A/N: The true title of the story will be obvious from context. The show in question is a parody of the popular infotainment program Penn & Teller: Bullshit!
Standard Disclaimer: All characters from Kim Possible are the intellectual property of the Walt Disney Company. The parody characters are my own creation.
Horse Hockey
By
James Doyle
The tall, rotund Fen Robinette sat back-to-back with his long-time partner, the diminutive Keller, a man whose given name had long since been forgotten. Standing guard over them was an attractive green woman with long, black hair, threatening them with her glowing fists.
Some hours later, a blue-skinned man in a navy blue lab coat entered the room.
"Do you have any idea who we are?" protested Fen.
"Of course I do," replied Dr. Drakken. "Why do you think I kidnapped you? You're the famous comedic magic act Fen & Keller."
"And just what do you intend to do to us? Brainwash us? Hold us for ransom? Whatever it is, it won't work. It never does."
Drakken raised a hand. "Don't be absurd. I want you to record a television program for me."
"You want us to do a show for you," replied Fen. "After we exposed you."
"Precisely," shouted Drakken. "You made a mockery of me on national television."
"Premium pay television network," interrupted Fen.
"Yeah, whatever. You used me as an example of how villains are…are…" Drakken just couldn't bring himself to say the word. Fen had no such reservations.
"Horseshit?" supplied Fen.
"Yes! Super villainy is the embodiment of the darkness of humanity. We villains are the leaders, the movers and the shakers, in evil's struggle to overcome good."
Fen closed his eyes and shook his head. "Wrong. Hitler, Napoleon, Darius of Persia. These were men with real vision for world conquest. They brought out the darkest, most sinister recesses of the human heart, and used it to mobilize people behind them. If you really wanted to conquer the world, you've have done it by now. Villainy is nothing more than cheap theatrics used in the pursuit of sordid publicity."
"You've gotta give 'em props for exposing Kim Possible," added Shego.
"Precisely!" agreed Fen. "Heroism is just as much of a cheap publicity stunt as villainy. Kim Possible has a reputation for saving the world. Well, guess what? It was never really in jeopardy! Kim calls in a few favors, trades a few blows with the likes of you people, and calls it a day."
"And what about that buffoon of hers, whose name escapes me?" asked Drakken.
"Ron Stoppable. Her act needs a fall guy, somebody to keep the mood from getting too serious. Personally, I think she has great taste in comic relief. That guy is hilarious!"
Drakken sighed. "So you're not going to record that program for me?"
Fen and Keller both shook their heads. "We only issue retractions when we're wrong. Heroism and villainy are horseshit!"
"Start the cameras rolling!" ordered Drakken to his henchmen. "If you will not speak to my true villainy, then I will demonstrate it to the world by making them watch as I exact sweet revenge on you!"
A chain hung from a crane arm began to lift the platform upon which Fen & Keller's chairs sat. The crane then carried them over to a vat of noxious chemicals.
"This one was Shego's idea, so I'll let her rant about it," said Drakken.
"Thanks, Dr. D.," said Shego. "Back in season two, you said environmentalism was horseshit. Well, just for that, you can stew in a vat the chemicals you said weren't harmful."
Fen gulped. "Well, they're not usually found in these concentrations-"
"Blah, blah, blah! It doesn't matter. Soon, the whole world will see just what a couple of dickwads you two are," interrupted Shego.
"Hey, all I ever did was follow his lead!" protested Keller.
"Ah, so you do talk!" said Drakken. "I imagine you'll be making a good deal more noise before we're through here."
"Wrong," said Fen. "Did you even watch the episode? We pointed out how your schemes to eliminate your victims invariably fail because they're overly elaborate and contrived. If you really wanted to eliminate us, you'd have had flame-girl here vaporize us."
Shego growled at them, her hands lighting up. "Believe me, I'm sorely tempted."
Just then, Fen & Keller disappeared in a puff of smoke. A small gift-wrapped box floated to the floor under a tiny parachute. Drakken caught it and opened it. It contained a small memory card, which he inserted into his computer. A video message began to play.
"It's like we said, Drakken," said Fen. "There's always that one vital detail that villains always forget. In our case, it was the fact that we're magicians. I hope you enjoyed our Houdini-style escape. You did manage to put on a good show for us, and for that, you'll be receiving a complimentary set of Fen & Keller: Horseshit! DVDs. See you in the funny papers!"
Shego laughed as Drakken did his defeat dance.
The End