Author's Note: I finally have an idea for a humor fic...*ahem* yay...enjoy.
Calling Anyone!
"And remember, Matt. Going on tour does NOT mean not keeping in touch with your own father." Mr. Ishida, Kenneth reminded. "Here's my cell, my work phone, my home phone, my therapist's phone. My counselor's phone, my- your mother's phone, your mother's work phone, your mother's cell, your mother's florist, your mother's-"
"I think I only need one phone number while I'm gone." Matt sighed. "How about-"
"My cell? Glad you-"
"Mom's florist." Matt picked up the number, and held it in his teeth, while picking up his suitcase and guitar. "Bye." He muttered and left.
"But...Matt!!" Kenneth snapped. "Your mother's florist lives in Alabama! ALL THE WAY IN AMERICA! LONG DISTANCE CALLS AREN'T GOOD FOR ONE'S PHONE BILL!! ...Matt? MATT!!"
Matt shut the door, and looked at the number. "...520-616-8880 extension 000000000000...1." He ripped the paper. "...oops." And walked to the elevator.
************
"And remember, Jun. Stalking Matt is not a hobby. Mom and dad are only letting you chase after him one more time, but by next week I swear he'll sue!" Davis announced.
"Oh put a sock in it, Davis!" Jun grumbled. "Matt doesn't mind me stalking him everywhere!"
"He will mind once he knows your coming!" Davis laughed. "In fact, I bet he's at the therapist's right now asking how to get rid of a numb, dense red-head fool who follows him everywhere!"
Jun looked at him, confused.
"...it was a joke, I swear." Davis chuckled, nervously. He looked at the clock. Matt's leaving at 4:15. It's 3:45. If I keep this up, I can let Matt escape without any bad scars...mentally. "Hey Jun! What do you call a dense red-head who can't take a hint?-- YOU!" Davis burst out in laughter.
Jun grumbled. "DAVIS!"
"Oh, and what do you call a person who can't face the fact her "boyfriend" doesn't want her around?-- YOU!" Davis laughed again. "And..."
...40 minutes later...
"DAVIS! DAVIS! DAVIS! SHUT UP!!" Jun snapped.
"But wait! What do you call a loser?-- YOU! And-"
"AAAAHHH!!!" Jun screamed.
Just in time, too. I was running out of very bad jokes and disses.
Davis sighed."It's...it's 4:25! Matt left 10 minutes ago!!" Jun cried. "I'LL MISS HIM!!"
"Good." Davis beamed.
"But no matter!" Jun nodded. "I'll find him-- track him down!" She picked up her things, a map of the country, and a survival kit (out of nowhere) and ran out of the house.
Davis sighed. "...uh, darn it."
**********
Matt sighed, sitting on the tour bus. He took a bite of his apple, and laid back on his bed. "Life can't be that bad. Touring is the best!"
"Matt." One of his band members announced. "Phone."
"Uh huh." Matt got up and picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"What are the whereabouts of you right now?" Asked a perky voice.
"Uh…" He looked out the window. "I think I'm about North of Odaiba right now. Just on the border of town. Why?"
"I'm right beside you, Matt!" The voice gasped. "The bus is right beside your bus! I'll be hopping on in a second!"
"…who are you?" Matt asked.
"Me, Matt! Look out the window! It's Jun!" The voice beamed.
Matt, shocked if he might see someone really strange like Jun holding up a wedding ring, but instead the line beeped. Matt grinned and said, "Sorry, Jun, another call waiting!" He pressed the button and sighed. "Thank you, whoever you are, for saving me from Jun Motomiya-"
"I know."
"And may faith be with you always."
"Thanks, Matt, but- JUN!!" The person gasped. "Oh, by the way, this is Davis!"
"Oh, hey Davis." Matt said. "How are you?"
"Don't play dumb. I'm on your side. I know all of Jun's tricks. She'll try to be a delivery person and try to get on your bus. Whatever you do DON'T give into the torture! I'm counting on you, Matt. I'm counting on you to survive!"
"…What the heck is up with that?" Matt laughed. "You sound like a jedi warrior!"
"Shut up, don't laugh!" Davis snapped. "I'll call in once in awhile every hour, be sure to never leave a call unanswered. And if I don't call during Jun's calls, pretend someone is. In other words, HANG UP! BIG TIME!"
"Don't worry, I will." Matt sweat-dropped. "But why'd your sister have to pick me?"
"Because she's dense. She doesn't know any better!" Davis scoffed.
"In this case, I'll have to agree with you. But if you meant that in a 'I hate you, Matt' sort of way, then shut up." Matt stated.
"Fine, be that way!" Davis scoffed again. "Just wanted to warn you!" And he hung up.
Matt hung up too. He shut his blinds so he couldn't see Jun across the street.
"Hey Matt. We're almost at the Sora-Dome." Said one of his band members, Tek. (BTW, Sora means sky in Japanese. So if you didn't notice, that's just a big pun off of the Skydome in Toronto!)
"Oh, sure." Matt sighed. "A--"
"Oh, and...Trent's doing a voice check downstairs. He wants you back there...pronto." Tek muttered. "Could be bad."
"Could be awful. Could be terrible! Could be-"
"It's only Trent. How bad could it be?" Tek asked.
***
"...How long have you been singing? When did you learn to play guitar and why did you quit horseback riding?" Trent babbled.
"Uh...I've been singing for 4 years, I learned to play the guitar at 12 and I've never horseback rode in my life. Next?" Matt asked, his voice sore.
"Okay. Moving on. These are one answer questions, so say either 'yes', 'no' or 'maybe'. Okay?"
"...huh? Oh yeah..."
"Now! When did you stop wearing diapers?"
"Won't answer that."
"Okay, do you like horses?"
"No."
"Do you like watching TV?"
"Uh...yeah."
"Do you like fixing TVs?"
"Can Martha Stewart do everything?"
"No." Trent muttered.
"My point exactly!" Matt snapped. "Next?"
"Okay, do you have fans?"
"Yes."
"Do they love you?"
"Obviously."
"Do I have fans?"
"You're only a drummer, Trent."
"Is there hope for me getting a girlfriend at the next concert?"
"No."
"Will I get a girlfriend soon in my lifetime?"
"How long is a billion years?"
Trent grumbled. "Well--"
"Trent, why do I have to go through with this every show?" Matt snapped.
"Just to test your voice." Trent beamed.
"Test it?!" Matt snarled. "You're KILLING it."
"EVERYBODY ON STAGE!" Larry hollered. "10 minutes till show!"
"Anyone got cough drops?" Matt asked, grabbing his guitar off the table. "I'm DYING here." He glared at Trent, as he merely just shrugged.
"We just ran out." Tek said.
"Oh, and isn't this the most perfect time too!" Matt groaned, sarcastically. His voice coarse and harsh. "I need water--"
"No, Matt!" Larry shouted. "The drinking fountain is miles away!!"
Matt looked at him confused. "Larry...stop hallucinating. It's just over there." He pointed, just a few inches away from him, was the drinking fountain. "...dense."
Larry shrugged. "5 minutes till show! Everyone on stage! Introduction begins now!"
"Where's Matt?" Tek asked. "We have to be on there early. We're promoting our new album and there's no use having a concert without a lead singer!"
"I can sing." Trent beamed.
"You can screech." Tek corrected. "Huh? Oh Matt, there you are."
"Huh? Oh yeah. Stage, right." Matt walked towards the stage. "Show time..."
************
The crowd cheered with appreciation, as Matt, Trent, Tek and Larry walked out. Tek sniffed, "...They love us."
"Either that, or they love Matt." Trent whispered. Tek laughed.
"Thank you!" Matt shouted, over the yells of fans. Matt was about to start singing, as all of a sudden some people threw some fan on the stage. Matt bent down to see who it was, and was about to say, "Are you okay?" or something, but the person automatically sprung up and tried to kiss him. Matt thought, Should've known better. 2 bodyguard men people came up and tossed the girl back into the crowd. They saluted and walked back.
Matt shrugged. He turned back to the crowd and beamed, "How y'all feelin'?"
"GOOD!!!" Everyone yelled.
"A-" Matt was interrupted by a person, singled out in the crowd. The person made Matt shriek. Matt feared to say anything stupid, for the love of his fans. So he gulped and sighed. "Hey...l-look. We have a y-young lady who v-v-volunteers to sing the next song with me. What's your name?"
"JUN!" The girl chorused. "JUN MOTOMIYA!"
