AN: *Nevously swallows*
H-Hey guys... I know it's been so so so long since I updated... ANYTHING. Life just decided to throw incident after incident on me and my anxiety flared up really bad and and...
I'm sorry :(
I feel like I let you guys down this year. But I really want to keep this up. Maybe not to what I used to do, but I will definitely do my damndest to get back into writing :)
I love you guys so much...
So here's Yullen Week 2k15
First theme is trust.
Warning: suicide attempt, cutting.
Heavy boots clomped through the salty slush, full hands coming to slip between his ribs and upper arms as the slim form shuddered. The wind only added to the chill of the bitter winter, cutting past the layers of down and wool to freeze the bone, making everyone hurry to the convenience of modern heating. Shaking off the shudder that now spilled down his spine, the young man quickened to be like one of them, his pace brisker and his head bowed towards the looming house that beckoned him.
The blast of hot air that washed over the pale flesh was a welcome after nothing but cold had battered the skin. A gloved hand reached to pull down the red wool scarf, his elongated scar completely revealed in the process along with his bright red nose and panting lips. His white hair tilted back to touch the door as a deep breath of relief expelled from his lungs. His body stayed there, too tired to move, for a few moments more until the young man pulled his lithe form up and made it move towards the staircase.
His walk up the stairs was slower now, his feet dragging up the steps, head heavy in exhaustion. The day was long and taking, both mentally and physically. It wasn't like he didn't expect it, after all, he was the one who planned all this. All the appointments, chores; all almost done except for the most daunting and needed. Hope flickered in his eyes at the sight of the brass 3 sitting high up on his door.
Home.
While it was usually a sight to cause him peace and calm, today it sent a flutter of anxiety through him, reminders of his final task of the day and just how hard and draining it was to be. The difficulties he'd encountered up till now were nothing in retrospect.
Groves in the key bumped and clicked as it slid into the hole, the clicks as welcoming as the creaking door was, both opening his home to him. With a slam the wood closed behind the young man, his keys thrown unceremoniously to the countertop while his finger reached for the blinking play button on his answering machine.
"He-Hey! Allen!"
The jovial voice caught the young ma off guard for a moment, a slow smile spreading across his lips at the voice of his best friend.
"Hope you get this… been a Hell of a week huh?" the redhead cleared his throat, "I'm just calling to check up on you, you know? See how you're doing and all that. Hope you're doing… well… better than… yeah…" again the young man paused, "well… don't forget next week! I'll be there to pick you up! N-Not that I don't trust you cause, I totally do! I-It's just I've got a car and everything and-"
An automated voice recited the time and date his friend's message had been delivered. His small smile widened as the second message started to play.
"Whew! Sorry bout that buddy! Got cut off there for a minute. Anyway… stay safe, keep warm, see you next week… and… good luck tonight. Not because you need it, because you want to hear it."
Allen remained quiet as his knife rose and fell over the vegetables, carrots, cabbage, and onions sliced into bit big enough to sauté for what might be the last time he'd ever see his surely lover.
The lump in his throat was thick and almost impossible to swallow as each second ticked by, each moment lengthening as it passed; the future seeming too close and the past too far away. Silver eyes flickered up to look at the clock, waiting for the two hands to meet at the top, for the hour to announce itself and for the doorbell to ring through the apartment and announce the start of what could be the end.
Allen's lungs forced down the panic that threatened to burst forth, his breathing became controlled. In for a count of three, held for four, and released for seven. His panic slowly subsided to something manageable, something that could be contained until they faced each other for the first time in what was a week.
He should've called, should've talked, should've been there, should've seen each other before tonight.
Should've explained.
Another wave of dread filled him, this time averting the panic and settling into the darker corners of his mind. The pan sizzling with oil was the only thing to keep his concentration focused, away from the negatives that took him so far away from everything he cared about and loved.
The negatives that hurt his friends.
Tongs flipped over their side dish, the silver eyes looking for the golden crisp that would give them at least something else to talk about other than his own stupidity. Nails scratched beneath the white hair, his teeth tightening as he did his best to dab off the oil residue he was looking for. If everything was perfect, he could be too.
Couldn't he?
Allen was lucky that he had already set the plate down; the door slam might have sent the spring rolls sky high.
