This just came to me this weekend. I don't even know what it is. A collection of quotes from the show? Idk. It started with that first quote from Lucifer!Sam in the endverse when he's telling Dean about the inevitability of the Apocalypse. The season 12 finale (where Lucifer is still alive and his kid is free on earth) is kinda similar to that scene. It would always end that way. Maybe not exactly that way, but one way or another, the end would come, and it would take one of them with it. Inspiration from Freedom Hangs Like Heaven by Iron and Wine (good song, please listen to it)
Disclaimer (since I always forget, wouldn't want you mistaking me for a big-bucks writer XD): I don't own Supernatural or the characters. I do, however, own the increasingly depressing situations that I force them into.
Warning- spoilers for pretty much everything after season 4/5: I used quotes to snapshot brief moments from some of the seasons, nothing major, but if you haven't seen the entire series you might want to before you read this.
Ok. Anyway. Wow, you're still reading my author's note. I'm impressed. Prepare your tear ducts.
No matter what choices you make, what details you alter, we will always end up-
here.
There was always a choice. They'd made the wrong ones.
This sad doomed little world, it needs you-
Maybe, Cas, but it needed you too. Why couldn't you see that? How could you not know?
-it needs every last Winchester it can get-
Cas. . . Cas, you were a Winchester. A brother. Family, because family don't end in blood. And I'm sorry you didn't know that.
I'm sorry that it had to end this way. With you gone, and Mary. . . now it's just me and Sam. How it had always been, for years.
But now, knowing that we used to have more, that we used to have allies, friends, a family besides each other- knowing that we used to have so much more, a third brother. . .but. . . maybe you were more than a brother to me. I don't know; I'll never be able to ask if you felt the same.
That just makes it harder to continue. I don't think I can.
No. I can't. And I can't care if the nephilim- if Jack- rips the world apart. I can't care. There's nothing to care about anymore. And I know you believed in him, had faith in him, and I wanted to believe you, I wanted to have that same faith, I wanted to believe in you so badly at first, but I- I wasn't brave enough. To save you, or to believe you. To hope. No hope, no disappointments.
-I love you. I love all of you-
I wish you didn't have to say that under those circumstances. It wasn't fair. But I know. We know. We wish you knew the same, that you would have believed me when I repeated your words in the car. But I could see the hesitance, the way your eyebrows drew together in confusion when I uttered the words. You didn't know- you didn't believe me. You didn't believe that you were loved.
But, Cas, you had to know- I'm just- I'm terrible with these things. Emotions. You know that. You, the angel, a member of the one species that's not supposed to feel at all- you felt more than any of us.
You were the one granted- cursed?- with humanity. Faith. Hope.
And, as a brother, or maybe as something more than that, I would have traded my life for yours in an instant. But I didn't get the chance. You didn't give me the chance, you selfish bastard.
There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part. So just give me a happy middle, and a very happy start.
Spot on there, wasn't he? I tricked myself into thinking that we could win in the end. That we could all live happily ever after. That after everything we'd seen, everything we'd suffered through, that there was no way it could get worse.
Stupid.
It makes me wonder if God- Chuck- knew that it would come down to this. If he ever cared in the first place. Does he even know that you're. . . that you're gone? I hope he doesn't: if he did, then it means that he really has abandoned us. The absent father, off vacationing with Amara.
I would have been able to accept that before. Why is it so difficult now?
Nobody cares that you're broken.
Oh, God, Cas, I was always such a dick to you. I treated you like an ally, a convenient weapon for us to wield. . . why did you ever come back to us? Why did you ever help us? You were a cosmic entity, a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. You had eyes to see the whole world with- the universe with. But you traded it for us. Two brothers in a sea of 7 billion people. Why?
I can't ask you. Your headstone won't answer. It's just as stubborn as you.
That's one deep dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you?
Except I did. I did. The deep dark, the raw hole in my chest that I tried to hide from Sammy, from everyone, the one that seemed to grow, the one that I feared would one day consume me- it was banished by the light of an angel's grace. Of your grace, Cas. You can see souls. I'm sure you saw it. All of it. The corrupted darkness. It had nothing to do with the Mark of Cain. It was just-
me. But you weren't disgusted by it. My emptiness. You didn't turn away. You. . .
You saved my soul, Cas. Twice. You didn't know. I didn't tell you.
There were so many things I didn't tell you.
I'm not leaving here without you. Either you're in or you're out.
My own words back in Purgatory. They were lies. As much as I believed them, as much as I needed them to be true. . . But I guess this time around, you were the one that left me.
You can't save everyone, my friend.
No. You were right, Cas. I can't save anyone.
I rebelled. And I did it- all of it- for you. And you failed.
I know. I failed you. We failed you. So many times. After everything you'd done, everything you sacrificed for us. . . we let you down too many times.
I prayed to you, Cas. Every night.
Did you ever hear me? Did you hear what I prayed for? It wasn't to be saved. It wasn't to see Sam. I certainly didn't pray for reassurance.
I prayed for you, Cas. You. To see you. To know that you were safe.
Don't ever change, Cas.
I miss you.
I need you.
You didn't know what those words meant to me. Maybe that's why I chose them- I wasn't prepared to tell you then. I'm ready now, but now is too late.
"I need you" is what my dad would say to me when I was a kid, when we were on hunts and I was scared of what was out there. He would say "I need you" instead of "I love you". Maybe it was easier for him to say that, to act like I was a soldier instead of his 6 year old son.
Yeah, I know. I had a messed up childhood. Maybe that's why this is so hard for me.
You know me. Always happy to bleed for the Winchesters.
I need you.
It took me so long to realize that I-
I love you.
Cas? Castiel? Can you- can you just give me one last miracle?
Don't be dead.
Please.
Please review if you liked it- this is my first time posting something with first person POV, and it was kind of weird for me. Actually, the style (layout, mostly) of this entire chapter is different from how I normally write, so any feedback/critique would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :)