The Things I Couldn't Say...
It was everything the perfect wedding was supposed to be. My mother struggled to stifle her joyous sobs that were interspersed with 'Oh you're so beautiful's'. My long ivory gown clung in the right places and wasn't all puffy like a meringue. I was marrying the man who was giving up his military life for me after one final tour, and all my family and friends had come to wish us well.
Except, that wasn't the truth. Nor was it the perfect wedding.
My maid of honour wasn't the person she was meant to be. My cousin Louisa was lovely, sure. But she wasn't Maura. Louisa hovered around me nervously, like a bird. It seemed that at any second, she could bolt from the room never to be seen again. In truth, she was making me nervous.
Since I'd told Maura of my engagement to Casey, she'd been weird. I could almost feel her withdrawing from me and as the date grew closer, she became little more than a memory in my life: a ghost that haunted the edges of consciousness and taunted me.
Three months before the date, I received a letter from the bridal shop that confirmed the payment of my dress. I flicked through the receipt and the name signed on the bottom caused tears to well in my eyes. Her delicate writing danced over the page and I instantly missed her. Maura was my friend, my best friend, hell, my only real friend.
It wasn't that she'd stopped talking to me as such, just that we weren't 'us' any more. There were no late nights with a couple of bottles of wine, Netflix and a giant bowl full of popcorn. No private jokes and playful banter in the morgue. It was as if she'd shut down and no matter what I tried, she wouldn't, or couldn't tell me why and the more the wedding plans grew, the less time I had to try and coax the truth from her.
That receipt was the last contact we had. I'd called her on the morning of my wedding and her cell had gone straight to voicemail, as had her home phone and the office phones, even the crime lab didn't answer.
As I stood in front of the full length mirror of the honeymoon suite of the Fairmont Copley Plaza, I had never felt more alone in my life. I could see the church just one street over and my hand instinctively reached out for Maura. Not Casey, to whom I'd never really turned in time of need, but Maura who had stood by my side without wavering, for almost six years.
In the adjoining room, I could hear my mother composing herself.
"Janie?" She stepped into the doorway and smiled. It was the first time in a long time that the smile actually reached her eyes. She looked beautiful then, really beautiful. As I stared at her, I felt a tear slip down my cheek as I remembered the day we'd shopped for her outfit. It was the only bit of wedding shopping Maura had participated in. And she was uncharacteristically late.
The bridal shop was bright and full of people both joyous and crying at the same time. It echoed with the a never ending chorus of 'you look so beautiful' and 'I wish your "departed loved one" could see you now.' I hated it and made it clear.
"Why can't I just get this one?" I ran my hand over the first dress I saw before pulling it from the rack and holding it against myself. It was hideous. My mother, in horror, recoiled from the garment as one might from a venomous snake that might strike at any second.
"Because Janie," I rolled my eyes at the nickname and she laughed. "We're not here to get your dress today and," she pulled the dress from my hand and replaced it on the rack. "That is revolting."
I smiled and settled into a large chair. Almost immediately a woman appeared next to me and offered me a glass of champagne which I took and sipped as delicately as I could.
A tall woman with a bun pulled so tight it looked as though her eyes might pop out of her head, appeared from behind some ivory curtains and beamed at my mother.
"Mrs Rizzoli." She air kissed in her general area and moved stiffly away. "How nice to see you." She glanced at me quickly. "Jane!" she was curt in her dealings with me, as if somehow I didn't belong in her world of thousand dollar dresses and the delicate nuances between white, ivory and cream. 'Who cares, they're all the same' I'd said on the first visit to her 'boutique'. She was right, I didn't belong there.
We'd been there almost an hour when the bell over the door chimed.
"What do you think of this one?" It was the fifth outfit Ma had tried on and I was bored.
"It's lovely." I sighed. "A bit yellow though."
"It's lemon, Jane." The voice was soft, melodic as it floated over my shoulder before Maura took a seat in the chair next to me. She wasn't chastising me playfully as she usually had done in the past. It was a statement of fact. Nothing more.
