd just gotten paid for a manuscript and she'd done her shopping without having to run through half of Tokyo looking for the cheapest of everything. Kantaro was muttering. He'd been complaining about dreams lately. Maybe it was going around.
The momentary visions had been there a long time, making me wary, turning me against my… my Kantaro. But the dreams were worse. Not mere moments of emotion but complete memories. The cold, the darkness, and at the very edge… Knowledge. In the moment of binding that dominated my dreams there were no coherent thoughts, but right before, I knew. Who had bound me, why, precisely what drove me so viciously against Kantaro. If it was there in dream it fled upon waking, but I almost had it.
And I was afraid to get it. I was increasingly sure justice and my own nature would demand that I kill Kantaro. It might be just and natural, but I could never stand it. I'd warned him. He knew full well what might happen. His complacence didn't mean the act wouldn't destroy me. Whatever was left of me.
I wasn't going to fall back to sleep. I got up and shivered. There was a bite to the air of late. In fact, come to think, my dreams had begun in earnest with the advent of autumn's chill. There's usually a reason for such things.
I dressed and made tea. It was raining a bit, so I decided not to go hide on the roof. Jittery as I was feeling I might end up slipping off. And I wanted to be near them, even if they were only asleep. I was restless and more scared than I liked to admit, and I was starting to suspect I'd have to leave again. I'd promised. What was more important, Kantaro's happiness or his safety? Without me, I knew, he… That knowledge made it so much harder. If it were one-sided I could just go.
So I'd stay while I still trusted myself, and listen to him talk in his sleep. I sat on the porch. He was quieter now. Good. I'd been afraid to go comfort him right after I woke. I leaned against the support post. It was slick and slimy with the rain and creaked a bit. The wood grain pressed against my cheek. It was raining harder and I saw a distant flash of lightening. Strong as my affinity was, I felt a little ill to see it. When the sky was live with power it was dangerous for even me to fly, and this seemed like a day I might need to stay away from home. With luck, Yoko had an errand I could volunteer to run.
My tea was getting cold. I looked down into the cup as a gust of wind blew a few drops into it.
Waiting. I am never good at waiting, and the sense of foreboding will not go. I never used to overthink like this, but one thing I've grown tired of thinking about is what's happened to me, what's changed. The wood is rough and cold and I almost turn to go. My nihonshu is getting diluted and the thunder seems somehow not to be the friend it usually is to me. I could be getting something useful done.
There's demon scent in the wet air. As well as something strange.
I came back to myself with a start. It was a bit lighter, though the clouds were so thick I could barely guess at the sun's position. I was soaked, though. It had seemed like seconds, but no little time had passed. And I didn't think I'd been asleep. Just elsewhere.
It had been just as vivid as during the night, though. And the only real moment I'd been able to recapture anything real from before the binding. Vague impressions of anger and powerful demons didn't count. I couldn't glean much. Who or what was I supposed to be waiting for? What had held me there? The scene I saw as clearly as Kantaro's yard, but it was no help. A forest, a simple little shrine, a path that rounded a bend into thick trees. I thought I'd seen mountains. That really narrowed it down.
But now I really couldn't stay. Who could guess what might happen if I remembered something more substantive? Kantaro would happily accept it. I wouldn't. I needed to sort through this away from him. And if justice demanded that I murder the one dearest to me…
Tengu can drown.
I couldn't believe I'd even had such a thought. Would I? If I knew for certain the truth I suspected, distance wouldn't be enough to save him from me. I already knew there were impulses too powerful to control, clashes within that defied my best efforts at discipline. To protect Kantaro, there might be nothing else I could do.
I stood to go. At least I could be sure I wouldn't hurt him immediately. It'd be dangerous to fly, but I had to get reasonably far away. I was already feeling waterlogged. Even without the lightening it would be a tricky flight with the wind behaving so erratically.
"Haruka!"
I turned reluctantly. Kantaro wasn't even dressed properly yet, and he was wiping sleep from his eyes. Some of his hair was sticking straight up. He clearly hadn't slept well. At his most vulnerable. Oddly, I had a sense it made him safer. I was at my most protective, best equipped against my other self, the self mad with anger that wanted to destroy this beautiful, fragile creature.
"Did you make tea? Can I have some?" He didn't wait for an answer. For form's sake I nodded, but he was already pouring himself a cup. "It's going to be an awful day. The scar says it's just going to keep raining."
I couldn't help raising an eyebrow. "The scar that flares in the presence of demons?"
"Ah, didn't you know that scar has many talents? Like me, it is wise and powerful beyond its years. …The tea is almost cold."
