I hate her.
I love you.
Two highly contrasting sentences- two completely different feelings toward two different people.
You were my sky, the stars, my everything.
She is the one who took you away.
I hate her.
Once upon a time, I was a lonely girl. I mean… I wasn't always lonely. I had friends, but they were never real friends. They were the people I surrounded myself with in order to forget. I forced myself to ignore their pretend smiles, their annoying laughter behind my back. I thought that's what real friends meant- someone to take away the sadness for a little while. A way of escape. In the end, though, they brought me deeper into it, because I realized that it was nothing like what it should be. I was where I could have whatever I wanted, but somehow still was left empty-handed.
And then… you came along.
Like the sun rising over the horizon, you took my bleak world and turned it beautiful.
The moment I met you, I was in love. Your smile could light up a room in an instant, your eyes like twin pools of sapphire. I was enamored with you before I even learned your name.
Len. A wonderful name, sweet and casual- like you. It fits.
It was you who took me away from the dark pit I hadn't even known I had fallen into. You were kind, gentle, and you never hesitated to become my friend. The summer I met you- the summer I turned sixteen- I thought it had to be fate.
You, the perfect boy, and I your perfect match. It was true, then- I knew in my heart that we were meant to be together. You and I both loved to dance, and I loved every note you sang. You encouraged me to pursue my own singing career, never stopping to say anything hurtful or cruel like the others. You showed me the brighter patterns in life, the roads I had somehow missed in my blind search for a new way out.
You became my guardian angel. It was my ideal life- I felt like I didn't have to hide behind a wall of false friends anymore, because I had you. You were the only friend I needed. You were the only person I had to have in my life. You were it for me.
I cherished the time I spent with you, before everything went wrong. The walks along the beach, the stories you told me, the adorable way you laughed at my leek jokes. I felt everything become so much better in my world. It was like nothing could break apart the perfect inner bubble you'd built around my heart. I spent time building my courage to confess to you, to reveal my feelings once and for all so they would be requited, but approaching you was so hard for me. I was so afraid of being- somehow- rejected by you.
You, with your blonde hair and piercing, shiny eyes that are so radiant with life. I, a teal-headed girl who wanted nothing more than to be loved by you. I imagined what family we'd have when we were older. What kind of kids we'd have, what the future would bring us together.
I never knew it would be so painful.
I never thought that I would lose you like this.
I almost wish we'd never met- maybe then I could have been left knowing what it was like without you. At least then I wouldn't have to deal with this- this horrible aching in my chest whenever I see you.
Whenever I see you and her.
I can still remember the first time you had me meet her.
Your childhood friend, Rin. Cheerful, exuberant, her face cherub-like and dainty. She was like a porcelain doll that walked into the room, perfect proportions, thin and cute. 'The person you could trust with your life', you once said.
(I wasn't worthy of that trust, too?)
I liked her… at first. She was nice, sweet like you, a bit loud and enthusiastic. Your best friend? I could hardly imagine why, but then again, you are definitely a strange one- you never failed to surprise me.
I can still remember… how my heart broke in two jagged fragments when you told me, in a voice far too excited and happy, that you were in love with her and were going to confess.
Confess? I could hardly believe my ears. I couldn't believe anything. Nothing made sense to me anymore when, with a few simple words -'I love Rin.'- you crushed my perfect dream world forever.
How? How could this be? I loved you- I had chosen you as my own, fallen for you and I- I had stupidly deluded myself into thinking you felt the same way.
I really thought… that you did.
I did try to stop you- I told you it was too soon, that you should think on it longer and wait, please just wait a little longer so that I could tell you how I felt and then you would change your mind-!
You still insisted. The exact words you said still ring in my ears like a long-faded, agonizing lullaby.
"I don't want to miss my chance. She's everything to me. I love her- I've already waited too long, Miku."
I've been… filled with so much regret. I've wanted to grab you by the shoulders and scream at you, force you to see what you've done to me, how black you turned my heart when you picked her when I was right there in front of you hoping you would see. I wanted to hurt her, hurt you, hurt anyone I could so that you would see how much pain I was in.
...Heh. That's… pretty selfish of me, isn't it? I've always been… so selfish. I wanted to have you all to myself, but…
...Maybe once, a long time ago, you were like me. Maybe she was your ray of sunshine, the silver lining to your dark place. I can't blame you, I guess- she really was a very nice person.
I guess I also… can't say I entirely hate her.
I envy her. I envy that she was given the choice, that she was the one who was able to grow along with you, who got to know every inch of you and your personality. I envy that it was her that you loved, and not me.
Even though I'm selfish, even though I wanted you to forget her and love me, the girl waiting for you… I told you that I would cheer for you. I'd root for your happiness. I remember tousling your hair and grinning even when I wanted to cry.
That night I wept. I cried for so long I almost couldn't breathe. I felt like I was dying, my insides restricted to the point where I was clutching my sides, screaming into my pillow.
At first I was sad. Then… I was so angry. I wanted to break you apart. I wanted her to disappear. I was violent, raging, like a fierce demon had been let loose.
And then I realized… it wouldn't matter.
It wouldn't matter whether I was angry, upset, or hurt. It wouldn't make a single difference no matter how I felt, because it's my fault. I hadn't told you, I hadn't said a word of my feelings and it's because of my own inability, my own mistake, that I lost you.
I also know that no matter what I said, if you really did love her… your mind wouldn't change anyway.
I was forced to watch as your feelings and hers bloomed. She easily accepted your confession, as if she'd been waiting like I had been. Her smile- no, yours even more- was too big, too joyful. A drastic difference between the two of us that I now realize might have been uncrossable from the start.
(Life is too cruel in its ways.)
It's been some time since then. You and I are still friends, but she likes to tag along now when we hang out. It's been two years since I met you, and I'm still completely, utterly in love with you.
(It's such a sad state of affairs, isn't it?)
I think I'll always be in love with you, Len. I also think you've changed me, in some ways. I used to be centered in my own dark realm, of my own creation- but you saved me from there. I realized what a true friend is.
Thank you.
Even though I can't bear to watch the two of you together, and I wish more than anything that it was me on your arm, sharing your laughter and able to touch you so freely… I think I'll be okay. I want, more than anything, for you to be happy. You gave me the most wonderful experience, and despite how much pain I'm in…
...Or how much I hate the way things are…
...I hope you're happy with her.
A/N: *cue internal screaming*
This is unbeta'd.
I'm sure like all of you are going 'ASHE WROTE A LENKU FIC OMFG OH MY THE WORLD I G' but no. This is technically a lenrin fic, with onesided!Miku. I am not starting to delve into the lenku side of things, I just wanted to write unrequited Miku.
*deep sigh* Okay.
I've wanted to write this awhile and I figured since I had some free time I'd try to work it out. I'm sorry if it's really sucky, my muse while on vacation is kind of /really/ bad. I wanted to write something while RTI is giving me grief, and then... this came out of nowere and said 'write me, I'm waiting on you stupid'.
So... I wrote. This is probably my first and last time writing this. Also, I suck at writing Miku I noticed.
I think I'll stick to lenrin. it's my child.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed-
Read on~.
~Disclaimer~ I own nothing but violence and internal pain. Lots of it.