"Maura, honey?" I felt a twist of jealousy in my gut that my mother would use such affectionate terms with Maura when I wanted to be the only one allowed such intimacies. "What do you think?"
Instantly, Maura was on her feet appraising the garment. It looked fine to me, but what did I know?
"Hmm well, the cut is a little off." She ran her hands over the material and once more I felt that twist in my gut. "How much?" She asked 'Bun Lady' curtly
"Including clutch and hat, $550." All three women stared at me as I did a champagne spit-take into my lap.
"The dress alone." Bun Lady glared at me before continuing, "$350."
Maura seemed to consider this information before continuing approval of my mother's outfit. "Well the material is machine stitched." I sat in awe, both of her knowledge and the fact she was pissing off Bun Lady and didn't appear to give a shit. "For this money, I'd prefer it to be hand stitched and the colour isn't you at all."
Bun Lady turned and stormed back towards some more emotional shoppers, leaving the three of us alone.
"Thank you, Maura." She turned and stepped from the plinth and disappeared into the back room to change.
"So, how are you?" I asked, daring to steal a glance as Maura returned to the seat next to me.
"I'm fine, thank you." She crossed her hands in her lap and smiled weakly at me. I've never seen her look so sad while smiling. "And you, are you well?"
It felt like we were strangers.
"Maur?" I twisted, facing her fully in the seat. "What's happened to us?" I swallowed away the terror that rose in my throat. I had long since guessed her reasons but had never dared to ask. The fact that I had right now surprised even me.
"I just can't..."
"How about this." Like the perfect tension-breaking, cock-blocking genius she was, Angela Rizzoli reappeared in yet another ensemble, this one in a pink.
Maura seemed pleased with the distraction and was immediately back on her feet. She flitted over the outfit in silence, her head hung as she inspected it for quality and cut. Seemingly pleased with both, she hugged my mother briefly and paused as she passed me. "It's not pink, it's peach." she whispered, squeezing my shoulder fiercely before she left the store.
"Oh Ma." She hugged me, careful not to cry onto my dress. "You look so beautiful."
She ran her hands over herself and smiled coyly back at me. "She chose well."
For the first time in her life, my mother had avoided prying into my life and asking the giant question that was on everyone's lips. She hadn't once asked where Maura was, if she would be in the wedding or anything. In fact, it was as if the name Maura Isles had been wiped from her vocabulary.
The tears slipped, unchecked, down my cheeks as she fussed around me, adjusting my hair here and there and generally being Ma.
"I always thought you two were dating." she said suddenly. "I was so surprised when you told me about Casey." My knees turned to jelly there and then and I sat heavily on the edge of the bed.
"You what?" I tried to be surprised but it just wasn't there. Everyone at some point thought we were dating, hell, even I had to question it now and then!
"It would be OK if you were." Her face had turned dark and serious as she settled on the window frame, her dark eyes fixing me in their gaze as they had so often when I was a child. "She's a wonderful woman." she continued sadly, "And she was perfect for you Jane."
"Ma!" I choked on my tears and wiped angrily at my face, smearing mascara over my cheeks. "I'm not a lesbian."
Angela hung her head and sniffed as she wrung a delicate handkerchief in her hands. "I didn't say you were honey. I'm just saying you and Maura, you seemed to have..." she wiped her nose softly before meeting my eyes. "More."
More. That word hung there, filling the void that Maura had created with her absence.
"Well where is she?" I didn't mean to be angry at her, I wasn't really. "I don't see her here." It hurt that she was poking the open wounds that were still too raw.
"And if she were?" Ma was used to my outbursts and seemed unphased.
"Well she's not."
With that, Ma got to her feet and left silently.
I fixed my make up – more thanks going to Maura for teaching me the delicacies of 'less is more' – and a knock came at the door, I took a deep breath and pulled myself together as best I could.
"You look amazing!" Korsak stood in the doorway, a giant grin on his face and a tear in his eye. He'd sobbed openly when I'd asked him to give me away. With everything we'd been through, it seemed like the right thing to do.
"Ready?" He asked.
I nodded and took his arm. It was both weird and comforting and we rode the elevator in silence.
