PRIMARILY COLOR "Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics....

This is the fourteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows

"Rose-Colored Lenses,"
"The Tie That Chokes,"
"That Thing You Say,"
"'Shipped Out,"
"Andrea Speaks!",
"Cheered Down,"
"None in the Family, Part One,"
"None in the Family, Part Two,"
"Outvoted,"
"Of Absolute Value,"
"Breaking the Mold,"
"Surreal World," and
"Erin the Head."

I give it between a 2S and a 2.5S...

The title, of course, is derived from Primary Colors by Anonymous (actually the prominent Newsweek columnist, Joe Klein). That book detailed a Bill Clinton-like man's rise to power in the 1992 presidential election. It has absolutely nothing to do with the theme of this fanfic... but I liked the play on the title. : >

WARNING: This fanfic contains some offensive language, though it's placed in a context that is not meant to offend.

That said... Enjoy!!!

Ten Spot Promo: Another made-up one -- a parody of the Britney Spears video,"Hit Me, Baby." Only it's Brittany in the Britney Spears role, wearing sexy lingerie and dancing around. Daria, Jane, and Quinn are her slumber party buddies, and they're also dancing around, wearing sexy lingerie. Brittany keeps tripping over the dance moves. Quinn keeps trying to jump in front of her. Daria performs her moves very mechanically. You can picture the rest. ; >

Until new Ten Spot Promos come along...

[intro theme music...................]

PRIMARILY COLOR

Kara Wild

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, after school)

(Shot of Jodie standing at her locker, fiddling with the combination, the hallway behind her nearly empty. Most students have gone home, and Jodie is making a routine stop before heading off to a student council meeting. She opens her locker and spies a folded white piece of paper lying on top of her other things. Jodie frowns mildly. She didn't put it there, but maybe Mack did, or someone from student council. She unfolds the paper with an air of nonchalance and reads.)

(As she reads, we see her face grow progressively pale. At one point, she bites her lip to avoid crying out. Finally, she blinks hard and crumples the paper into a ball, then hurls it as far as it will go. The paper lands softly on the ground and lies there for several seconds, while Jodie watches it, her face now red. She blinks hard and takes deep breaths, trying to calm down. At long last, she slams her locker shut and starts off in the opposite direction, determined to forget about what she'd read. But after taking a few steps, she turns around and looks at the crumpled-up note in the distance again. We see her shoulders sink down, and a defeated look in her eyes. She walks toward the note.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 2 (a short time later)

(We see Jodie sitting in a corner of the hallway, her back against one of the lockers. Her legs are pressed to her chest, and she is holding the now-unfolded note. She turns it from side to side, looking at it with a dull expression. She is so absorbed in her own thoughts, she doesn't notice Quinn walking right past her in the direction of the bathroom, and Quinn doesn't notice her.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 3 (bathroom)

(Shot of Quinn walking blithely through the door and up to the mirror. She immediately begins her afterschool, pre-Fashion Club meeting grooming. This ritual lasts for several seconds, during which time Quinn hums to herself in a chipper tone. Suddenly we hear the door to one of the stalls open slowly, then see Sandi appear onscreen. Her expression is wary -- she evidently hoped to have the bathroom to herself, and Quinn's presence isn't cause for joy. Similarly, Quinn 's face takes on an expression of shock. Both immediately mask their feelings with phony smiles.)

QUINN: (faux gracious) Oh hi, Sandi. So good to see you.

SANDI: (also faux gracious, but her heart sounding less into it) Hi, Quinn. Likewise.

QUINN: Don't you usually have student council meetings today?

(Beat)

SANDI: (smirking, starting to apply make-up) Yes, but they're willing to wait until I've reached my optimum level of attractiveness. That's how it is when you're the one bright spot in their entire day.

QUINN: (faux interested) Wow, really? (little laugh.) 'Cause I could've sworn someone else said something completely different. Jodie, was it? (At that, Sandi gets a dark look on her face.) Oh, but I'm sure I just heard wrong. There probably couldn't be a student council without you, Sandi. [*] see "Surreal World"

SANDI: Yes. (Pause. glances sideways at Quinn. faux friendly.) Oh by the way, Quinn, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you still haven't fixed your problem.

QUINN: (suspicious, but trying to hide it) What problem is that?

(Sandi eyes Quinn's glasses. Quinn purses her lips and tries to remain civil.)

QUINN: Oh these? (uneasy laugh.) These're no problem, besides the field of optometry is coming closer and closer to making contact lenses for my type of astigmatism and until then no one minds them. There is no problem. None.

SANDI: (smirking) If you say so.

(Beat. Now neither she nor Quinn can conceal the irritation they feel toward one another. Quinn focuses her attention on the mirror, proceeds to brush her hair with faux nonchalance.)

QUINN: Y' know, I was just thinking...

SANDI: (cocking a brow) Yes?

QUINN: (through clenched teeth) How really great it is that we can finally talk to each other like normal people --

SANDI: (eyes narrowing) You mean without having to suck up and put on phony displays to make the other person think we like them when in fact --

QUINN: We hate their guts! Exactly.

(She and Sandi eye each other venomously.)

SANDI: (slowly) Gee, I'm glad to hear you feel that way. I guess you won't take it so hard then when I tell you the quality of the fashion at this school has taken a serious plunge since you became Fashion Club president.

QUINN: (bracing herself) Oh?? And just how do you think you could correct it??

SANDI: Well I could just find a replacement, (smirks.) but better if I recommend to my fellow council members that the club be penalized, maybe a cut in funding to make its members really see the errors of --

QUINN: (jaw dropping) You wouldn't.

SANDI: (faux innocent) Why not? If it's for the good of the school.

(Quinn looks ready to give a really nasty retort, one that could possibly provoke a catfight. But then she straightens up, tosses her hair, and smirks.)

QUINN: Go ahead, then. Not like anyone will listen to you.

(Sandi's eyes narrow. Quinn knows she's won. She takes her make-up, gives Sandi a nod, and starts to leave. Sandi tries to shore up her dignity.)

SANDI: Oh Quinn? (Bt) Next time you come in here to apply make-up, don't bother to bring mascara. (smirks.) No one will see it.

(Pause. Quinn turns and gives Sandi a death stare. Sandi returns it with a hard look of her own.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (lockers, a short time later)

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing beside their lockers, getting ready to leave.)

JANE: So... what say we forego our usual pizza for the new chili place in the mall? All you can eat.

DARIA: Does it provide you with a new stomach in case the old one gives way?

JANE: Hmm... we'll have to see. (Just then, we see Mack and Jodie walk past them in the foreground.) Hey there, love bird-erinos!

(Mack and Jodie continue to walk without acknowledging her or Daria. Jane frowns.)

DARIA: (deadpan) What did you expect? Who in their right minds would respond to that nickname?

JANE: Say Daria, did Jodie look kind of funny to you?

(Cut to shot of Jodie and Mack -- pan to follow them. As Jane noticed, Jodie is still pale and visibly shaken from the note. Mack is gazing at it and frowning darkly.)

MACK: (shaking his head) I can't believe it. I'll kill whoever wrote this.

JODIE: (distressed) Look Michael, can we please just let this go? I don't want to think about it anymore.

MACK: Jodie, we can't let this go. That jerk obviously put this in your locker hoping to intimidate you. We have to show it to somebody.

JODIE: (irritation creeping in) To Ms. Li so she can say "We'll look into it" and nothing happens?? I've been through this before, and that's how it always goes.

MACK: (determined) Then we'll have to show it to someone else...

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 5 (Landon residence, evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jodie, Mack, and Michele Landon sitting in the living room. Andrew Landon's pacing furiously around the room, reading from the sheet of paper.)

ANDREW: ... Uppity black bitch slut mother f--

JODIE: Dad!

ANDREW: (continuing, checking language) You have no bleeping business being president of our school. Better hand the job over to someone who knows what he or she is doing --!

JODIE: (meeker) Dad, please...

MICHELE: (sharp) That's enough, Andrew.

ANDREW: (muttering) And go hang out with the other nigger welfare queens -- (crumples up the paper, flings it to the ground, kicks it.) God dammit, I'm madder than hell!!

MACK: (sober) It kind of had that effect on us, too, sir.

MICHELE: (taking the paper, smoothing it out) Jodie, I can't believe this has happened to you before and you never told us.

JODIE: The last time was a long time ago. Before I even became president.

ANDREW: Dammit, none of my kids're on welfare!

MICHELE: (to Jodie) That doesn't matter. This kind of hate-filled, fear-mongering diatribe should not go unpunished.

ANDREW: I pay my taxes! Hell, when I see a welfare mother, I get as scornful as the rest of them!

MICHELE: Drew, settle down. (to Jodie) Do you have any idea who might've written this?

JODIE: No. (Pause. gets a thoughtful frown.) Wait... (sighs.) no.

MACK: (grim) Anybody with an inferiority complex.

ANDREW: It doesn't matter who wrote these notes -- the point is, you went to the ones in charge for help, and they didn't do anything!

MICHELE: Yes, exactly. And it's that kind of sitting-on-their-hands philosophy that keeps minorities down at these majority-white schools.

JODIE: (peevish) So what are you suggesting? That I storm Ms. Li's office and threaten her until she agrees to hunt down whoever's responsible??

ANDREW: Hell, why not? That woman's got enough surveillance equipment.

MICHELE: No, Drew, I think we should be the ones to do the threatening. (stands up and walks over to the phone.)

JODIE: (wary) What are you doing?

MICHELE: There's got to be a civil rights violation somewhere in this.

(Beat. Jodie realizes what her mom's about to do. Her eyes widen.)

JODIE: Mom, no! If you make a big deal out of this, everyone's gonna find out about it!

ANDREW: (scoffing) So what? It's about time.

MICHELE: (picking up the phone) Don't you see, sweetheart, that we've got to kill this cancerous growth before it spreads? If you're silenced by these threats, then just imagine all the smart black women who could follow. Think of Rachel.

ANDREW: Yeah. And this is just the kind of crap your mother and I dealt with when we first moved to Lawndale.

MICHELE: And when I was senior V.P. at U.S. World. (starts dialing.)

JODIE: (desperate) But don't you see?? I have to be with these people every day. My life's stressful enough already, and after this, it'll never be normal!

MACK: (sympathetic) But at least something good might come from it.

(Jodie exhales sharply and shakes her head. Mack pats her hand. Meanwhile, Michele's got the phone to her ear.)

MICHELE: (no-nonsense) Hi, Helen?? Michele. Listen, if you want to make up for all the stupid, lame-brained, insensitive comments you've ever made to me and my family, get your ass over here now.

(cut to:)

SCENE 6 (Lawndale High, several weeks later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of a newspaper. In the bottom righthand corner of the front page is a bold-faced headline. Cut to wider shot to show Jane holding the newspaper, reading the headline and the article.)

JANE: "Lawndale High Faces Class Action Lawsuit." (faux dramatic.) Lawndale High School found itself embroiled in controversy yesterday when parents of dozens of minority students, represented by the law firm of (sly glance at Daria.) Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan...

(As Jane reads off the names, Daria rolls her eyes.)

JANE: ... Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter... blah-blah-blah... (Bt. dramatic falsetto.) "We're going to rip this school wide open and expose the corruption infested in its bowels!" said lawyer on the case, Helen Morgendorffer. (normal voice.) Ooh -- in its bowels? Catchy.

DARIA: (deadpan) You think that's bad, you should hear the soundbites she spews at home.

JANE: Yeech -- so she's really into it, is she?

DARIA: Oh yeah. Her Sixties sense of righteousness has struck with a vengeance.

JANE: That, and she feels she owes the Landons big.

DARIA: Yep.

JANE: (reading) The controversy began when Student Body President Jodie Landon reported blah-blah-blah-blah-blah... Since then, Morgendorffer claims to have found several more violations... (stops reading. shakes her head.) Boy, just the publicity Jodie's always wanted, eh?

DARIA: Which explains why she's been a no-show these past couple of days.

JANE: So who d' you think did it?

DARIA: Someone without conscience or spine. Targeting Jodie's like targeting the Easter bunny.

JANE: (vaguely bitter) Yes, well I can think of one person who matches that description.

DARIA: Sandi Griffin?

JANE: Ooh yeah. (rolls her eyes.) She's an ambitious one, she is. Can't win the presidency by dragging one person through the wringer, so she stoops to racial slurs against another.

DARIA: This almost seems too crude to be Sandi's handiwork. Isn't she more the "sugar to your face, poison dart in your backside"-type person?

JANE: You would think so, wouldn't you? But then again, making your opponent out to be a potential murderer on your website seems crude, as well, and Sandi did that. [*] see "Outvoted"

(Daria cocks an eyelid and nods.)

JANE: (reading) Esteemed principal, Angela Li, protests that she was never...

(cut to:)

SCENE 7 (Li's office, at that same time)

(Close-up shot of Li, burning with rage.)

MS. LI: Oh good lord! Do you realize how much of a public relations disaster this is?! First threats of school violence, now this?!

(Cut to wider shot. Mr. O'Neill is sitting across from her, looking concerned, but much calmer.)

MR. O'NEILL: Now, now, Ms. Li, I'm sure we'll be able to address this problem in a way that'll make our school a stronger place to be. (does a fist pump.)

MS. LI: Ooooh -- I'll stronger you! This is just going to drag our institution's reputation into the mud, I just know it! (gestures angrily at a list on her desk.) And just look at these demands! These people act as though IIIIIII personally oppressed their children.