Looking up, the silver eyes watched as the young man pulled off his own scarf, his blue eyes looking away from the young man as he gathered up his winter wear in his arms, his coat only unzipped but still over his shoulders.
"Hey," Allen tried to keep himself neutral as he greeted his guest, unsure of what to do with his body as he stood uncomfortably by the table, "dinner's almost-"
"I'm not staying for dinner."
It was the blunt answer Allen expected, though that did not cut through the pain. Stealing his found determination, the young man steadied his gaze on the cold one, his shoulders squaring before the tight jaw cut him off.
"One week," Kanda snapped, his controlled anger making Allen more nervous than if he just yelled at him, "I don't here from you for one fucking week and all I get is a 'can you come over?'," his brows narrowed into a crease, "what the Hell?"
Allen tightened his own lips as he tried desperately to keep the control he had been struggling with for over a week. His tongue moved over his lips while the rage Kanda had been consumed by continued to burn and refused to be contained.
"I had to hear from Lavi," the elder pressed on, his anger now cracking his mask, "imagine that? I had to hear from Lavi that my boyfriend was in the damn hospital!"
Allen flinched at the volume Kanda started to unleash, his knuckles turning white with anger and fire blazing in his eyes.
"You didn't even bother to call while you were there!" Kanda shouted, "what the Hell is wrong with you!?"
"Kanda-"
The elder's demeanor silenced any protests Allen had prepared, the long hair swishing as the elder shook his head.
"You have no explanation," the elder informed him, "no damn decent reason that would give any rational human cause to keep it from someone they've said they care about."
The two just stood in a horrible silence, nausea brewing in the pit of Allen's anxiety. His lips tightened then pursed, tears now blooming behind his eyes.
"I hope you didn't waste too much time on thinking about tonight," Kanda told him, his frustration clearly at it's peak, his head shaking in disbelief, "I shouldn't have even left my damn apartment-"
"HERE!"
Kanda, with his hand on the doorknob, turned to continue their fight, to let go all of the pent up frustrations and fears that had plagued him for the past week. He meant to snap and argue, to push Allen into honesty, to have him shake off the false persona Allen had been wearing.
He meant to tear into the younger, to force a confession out of the young man he'd shared a bed with the past year and a half, to force the young man he'd known since their teen years into the honesty Allen so highly valued.
He did not expect to see the marks trailing from one end of the wrist to the other, other marks in almost parallel succession trailed up to halfway up his lower arm.
"I… couldn't tell you… I didn't know how too…"
The young man felt his mouth quiver as he determinedly bore his shame, Kanda saying nothing as his younger did the best to keep his sanity.
"I… screwed up," Allen felt himself break along with his voice, his wrists still held out to the other, all anger in the blue eyes vanishing into shock, the younger daring to press on. "I-I didn't know what to do," his words were barely above a whisper, "I-I just…" tears started to fall down his cheeks, "I-I-"
"What have you done to yourself?"
The younger waited for the deep voice to return to anger, to demand an explanation once again, to hit him, to scream at him, to call him an idiot. A voice as gentle as the fingers coming to cup the scarred wrist was a shock, his voice almost as quiet as Allen's. Shock kept Kanda's eyes wide as they studied the marks that could've taken away the young man he cared about so dearly.
"Moyashi… why?"
The young man couldn't find the words to answer the hoarse question, Kanda's throat having caught the same hoarseness that Allen's had contracted.
"I… I don't know," Allen finally whispered, his nose sniffling, "everything's been so good…" he hiccoughed slightly, "I-I have Lavi and all them… m-my music is doing good," silver eyes looked up to the elder, the tears making his eyes glassy, "I have you…" he forced down the lump in his throat, "I… I couldn't let it go bad…"
Lips quivered as Kanda tried to form a question, his mind spinning at the information while Allen couldn't stop the misery from spilling over.
"Wh… Why would it just go bad?" Kanda asked, his eyebrows pressing into knots.
White hair shook as an answer, his teeth taking in his lower lip.
"I-I don't know," Allen mumbled, "things just… do," he sucked in a shuddering breath, "I want to explain it… I wish I could," his lungs sawed in an out, "it just happens… when things go well… it just goes bad… like with Mana…"
A strong chest pressed against Allen's, arms that surrounded his just as strong, squeezing him hard enough to leave bruises on his back.