The church was beautiful, small, and ornate in its carvings. Almost everyone was inside when we pulled up and Vince opened the door for me. My Uncle Shawn was outside smoking a cigar and he grinned at me, showing his hideously oranged teeth.
"Janie-pop, you look a million." He dropped his cigar to the floor and crushed it with his heel before coughing violently into a handkerchief and heading back into the church. Louisa followed him quickly before returning a few moments later.
"Are you ready?" She whispered.
Was I ready? I swallowed and squeezed my eyes closed. No. I wasn't. But it was now or never so I had to be ready.
I nodded at her and she took her place in the doors of the church and, as the wedding march began, she began the weird wedding-walk down the aisle.
At my side, Vince kissed my cheek softly and as I looped my arm in his, I felt him fighting a tearful shudder.
We walked up the aisle to many appreciative 'ooh's and 'oh she looks so lovely's' and my eyes scanned the crowd for that familiar blonde head. She wasn't there. I looked and looked but I couldn't see Maura. Instead there was Casey and he looked so handsome, dressed in full military uniform and a giant grin on his face. Everything happened in slow motion and it seemed to take forever to get to his side but when I did I wanted nothing more than to run. This wasn't right. There was something – someone – missing. I couldn't marry without her.
Father Crowley smiled at me as I reached the front of the church, but my own smile was less than dazzling. He said a prayer and blessed the congregation and a few hymns were sung. It all felt wrong, like I'd been drugged as was finally coming around.
Father Crowley cleared his throat and adopted a much more authoritative tone as he got down to the business we were there for.
"We are gathered here today to witness the formal joining of Charles William Jones and Jane Clementine Rizzoli in the legal state of matrimony."
There were a few giggles and I cringed as he announced my middle name to the congregation. I'd always hated it.
"You are to be married according to the orders, customs, and the authority granted by the State of Massachusetts. Matrimony, as understood by us, is a state enriched by a long and honourable tradition of devotion. According to the law, each participant is equal and supports the common rights of one another in marriage."
I felt so sick, the world was spinning and I wanted to run screaming from the church, but my feet remained solidly placed. Is this what everyone felt like on their wedding day? Was it normal jitters I was experiencing? I didn't think so but it was too late to do anything about it and Crowley just ploughed right on.
"Marriage is not just a ceremony here today. It is a commitment for life. Therefore, it is not to be entered into thoughtlessly or irresponsibly."
I felt Casey squeeze my hand and he smiled at me. He didn't look nearly as terrified as I felt. I had to get out of there.
"There must be a desire for lifelong companionship. You must support and comfort each other, through the changing experiences of life. May you laugh together in joy, grieve together in sorrow, and grow together in love."
I had that already, I didn't need to do this with Casey. I had that with Maura.
"Marriage means caring as much about the welfare and happiness of your partner as about your own well-being. It also means working together to create and sustain a home in which the marriage may flourish."
I don't think I'd seen Casey's home. He always stayed at mine. Did he have a home other than the military and his dusty tent in the butthole of Afghanistan?
"With this understanding Charles Jones and Jane Rizzoli wish to be joined in matrimony." I tried to open my mouth, to say that 'No, I didn't wish these things' but it felt full of marshmallows and no sound would come out. I was going to have to marry him if my stupid mouth wouldn't make words to stop it from happening. It's not over until someone says 'I do'...
"Therefore: If any persons can show just and sufficient reason why these two persons may not be joined in matrimony, let them now declare reasons, or else from this time forward, keep their peace."
Someone cleared their throat, then from the back of the church came a voice.
"I do!"
We all turned to the back, towards that voice and I was so glad that everyone else had turned in their seat and couldn't see the tears that streamed down my face as she stood there, easily the most beautiful person in the building in her jeans and summer tank, one hand stuffed awkwardly in her pocket. In that moment, the nausea, the doubt and the horrible cotton mouth all vanished and I was focused and clear.
Uncle Shawn was on his feet almost immediately, the only one who seemed to have gotten enough of his senses collected to do something about this interruption.
"Come on, missy." His hands went out and were within inches of Maura when her eyes met mine.
