A/N: Here's my first actual chapter story! I'm going to be updating every week, so if you're interested in it, I suggest you either story alert it, add it to your favorites, or follow it. Detailed reviews would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
- Coldplay
Fix You
A Phineas and Ferb fanfiction
Written by DroopyPanda
Language: English
Rating: T
Genres: Angst, hurt/comfort
Summary:
"Do you ever think the pain will go away? Do you think someday we will be able to enjoy the rest of our summer again? I can't do this. I mean, I want to make everyday count, but I just…"
Phineas and Ferb were inseparable. But now, with Phineas built up in depression, the brothers are slowly drifting apart. Will their friendship be re-united again or will depression get the best of him?
Chapter One: A Different Beginning
Phineas hadn't said anything since last night. He hadn't slept, he hadn't eaten, and Ferb was concerned. The two boys were sitting in silence under the tree. Ferb could feel the tension between them.
Phineas faced Ferb, a despondent look in his eyes. "Ferb, do you ever think about the heavy stuff in life?"
"Why so pessimistic, Phineas?" Ferb asked, flustered.
"I don't know. I've just been thinking a lot lately, Ferb, and I realized that everything's shit. I don't even know why I even bother to get up in the morning when all I see is shit. How can you go on when nothing makes you happy?"
Ferb nodded. That was all he could do for his brother. He wanted to be sympathetic, but he knew rationally that only Phineas could really understand himself. Even though he was concerned, Ferb never really said much, but that was just Ferb being Ferb, honestly. The look in his eyes showed that he cared. You could see that he cared. He cared deeply for Phineas, and even without words, Phineas knew his brother cared.
Ferb reached for Phineas and put his arm on his shoulder. The two brothers were quiet with their thoughts. Ferb never left his brother's sight, and he wasn't going to now, especially not when Ferb saw him in this much pain. Ferb knew Phineas was thinking about something that caused him a lot of misery. Phineas was never this quiet, and Ferb wanted to console his brother: he just didn't know how. But, apparently, the touch of a shoulder was enough.
What if Ferb would never hear again Phineas say, "Hey, I know what we're going to do today!" What if this was going to be the rest of their summer, the two brothers sitting under the tree, as their mom always saw them when they really had just done something so far-fetched? What if that soon became a reality? Ferb had to stop thinking too far into this. After all, it could just be one day. But what if one day turned into two, and then the days started multiplying?
Ferb shrugged. He wanted to cry. Oh, god, he wanted to cry, but he held it all in. He looked at Phineas. Phineas was pondering. Ferb could usually tell what was going on in Phineas's mind, but as much as he tried, he couldn't figure it out. Rollercoasters? No. Gelatin monsters? No. Tree house fights? No. It wasn't any of that. So what was it? Ferb put his hands over his head in distress. What was wrong with Phineas? Ferb wondered, but he was too worried and concerned for his brother to say anything.
Ferb, after moments of thinking, raised his head back up and watched Phineas as he stared down at the grass, picking leaves and tearing them apart. What was going on in his head? It was beginning to make Ferb anxious. He sighed, sighed because he didn't know what to do for his brother. He wanted to take all his pain away, but he knew that Phineas could only get through this on his own, whatever it was that was tormenting him. And Ferb was scared.
Why was Phineas so upset? That's what Ferb couldn't figure out. Had something happened that Ferb didn't know about? Why would Phineas keep something from him? They were inseparable. They knew everything about each other. Now they were slowly drifting apart. Or at least that was how Ferb felt. Phineas was in an episode of depression. Who ever would have thought the boy who was once so lively and full of adventure could change so suddenly and see the world as nothing but empty and hollow?
Phineas looked up at the sky, lost in thought. "What's the point in living if the things that once made you happy now only bring you pain?"