"Moyashi…"
Sincerity dripped from Kanda's voice as Allen felt tremors run up and down his spine, the shivers passed from Kanda to the younger. It was all it took; Kanda's fear and empathy made the tears free from Allen's eyes, his hands reaching to clutch and claw at the other's coat while he sobbed relentlessly into the strong shoulder.
He needed Kanda, needed the confidence the elder exuded, needed to be held by the strong arms.
Needed someone to trust.
"K-Kanda… Kanda I'm sorry…"
They were the only three words he could get out passed his tears, Kanda saying nothing as he let the other released the week of solitude an isolation on his shoulder. All the pent up frustration, misery, fear, anxiety and depression came tumbling from Allen's mouth onto the young man he should've confessed everything too.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sor-"
Kanda said nothing as he held the younger tighter, his nose burying in the white hair as Allen just openly cried, his hands grabbing and pulling them as close as he could make it.
"Moyashi…"
Allen had never known Kanda to be soothing and calming, yet the hand on the back of his hair and the soft voice was easing and relaxing, gentle and even kind.
"If… If bad things happen… then they happen…" Kanda whispered, "I know that doesn't help… but it's not your fault… you need to trust-"
"I-I do," Allen coughed out, "I-I mean… I thought I did…" he swallowed thickly, "i-it was never anything you did… or didn't-"
"Do you… trust yourself?"
The question stunned the younger, his sobbing managing to subside as the gently pulled back to look up to the deep blue eyes he'd been dying to see since his stay in the hospital. The two days they kept him under watch was almost too much, though it would have been shorter had he not admitted to thinking calling Lavi was an accident. Every time the thought ran through his head, the cobalt eyes came into his mind, the strong arms that held him both gently and firmly reminding him that Kanda deserved better than this, deserved more.
"I… I…"
Allen swallowed again, trying to calm his body before answering.
"I don't know," he whispered, "I… it got so bad and… I felt… I felt like I couldn't tell anyone… but I knew I could…"
He took a deep shuddering breath as a hand pressed firmly to his back.
"I knew I could trust you… Yuu," Allen hiccoughed, "but… but-"
"Depression screws with you."
Allen remained silent as Kanda continued to calm him, his presence alone soothing.
"I know you… I should've seen the signs…" his lips pressed to the white locks, "help me to make you trust me more…"
"Wh…"
"I can't lose you."
Allen heard the pain the elder tried to mask in his voice and in the shiver that went through Kanda's arms.
"Moyashi... Allen…"
A warmth dared to flutter in Allen's chest at the mention of his name, Kanda's accent thick and his voice deep.
"Help… help me… please?"
Kanda sighed as he pulled back enough to meet the silver eyes, the two still keeping their eyes around each other.
"You're going to trust yourself again," Kanda promised, his thumb rubbing on the younger's upper arms, his forehead touching Allen's, "enough to know when not too."
The corner of Allen's lip tugged for a moment, his body wanting desperately to launch back into Kanda's arms and remain there until one or both of them fell asleep.
"If you have to trust one thing about me… it's that… I… do love you…"
Kanda seemed hesitant at the words, testing each one on his tongue before he said it, seeming unsure, though not for the feeling behind them, because of the vulnerability it had.
Allen wished he was healthier, wished that his mind was able to process and accept without any doubt. He hated that a part of him, a much darker part than he wanted gone, was telling him otherwise.
"I'll help you accept that."
Red-rimmed silver met the cobalt, the elder's sincerity unable to hide behind the fear Kanda held for the young man.
"You're going to trust yourself again… like I trust you…"
"Even after all I did," Allen mumbled, his eyes turning to look at the marks on his wrists, "what I almost did…"
A hand covered the healing cuts, the fingers gentle over the embarrassment.
"I trust you for stopping," Kanda whispered, his lips lowering down to touch the marks Allen wanted gone, the younger's throat catching at the action, "we'll work on the rest."
"It'll take awhile," the younger whispered, a hand reaching to cup his cheek, "might be forever…"
"Then I'll be here..." Kanda promised, Allen feeling his face pull into a true smile for the first time in what might've been a lifetime, the negative and cruel thoughts losing, only for a moment, but it was enough for him to trust that, despite his mistake, he'd be okay, even if just for a moment.