"Get your hands off of her!" Oh, that was me. My voice thundered around the church, leaving a deafening silence in its wake. "Let her speak."
Casey stared, slack-jawed at me and that, that one ridiculous expression, was the reason I knew I wouldn't marry him. If he thought for just one millisecond that I would ever not listen to her. Well, again. I had a lot of making up to do.
Maura smiled and I knew then I was forgiven. All the stupid things I had done and she was still here. I saw Ma grinning at me like the Cheshire cat. She'd made no secret that she didn't at all like Casey and I think, no, I know she was thrilled that Maura had interrupted the wedding.
"Jane." Maura's voice was small but honest. She'd obviously come here to say her piece and she would be heard. I loved that tone on her, it had always made my knees weak. "I know this is the worst time to say this and that I should have come out and told you long ago but I can't let you marry him."
She started down the aisle to the horrified reaction of much of my family. The only ones who didn't seem at all phased, were Ma, Frankie, Frost and Korsak, their expressions echoed what my mother had said back in the suite. They'd all just assumed things about me and Maura that were now coming true and were more natural for them than anything I'd ever had with Casey.
"I love you. I get excited whenever I'm about to see you and before you've even left the house, I miss you."
"Get her out of here." Casey snarled next to me. "This isn't right Maura." he spat. "If you love her, let her be happy. With me!"
I stepped away from him, this stranger beside me. Did he really not understand what Maura meant to me?
"See, but she's not happy with you Casey." Maura didn't seem at all phased by his outburst and, thankfully, everyone else was too surprised to do much more than sit, open-mouthed and watch as this spectacle unfolded before them. "She wants to love you, I know she does and she's tried but we all know she's happiest when you're in Afghanistan and away from her."
Casey looked back and forth between us, his mouth flapping silently as rage coloured his cheeks with a deep red, almost purple.
"Its my bed she sleeps in Casey, my arms she craves when she can't sleep." I could feel myself nodding. "I don't want to hurt you but she doesn't really want to be with you."
"Really?" He was apoplectic, almost to the point of catatonia.
Maura turned her attention back to me and I swallowed loudly.
"Jane. It's always been you. When I wake up in the morning, when I feed Bass and let Jo Friday out in the yard before making our breakfast, when I start an autopsy or file a report you are always there, in my thoughts. I long to be with you even when we have just parted and when I am about to see you I am beside myself with elation. My heart is full and when you touch me I am home, only to no home I have ever known before. It is a place that is warm and full and safe."
She walked slowly, but purposefully, towards me and everything else fell away. Finally, something on this day felt right and I found myself walking towards her.
"I knew it the first time I touched you, I handed you a tissue and our fingers brushed and that was it, I just knew that somehow, we were meant to be."
"Maura." My voice wobbled and she stopped, less than two feet from me, her arm extended and a clean white tissue in her hand.
"Tell me you don't feel it Jane, tell me you don't love me and I will pay for the wedding as an apology and walk right out."
Time froze, suspended in that second. Do I jump?
"Well?" Casey's voice cracked into the bubble we'd always had around us and I turned, almost confused as to why he was still there. "Tell her, Jane. Tell her you don't love her!"
I smiled at her.
Her magical hazel eyes shining with love and unshed tears.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. Maura hiccuped as the first tear fell down her face and I turned back to face Casey. "I'm sorry, Casey." My fingers intertwined with Maura's and the spark that was always there practically burned my flesh as she squeezed so hard I feared she may break something in my hand.
"I'm sorry Casey but I don't love you." His knees buckled and he sat heavily on the small steps at the front of the church, Father Crowley immediately going to comfort him. "She's right. She's always been right!"
Her tear streaked face so beautiful, I turned and faced Maura, then captured her lips with my own. She tasted like cinnamon and safety with a hint of scotch.
With our fingers linked, we faced the door and walked out into the sunlight. Behind us, I could hear the cheers from Frankie, Frost and Korsak and my mother's hysterical sobs of 'I always wanted a doctor in the family.'
For all the things I couldn't say, I had Maura. I could always rely on her to say them for me.