The crowd weeped.
"Wait, wait...Uh...Jun would you like to come up and give some other band member besides me a hug?" Matt asked.
"Well, no thank you. Giving you a hug would make my day perfect!" Jun beamed, running up stage.
"Psst!" Tek whispered. "Hey Matt. Do you have that sinking feeling when-"
"Yes, Tek! I do...now shut up." Matt hissed. Jun ran up, kissed Matt on the cheek and hugged him so he turned blue.
"...i want a hug." Trent whimpered.
"You'd oughta want COMMON SENSE too, If you know what I mean." Tek snapped.
"This is all too much. Can we play now?" Larry asked.
"So which song are we singing together?" Jun asked. "How about I'm worthless, let me die? Or...Rings of despair? Or...how about...I turn around! That's a personal fave."
"It's not for- Oh! ...oh yeah. Sure...whatever you say...Miss Motormouth..." Matt muttered, under his breath. "One, two, three...hit it..." He sighed, aggravated. My life has officially ended.
Jun beamed, screeching awfully. "IT MAY NOT ALWAY BE THAT WAY! YOU CAN'T TAKE NOTHIN' FOR-"
"HEY!" Trent jumped up from his seat. "Lower the stage!"
Matt gasped when he remember their escape route. The stage would lower as the fans come up and get autographed CDs from them.
"Hey...what about our duet, Matt?" Jun asked, all of a sudden clutching on to him.
Matt gasped, nervously, "Listen, lady, I don't know you. Now line up for autographs, okay?" He rushed over to his seat. "Who's first?"
Jun sniffed. "It's like he's ignoring me..."
"No duh, dense sister of mine." Davis, surprisedly, walked up to Jun.
"Davis?" Jun gasped. "What are-"
"Oh come on! I know you're not THAT dense." Davis laughed. "All of Odaiba bought tickets to the 'Platinum Hits' tour. But only we got backstage passes!" Davis waved a bright red coupon in Jun's face. "Smell the Matt...the Matt you can't have 'cause you can't take a hint!" He laughed.
Jun sniffed. "When did he give away backstage passes?"
"Oh, his band did." Davis said. "To me, the rest of my friends, and the rest of his friends his age. He even mailed them to Mimi, Michael and Willis in America! They're already here! We get to go on his tour bus around the country!" He beamed, cackling evilly. "And we'll be leaving you behind!" He cackled loudly. "And besides, we don't NEED autographs. He lives right in our community! In fact, doesn't he live on OUR street, 6 houses down in the apartment building on the left? Doesn't he?! DOESN'T HE?! Admit it, you never knew! And--"
"Davis..." Demiveemon muttered, tugging on Davis shorts.
Jun stared at it. "Did that thing talk?"
"It's robotic. I got it from MATT!" Davis beamed. "Matt's like my best buddy's bro! In other words, I got to know him better. He's the only one who knows I only change my boxers one every 2 months and-"
"Davis, you disgrace yourself." Demiveemon grinned.
"Huh? How can my own digi-" Davis paused, and his firm face turned into a fake laugh. "Eh he heh...heh...nice robotic puppy, dinosaur, alligator thing." He patted Demiveemon on the head.
"Do I get a treat?" Demiveemon asked.
"...no." Davis muttered. Then he cleared his throat, "Let's go to Matt's BACKSTAGE bus BACKSTAGE where only those with BACKSTAGE passes can enter it! ...BACKSTAGE!" He cackled again, even louder.
"Davis, learn to shut up." Demiveemon smiled.
"Why don't you first?" Davis whispered, walking away.
Jun gritted her teeth and fiercely grumbled, "I'm going on that bus with Matt! I'll follow him till the end of time! And no one can stop me!"
***********
Matt sighed, when he got on the bus later. "Finally, leaving..." Just then the phone rang. Matt picked it up. He cleared his throat and muttered, "Hey, this is Barney."
"Oh, well can I speak to Matt, please? Tell 'im it's Davis." Davis muttered.
Matt sighed with relief, "I almost died today-"
"Oh, I know, I know!" Davis smirked. "But luckily for you, I sent Jun on a wild goose chase!"
"What?"
"I told her you gave us all backstage passes, and so she went searchin' for 'em." Davis grinned. "Life is sweet!"
"How did she ever believe you?" Matt asked, confused.