(O'Neill gets a nervous look on his face. No point in telling her the truth.)

MS. LI: (resentful) Well unlike their whiiiite attorney, I understand what it's like to be belittled by the majority culture!

O'NEILL: (encouraging) That's good, Ms. Li! You should let it out.

MS. LI: (glaring at him) But since they're holding a gun to my head, I guess I have no choice but to settle. (Bt) They want protection for their children from racial slurs?? (vaguely ominous.) Well they'll get it...

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 8 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of the outiside entrance to the auditorium. Cut to shot of Jodie seated in one of the chairs in the front row, looking ill-at-ease. Other students can be seen filing in and filling the other seats. Just then, we see Brittany and Kevin creeping down the aisle so that they're a short distance from Jodie. They're looking at her and whispering.)

KEVIN: (a bit too loud) So babe, ya think we should say something to her?

BRITTANY: Yeah. (twirls a lock of hair.) Something, like, really supportive or whatever.

KEVIN: How d' we do that? Awkward stuff, like, creeps me out.

BRITTANY: Yeah, me too. (Bt. loud panicked whisper.) Quick Kevvy: let's just sneak away an' act like we never saw her!

JODIE: (turning around, sarcastic) Hi guys. It's nice to know you care.

(Brittany and Kevin look at each other.)

BRITTANY: Eap!

KEVIN: Yeah, eap!

BRITTANY: (pleading) We're sorry, Jodie, we didn't --

JODIE: That's okay, Brittany. I'll talk to you later.

(Brittany and Kevin nod and quickly run off. Jodie groans and shakes her head. Just then, we see Mack approach her from the opposite direction. He takes a seat beside her.)

JODIE: (frustrated) You see? They're, like, the gazillionth people who've done that to me today. This is exactly what I didn't want.

MACK: (smiling. sympathetic) Recognition?

JODIE: Pity. Weird behavior. People suddenly don't know how to act around me. I'm not Jodie Landon, Honor Student, I'm "that poor girl." (rolls her eyes.) Well they can save their pity. I don't care.

MACK: Well hey, at least that means they're noticing, right?? Didn't you once tell me you wished people could understand how hard it was to be Miss Perfect African-American Student?

JODIE: Yes, but what good is it gonna do me? It won't change the fact that I'm black and most of the people here are white.

MACK: You don't think so, huh? (with unusual vehemence.) Well maybe it'll make people think twice before telling a racist joke or saying something that could be offensive. (Bt) I don't know about you, but I get sick of having to defend myself all the time. Like when people call me "Oreo," or when I have to expain my feelings about "The Boondocks." And I'm sick of laughing good-naturedly everytime someone like Kevin jokes that black men can only be good at sports. Hell, if this opens their eyes just a little, that's great by me.

(Pause. Jodie absorbs this, gets an acknowledging look on her face.)

JODIE: Yeah. (Bt) But what if the opposite happens?

(Cut to shot of Jane and Daria sitting in the center seats of the center row.)

JANE: (looking offscreen) Hey! Jodie's back.

DARIA: (also looking) Yeah. And just in time for the P.C. Jamboree.

JANE: (faux scolding) Now, now... it's an assembly to promote cultural awareness.

DARIA: (deadpan) Let's see if it makes me aware of anything besides the minutes it's making me spend that I can never have back.

(Jane raises a brow. Cut to shot of the stage. We see Ms. Li advancing to the podium, while several of the teachers sit in chairs onstage, a la "Esteemsters.")

MS. LI: Good morning, students! It's come to my attention that a teeeeeeerrible misconception about our school has surfaced. That this is an institution of conformity and lack of tolerance, instead of the bastion of diverse backgrounds and experiences we know it to be. Right? (looks over at the teachers -- they don't say anything. taps her shoe, glares at them.) I said right??!

TEACHERS: Oh yes!/ Definitely!/ Of course!!

MS. LI: So we've decided it's high-time to let the world know just how diverse we really are. To start, I've made up a list of do's and don't's that will promote raaaaaacial sensitivity.

(Cut to shot of the audience. Teachers standing in the aisles begin passing out sheets of paper to each student in the rows. Cut to shot of Jodie and Mack, looking them over.)

MACK: (reading) "Do not call minorities 'colored people.' Call them 'people of color.'" (A slightly confused expression crosses his face. Then he shrugs a "works for me.")

(Cut to shot of Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy.)

STACY: (reading) "Only under certain circumstances is it okay to call someone descended from Central or South America 'Hispanic,' 'Chicano,' or 'Latino.'" (Bt. gets a freaked-out look on her face.) Which circumstances?!

(Cut to shot of Jane and Daria.)

JANE: Hey, they even threw in a few lines about us socially-challenged folks. You're "cranially endowed," and I have a "uniquely visual outlook."

(Resume shot of the stage. DeMartino leaps up out of his chair and bolts over to the podium.)

DeMARTINO: And if any of you MIScreants dares to spout a possibly INSENSITIVE remark, AUTOMATIC SUSPENSION!!

MS. LI: Yes, under the new "zero tolerance" policy. (eyes DeMartino.) And that goes for instructors as well.

(Beat)

DeMARTINO: (confused) What do you... ? (Then it sinks in.) Aw, come ON, Ms. Li! You can't expect ME to keep my mouth shut --!

MS. LI: Take your seat, Mr. DeMartino.

(Cut to shot of Sandi. During the commotion that ensues, she and her several hangers-on look at the list.)

SANDI: (smirking) Fat people are called "gravitationally endowed"?? Excuse me, but I don't think so.

(She starts chuckling, as do some other people. Cut to shot of Jodie. She picks up on the chuckling and turns to look, her eyes narrowing.)

MS. LI: (offscreen) Well now that that's settled, let us give a hearty round of applause for Ms. Brittany Taylor as she performs a diversity cheer she wrote all by herself --

(cut to:)

SCENE 9 (O'Neill's class, the next day)

(Shot of the classroom as seen from the outside. Cut to shot of the inside: all of the desks are arranged in a large circle, with O'Neill sitting directly across from Jodie. Jodie's got her arms crossed and wears a "Why me?" expression. The other students look at her, either with interest or indifference.)

O'NEILL: (touchy-feely) I, for one, cherish this opportunity to foster closer relations between most of us who are white, and our brothers and sisters of color.

DARIA: (deadpan) I always felt like I never knew enough purple people.

(Jodie, in spite of her discomfort, can't keep from chuckling. Other students follow suit.)

O'NEILL: (hand to his mouth. concerned) Oh my... class, this isn't a laughing matter. Jodie first helped bring this disturbing issue to the fore, and we should thank her for showing courage and conviction. I plan to do so by keeping diversity alive not just through the right words and books, but through caring.

(Several wary glances are exchanged.)

O'NEILL: (oblivious) The assembly yesterday kicked off a nonstop care-athon which I'm going to oversee! Let's honor it by joining hands. Let the oneness flow through our veins!

(At the word "oneness," people again start cracking up.)

JANE: (wicked) Will there be singing?

ANDREA: No way.

(After some resistance, the students start to link up. One look from Daria, and Kevin knows better than to offer her his hand.)

O'NEILL: And let us hear of Jodie Landon's tale of suffering.

JODIE: What?

O'NEILL: C' mon, Jodie, don't be afraid. Through your lawsuit against the school, you've shown the courage to come this far. (fist pump.) Now let us feel your pain. Let us know what you go through every day because of society's intolerance. (shudders dramatically.)

(long Pause. Jodie looks seriously bowled-over. On the one hand, she's skeptical of O'Neill's warm an' fuzzy approach [who wouldn't be?]. She's also reluctant to talk about stuff that could be painful or that could drive an even bigger wedge between her and other students. At the same time, this is a rare opportunity. Jodie looks like she's about to give in to it when, at the last minute, she rolls her eyes instead.)

JODIE: (frustrated) Mr. O'Neill, no offense, but you're acting as though I'm the only member of an oppressed minority group. But there are lots of people in this room who are.

O'NEILL: Hmm... an interesting observation.

JODIE: Like yourself. (Bt) The Irish were oppressed for centuries because of their culture and religion. People even called them black.

(Beat)

O'NEILL: (stunned) Why... why yes. That's true. (sniffles, tears up a little.) I never thought anyone would take my heritage seriously. Damn those unfeeling potato jokes! (sniff, sniff.)

JANE: Um, do you need a minute alone?

O'NEILL: No, no, I'm fine. (takes a deep breath.) But it feels so much better knowing someone understands my inner sorrow. Which is why, Jodie, you mustn't be afraid to speak out and reveal your pain to all of us.

(Again Jodie hesitates.)

BRITTANY: Yeah, come on, Jodie!

OTHER STUDENTS: Yeah...

(Jodie gets a slightly more receptive look on her face.)

JODIE: Well, I... (interrupted by the P.A.)

MS. LI: (stern) Saaaaaaaandra Griffin, report to my office immediately.

(Cut to shot of the students in Mr. Phelps's class. Quinn was writing out a problem on the blackboard, but is now looking at Sandi, along with Stacy, Tiffany, and the rest of the class. All are stunned by the ferocity in their principal's tone.)

OTHER STUDENTS: (teasing) Oooooooooh...

PHELPS: (dryly amused) My heavens, Ms. Griffin, she sounds in desperate need of your company.

SANDI: (smirking with bravado) She probably needs more makeover tips. I'd better go help her.

(She stands with a little uneasiness and heads toward the door. Quinn watches her, until she feels her teacher tapping her on the shoulder.)

PHELPS: (gently firm) Eyes on the blackboard, Ms. Morgendorffer.

(Quinn frowns a little and turns away. When she glances back, Sandi's gone.)

(Cut to shot of the students in Mr. O'Neill's class. Jodie smiles with secret satisfaction and relief, and continues with what she was saying.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Andrew Landon drop-kicking the offending note.]

You are now entering SUPER BOWL commercial HELL!!!!!! Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest, most EXPENSIVE commercials put on television.

"Next Friday, on the Ten Spot: Ever wanted to know what life was like back when Daria was a bun in Helen's oven?? Well here's your chance to find out. Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"

All right, I know this is a little dated, but oh well. There were far too many e-this and dot-com-that commercials, along with Budweiser and Charles Schwab. However, there were several that stood out in my mind, and I've gone to the trouble to rate them on a scale of 0 to 10, 10 being the best.

A guy runs after an elevator filled with people carrying pizza and other party goods. He manages to get one hand, carrying a six-pack of beer [which, I forgot], stuck inside. The people inside drink the beer, then try to shake the guy by taking the elevator up, but end up making him crash into the ceiling instead. Um... funny? I'd give it a

Kickoff... one man grabs the ball. Another man tackles him. After these exhilirating 10 seconds, we cut to another commercial...

The futuristic commercial which has Christopher Reeve getting up and walking after his spinal cord injury is cured. Poignant... and eerie. The multiple T.V. screens which display this to the public seem reminiscent of Big Brother, and I just couldn't help feeling creeped out by the fact that in real life, Reeves is still a quadraplegic. Still, I'd give it a

8.3

You are now leaving SUPER BOWL commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

PRIMARILY COLOR

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Griffin residence, that evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Linda Griffin sitting on one end of the living room couch, Sandi on the other end. Linda's got the phone to her ear and a no-nonsense look on her face. Sandi sits there with her arms folded, looking tired and pissed-off.)

LINDA: (into the receiver) Just what the hell do you think you're doing suspending my daughter??

(Split screen with her on the left and Ms. Li, still in her office at school, on the right. Li appears irritated and wary... even more so than usual.)

MS. LI: It's all veeeeeeeeery simple, Mrs. Griffin. Jodie Landon said your daughter wrote her a racially offensive note a while back, so I merely wielded my powers under the new "zero tolerance" policy.

(Linda peers over at Sandi, who looks back at her with a pouty "Oh come on" expression.)

LINDA: (to Li) Where's your evidence?? How can you be so sure it was Sandi who wrote that note??

MS. LI: I've got aaaaaaaaall the evidence I need in the "Class Land" footage, in which your daughter was threatening Ms. Landon. [*] see "Surreal World"

LINDA: (looking at Sandi) Threatening Jodie Landon on television??

SANDI: (defensive) She was threatening me, too! Like, you'd understand if you watched.

LINDA: (to Li) I would like to see this footage of which you speak.

MS. LI: Certainly Mrs. Griffin... if you can handle watching your daughter also declare that she's ashaaaaamed of you.

(Pause. Linda's normal expression of cool assurance gets replaced by one of shock, as though she's been punched in the stomach. She again looks at Sandi, who thinks she's still talking about the threats. Sandi shakes her head decisively.)

LINDA: (to Li, slightly hoarse) I-I just don't understand how you could treat her this way, after everything I've done for the school.

MS. LI: Ooh-hoo, some new security lights and free publicity don't quite make up for a class action lawsuit that's threatening to shatter our reputation. (Bt) Besides, those items were contigent on your daughter being Vice-President of the Student Body, a role which she gave up weeeeeks ago. [*] see "Outvoted"

(Pause. Linda looks at Sandi, this time with anger.)

LINDA: (slowly) She quit student council?

(Quickly, Sandi goes from looking defiant to pale and subdued.)

MS. LI: Ohhh, yes. And let me tell you something else, Mrs. Griffin. (eyes narrow.) People like your daughter make me sick. The way she and others think they can just bully minority students, I'm only too glad to be able to put her in her place. So until she apologizes to Jodie Landon, her suspension staaaaaands.