I winced involuntarily. If he didn't stay at his sweetest this would be harder. There was a brief prickle of white-hot anger that I forced back. I always felt it behind my eyes, almost like the beginning of tears.
"I have to pick up some books so I'll look busy and Yoko's good mood will hold. Want to come?" Calculating little…
I'd have liked to, though. Damn rain would make it unpleasant, but the part of me I wanted to believe was the real Haruka liked the idea of a day with him. One not spent fighting off a demon and hopefully not throwing me at women to make his life a bit more convenient. A long walk and maybe ramune, since the budget wasn't nearly as tight as usual.
The other half, though, was too dominant now, hungry for more knowledge and for my Kantaro's blood.
"I have to go and see Sugino today." Hopefully he wouldn't ask why. I did, after all. There was nowhere else. A half truth wasn't much better than a lie, though.
"Oh." He finished his tea and retreated more toward the door. "Alright. I'll get ramune for you when you get home." My heart pounded in my ears for a moment. "That reminds me. Here."
I'd been managing to not look at him for a moment, so I didn't see right away what he was offering. I looked down to see something glitter in his hand. It was the shape of a teardrop, white and glittering. It looked like ice, like the hottest part of a fire. Lightening. Nothing Kantaro could possibly afford. Beautiful, with a spark that went beyond shine. It hung on a red ribbon. "What…?"
"I found it. In a shrine I was asked to check for malevolent entities. Turned out the priest was just paranoid. I offered him half price since there was nothing to do, and he offered this instead. I thought you'd like it." He smiled. Kantaro at his very sweetest. I almost felt calm enough to trust myself.
But I couldn't. This euphoria would wear off soon enough, though the beautiful trinket I was fastening around my neck was surprisingly heavy against my chest. It almost felt like a binding, but I must have been imagining things. There was no power to it. I'd sense that properly. There was just beauty. It was a lovely gift. Nothing more. "Thank you."
He smiled at me. "Be careful. I can't believe you're making the trip in this weather. If you get a cold, I…"
He what? "I don't get colds." This was too much. Any more of this sweetness of his and I wouldn't be able to go. "Goodbye." I brought out my wings, hoping that the rain would thin. This was going to be a terrible trip.
"Haruka!"
I wanted to just get going before the storm and Kantaro managed to break my resolve. I looked back reluctantly.
"Come back soon, okay?" He looked very subdued and spun on his heel, heading back into the house. Damn it, now I really hated to leave.
Couldn't be helped. And I didn't want to make a promise I couldn't keep, so I took off. The flight took three times as long as it should have and I half crashed when I landed. It was even darker in Sugino's forest.
"Demon Eater?" He didn't even look out the window. I supposed he had a limited number of people who might be crashing into his tree. "Better get inside. I heard lightening strike somewhere nearby. I know you have a better time with that than most, but be sensible."
"Have anything I can dry off with?" I just slipped in the window. Easier than working my way around to the door. Muu was on the table munching a beetle and Sugino had his pigtails in and looked to be attending to such chores as a tree-house required.
"Considering the puddle you're creating on my floor, I'd guess no, and neither does anyone who isn't a wholesale cloth merchant. Have another fight with your idiot human?"
Such a one for tact, Sugino. "No."
"I see." I wasn't sure if he did. One could never tell with him. "What happened?"
"New memories. Stronger ones. And from right before I was bound." Relevant, in other words, to the drive to slaughter the one I loved best. "I couldn't stay." I considered. I'd remembered Sugino well, but didn't recall any details such as how or when I'd met him. Would he knew about that period?
He seemed to guess what I was thinking. "I could help. If you really want to know."
"I think I'd better figure it out this time." I couldn't help a sigh. "If it comes when I don't expect it, I'll have even less control over what happens." I asked outright. "How much do you know?"
"Much. Most, maybe. But I probably shouldn't just tell you your own story." At least he acknowledged his particular perceptions were likely to color facts a bit. Or he didn't feel like it. Or he was rather less perturbed than I at the idea of tearing into Kantaro's chest if the memories came when they shouldn't. "I know where there are a few things that could trigger real memories, though."
"Show me?"
"After the rain stops. We'll see if it works."
He might be making this up as he went. But what other chance did I have? If I could control what I remembered, then I could make sure it was safe, have a fighting chance of defeating that part of my nature. Maybe. With the return of my memories that side might be much stronger, and Kantaro would be lost.
Author's Note: I'm working fairly exclusively off of anime knowledge in this fic. I haven't finished the manga and I'm very bad at getting a hold of doujinshi. There's probably lots of canon-fodder for this story that I don't know about. Apologies now. I like the story here, so if it's a bit AU, it's a bit AU. In any case, stay tuned for Haruka's memories.