Ferb moved closer to Phineas. He hated seeing him like this. It was tearing him apart. What could he do? That was the question he kept asking himself over and over again. Nothing. He could do nothing. He could build a rollercoaster with his brother, but he couldn't do anything to make him feel better? You can't just make someone happy, Ferb thought to himself, but he definitely wished there were a way to help him. Nothing came to mind.
Ferb couldn't just sit there and watch Phineas look like he was going to waste away. He looked so pale and his eyes turned from a bright blue to a dark, gloomy gray. There was clearly something wrong. Ferb bit his lip to try to hold back the tears. It had been hours and all they had done was sit under the tree.
Phineas…
He was quiet still, staring out into the distance. He was wrapped in the chaos of his thoughts. He was in complete turmoil, trying to control them, but the thoughts just kept racing faster and faster in his head. That's all they ever did now. They used to be thoughts about rollercoasters and things that would excite him, but now they were just causing him pain. The thoughts were intolerable. The thing that scared him the most was the thought of being in this state forever. Forever is a long time. He leaned back against the tree and briefly closed his eyes.
Ferb was kicking his shoes against each other. He was frustrated because he was unable to help. He hated leaving Phineas just sitting there feeling hopeless, discouraged, and incapable. This was beginning to bother him. It was chewing on his nerves. There was nothing he could do about it. All he could do was watch him in constant pain. That was the thing he hated the most.
Phineas, what's wrong?
Ferb couldn't get the words out. Three simple words. He just couldn't. He was too worried for his brother to say anything. He felt a throbbing in his throat when in reality everything was completely fine. Completely fine. Everything was completely fine. FINE?
Phineas's arms and legs were shaking. "Think rollercoasters, think rollercoasters."
He repeated this to himself several times. He drew in deep breaths, trying to calm himself.
Phineas…
Phineas, are you O.K.?
Ferb knew the answer. He just wished there was something he could do to get the thoughts out of his brother's head. What was he thinking about that was torturing him this much? Ferb thought, trying to figure out why Phineas was so depressed. He wanted to know, desperately. He wanted to find some way to fix this.
Phineas let out a long moan. Ferb almost jumped. Ferb couldn't look at him; he was scaring him too much, especially the way he was shaking like that. He looked so weak, so pale. Ferb wanted to tell him everything was O.K., and that everything was all right, but Ferb knew that he was lying to himself. Phineas looked like he was on the verge of tears, and Ferb tried to remember the last time he had seen him cry. He couldn't remember. He was usually a very happy kid. Now he didn't even know who Phineas was anymore.
Phineas finally couldn't take it. He banged his head against the tree, feeling self-loathing and unable to control himself. Ferb held onto him, trying to get him to calm down. He looked at Ferb, and then the tears came streaming down his face.
Phineas stood up. "I'm crazy!"
No, no, no, no…
Ferb wanted to tell him he wasn't, but was he lying to himself? Phineas manically paced around the backyard, swinging his arms and muttering words to himself.
"I can't do this, Ferb," Phineas said to him, staring at Ferb, who could see how much pain he was in just by looking at his eyes. "Not anymore. Damn it. I'm crazy. Crazy. Why is it me? I used to be happy. Remember one day when it was summer, and when we made our first rollercoaster? Remember when we were so proud of ourselves because of that? Why can't I be that Phineas again? What changed? What changed, Ferb?"
Ferb blinked. He couldn't answer. What had changed? His brother kept pacing, shouting at himself and throwing his arms around violently. This wasn't like him. Ferb had never seen him so unhappy.
Phineas was soon able to calm down again. He sat next to his brother in silence, his mind whirling with mixed emotions. He was pensive. Ferb was unsure what to do for him.
Phineas, if only there were some way…
How do I fix you?
How do I stop you from being in so much pain?
I can't…I want…I need you back, Phineas, how you always had those crazy ideas and that big smile on your face. How you always knew what to say. Now you hardly say a word. You're scaring me. What happened? How can I get you back? Do you even see how much you've changed?
Phineas looked at Ferb, disheartened. "Ferb, I'm sorry."