(Linda clicks off the phone decisively. Cut to full shot. She lays the phone down slowly, her eyes still narrowed.)

LINDA: (slowly, with an edge) Why did you quit student council?

(Pause. Sandi reddens.)

SANDI: (mumbling) My reasons are personal.

LINDA: Was it because you threatened Jodie Landon and made racist comments?!

SANDI: No. Like, all I did was bring her down a peg. She was acting all high-and-mighty, treating me like I was a big jerk, and I just told her what the hell did she know? What made her the exper--?

LINDA: You are going to apologize to her.

SANDI: (eyes widening) But nothing I said was racist!

LINDA: (hard) Dammit, Sandi, after all I did for you, pulling strings to get you the vice-presidency, only to watch you throw it away, the least you could do --

SANDI: Mother, I'm telling you the truth.

LINDA: (unyielding) You will not make me look bad to the other businesswomen in this community. Especially Michele Landon. She may not be with U.S. World any longer, but she still carries influence --

(Sandi looks as though she's ready to protest again, then closes her mouth and tries to suck in her resentment.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, next evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the four Morgendorffers at dinner. [Let's try to guess what they're eating! Go on, it's not so hard!] Quinn's in mid-conversation.)

QUINN: ... and so Ms. Li's been cracking the whip, punishing any student who she even thinks is acting racist.

HELEN: Oh my... sounds like a violation of their rights to free speech. (frowns.) If the courts hadn't taken them all away.

QUINN: And Mr. O'Neill's gotten really into it, too. He's, like, making us hold hands and talk an' stuff. (shudders a little.) He's even setting up a multicultural fair in a week or so. I, of course, plan to work at one of the cuter booths.

DARIA: Naturally.

JAKE: Sounds neat, you guys!

HELEN: Yes, it's so good to see that they're starting to take diversity seriously at your school. (Bt. no-nonsense.) But the minute they fall off course, we'll slap them with a lawsuit so big, it'll make their head spin into the next century.

DARIA: (sardonic) What better way to promote compassion?

QUINN: Mr. O'Neill also encouraged us white students to get to know some of the minority students better -- like talk to them one-on-one and hear their painful stories. So I've decided to hang out with Tiffany for the next few days.

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) But you already hang out with Tiffany.

QUINN: (thoughtful) Yes, but not... the real Tiffany.

(Daria cocks an eyelid. Helen raises a brow as well.)

HELEN: Daria, why do I get the feeling you're less-than-enthusiastic about these new developments at your school?

DARIA: Because. My skeptic alarm always goes off whenever the school tries a new social engineering experiment. And this one seems destined to fall into the figurative dustbin like all the others.

HELEN: Meaning?

DARIA: It's every bit as misguided. To promote so-called diversity, the school insists on stripping away our personalities -- what little some of us have -- and reducing us to our race or ethnicity.

HELEN: So?

DARIA: So it's degrading. They claim they want us students to find a common ground -- but how can we do that if our common tastes and experiences have been chucked away? Forget personality, forget experience -- now it's just "this person matters because he or she came from a background of suffering."

QUINN: So?

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) So, it seems as though they're encouraging the students who have no such background to feel sorry for the ones that do.

JAKE: So??

DARIA: So, can you really understand someone when you have to keep your distance, by viewing that person as a pity case instead of an equal? When the guilt and fascination wear off, we'll all be back to Square One. We'll just go about our business, and nothing will have changed.

(Beat. Helen, Jake, and Quinn look a little floored, as they so often do after one of Daria's speeches. Then Quinn waves a hand nonchalantly.)

QUINN: Oh, like you would know about understanding people anyway -- you barely ever leave your room. (Bt) Listen, Daria, guilt is in. It's chic. Especially where minorities are concerned. I mean sure, we used to, like, make them sit at the front of the bus and mop lunch counters, or whatever -- but now the trend is toward rejecting the boring old status quo and embracing minorities as cool and interesting and in some ways superior. And I, for one, don't want to miss out on it.

DARIA: Today, minorities. Tomorrow, endangered bunnies.

HELEN: Quinn has a point, Daria. Guilt isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's the only thing that can keep the people in power from completely destroying a minority culture. (Bt) It kept us from oblitering the Native Americans. It helped establish a Jewish homeland in 1948 --

QUINN: Oh that reminds me. Mr. O' Neill said he wanted us all to find an oppressed minority group in our background and, like, share our pain. So I'm gonna talk about how it feels to be Jewish.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Since when are we Jewish?

QUINN: (slightly defensive) Hey, if Dad is a member of the Jewish race, then so am I. (to Jake.) Say Daddy, were any of our relatives killed in the Holocaust?

JAKE: Nope. They all came to America in the 1890's.

QUINN: (looking somewhat disappointed) Oh.

JAKE: And anyway, Judaism isn't really a race, honey; it's more of an ethnicity. Like "I'm Slavic... I'm Jewish."

DARIA: But there are black and Hispanic Jews, too.

HELEN: It's a religion. And a very noble one at that. (Bt) But you know, Quinn, if you want to hear stories of oppression, my ancestors in Northern Ireland faced some terrible --

QUINN: (dismissive) Yes, yes that's very interesting. (Bt) No offense, Mom, but I don't really want to hear about a bunch of white Protestants -- they, like, rule this country. I want to hear about real minorities.

(Helen looks slightly hurt. Daria cocks an eyelid with mild amusement.)

QUINN: So Dad, didn't your relatives, like, suffer at all?

JAKE: Well there was the difficulty with assimilation, naturally. (chuckles.) They even made up a Revolutionary War ancestor to help them fit into American society better. Phineas T. Morgendorffer was his name. (starts to go into a rage.) When the kids found out the truth about him, oh how they laughed. LAUGHED, I tell you!!

(Quinn leans her chin on her hand, intrigued.)

JAKE: Ohh, what a can of worms that just opened up! Before military school, I'll never forget about every stinking year at Christmas time. "Santa's not coming to your house, Jakey. You're not getting any presents, Jakey! Have fun with your dreidel, Jakey!!" Well I'll DREIDEL you!!!

(cut to:)

SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, that night)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria standing in front of the bathroom mirror, dressed in her pajamas. Quinn comes in, also in her pj's.)

QUINN: (chipper) Wow, Dad's got, like, so many repressed memories. This'll be so cool to tell the other kids.

DARIA: (deadpan) That's just what they need: more pain and rejection.

QUINN: Too bad Sandi won't be there to hear it. (brief look of irritation gets replaced by a thoughtful frown.) Y' know, it's weird she got suspended.

DARIA: No weirder than the other kids who did.

QUINN: Yeah... but Sandi never seemed like the racist type. (instructional.) Her prejudices are based on a very strict definition of who's well-dressed and has a good body, and who isn't. It never mattered to her what color you were just as long as you could coordinate.

DARIA: (sardonic) Well that's much more reassuring.

QUINN: But I guess if Jodie Landon said she did it then she had to have done it. 'Cause Jodie's, like, perfect, right?? She never lies about anything.

(A strange look crosses Daria's face.)

DARIA: Um, right...

QUINN: (sighing) It's too bad. Before this happened... (frowns slightly.) during the times Sandi wasn't making fun of me for being a four eyes or threatening my power with the Fashion Club... I kind of... well... every once in a while... there were times... really, really brief times...

DARIA: (impatient) Yes?

QUINN: ... when I missed her.

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (O'Neill's class, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside.)

ANDREA: (offscreen VO. same dramatic tone she used in "Cafe Disaffecto") I am the minority viewer...

(Cut to shot of her standing in front of the room, giving a presentation to Daria, Jane, and company.)

ANDREA: I am black... I am brown... I am red --

DARIA: (thought VO) Wow. Blending into a wooded thicket must be no problem for you.

ANDREA: ... I am yellow... I am multiracial. I want to see a face on screen that looks like mine, I want to see experiences that have been my experiences. But instead, all I get is a vast vanilla... wasteland. (Pause. ominous, low voice.) And I am the white programmer that saturates the airwaves with white programming. (eyes narrow.) "Seventh Heaven"..."Providence"..."Dawson's Creek"..."Ally McBeal" without Ling or Rene. (lips curl.) "Friends."

(Many in the class shudder at her icy tone.)

ANDREA: I despise you, minority viewer. You, who do not fit in with the white-washed, middle-class, cookie-cutter, spirit-crushing norm of society. You who are not marketed to in the commercials that keep me afloat. I will never give you a lead role. I will have your parts played by white actors. I will destroy you!

(She takes several colored bean bags out of her pocket and drops them on the floor. She then takes a ruler and proceeds to beat the stuffing out of them.)

ANDREA: DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE... !!!

O'NEILL: (somewhat nervous) Um, um... that's very nice, Andrea, very, very nice. Feel free to take your seat. (Expressionless once more, Andrea lays aside the ruler, picks up the bean bags, and heads back to her desk.) Um... so did any of you students learn anything valuable from her performance?

(The class takes a few more seconds to recover. Then one girl toward the back of the class raises her hand.)

GIRL: Wow, what she said was just sooo true. It's sooo true, but I hadn't ever thought about it before.

BRITTANY: Yeah! (looks at Jodie, lower lip trembling.) I'm so sorry, Jodie. I'll never ever watch "Friends" again!

JODIE: (amused and a bit uncomfortable) That's okay, Brittany, don't worry. "Friends" is a cool show.

O'NEILL: (tipping his head slightly in a "caring instructor" way) So, Jodie, did Andrea's presentation hit a sensitive place within you?

(Beat)

JODIE: (awkward) Um, well... I guess. It would be nice for there to be more multiculturalism on T.V., just so there's a wider range of viewpoints to draw from.

O'NEILL: Yes, yes! Isn't the black point-of-view being oppressed (dramatic shudder.) by that of the dominant culture?

JODIE: Sure... I guess.

(Beat)

O'NEILL: Now Daria, it's time for you to share your oppressed heritage with the rest of us.

(Pause. Daria stands up, reads from a sheet of paper.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Because of their Protestant beliefs, my mother's ancestors were encouraged by the English crown to settle in Seventeenth Century Northern Ireland. Little did they know that a century later, these same Protestant beliefs would lead to their persecution. For you see, they were not Angli-- (Suddenly interrupted by a sob from O'Neill.) What? It has a happy ending.

O'NEILL: (sniffle, sniffle, sob) Oh Daria... why must you remind me of how my people were beaten down by the Ulsterites?!

(Daria gets a stunned "O-kaaaaay" look on her face.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 5 (lockers, after class)

(Shot of Jane and Daria standing at their lockers. Daria still looks unnerved by O'Neill's outburst.)

DARIA: (annoyed) That went well. Maybe tomorrow we can discuss the potato famine.

JANE: Aw, c'mon, cheer up. Mr. O'Neill's eyes ought to unswell any day now.

(Just then, we see a bunch of kids trudge past in the foreground, mumbling and cursing.)

JANE: Ahhh, a new crop of sinners for Ms. Li to sentence. (taps her fingers together with faux anticipation.)

DARIA: I predict death by electric chair. Or by crushed ribs from too many stacked rocks.

JANE: The way she's doling out suspensions, pretty soon we'll be able to fit all the students into a single class. (smirks wickedly.) Which, of course, will make it easy for us to get dirt on the popular people and use it against them.

(Before Daria can reply, we see DeMartino chasing Li down the hallway, looking even more agitated then usual.)

DeMARTINO: I don't underSTAND, Ms. Li -- why can't I even call the WHITE students names?!

MS. LI: (irritated) Because, Mr. DeMartino -- sooome of those names might have components deemed offensive to minority students. Damned if I'm going to put my ass over the fire so you can unleash your daaaily avalanche of abuse.

DeMARTINO: (clasping hands) But Ms. Li, have some huMANity! Think of Kevin Thompson. THINK OF KEVIN THOMPSON!!! (shouts this as he follows Li offscreen.)

DARIA: Think of how quickly he'll crack if he loses his primary method of torture.

JANE: (smirking) Brookside beware.

(Beat)

DARIA: On a more serious note: doesn't it seem to you like this rash of suspensions is just furthering our school's reputation for being a Stalingrad?

JANE: (frowning mildly) Maybe... but at least this time Our Tormentor has her stone-cold heart in the right place. Didn't you ever notice how frequently words like "nigger" and "gook" and "wetback" got tossed around without any punishment?

DARIA: I guess. (frowns.) Though I was too busy fending off my own share of nasty comments to pay attention.

(Just then, Jodie and Mack come up.)

MACK: Hey, you guys! You both did a really good job today.

DARIA: (sardonic) Liar.

MACK: Say Jane, it was cool hearing about your dad's Comanche background.

JANE: (smirking) Yes, well where else do you think the Lane family gets its good looks from?

MACK: I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but even though I'm a "minority," I've never taken much time to learn about other minorities.

JODIE: Yeah, me neither. I liked your presentation, too, Daria. (smirks.) What little we got to hear of it.

DARIA: Yes, well I might have chosen differently, had Quinn not claimed Judaism all for herself.

(Sweeping pan-over to where Quinn is standing with Tiffany and Stacy. Quinn's in a chipper, dramatic mode.)

QUINN: ... and if they hadn't left Germany fifty years earlier, they definitely would've been exterminated by the Nazis.

STACY: Oooooooooh...

TIFFANY: Close call.