"Oh, I showed her this coupon for 5 free burgers at Burger World. I flashed it so quickly, she didn't even see the words on it." Davis laughed. "Dense, eh?"
"Don't count on it."
"Huh?"
"If I know Jun, she'll be back. She probably chose between getting a backstage pass and getting closer to Matt faster than Tai eating a banquet." Matt sighed.
"That's pretty fast." Davis muttered.
"Tell me about it." Matt moaned. "I gotta go!"
"Okay, but steer CLEAR of Jun!" Davis warned before he hung up.
Matt sighed and hung up too. He then gasped as Larry came running in. Matt sighed again, "It's only-"
"Matt! There's this mad girl on the bus!" Larry babbled. "She's looking for you, you better hide!"
"Does she have red spiky hair?" Matt asked quickly.
"Yes, yes, yes. Now hide!" Larry snapped. He shoved Matt in a closet, as he bumped into the girl on the way out. "Huh? Jun!"
"Have you seen Matt?" Jun asked.
"No!" Larry snapped. "He's not in the closet, stop asking!" And he stormed out.
Jun reached for the closet and pulled it open...Matt wasn't there... Jun frowned, "I thought he was trying to give away easy answers." She shut the closet, as something thudded to the ground from up above, and Jun had already left the room.
Matt climbed out of the closet, his hair ruffled, and he was exhausted. "I can't win!" He cried. "I can't-"
"You okay, Matt?" Tek asked, walking in. "That girl left already."
"Tek, you moron, we're on a moving bus! She didn't just leap off-"
"Yeah, she did." Tek nodded. "So, we're headed for our next location. Do you wanna grab a bite to eat?"
"I just wanna live to see the day!!" Matt cried.
"...what day?" Tek asked.
"The day she'll quit bothering-- no, STALKING me!!!" Matt complained. "We gotta end this tour! We gotta end it! Tell the driver to turn around, back to Odaiba!"
"...are you sure about this, Matt?" Tek asked. "We're almost at the Air Nagano Centre, and we have over 16 million people waiting to see-"
"Let them wait longer!" Matt snapped. "If it's for my life, It MUST be important!"
Tek looked at Matt, "Let me get this straight...you...are ditching all the beautiful fans...because of beautiful you?"
"YES!!" Matt cried. "So I can live!!"
Tek, carefully and cautiously, walked out of the room and shut the door.
***3 WEEKS LATER IN ODAIBA***
Larry chewed on a piece of limburger cheese and burped. Clearing his throat, he gagged, coughed, spit and sighed. "...tell me again why we quit our 1st ever tour?"
"'Cause Matt wanted to live." Trent muttered. "Lousy, huh?"
"Well if I died, you wouldn't have a lead singer!" Matt argued.
"I can sing." Trent beamed.
"You can screech!" Tek snapped. "Didn't I tell you that already?"
Trent sighed. "Now no one wants to go to a concert with a bunch of sissies."
"Sissies?" Larry asked.
"Yeah. Look." Trent pointed to the news bulletin.
"And now, exactly 3 weeks ago, Odaiba's #1 sissies, 'Rebellion' quit on their first tour. Reporters questioned Matt Ishida, the lead singer, and he just said, 'SOME FREAK WAS FOLLOWING ME!' ...end quote. A new tour will consist, as Ishida stated, 'FAR AWAY FROM JUN MOTOMIYA, IN THE CITY OF ATLANTIS!' end quote. ...but when investigators figured out The City of Atlantis was a sunken city, Ishida fled from the scene. ...back to you, Satoshi...."
Trent sighed again, "...we suck."
"Here, here." Everyone else agreed, except Matt.
Matt muttered, "At least I lived to see the day."
"What day?" Larry asked.
"The day Jun-" Matt's sentence was cut short. Just then the doorbell rang. Matt got up to get it. He opened the door wide and shrieked.
"HI MATT! IT'S ME JUN!!"
Matt ran back into his room, and drilled the door shut.
"...What day was that again?" Larry asked.
**************
Hope ya liked it! ^_~ Finally a humor idea! And get this. I finally get a humor idea, when a Christmas idea pops up instead. #_# So, keep lookin' for my Christmas Special Digimon Fic called, 'A Kari Christmas'. Please review, if ya liked it!