He didn't need to apologize. He didn't need to apologize for being unhappy. He couldn't help himself. Why was he apologizing? Ferb looked back at him, comforting him with his hand. A simple touch of the hand was enough to show that he cared. Phineas gave him a half-hearted smile, but inside Ferb was questioning if it was one of those smiles to fake that he was O.K., or if he really meant it. Phineas was always usually easy to figure out, but Ferb just simply couldn't read his mind.
He wished Phineas could be happy again. He wished he could help him in any way as possible, but what could he do? He was only a kid like Phineas. He couldn't even understand why his brother was so depressed. He had a great life, yet he was beating himself up.
I can't stop thinking about this. Phineas, please, please tell me why you are so upset.
Did these things just happen or was there usually a reason for it? What was Phineas's reason? Ferb could tell he was severely depressed and was thinking about things that only caused him pain, but why? However sad he was, Ferb couldn't think of any reason for him to be depressed. I mean, you'd think he would be happy, but, sometimes, you could just never tell with people.
Ferb looked around. The world was a big place. Anything could've happened, but Ferb was always with him. Wasn't he? Well, of course. They were always together, coming up with crazy ideas. Today…nothing.
But things change. Things change and people change. Even though things have changed, Ferb was still wondering what caused Phineas to feel the way he was feeling. Ferb thought change was supposed to be good, something you looked forward to. He sighed. This wasn't right. He had never pictured this happening to Phineas, but who would, especially when he was always so happy? How long was this going to last? Ferb shrugged.
Phineas buried his head in between his knees. Everything seemed shitty to him. He didn't even know how he was going to keep moving forward with his life when he was depressed. He couldn't. He couldn't get past this. The battle was too hard to fight. He figured he was just going to keep on holding onto the pain. He wished he could just take it away, but it's not that simple. Nothing's ever that simple.
Ferb was reminding himself of the past, of all the good times they have together. He mused over it. And now, while other people were having fun, Phineas was just down on the ground built up in depression.
It's O.K. No, it's not. I can't keep on lying to myself.
I'm always going to be by your side, Phineas. No matter how torn up you are on the inside, I'll always be there for you, and you'll always be my brother.
Phineas raised his head back up. He wiped his sleeve across his eyes to try to stop the tears from streaming down his face. He hated crying, but he couldn't stop. Ferb rubbed his back, trying to console him.
Phineas, I love you. You're my brother. I'm never going to let anything happen to you. I'm going to find some way to fix you, because you're my brother, and it kills me to see you so hurt.
Phineas looked across at Ferb. "Ferb?"
Ferb looked back attentively.
Phineas had a serious look in his eyes. "Do you ever think the pain will go away? Do you think someday I will be able to enjoy the rest of my summer again, making crazy inventions with you, laughing, and having fun? Fun? That's a laugh. I don't even know what that word means anymore. I can't do this. I mean, I want to make everyday count, but I just…"
Phineas was shaking. Ferb wanted to enjoy the summer, too, but he knew that his brother came first. He'd do anything for his brother. Without Phineas, well, Ferb just couldn't think about that. He needed him.
"I can't take it anymore!" Phineas shouted, his voice breaking–breaking, the way he felt inside. "I mean, I should be happy, right? Shouldn't I? I have a great life, amazing friends, and family. There's nothing for me to feel depressed about. But maybe I'm just seeing how the world really is. Maybe it really is shit. And there's no point in having a great life when everything's going to be fucked up in the end."
Ferb knew it wasn't going to be just one day. He hated the thought. He hated what happened to Phineas, how the depression got to him. Ferb let out a long sigh.
He finally couldn't watch him in this much pain any longer. He suddenly pulled him into a tight hug and didn't let go.
"Phineas, you're my brother, and brothers stick by each other's sides. I know you're in pain, so that's why I'm never going to let you go. I'm going to hug you till it hurts, hug you till the pain goes away."
And then Ferb gripped him tighter, gripped him till it hurt.