QUINN: Hearing about my people's struggles have, like, totally made me want to find out more about them. So I've been plugging my dad for some info., and I might even like, learn the language or something. (chuckles.) Like, listen to some of these expressions. (Bt. heavy Brooklyn accent.) Gawd, Stacy, sometimes you can be such a goy! Oy vey!

TIFFANY: Cooool. (claps a little.)

STACY: (looking worried) What's a "goy"?

(Quinn shrugs.)

TIFFANY: (to Stacy) It's a gentile.

QUINN: (surprised) You know the termonology??

STACY: (more worried) What's a "gentile"??

TIFFANY: (to Quinn) Yeah. My parents, like, taught it to me.

QUINN: Oh right -- 'cause they're Jewish, too. (faint note of regret -- she'd wanted to be the only Jewish person.) So that, like, means you could be in the Israel booth with me at the fair this Friday.

TIFFANY: (regretful) I can't. I got stuck with the China booth.

QUINN: But you are Chinese, aren't you?

TIFFANY: Yeeeah, but that doens't mean I, like, know stuff. My parents tried to make me go to Chinese school once, but it was soooooo boring. They make you learn all those symbols.

QUINN: Eww... sounds hard.

TIFFANY: I wanted to be in the South America booth... the outfits they wear are soooooo cute.

(Meanwhile, neither notices that Stacy has started hyperventilating. She now bursts into tears.)

QUINN: Stacy??

(Beat)

STACY: I tried and I tried, but I couldn't find any oppressed minorities in my background. I'm not interesting at aaaaaallllll!!!

(Quinn reaches over and pats her back sympathetically.)

QUINN: There, there, Stacy, it's okay. (Bt) Whoever said you were?

(Resume shot of Daria, Jane, Jodie, and Mack.)

DARIA: Not that I care she took it. I'm not gonna pretend to love a culture I don't know anything about, just to make the school think I'm not prejudiced.

MACK: What do you mean "pretend"?

DARIA: Doesn't our classmates' sudden embrace of minorities seem superficial to you? Do you really think that deep down, people's opinions have changed?

JODIE: Well no... at least not in a major way. But then again, I never thought it would happen overnight. You have to start somewhere, and this is somewhere.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) That's not quite the attitude you had a week ago.

JODIE: Hey, a week ago I was scared of what might happen. I thought for sure people would treat me like some alien from another planet. But not only have they been supportive, they've even gone... (smirks.) overboard. And talking about stuff to you guys in O'Neill's class helped me a lot. A lot.

MACK: Same with me. You don't know how great it is to have people look at you and realize: "That black dude has feelings."

DARIA: I'm sure it must be. About as nice as it would be to have someone say the same about the "Misery Chick" and her "weird art friend."

JODIE: Yeah. Discussion's been sort of limited to race and ethnicity, hasn't it?

JANE: (offhand) The outcasts fall to the bottom of the barrel -- so what else is new? (Bt) At least injustice is being fought on one front.

JODIE & MACK: Right.

DARIA: And if there are enough people at school by the end of this week, we'll see how well the message of racial tolerance has sunk in.

JODIE: You mean... ?

JANE: The suspensions. It's nice to see some idiots get what's coming to them, but y'know, I'll bet half of the kids in trouble didn't even mean to sound racist.

MACK: Maybe not. (suddenly frowns.) But you can do a lot of damage just by saying stuff without thinking.

JANE: (smirking) Hey, you don't need to tell me and Daria that.

DARIA: So you support the "throw the book at them under any circumstances" approach? (Mack nods. Daria looks at Jodie.) And you?

JODIE: Well yeah... sure. (Bt. with more conviction.) If there's one thing I'm realizing, it's that there are a lot of people hiding in the cracks who will try to hurt you. Better to find them than to let them keep on hiding.

(Beat. Obviously this was an answer Daria wasn't expecting, and the disappointment she feels can be seen ever-so-slightly on her face, if not heard in her tone.)

DARIA: So I s'pose that went for Sandi Griffin as well.

JODIE: Yeah. (surprised to hear Daria mention her name.)

JANE: Geez, who if not Sandi Griffin? (a little bitter.) Let her see what it feels like to be in the doghouse because of her attitude.

MACK: (to Daria, trying not to sound irritated) You're not saying you think Jodie did wrong by fingering Sandi, are you?

DARIA: (shrugging) Not if she knows for a fact that Sandi was guilty.

JODIE: Of course I... (Pause) All right, I didn't have absolute proof she said anything when I gave her name to Ms. Li, but it sounds like something she'd do. If not at that time, then later.

(Beat. Again, Daria can't completely conceal her disappointment. She cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: I see. Cool. (Bt) Well it's getting late, Jane -- we'd better go.

JANE: Late? (Something in Daria's bearing makes it clear her suggestion is urgent.) Um, yeah, we'd better. See you guys.

(They leave. Jodie and Mack watch them for a few seconds, confused by the suddenness of their departure. Then, after glancing an "I'll see you later" to Mack, Jodie goes after them. She walks up quickly along Daria's other side.)

JODIE: (mild exasperation) Daria, did I say something that rubbed you the wrong way?

(Beat)

DARIA: (clipped) Nope.

JANE: Yeah, I'm kind of curious, too.

(Beat)

DARIA: (to Jodie) It's not so much what you said now as what you told me a while ago -- during our crazy "Class Land" experience. And other times. (Bt) Just some boring stuff about how most people are good and how if we tried, different personality types could get along.

JODIE: (rolling her eyes) No offense Daria, but I never even knew you believed that stuff.

(Daria frowns with some resentment. Jane gets a reflective look.)

JANE: (to Jodie) I guess it's more important that you believed it.

DARIA: And I may be your run-of-the-mill, cold-hearted outcast, but even I know that this "zero tolerance" policy won't do anything to further that goal.

(Pause. Jodie reflects on that for a few moments, then grows yet more frustrated.)

JODIE: Hey, I still want that, okay?? But I'm not gonna give up the chance to give people their just desserts. You just don't understand what it's like!

DARIA: (stopping in her tracks) Try me.

(Beat. Jodie and Jane stop, too. Jodie gets a look of determination.)

JODIE: I have to deal with people calling me names behind my back...

DARIA: Oh no, I wouldn't know what that's like. Would you, Jane?

JODIE: (frowning darkly) I've had people treating me like I don't belong here. I've been pushed, spit on, threatened --

DARIA: Nope. Wouldn't have a clue.

JANE: (sardonic) That nastiness during my campaign was all just a figment of my imagination.

JODIE: Would you just be quiet?! (Daria and Jane look at her, stunned.) There's a difference between you guys and me. You choose to have people poke fun at you.

(Pause)

JANE: (surprised) "Choose"?

DARIA: I wouldn't call being ostracized from Day One based on my personality a "choice."

JODIE: So?? You wear those clothes, you refuse to participate in school activities. All you have to do is put on some normal clothes and you'd blend in in a second.

(Beat. Daria and Jane glance at each other, irritated.)

JANE: (sarcastic) Oh yeah. It's that simple.

JODIE: Whereas I'm President of the Student Body, I'm on practically every club imaginable, I'm a straight-A student, and I still get harassed. I'm a model teenager, and it's not enough. I've done everything I possibly could to blend in, and it's still not enough!

(Daria and Jane listen expressionlessly. Jodie is red-faced and agitated, making jerky motions with her hands as she speaks.)

JODIE: You think I work as hard as I do just to please my parents?? NO -- it's because I want people to know me for who I am before they decide by my skin color that I'm something else. And you will never understand what that's like!

(long Pause)

DARIA: (quiet, cool) You're right. I wouldn't understand what it's like to be judged unfairly. I'm white. (Bt) Come on, Jane...

JANE: (quiet) See you around, Jodie...

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 6 (lockers, after school)

(Shot of Stacy and Tiffany walking away from their lockers together. Suddenly Quinn comes toward them from the opposite direction. They both freeze when they see her -- obviously her presence wasn't expected.)

QUINN: (chipper) Hey guys! Got sprung from math prison 'cause Mr. Phelps got in trouble for mispronouncing a student's last name, so what d' you say we go hit Cashman's?

(Pause)

TIFFANY: Um...

STACY: (timid) Um... we'd like to, Quinn, but Tiffany and I have to go somewhere. Not together, of course, just...

TIFFANY: Yeah. Not together.

(Beat)

QUINN: (suspicious) Oookay. (Bt) So where are you going -- separately?

(Pause)

STACY: Um... (winces.) not to Sandi's.

TIFFANY: No way.

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) Why are you guys going to Sandi's?

STACY: Um... we're just going to, um, give her her as-assignments.

QUINN: Why? You know she'll never do them.

STACY: Yeah, but... we just wanna (quickly.) see-how-she's-doing. (Bt. bursts out.) We're sorry, Quinn!! We would've told you, but we know how you hate Sandi, and --

QUINN: (quiet) I don't hate Sandi.

TIFFANY: You don't?

STACY: B-but you always get so mad whenever we mention her name, so we thought --

QUINN: (flat) Well you were wrong. I don't hate Sandi -- Sandi hates me. (Bt) Look, why don't you guys go? I'll see you tomorrow.

(She leaves immediately.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 7 (Landon residence, that evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jodie and Mack sitting in Jodie's room. Jodie's sitting up on her bed, hugging her knees, wearing a troubled expression.)

JODIE: (weary) Well Mom and Dad are happy. You should've heard them at dinner, about power to the people and finally getting the school to see what's been unseen 'til now. The only thing they're upset about is having to pay Daria's mom's legal fees.

MACK: That's great. (Bt. sympathetic.) Isn't it?

(Jodie sighs quietly.)

JODIE: Sure. (Bt) But I've also been thinking: maybe Daria had a point earlier today.

MACK: (rolling his eyes with slight exasperation) What -- you mean her point about Ms. Li's crackdown on racists in the student body? Listen Jodie, Daria may think she's right about everything, but that doesn't mean she is. You have every reason to be glad the school's finally listening to us.

JODIE: Yeah, but --

MACK: (firm, smirking slightly) If there's one problem you have, it's that you're too into self-denial. If someone complains "It's not fair," you automatically think you have to compensate them. Well just enjoy getting benefits for once. Just because some people have been hard hit, or because outcasts aren't getting the same good response as we are, doesn't mean things won't correct themselves eventually.

(Jodie seems mildly reassured by Mack's response. But then another troubled look crosses her face.)

JODIE: I hope so... because sometimes I feel as though this crackdown isn't doing any good.

MACK: (startled) What d'you mean?

JODIE: I still see the nasty looks... don't you?

(Beat)

MACK: (a little uncomfortable) Yeah... sometimes. But things are still better than they were. And if you keep seeing the looks, go to the principal and complain. Don't be afraid to speak up about this.

(Beat)

JODIE: All right. (Pause. We hear the phone on her side table ring. Jodie reaches for it, and is about to pick it up, but it stops on the second ring. She lays her arm across her knees again and sighs.) And while I'm at it, maybe I could say something to Mr. O'Neill about his approach to teaching about minority cultures. I have to agree with Daria on that point -- it is kind of shallow.

MACK: You think?

JODIE: I mean it's all "suffering" this,"suffering" that. How we as a race of people have suffered. No one at school's been learning about the positive aspects of black or other cultures -- or that there's more than one type of black experience. Some of the discrimination Mr. O'Neill's been talking about is stuff I've never had to deal with.

MACK: Hmm... then maybe you should say something to him.

JODIE: But it just makes me feel guilty, you know? Like: "Geez, they've done so much for us already. I can't ask them for any more favors, or they'll accuse me of being ungrateful."

(Beat)

MACK: (shaking his head slowly) Yeah -- sadly enough, I do know.

(Just then we hear a knock on the door.)

RACHEL: (offscreen VO) Jodie -- phone for you. (Bt) It's Sandi Griffin.

(Jodie looks at Mack, stunned. Then she frowns angrily.)

JODIE: I'm almost afraid to hear what she has to say.

(Slowly she reaches over and picks up the phone. Places it against her ear.)

JODIE: (cautious) Hello?

(Pause)

SANDI: (from the receiver. icy) I have just one thing to say to you. I do not know where you got the idea that I was one of the morons who said racist stuff to you, but frankly, I am insulted.

JODIE: (slightly stunned) Oh really?

SANDI: Yes, really. And for the humiliation you've put me through, I believe an apology is in order.

(Beat)

JODIE: You want me to apologize to you?

SANDI: Are you having trouble hearing, or something??

(Pause. Jodie feels herself growing angrier. Her grip on the phone tightens.)

JODIE: (cold) You want an apology?? Okay, fine. (Bt) Here's your apology.

(She slams the phone down on its cradle.)

END OF ACT TWO

[Split screen of Andrea beating bean bags on the floor and O'Neill shuddering dramatically.]

You are now entering SUPER BOWL commercial HELL!!!!!! Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest, most EXPENSIVE commercials put on television.

Following a bloated, confusing halftime special which was heavy on Disney promotion (on Disney-owned ABC, of course) and themes of globalization and the millennium (what else?)...

One of the very best commercials was the cat-herding one. A bunch of lone rangers chased dozens of housecats across the prairie on horseback. At one point, a couple bemoaned the number of scratches they had received as a result of their "dangerous" work. The commercial really had no point (it was for another e-company), but other than that, it was priceless.

Back to the game. Quarterback throws a pass. Wide receiver catches it. Coach calls a time-out. We break for another commercial...

Another great commercial was one that spoofed the GAP commercials. You see a bunch of twenty-somethings standing around like zombies, dressed the same and singing in an eery monotone, when suddenly they're scared off by an Oldsmobile. The message: be original. I'd give it a

The game. Setting up for a field goal. It's... no good! How 'bout a commercial?

ENOUGH Regis Philbin!!! He was prancing through every promo for an ABC show, from "Sports Night" to "Dharma and Greg." Just because he's on a highly-successful quiz show doesn't mean he himself is irresistible. At one point when he appeared, I couldn't resist changing the channel...

You are now leaving SUPER BOWL commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived? No... because that means you have to watch the game. ; >

PRIMARILY COLOR

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, Friday morning)

(Shot of the outside of the gym. SUPER: Day of Multicultural Fair.)

(The fair is the "crown jewel" of O'Neill's plans for promoting diversity. It's a day-long event which will consist of several booths from different parts of the world, and a central circle where performances will be given. Most students will be free to come and go as they please; the rest are in charge of manning the booths and setting up.)

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane on the gym floor, struggling to unfold table legs, as the booths sprout up around them. It's a pretty amusing sight -- just imagine them trying every way imaginable to pry the legs into place.)

DARIA: Remind me again how we got talked into doing this. (leans her back against the table while she uses her own legs to push out the table's.)

JANE: 'Cause Mr. O'Neill urged us to come -- said it would be a good experience.

DARIA: But that doesn't explain why we're torturing ourselves on these tables -- agh! (as a bar smacks into her hand.)

JANE: It gets us out of class. (shrugs.) And we're suckers.

DARIA: I thought so.

(Shot of Quinn and Stacy walking on the other side of the gym, huffing and puffing under the load of two heavy boxes.)

STACY: What's (huff) in here??

QUINN: My (huff) Dad went a little overboard last night when he lent me his old (huff) things. (Bt. firm) But you promised you'd help me, so you can't back out now.

(Just then, an energized O'Neill bounds up to them.)

O'NEILL: Good morning, girls! Isn't it a perfect day for a multicultural fair??

STACY & QUINN: (grunting) Hghhh.

O'NEILL: And I assume those are for the Israel booth, right?

QUINN: (weary) Yes.

O'NEILL: Excellent! Now follow me, and we'll go fire up the grill!

(Pause)

STACY & QUINN: Grill??

O'NEILL: For frying latkes! (rubs his stomach.) Mmmmm...

(Quinn and Stacy drop the boxes with a loud clatter.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 2 (a short time later)

(Shot of Daria and Jane struggling to lift a canopy over one of the tables.)

JANE: So you're saying you think Jodie was wrong to finger Sandi as a racist?

DARIA: I haven't joined the Cult of Griffin, if you're worried. But my "Class Land" nightmare did teach me that Jodie could sometimes let hostility get the better of her.

JANE: (nodding slowly) Could be... could be. (Bt. gets an uncomfortable look.) But even so... I did not enjoy fighting with her. It made me feel really, really, really...

DARIA: Bleh.

JANE: Yes, bleh. (Bt) I mean geez, this is Jodie. She's always been one of the good ones. Even when we disagreed on stuff, there were no hard feelings. And now, we're picking each other apart trying to figure out who's more oppressed than whom. (worried.) Is this how things are going to be now in this supposedly more tolerant environment?

DARIA: (also a bit worried) Let's hope not.

JANE: I've always called Jodie a friend, even though we run with different crowds. (Bt) I don't want that to change.

(Beat)

DARIA: You and me both. (Bt) But I suppose if I'm forced, kicking and screaming, to find a silver lining, it's that we got to hear each other out. We heard more of her side, and she heard more of ours.

JANE: Yeah. (shrugs.) And I guess she did have a point about the color of her skin. Because she's black, someone could just look across the room and hate her guts, whereas with us --

DARIA: They'd have to get to know our personality first.

JANE: Yeah -- assuming we were dressed like prep school weinerheads. (shrugs again.) And having to serve as a role model for an entire minority group can't be too much fun, either.

DARIA: Nope.

(Pause. They look at each other, resigned.)

JANE: So you think we ought to find Jodie and try to sort things out?

(Beat)

DARIA: Sure. (Bt) But maybe after this fair hoopla is over with. I'm almost afraid of what this thing will be like. (Bt) On second thought, I am afraid.

JANE: Oh, I'm sure a nice, cleansing sobfest won't be so bad. (Pause. She gets an uneasy look on her face.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 3 (a short time later)

(Shot of Jodie standing in another corner of the gym. She's just arrived to help out, and has spotted Daria and Jane. At first she makes a move to go over and talk to them, then changes her mind. She's been avoiding them for the past few days, and they her. She fears now that if she went over, she'd get the cold shoulder. Instead, Jodie chooses to take in the festivities that are going up around her. She appears to like what she sees, but we sense a growing level of uneasiness in her demeanor. Just then, O'Neill comes up to her.)

O'NEILL: Jodie! I'm glad I found you! How do you like the way things are set up??

(Beat)

JODIE: (mustering an enthusiastic tone) Oh, it's great. (Bt) But, um... Mr. O'Neill, what's that?? (points offscreen.)

(Pan over to show a bunch of students walking into the center of the gym. They're slumped over and dressed in raggedy clothing, their faces bleak. Resume shot of Jodie and O'Neill.)

O'NEILL: That is one of the events I've set up. (dramatic) It's a re-enactment of the Trail of Tears. Students who choose to do so can experience what it was like to be Cherokee Indians driven from their homeland by unfeeling white soldiers. (Bt. points elsewhere offscreen.) Then, over there in the corner, you can watch a spirited (fist pump.) narration of Uncle Tom's Cabin with shadow puppets. Witness Tom's struggle with one master after another, subjected to beatings by the evil Simon L--

JODIE: (nervous) Mr. O'Neill. (He looks at her quizzically.) We... I think we have to talk.

O'NEILL: Okay...

(Fade-out. Fade-in to close-up of O'Neill's face, wearing a thoughtful expression. Cut to wide shot. Several minutes have passed, during which Jodie, looking distressed, has been explaining her thoughts about Mr. O'Neill's plans. She finally stops, and pulls back almost as thought she's ashamed.)

O'NEILL: Hmm...

JODIE: Mr. O'Neill, please don't feel bad. I really appreciate all you've done, it's just --

O'NEILL: No, no, Jodie, you don't ever need to make excuses. (pats her on the back lightly.) Those were excellent observations you made. Why not broaden the fair to present a more diverse, enriched image of minority lifestyles?? (Bt. shakes his head.) I guess I just felt so guilty I hadn't been showing more compassion to minority students, I got carried away with the darker view.

JODIE: (sincerely) It's okay, Mr. O'Neill -- I know you've meant well.

O'NEILL: Perhaps you could help come up with ways to tone things down. (another thoughtful expression crosses his face.) And perhaps I could take care of another problem...

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (sometime later that afternoon)

(Overhead shot of the fair, now fully set up. It looks pretty colorful, with a lot of booths and posters and tapestries scattered all over the place. Thanks to Jodie, a lot of the bleak stuff has been removed. Instead of watching performances, most students are taking the time to explore the different booths, ask questions about them, and talk casually amongst themselves. And gorge on food offered at the booths. Although students aren't required to stay at the fair long, many have -- both to get out of class and because they're genuinely interested. Yet don't look for this fair to be the epitome of racial and ethnic awareness [it is a school fair, after all]. Many of the students are wearing generic costumes that depict a certain culture, or put stereotypical relics of that culture on display. But when you consider how non-existent anything of diversity was at LHS beforehand, this seems like a significant step.)

(Cut to close-up shot of Li walking around, inspecting everything with her usual no-nonsense frown. She finally pauses next to O'Neill, who's been watching everything from the sidelines.)

MS. LI: Eeeevrything seems in order, Mr. O'Neill. Though I'll be sending out the dogs and activating the metal detectors just in case.

O'NEILL: Yes... everything looks really super. Oh, but I had hoped that more students would attend.

MS. LI: Yes, well maybe if they hadn't defied the "zero tolerance" policy, they'd still be allowed in school to attend.

O'NEILL: (hand to his mouth) Oh my. So many??

(Cut to close-up of the Israel booth. We see that there's a long line of students in front of it, poised to get latkes. Quinn is standing at the grill, dressed in the outfit of an Orthodox Jewish woman, with a shawl, etc. She looks extremely vexed. Stacy is next to her, dressed as an Orthodox Jewish man -- dark suit, hat, and a phony beard. She appears to be absorbed in reading a book. There are several books on display, including the Hebrew Bible, as well as dreidels and other items. On the back wall hangs a large poster which depicts Israel over the last 50 years.)

QUINN: (irritated. to the students) Haven't you vultures had enough?? These are just a bunch of greasy flattened potatoes -- you might as well just buy some French fries! (touches her forehead.) Ewwwww! Between the icky grease and the heat, my skin is a total mess!

(The students don't care; they continue to line up for the latkes. Stacy doesn't respond, being too absorbed in the book.)

QUINN: All these'll do is make you gain twenty pounds an' break out! (reaches for her hair, fingers the shawl with irritation.) And could this outfit be any more dowdy?? It's enough to make me reconsider this whole going-Jewish thing. I should've done what Tiffany did and traded to be in the South America booth.

(Cut to shot of Tiffany in the South America booth, admiring herself in a swimsuit.)

TIFFANY: I'm cuuuuuuuute.

(Resume shot of Quinn and Stacy.)

QUINN: (glaring) Stacy!

(Stacy looks up, startled.)

STACY: Oh... sorry, Quinn. You know, this book says that Jehovah really isn't the ancient name for God -- that a Christian scholar read the Hebrew word wrong. But they're not even sure how the right word for God was pronounced because only the ancient Jewish high priests were allowed to say it -- everyone else called him "Adonai," which means --

QUINN: (impatient) Fascinating. Stacy, would you take over, now??

STACY: Oh, sure. (Bt) And it also says that King Herod's family hadn't been Jewish for very long by the time he became king. They got converted by John Hyrcanus of the Maccabees --

QUINN: John hired Mack's anus what??

STACY: No -- Maccabees. They were the ones who saved the Jewish temple from becoming a Greek temple. And Herod was the king at the time of Jesus. (Bt) Quinn, could I borrow this?

(Beat)

QUINN: (mystified by her enthusiasm) Sure. (rolls her eyes.) Go knock yourself out.

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Jodie and Mack, who have been manning the Africa booth. We see several colorful artifacts, but instead of sitting back and showing them to people, both are busy chit-chatting with the people in the Carribean Islands booth next door. Jodie is talking to one girl, and Mack is talking to a few guys.)

JODIE: The same town?? I can't believe it.

GIRL: (nodding) From the way I look, no one would guess I had a black relative from Bermuda. Most of my family came from Cuba.

JODIE: I wonder if my grandfather and your grandmother knew each other.

GIRL: (shrugging) It was small town. I wouldn't be surprised.

JODIE: Do you have any more pictures? If you're willing to wait, I can run home real quick and get some of my own...

(Cut to shot of Mack, who's been giving the history of his relatives to the other students.)

MACK: ... And so it was kind of a Romeo and Juliet thing. Great-grandpa was black, Great-grandma was white, their families were against the marriage. (smirks ruefully.) Sure, they had to break off contact from their loved ones and stamp out a few burning crosses in their frontyard, but hey, as they say, love conquers all.

GUY: Whoa, man. Did they make it?

MACK: As a couple, you mean? (shaking his head.) After sixty-years together, they finally got taken down. (Bt) By old age.

(The guy momentarily looks stunned, then gets what Mack said, and gives him a light punch on the shoulder.)

GUY: Way to throw us for a loop, bro. You tell a mean story.

GUY 2: Yeah. You know, I was kind of reluctant to come to this fair O'Neill had planned. But it's turned out to be okay.

MACK: Didn't want to come? Why not?

GUY 2: (shrugging) Ah... you know. Thought everything would be all serious, and I'd say the wrong thing and people'd think I was a bigot, or something.

MACK: (stunned) Oh. (gets a thoughtful look on his face.) Hmmm...

(For a few moments he sits there and reflects, as though he's realizing something for the first time. Then he looks offscreen and groans loudly.)

(Pan over to show Kevin not far in the distance. He's busy eating a kabob -- rather sloppily, too. The sauce drips all over him and on the floor. He walks cheerfully and obliviously up to DeMartino, who's observing the goings-on at the fair from the sidelines.)

KEVIN: Heeeeeyyyy, Mr. D! Neat-o costume!

(DeMartino glances around, trying to see if he can get away with uttering something nasty. Finally he realizes he can't.)

DeMARTINO: (gritting teeth) I'm not WEARING one, Kevin, my fine LAD.

(Kevin flicks his hand, so that sauce from the kabob flies onto DeMartino's shirt.)

KEVIN: Oops. (grins) Sorrrrrryyyy.

DeMARTINO: That's OKAY, my boy. (grits his teeth harder, his eye nearly pops out.) Try to be a little more CAREful next time.

KEVIN: Nooooo problem, Mr. D. (claps him on the shoulder, and is rewarded by a nearly teeth-shattering scowl. Just then, Kevin spies Mack offscreen and waves.) Heeeeyyyy, Mack Daddy!

MACK: (offscreen) How many times have I told you -- DON'T call me that!!

(Kevin waves at him again, nonchalant. Just then, as if on cue, Ms. Li appears. She glares at Kevin.)

MS. LI: (stern) Mr. Thompson, you seem to have called Mr. MacKenzie a name he finds offeeeeensive. Suspended! (She leaves.)

KEVIN: Who is? (long Pause. shock) Me?!

DeMARTINO: YES!!!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, who have witnessed this whole thing.)

JANE: Admit it: that was funny.

DARIA: (smirking) All right, I'll admit that was. (Bt. takes a bite of her own kabob.) But it figures: here we are at Disneyland, and who should appear but Cruella DeVil?

JANE: Hmm, "Disneyland"? (finishes off her latke.) Why do I have a feeling that's not a flattering comparison?

DARIA: (shrugging a response) Again, I ask: will any of this really change anything at school? After we're blinded by the shiny colors and nearly die of food-poisoning from one too many half-frozen kabobs, who's to say we won't all have forgotten our lesson in diversity come Monday morning?

(Beat)

JANE: Yeah, well... a wise person said you gotta start somewhere. And I guess this is somewhere. (Bt) When you think about it, what are the alternatives?

DARIA: A P.C. Police State.

JANE: You said it. At least here, people are hanging out together, having a little fun, maybe learning a thing or two about different cultures. There's no nastiness...

(Cut to shot of Brittany, Andrea, and Upchuck playing Mah-jong at the China booth.)

BRITTANY: (twirling a lock of hair, frowning at her tiles) This is hard.

UPCHUCK: (smiling wickedly) Laaaadies... I believe the Chuckster declares himself winner. (gestures at his tiles.) Now according to our arrangement, which one of you lovelies is going to strip down to her bare essentials and give me some loooovin'??

(Pause. Brittany and Andrea look at each other, stunned, for a few seconds. Then Brittany gives Upchuck a cheerleader's kick where the sun don't shine, and Andrea picks him up by the scruff of the neck and shoves him away.)

DARIA: (offscreen) Other than the usual cruelty and mayhem.

(Cut to shot of Quinn and Stacy. Quinn's struggling to spin a dreidel. Stacy's gotten the hang of cooking latkes, and is now spooning out bits of knowledge from the book she was reading to everyone.)

STACY: (cheerful) ... And the Pharisees taught a practical form of Judaism, which wasn't really well-liked by the apocalyptic groups, like the Essenes and the Christians, who thought purity laws should be strictly observed at all times...

(Quinn looks up at Stacy dazedly for a few seconds. Her dreidel collapses on the table.)

(Cut to shot of Tiffany, Ms. Barch, a few other female students, and Mr. Phelps at the South America booth. A girl has just handed Phelps a cup of coffee.)

PHELPS: (with disdain) I'm sorry, I just don't like Colombian. I prefer the much superior flavor of Guatemala Antigua.

BARCH: (rolling her eyes) Aw come on, Snooty -- crushed beans and water ain't a whole lot different no matter where it comes from.

PHELPS: (cool, raising a brow at her) With that attitude, Janet, you will never brew a decent cup of coffee.

BARCH: And you'll never learn how to get that stick out of your ass. But may I remind you that some poor Colombian woman probably spent every day slaving away in the fields to harvest the beans that went into that coffee, while the man of the house just watched and sipped lemonade.

PHELPS: I really don't think that's true --

BARCH: So dammit, you'll DRINK it!!

(Phelps presses his lips together and glares at her with resentment, but finally does what she says. Meanwhile Tiffany leans toward him.)

TIFFANY: Does this make me look fat?

(Cut to shot of some guys standing in the far corner of the gym, gazing at the festivities and smirking and laughing. Resume shot of Daria and Jane. Daria sees this, cocks a wary eyelid.)

JANE: Yeah, you have to start somewhere. But how far you go with multiculturalism depends on how important each person thinks it is.

DARIA: (sardonic) Individual thought. Scary.

JANE: (shrugging) I dunno... it kind of is scary. At least for people like Jodie, who have to worry about some idiots never getting a clue, no matter how much they're taught.

DARIA: Hmm... yeah.

JANE: (sly glance) And admit it, my friend. You could stand to have a little more cultural awareness in your life.

DARIA: Perhaps. (Bt. frowns) Wait -- you're not saying I'm one of the idiots, are you??

(Jane merely smirks wickedly -- and ducks.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 5 (Israel booth, a short time later)

(Shot of Quinn and Stacy. The line has dwindled; now people mostly drift by. Quinn's given up on the dreidel -- she's now flipping through the book Stacy was looking at. Stacy's watching people go by. She sees Ms. Li, and gets a subdued expression.)

STACY: Hey, Quinn? Did you hear that Jamie White got suspended?

QUINN: Who?

STACY: You know -- the third J.

QUINN: Ohhhhh. (She forgot his name!) How come?

STACY: He was standing up for Sandi to Ms. Li. He said she wasn't so mean, and that she'd apologized to him for stuff she'd done.

QUINN: Oh. (gets a funny look on her face.)

(Pause)

STACY: (timid) Do... you... think she said racist things?

QUINN: (shrugging) Sure she did. Sandi's capable of lots of stuff.

(Beat)

STACY: I... don't know. Sandi wasn't so bad when me an' Tiffany went to visit her. She was even kind of nice... for her.

QUINN: (turning to Stacy. irritated) Well of course she was nice. She knows she can't control you guys, anymore. But the minute she becomes president again, you'd better watch out.

(Beat)

STACY: Um... yeah. (Pause. even more timid -- recognizing the hostility that is building within her friend.) Quinn?

QUINN: What?

STACY: I thought you told me that you don't hate Sandi, but she hates you. (Bt) What makes you think that?

(Quinn tosses her hands in the air and glares at her.)

QUINN: God, Stacy, didn't you pay attention to anything she did when she was president?? (Bt) She never knew how to give a sincere compliment. She was always putting us down, especially me. She wouldn't listen to anything that didn't mesh with what she was thinking. Oh, and then there's the itty-bitty fact that she was too happy to use my vision problems as an excuse to dump me from the Fashion Club. So I dunno, Stacy -- maybe that's why I think she hates me!

(Pause)

STACY: (quiet) Wh-why d' you think she acted that way?

QUINN: How should I know?? She was probably just jealous of me. Maybe she doesn't really think she has what it takes and hated everyone who does.

(Pause. Stacy cowers a little under Quinn's icy glare. She takes a few steps away.)

STACY: Oh. Oh-okay. (Bt) That m-makes... um, that makes sense...

(Beat)

QUINN: (mystified by the sudden change in her demeanor) Geez, Stacy, what is wrong with you?? Why're you acting so freaked out all of a sudden?? You act like I'm gonna bite, or something.

(Pause)

STACY: I-I... (takes several deep breathes... is starting to hyperventilate.) I'm sorry, Quinn.

QUINN: Well snap out of it. (chuckles with irritation and amusement.)

STACY: I-I would, but...

QUINN: What??

STACY: I-it's just... (Pause) I used to get scared around Sandi an' not say anything right because she was always so m-mean and angry. And I never felt that way around you... b-but now... (Pause) since you became president, y-you sometimes act just like her.

(Stacy's mouth trembles; the instant these last words leave her mouth, she looks as though she regrets them. Quinn gazes at her -- first with astonishment, then anger, then with some sorrow. For the next several seconds neither speaks. Finally Quinn tosses a hand in the air with disgust.)

QUINN: Watch the booth, Stacy. I'll be right back.

(She goes to find Ms. Li.)

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane walking on the other side of the gym. They've done most of their fair exploration, and are now ready to talk to Jodie.)

JANE: (looking offscreen) Hmm, Jodie's not at the Africa booth, anymore. Wonder where she went...

(cut to:)

SCENE 6 (outside, at that same time)

(Shot of Jodie walking out of the gym, in the direction of her car. She's going to run and get the photos of her grandfather from Bermuda, as she promised the girl at the Caribbean booth. As she passes one building, the sound of faint, uncontrolled laughter hits her ears. Jodie stops, gets a suspicious frown. She creeps over and peers around one side of the building. From her POV, we see many of the guys Daria spied earlier, joking amongst themselves.)

GUY: ... Man, did you see all those freaky-looking outfits?? That one guy looked like such a big homo, I was ready to pound him one.

GUY 2: Dude, let's do it after this crappy fair is over with. Or maybe we could figure out how to trash the fair so it ends early.

GUY: No way, dude. Li would kick our asses out of school so fast --

GUY 3: So what?? It's what she'd do anyway, with all her friggin' suspensions. At least this way we could show 'er how we feel about having to go to a school that kisses minorities' asses.

GUY: Yeah, I'm sick of having to play suck up to the stupid niggers and wetbacks. They're taking over!

GUY 2: You said it. And none of this touchy-feely crap's gonna make me see them as anything but niggers and wetbacks.

GUY 3: So how 'bout let's trash the stupid thing. Show 'em who's boss!

JODIE: Dammit, you'd better not!

(She blurts these words without thinking. The guys turn and look at her, first shocked, then with smirks of rage and scorn.)

GUY: Ooh well look: the one who started it all.

GUY 2: Awwww... so does that mean you're gonna go cry to your mama and Ms. Li and tell us big bad boys to stop??

JODIE: (face reddening) You shut the hell up.

GUY 3: Hey, watch it, ho!

GUY: Easy, man. Don't go scaring the poor wussy bitch like that. You might make her go wah-wah to that cunt, Li, an' get us kicked out.

JODIE: (low voice) It'd be what you deserve.

(Beat)

GUY 2: Ooooh, well look: she is gonna go complain. (immitation of a baby's whine.) Wahhhhhh-wahhhhh... I can't keep up with the whiiiiiiite kids!!!

GUY 3: (playing along) Wahhhhhhhh... I'm not as smart as 'em, my mama's on welfaaaare... my daddy's flipping burgers... an' the school's gotta teach Ebonics an' crap to me 'cause I can't speak good E-e-engliiiiish!!!

JODIE: That is NOT true!

GUY: (ominous tone) Y' know, bitch, I'm getting tired of your whining. Maybe you oughtta be taught a lesson in fairness.

GUY 3: (also ominous) Maybe we oughtta show you who's boss.

(The first guy cracks his knuckles and walks slowly toward her. The other two follow. Jodie goes pale, and trembles slightly, but holds her ground. The guy makes a motion like he's going to hit her, causing Jodie to cringe slightly. He then stares at her, starts smirking, and then cracks up. His cronies do so as well. They laugh loudly, pleased with their fake-out.)

GUY: Thanks a bunch, bitch. We'll have to do that again sometime...

(He motions to the other two guys. Feeling that they've worked out their rage by teasing a black student, they no longer feel like taking revenge on the fair. Instead, they all jet away, leaving Jodie red-faced and shaking.)

JODIE: (closing her eyes) You're not worth it... you're not worth it...

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 7 (sometime later)

(Shot of Jodie standing alone at a tether ball court, not far from the gym. She's been standing there for a while, pushing the ball back and forth, sometimes softly, other times with a force that causes the ball to nearly be yanked off its rope. Her expression is blank, and her eyes look slightly glazed over. At long last, she closes her eyes, seeming very, very tired. A couple of tears squeeze through the crack in her eyelids and hover there. Suddenly, from offscreen, we hear the click-clattering sound of heels on the pavement. At first faint, they grow louder and louder. Jodie show no signs of hearing. Then:)

SANDI: (offscreen) There you are.

(Jodie looks up. Without thinking, she takings the ball and hurls it in Sandi's direction. We see that it misses her by a hair, then flies back and smacks the pole. Sandi's haughty visage gives way to shock. She frantically checks out her hair and nails to make sure they've been undisturbed, then clenches her fists and glares at Jodie.)

SANDI: Like, what the HELL was that for?!

JODIE: (not putting up with crap) It's my way of saying stay AWAY from me!! I'M SICK OF YOU, AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!! God, you think you OWN THE WORLD!!! You think you can just DICTATE TO PEOPLE what's fair and HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LIVE! (sniffles.) And you just bully people who don't agree with you by hitting them where it hurts most! Well I've been hurt, and I don't want to be hurt anymore, so just stay the hell away!!

(With that, the tears flow harder down her cheeks. Sandi watches her, anger giving way to discomfort.)

SANDI: Geez... I guess this was the wrong time to come...

(Pause. She turns away and starts to leave. But after taking a few steps, she looks back over her shoulder at Jodie. Jodie has covered her eyes and is leaning against the tether ball pole. Some of the tears on her cheeks drip onto her shirt. Sandi stands there stiffly, then glances around for someone to relieve her of this awkward situation. Finally she turns and reluctantly heads back over to Jodie. She reaches into her purse and extracts a lacy handkerchief.)

SANDI: (stiff) Um, here. (offers it to Jodie.) You can, like, use it if you want. But it was specially designed by Calvin Klein himself, so try not to stain it too much.

(long Pause. Finally Jodie makes a jerking motion with her hand to show that she refuses. She turns away and tries to wipe her tears off with her sleeve. Looking a tad insulted, Sandi puts the handkerchief back, then searches through her purse some more.)

SANDI: Well then maybe you could benefit from a few skin ointments. Puffy skin around the eyes is so not attractive.

JODIE: (sniff) Why are you here??

(Beat)

SANDI: You, like, hung up the phone on me an' I wasn't going to go to your house, so I came here to tell you off. (Bt) Only that doesn't seem like the right thing to do now.

(Jodie doesn't respond; she sinks down on the ground. Sandi stands over her, still looking torn about whether to leave or stay.)

SANDI: (decisive) I did not say racist stuff to you. I wouldn't say racist stuff to you. Perhaps I did a few things in the past to make you think -- (interrupted by a sharp laugh from Jodie.)

JODIE: A few things?? (sniff, cough.) You've never been anything but a complete jerk, even when you try to defend yourself. From the way you hurt Jane, it seems just like you to say hateful things to me if you thought I was a threat. (Bt) So what did I do, Sandi -- show you you're not as popular as you think you are, or something??

(Pause. During this time, Sandi's face has gone pale. She now glares at Jodie.)

SANDI: (cool) If you, like, weren't a crying mess right now, I'd tell you that your Little Miss Perfect act gets really annoying. And it's all a big fake. Who's the one saying nasty stuff to me --?

JODIE: Just go away.

SANDI: No! Not until you tell Li I didn't say racist stuff to you.

JODIE: (dripping sarcasm) Oh, fine, so this is why you came. (sniff) You just don't want to get a bad rep, is that it?? Well how am I supposed to believe you didn't say anything racist??

SANDI: Because I wouldn't. (eyes narrowing.) I mean yes, you are annoying as hell, thinking that you're always so much nicer and better than everyone else. But that doesn't translate into a problem with your skin color. If I really wanted to insult you, I would start with your pores and work my way up to your hairstyle and wardrobe preference.

(Beat. Jodie listens, a sober look on her face.)

SANDI: Besides, when I think about that other stuff I did, I, um, (gets an uncomfortable look on her face.) I... didn't want... I don't want that again.

(Beat)

JODIE: Why not? (Sandi gives her a freezing expression.) Just tell me. I want to know.

(Pause)

SANDI: (sort of mumbling) Um, 'cause it was dirty. I, like, felt really gross afterward, and that is, um, not a feeling I want to live with. (shudders.) And, um... (Pause) I don't usually get like that with people unless they really deserve it -- like Quinn and her stupid backstabbing. If she thought I didn't know what she was up to, she was wrong. I couldn't even be real friends with her 'cause I just knew she was waiting... (Pause. meets Jodie's eyes again, and jerks herself out of her rant, back into the present.) And, um... even when I get back at people, I um... don't... I never got back at them the way I did at that Jane person.

(Pause)

JODIE: (sober) Why did you strike out at Jane like that?

(Pause. Sandi appears ready with an answer, but then stops and thinks for a long while. There is a barely perceivable slump in her shoulders.)

SANDI: (quiet) I wanted to be popular... I guess. She didn't need to be popular -- she was already used to being a nobody. And maybe I just thought being popular was the most important thing, and she wouldn't care if I said mean stuff about her 'cause she was used to it already. I didn't think it... I didn't think...

JODIE: But you quit student council. (Sandi frowns a little and cocks a resolute brow.) Was it because of how you felt about Jane, or because of what I said about the other members hating you?

(Beat)

SANDI: I guess I wanted to quit from the first day I got made the stupid Vice-President. (Pause. gets a disgusted look on her face, flings a hand at Jodie and turns away.) Well geez, I hope you're happy now that I've, like, told you my life story. I might as well just go home, since you're obviously not going to help me out... (starts to leave.)

(Jodie gives Sandi a long, hard lookover. She stands up slowly.)

JODIE: No, wait. (Pause) I'll tell Ms. Li you weren't acting racist.

(Sandi turns to look at her, shocked. She wasn't even being manipulative this time around.)

SANDI: So you believe me, now??

(Jodie doesn't reply. She just motions at Sandi to follow her, and they head back toward the gym.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 8 (gym)

(We see Daria and Jane. They've been shooting the breeze and gorging on more fair cuisine, and now they get stunned expressions on their faces as they see Jodie and Sandi heading in their direction. Just as they've reached them, from offscreen:)

QUINN: Sandi??

STACY & TIFFANY: Sandi!

(Sandi turns and looks with silent astonishment as Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy approach her. Quinn's shawl is off, and her hair is in slight disarray. She at first looks stunned to see her nemesis, then irritated.)

SANDI: (even-toned) Quinn.

JODIE: (noticing her sour expression) What happened?

QUINN: (sarcastic) I got suspended. (to Sandi.) Thanks to you. (to Jodie.) And you.

JANE: Come again?

STACY: Quinn tried to tell Ms. Li that she didn't think Sandi was a racist, and Ms. Li suspended her.

TIFFANY: Yeah.

(Sandi gets a look of shock. Daria cocks an eyelid at her, then at Jodie. Jodie frowns.)

JODIE: Why? You didn't say anything offensive, did you?

QUINN: (resentful) No. But she didn't care.

(Beat)

JODIE: That just doesn't sound right.

DARIA: You mean Li not listening to reason and slapping her with an unduly harsh punishment?

JODIE: (shaking her head) I'm gonna go talk to her.

(She leaves quickly. Daria nods at Jane, and they follow. They leave Sandi, still in shock, with Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 9 (Li's office, a short time later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jodie, Daria, and Jane sitting in Ms. Li's office, with Li seated across from them in her chair.)

JODIE: Let me get this straight: you suspended Quinn Morgendorffer for protesting another student's suspension??

MS. LI: That is correct.

JODIE: But why?? Her mother's the one threatening a lawsuit against the school because of racism.

MS. LI: Ohhhh yes. (cackles.) Delicious irony, isn't it?? (Bt) Oh, and while I'm at it, I've been meaning to suspend Daria Morgendorffer. And Jane Lane as well.

DARIA: (deadpan) Didn't see that one coming.

JANE: Nope.

JODIE: Ms. Li, with all due respect, isn't this rather extreme? Why not --?

MS. LI: (irritated) Ooh-hooo, extreme, Ms. Landon?? That is the price we pay for keeping the school free of violence or intolerance. (Bt) Of course, your parents could just teach you children how to respect other students' rights to exist, but ohhhhhh no! That would require them to take five minutes out of their hectic twenty-four-seven worrrrrkoholic lives to actually communicate with you. Better to just leave it to the schools -- then when some disturbed little monster spews bullets or fillllthy language at the student body, they'll know it's not their fault.

(Pause. There's some truth to what Li said, and neither Jodie, nor Daria nor Jane, can deny it.)

JODIE: But even so... couldn't you just tone things down? Investigate the students who actually say nasty stuff, instead of ones who just look like they might? If you keep coming down on students based on flimsy evidence, you'll encourage a backlash.

MS. LI: (indignant) Any lawsuit they throw at us we'll be ready for. Our actions are leeegally sound.

JODIE: I'm talking about a social backlash. Bigots who always hated minorities could see this as proof that their hatred was justified, and feel they can still be mean because they don't have anything to lose. And the people who we actually could teach to be more tolerant might get resentful because they think they're being treated unfairly.

(As Jodie says this, Daria looks a bit stunned by her change of opinion since they last spoke of the subject. Li, too, seems confused.)

MS. LI: You didn't seem to have these objections when I enacted the "zero tolerance" policy a week ago. (suspicious.) What makes you suddenly so concerned??

(Pause)

JODIE: I guess because I recently learned that my judgment isn't foolproof. I was really sure Sandi Griffin had written the racist note to me. So sure, that I never even looked for proof. I mean, she was already spoiled and nasty -- her being white just drove me over the edge.

MS. LI: (surprised) So you're saying Ms. Griffin is iiiinnocent??

(Beat)

JODIE: (with slight hesitation) At least she isn't guilty. (Bt) She told me some stuff that made me realize I'd come down on her too quickly. If she hadn't come to confront me, I might still be sitting on the ground outside, crying my eyes out. (Pause. She gets quizzical looks from Li, Jane, and Daria. Instead of explaining, she says, with realization:) Look, Ms. Li: what if you toned down your policy and created new ones that focused on students talking?? I've learned a lot more today about racial issues from doing that than from any other method.

MS. LI: Ha right, missy! It'll be a cold day in hell before I relinquish the "zeeeeero" tolerance policy. Not with a group of minority parents threatening to cut my throat the moment one of their progeny gets an unkiiiiiind word.

(Pause. Jodie lowers her eyes and turns her head toward Daria. She looks at her with a meaningful expression. Daria nods slightly and cocks an eyelid that says,"I concur." Finally Jodie turns back to Li.)

JODIE: What if I asked them to back down from their threat?

(Beat)

MS. LI: (eyeing Daria) What about your mother??

DARIA: I'll distract her with a newspaper headline about unequal pay for equal work.

(Pause)

MS. LI: All right. If you can do that, then I'll agree.

(Jodie looks back at Daria and Jane with a faintly triumphant smile. They smirk back at her. All is forgiven.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 10 (Lawndale High, the following week)

(Shot of Jodie walking down the hall with Mack.)

MACK: (shaking his head) I don't know, Jodie. I still think you're letting them off too easy.

JODIE: What d' you mean? Those jerks who made fun of me will still get investigated for saying nasty things. It's just that now, they won't automatically be guilty.

MACK: It just seems like too easy a way for them to get away with what they did. (Bt) And as for Sandi: you really think she didn't write that note to you??

(Jodie shrugs.)

JODIE: Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. I don't know who wrote it. Maybe one of those guys did. Maybe it was someone I never met. But the point is, for my own peace of mind, I'm gonna let it go.

MACK: (shaking his head again) I don't know, Jodie...

JODIE: (resolute) Michael, hating people and blaming people were just making me upset all the time. If I kept on doing it, I would feel even less comfortable in school than I did before all this started. I don't want to lose my friends, and I don't want to stop thinking that most people at this school are good.

(Beat)

MACK: (conceding slightly) I see your point. But optimism alone isn't gonna curb racism. You have to get agressive, too.

JODIE: (patting his arm. encouraging) Well then maybe you can be the watchdog for both of us. If you see anyone acting racist, or for that matter sexist or homophobic, speak up about it, and encourage others to do so, too. Just please don't let it drown out everything about you that's nice and decent, okay?

MACK: (smirking) Sure.

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers. Both are holding books, and Daria is red.)

JANE: (smirking) Well, well... O'Neill sure knows how to give an apology.

DARIA: He might have chosen a subtler approach than by staging the Irish Peace Accords. (conceding.) But I suppose it was nice of him to say that the Northern Irish were victims, too, of pointless bloodshed in the name of religion.

JANE: Yeah... and to think it was something he heard at the fair that made him change his mind.

DARIA: There's that sweet taste in my mouth again. Pardon me while I go gargle some vinegar.

JANE: (smirking) Speaking of fair, what happened to Quinn and her newfound faith?

DARIA: She dropped Judaism like a hot potato after flipping all those greasy ones. Then she immediately picked it back up.

JANE: Why?

DARIA: It seems Stacy is really into Judaism now. She's learning Hebrew, ancient Jewish history, and the dimensions of Jennifer Grey's old nose. That, plus Tiffany knowing the finer details of Jewish holidays, and there's no way Little Miss Spotlight Seeker is going to be left behind. So they've all decided to make weekend pilgrimages to synagogue. I predict it will last until the next major sale at Cashman's.

JANE: (smirking) But of course. (Bt. glances around.) So this is Day One after the "zero tolerance" policy ended. Do you notice a difference?

DARIA: (shrugging) People seem slightly more braindead than usual, which must mean they're more relaxed. Otherwise, I'd have to say that this school doesn't feel more tolerant.

JANE: Well there is the new, more diverse booklist O'Neill gave out yesterday. I'll admit (shakes her book.), Their Eyes Were Watching God is my kind of tale. A woman breaking free of the chains of conformity. (Bt) Plus steamy love scenes, lots of 'em! Yep... my kind of tale.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Of course. (Bt. holds out her book.) All the Pretty Horses isn't so bad -- though I plan to write my report on how McCarthy's attempt to show us the real Mexico falls flat on its face and instead produces an array of stereotypes that do more damage to Americans' view of our southern neighbors than did the stereotypes that were already in existence.

(Beat)

JANE: That's... my Daria.

(Before Daria can reply, we see Sandi walking past her and Jane in the foreground. Daria closes her mouth, and she and Jane observe her with silent interest. Just as Sandi is nearly offscreen, she stops, then slowly backpedals. Stands in front of Jane and Daria wearing an uncomfortable, yet haughtily resolute, expression.)

SANDI: Fine. I suppose it's time I got this over with, so we can both get on with our lives.

JANE: (faux innocent) Get what over with??

(Sandi doesn't respond, but instead eyes Daria with suspicion.)

SANDI: Must she be here?

DARIA: (deadpan) This is a free hallway.

JANE: (firm) The friend stays. It's in our contract.

SANDI: (not getting Jane's playfulness) Um... (rolls her eyes, groans.) All right, fine. (long Pause, as Sandi tries to figure out what to say without lowering herself too much.) Like, I... stuff... there was... I did... I...

DARIA: Easy, there. Don't try to get them out all at once. (Bt) A word a minute will do.

(Sandi closes her mouth and glares at Daria. Jane cocks a brow at her friend as if to say,"Nice job, but that's enough.")

JANE: Finish with what you were saying, Sandi.

(Pause)

SANDI: I... just, um... wanted to say. (inhales, exhales deeply.) I did... stuff to you a while back that... I, um... like, shouldn't've done, or whatever.

(Pause. She looks at Jane to see if that will suffice. Jane says nothing, looks at Daria. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: And??

SANDI: (frowning at her) And I'm s-s... (Pause. struggles to get out the words.) Well, I suppose I'm s-s-s... I'm... I should say that I'm... I'm (Pause) er, that I apologize.

(Pause. Jane lets her eyes drift sideways, giving this some consideration. Finally she looks at Sandi and smirks.)

JANE: Apology accepted.

SANDI: Um, good. (They very awkwardly shake on it, and Sandi shows proper tact by resisting the urge to wipe her hand off. Still blushing, she turns to Daria.) Like, tell Quinn I said hello, or whatever.

(She then leaves quickly. Daria's face registers faint disappointment.)

DARIA: Damn. No "sorry."

JANE: (pleased) Oh, I'm willing to bet she was sorry.

(Beat)

DARIA: You're the judge.

(Pan over to shot of Jodie, who stopped to watch this scene, unobserved by all three of them. She smiles a faint, hopeful smile, then walks on.)

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

This is another one of those grab-your-head-and-scream fanfics, along with "Outvoted" and "Surreal World." All three covered large social subjects (politics and image; voyeuristic TV shows; racism). And as with the previous two, I come away from "Primarily Color" feeling like I didn't show as much as I wanted.

I actually expected all along that I'd feel that way. If I were to delve into every topic connected to race or ethnicity, including immigration, bi-lingual programs, issues about religion in school, interracial dating, Confederate flag -- friend or foe?, et cetera, I would need a novel. Or three. And the tone of my work would probably be more sober than it is in "Primarily Color." One thing that concerned me was that the tone wasn't heavy enough, given the subject. But then again, maybe that's a good thing, given how often race relations are portrayed in a really heated, emotional way. Perhaps this fanfic makes the issues of race a bit more accessible.

I was also very tempted to make this fic into one that explored unfair treatment of groups outside the mainstream as well as of racial/ethnic minorities. But it seemed as though that would water things down waaaay too much, and I really didn't want to take away from Jodie's angst.

Reasons for writing this fanfic? I guess one reason was because, while I've seen plenty of fanfics that deal with Jodie's mixed emotions toward being an overachiever, I haven't really seen one that's dealt with her feelings about being black. Yet the show gives plenty of evidence that she's very aware of her status as a minority and of her responsibility to other minorities. In "Gifted," she talks about having to be "Queen of the Negroes" at school, and of her desire to run a consulting firm that helps "minority startups." In "The Lost Girls," she criticizes Val for running a magazine devoid of a "multi-cultural, multi-ethnic, less braindead point of view." And in "Daria! The Musical," both Jodie and Mack sing wistfully of the town blowing away, making them the "majority." Although we've never seen either of them suffer from racial slurs, they surely would have at some point -- especially in a majority white school in a white, upper-middle class town.

In fact, Lawndale and Lawndale High resemble my town/high school in many ways. And the incident of the racist note reminded me of one where some minority students came into our newspaper room, shaking with rage, because we had let an ambiguously racist message slip into print (some guy had written to his friend: "Get back on the boat as fast as you can"). The then-editor on staff immediately set to work creating a "sorry" issue, filled with writers' articles about how we're committed to diversity, etc. That helped launch a "culture week" at our school, which included a day of hugging and sobbing and sharing known as "Challenge Day" (which I lightly mocked in the scenes with O'Neill), and a "culture fair," which was similar in look and feel to the one I set up in Act Three. Did it make our school more tolerant? I didn't think so, but that's because teachers and administrators never really followed up on it. More on that in a bit...

Another reason I wrote this fanfic is because I happen to live in a state that is the most racially/ethnically diverse in the union, and blessed with the challenge of finding ways for us all to "get along." Here (especially in Berkeley, where I live), topics of race/ethnicity come up almost daily. Oftentimes there's tension and hostility laced in these topics, like in this quote by the lovely Peter Knight, politician and founder of the so-called "defense" of marriage initiative:

"Today there are minority groups all over the country that are screaming and demanding and we as a people are giving into their demands, one right after the other. I don't think we can continue to do that and maintain these United States." (San Francisco Examiner, Feb. 7, 2000)

So I thought it'd be interesting to detail some of the issues at work. Not all, since, as I said, I would have required much more space. I wanted to see how a school like Lawndale High would react to some of these issues.

You can guess I'm no fan of guys like Peter Knight, but otherwise, my feelings about racism are mixed. Above all, I wanted to show in this fanfic how complicated racial issues can be. For instance: can whites really be treated as a monolithic ruling group when some whites have been oppressed at the hands of others, and those whites were oppressed as well?? Such is the case with Ireland/Northern Ireland -- those of us who've been following world events know that both sides have put together a very delicate peace arrangement after years of bloodshed and hostility. In case you didn't understand Daria's brief speech about her Northern Irish ancestors, it was in reference to the Scotch Irish who settled in Northern Ireland because they were Protestant (Presbyterian), but were later persecuted because they were not Anglican. This caused a great exodus of Scotch-Irish to the "Colonies" in the early Eighteenth Century.

What happens when it's not so easy to pinpoint a minority's heritage? Jodie and Mack, who are in touch with their black roots, still admit that theirs hasn't been a generic black experience. Jodie states in the last scene of Act Two that "Some of the discrimination Mr. O'Neill's been talking about is stuff I've never had to deal with." And Tiffany, whom I've made out to be adopted, shows that she knows more about Jewish tradition than about the culture of her birth.

What about reverse racism? Could you call Jodie's hasty fingering of Sandi to be such an example?

Are lawsuits good or bad? The ending implies that they are bad, yet without the lawsuit Jodie's parents issued against the school, the dialogue on racism might never have never have surfaced.

Overall, I tried to be even-handed, get everyone's opinion, without having this turn into a big mess. Sorry if things seemed a little too "We are the world" in Act Three: I had a hell-of-a-time figuring out how I was going to bring this all to a climax.

But I guess my feelings on the subject are that lawsuits, or the guilt Helen spoke of in Act Two, may be an effective means of stirring racial dialogue, but that they aren't effective in the long-term. I'm more a believer in the talk-it-out strategy, though who knows if that's so effective either. But as Daria expressed in Act Two, I get irritated with discussions that reduce people to their race or ethnicity, and completely disregard the fact that people could bond via personality. But feel free to debate me if you wish. ; >

On a final note, I just wanted to let you know that this is my last continuum fic before Season Four. TDWU episode #15 won't arrive until after the first half of the season is over. However, before then, I intend to write a spinoff fanfic about Amy that spoofs "Providence," "Judging Amy," and "Suddenly Susan." Hopefully it will be out sometime during Season Four. Anyhow, with regard to the fifteenth episode of TDWU, here are a few goodies you can look forward to:

Learning the origins of Daria's name, and what it was originally going to be.

Seeing Grandpa Barksdale in the flesh for the first time.

Finding out what strange fates befell Helen and Jake's hippie friends.

Yes, it's another flashback episode! Just for some background: it was always in my deck of cards that I would write a flashback ep. Long ago I thought,"Cool: I'll write about Helen and Jake's wedding!" But then I found out C.E. Forman was already doing that. I also had thoughts about writing an ep. of Daria and Quinn's childhood experiences... but found out John Berry was doing that. So I chose a "tweener" ep., one in which Daria isn't there... and yet she is. Basically this fic will revolve around Helen and Jake's feelings about their approaching parenthood... and how it wreaks havoc on their hippie values. Expect the Mistress of Sarcasm to make her presence felt in some way... ; >

As for other plans for my continuum, you can read about them in my upcoming essay,"The Off-Canon Approach."

Points of Interest

Mack's reference to "The Boondocks": For those who don't know, it's a comic strip about two black kids and their grandfather living in the white suburbs. And it's managed to stir up a lot of controversy. While some praise it for tellin' it like it is, others find the stereotypes of whites and blacks to be demeaning. I still enjoy it enough to read it on a regular basis.

Phineas T. Morgendorffer: He, of course, was mentioned on Helen's web page. That he is a made-up ancestor is my attempt to explain what Helen meant by "If anyone asks... I'm going to have to tell them the truth."

What is "Jewish"?: The Morgendorffers' discussion of whether Judaism is a race, religion, or ethnicity just served to highlight the confusion many people have over it. I, personally, consider it to be a religion, though certain ethnic groups may have deep Jewish roots. It bugs me to no end when people think that Jews are a race apart.

Jake's rant was reminiscent of my mom's feelings growing up as a Jew amongst Gentile families. Not mine: we tend to celebrate a kaleidoscope of holidays, including Christmas. ; > That's why it doesn't seem strange to me that Jake could celebrate Christmas later in life, especially if Helen were Protestant. His rant also made me think of Kyle in that one "South Park" episode about Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. ; >

Quinn's superficial embrace of Judaism was, of course, a tongue-in-cheek nod to Michelle Klein-Hass's Lawndale, CT Continuum, in which Quinn actually takes Judaism quite seriously.

Andrea speaks!: Andrea's speech in Act Two was a nod to "Addams Family Values," one of my favorite movies. In particular, it refers to the scene during the Thanksgiving play, when Wednesday recites the wrongs white Americans have done to Native Americans over the past few centuries. From there, the play quickly erodes into the Play from Hell. ; >

All together, now: "We lost the race with Farmer Ed. / Eat us 'cause we're good and dead." ; >

History lesson: John Hyrcanus was ruler of Judea under the Hasmonean dynasty, from 134-104 B.C. His family's century-long reign represented one of the few times when ancient Judea wasn't ruled by a foreign power (this would end with the conquest by Rome). He is generally credited with having the qualities of the mythical King David, including a desire to push the boundaries of Judea as far as they could go.

Judah the Maccabee, in case you didn't know, helped fight off an attempt by the then-Greek ruler to destroy the Jewish Temple and build a Greek one in its place. Hannukah is derived from his success (and you thought it was just a doppleganger of Christmas, didn't you? ; >). Also, many future "great" rulers would model themselves after Judah, including Charlemagne.

Much of this info, and the stuff Stacy was talking about, can be found in books like From Text to Tradition by Lawrence H. Schiffman. Think I read it on my free time? No -- I took a college course on the history of ancient Judaism, since I knew next to nothing... (And this is not an attempt to convert anyone... I just wanted to show that these facts aren't bogus.)

Good literature: The books Daria and Jane mentioned (There Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neal Hurston and All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy) were both ones I read in college; the former (an excellent book) was almost required reading. Daria's comment about stereotypes in All the Pretty Horses was, in a nutshell, what I wrote in a paper for my "U.S. Representations of Mexico" history class.

Now for some points on characters...

Jodie and Sandi: Polar opposites, right? But opposites can attract... I don't mean in that way! But expect to see them interact more in a fairly unhostile manner down the road. As strange as this might sound, I actually think they have a lot in common.

I don't think I made it clear in the fanfic, but Sandi quit student council prior to her encounter with Quinn in the bathroom in Act One. I reckon she quit not long after Jodie told her, in "Surreal World,"that she was hated by her fellow council members.

So has Sandi turned over a new leaf?? Is she back with the Fashion Club???? I'm not telling. ; >

Mr. Phelps: He will make a more substantial appearance in fanfic #16. But you can tell, by his brief appearance here, that he is not beloved by Ms. Barch. ; >

And WOW: This is probably one of the rare fanfics that gives decent roles to Mack and Andrea!!!

Now it's time once again for THE MYSTERIES OF

This week, we'll explore the mystery of... the trailing dots. Why does it seem as though every other sentence I write... ends with trailing dots?

Because I get paid $100 for each period I insert into a fanfic, so the more the merrier!!!

In actuality, I don't know. I think I just don't like to end a sentence too abruptly. It makes me seem blunt, rude, harsh, at least IMO. In fanfic dialogue, trailing dots usually imply that the character is thinking out his/or words ever as he/she is speaking. But then, you probably already figured that out, didn't you... ? ; >

Aaaaaaaaand... I thought I might give the GAMES another try, since they were obviously popular enough that several other fanfic authors adopted them into their postscripts. ; > However, they'll be a little easier -- much like the new "Twenty-One" compared to the old "Twenty One." And they won't have a strict time limit (meaning, you won't be forced to find answers before my next fanfic comes out). Just answer the questions on your own time, and your reward will be... um, I'll be your best friend? Nah, standard rules: I'll lavish praise on you in my postscript.

How many fanfics of mine do not contain a heated confrontation between one or more of the characters?? This heated confrontation could either be a shouting match (a la Jodie and Sandi in "Surreal World") or a pivotal conversation in which one character tries to get another character to confess to something (a la Daria's challenge to Quinn in the bathroom in "Andrea Speaks!"). Hint: the answer may be none. ; >

Okay, so you tell me if this question is easier...

Oops!

Okay, it seems as though a lot of you had trouble understanding the title of my last fanfic. Just in case you still don't know,"Erin the Head" only makes sense phonetically. Say the first word slowly, and it comes out to "Air in the Head," or airhead. ; >

Acknowledgements

I must give a hearty thanks to Paperpusher, lawyer extraordinnaire, for beta-reading and helping me with the legal nitty-gritty in this fic. If I've screwed things up royally, he's not to blame. Or is he?? ; >

To those of you who have my stuff showing at your websites: if you don't have a URL, and I haven't sent you my latest fic(s), just write a polite e-mail to bug me... : >

If anyone'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4. berkeley. edu

So the new and improved Lawndale Commons is up and running, and SEASON FOUR is in two weeks!!!!! Oh, and thanks for reading!