Scatterbrain Babies
It was a typical night of social drinking. Absurdity reigned and alcohol prevailed. /An Overly Dramatic Crackfic. RiSo, AkuRoku./
Author's note: This is me totally moving away from serious genres to not-so-serious genres. Oh yes, and this is a SNARK'D fic! It's like being PUNK'D, but fifty times more entertaining. SNARK'D is basically my abbreviation for any fic with Sora, Naminé, Axel, Riku (and/or Roxas), Kairi and Demyx figuring prominently.
Totally Necessary Warning: Impending crack.
Riku carelessly flicked the hair out of his eyes and glanced over at Sora, who was currently lying to one side on the card-littered floor, one hand clutching his empty bottle of second-rate vodka lime cruiser. He'd passed out a good few hours ago just before their final round of Texas Hold'em.
Pfft. His boyfriend was always a lightweight. A morning-after hangover was imminent. Oh, yes.
Well damn. Some night this was turning out to be.
He looked to his left, where Roxas, the shitfaced idiot, was nursing his fifth beer and prattling on about how uncapped Sharpies could blind people and that the world was most certainly flat. Truthfully, Riku couldn't care less. The blond was totally drunk off his face and he was trying (in vain) to stay upright in his chair with minimal assistance from his own boyfriend, who was looking more miffed by the second.
Riku rolled his eyes like a pro. Only a matter of time before Roxas keeled over to join Sora on the ground.
"—like, what the fuck was up with that?! I told the ashhhole that we live on a freakin' cracker-shaped planet! He laughed at me! Can you beliiiieve that guy?!"
"Okay, okay. I gotcha, Rox. Shut up already," Axel groused, and then he glared up at Kairi, who'd just returned from her bathroom break. "Yo, Kai. Stop with the free-flow of booze, 'kay? I think you've killed Sora. And fuck, it looks like Roxas is the next to go."
There was much gnashing of teeth and melodrama as Kairi rebuked her fellow redheaded ruffian. "Hey! You guys told me to play host and be the damn barmaid for the night! Be grateful and show some goddamn respect!" She sulked a little and emptied a new can of beer into her large mug.
"Baaarmaid," Sora slurred in his comatose state. "Must. Molest. Sexy. Barmaid."
Riku's eye twitched dangerously. Okay, no more alcohol for Sora ever again.
"Where the fuck are Naminé and Demyx?" Axel questioned aloud to no one in particular. "They were supposed to be here like, five hours ago."
The front door crashed open at that precise moment and the silhouette of a demon stood in the doorframe for a few theatrical moments. Then, an inebriated Larxene stumbled into the living room with a noticeable black eye and lots of dried blood in her hair.
"WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING?!" she screeched in supersonic.
"Having a party without you. What's it look like?" Riku drawled, checking his nails in a blasé and apathetic fashion.
Larxene snarled and flailed a little on the spot much like an overgrown bat.
"Sorry, lady. Invites only," Axel said loudly, "'Sides, your idiot brother's not here and neither is Nam. I have no fucking clue where they are. Possibly in jail by now. But they're the only two you actually like, and they're not here. So go away. We don't want you here. Shoo."
Larxene stared at Axel for five seconds, seething. A vein was throbbing quite visibly at her temple and her blood pressure spiked. "You guys are fucking A-holes," she proclaimed spectacularly, a finger sweeping the room so that it pointed at every single one of them. Then, she turned and left through the very same door she entered through, slamming it behind her so viciously that a corner of it splintered and landed in Kairi's beer mug.
"WHOO! The bitch left! Let's all rejoice and have another round of drinks!" Roxas sang gaily, right before slumping onto Axel and slowly sliding off his chair, finally collapsing in a heap under the table.
Kairi cackled a little, pushed her contaminated beer away and lit a cigarette whilst Riku contemptuously nudged at the fallen blond with his foot.
"Y'know, I'm fascinated at how our booze parties always end up like this," the silver-haired individual muttered, pulling a face.
"What? So and Ro unconscious, Kai smoking thirty sticks, Dem and Nam missing… and let me guess, you're currently bored and so totally not drunk?" Axel inquired distractedly, looking from his cataleptic boyfriend to the disgruntled Riku.
Riku grinned sadistically and twirled a strand of silver hair around his finger. "You're a fucking brainsick genius, Ax," he said soberly, hardly sarcastic.
"Why thank you."
Kairi sighed dramatically, a hand to her heart in condescending mockery. "Ah, male bonding. Such a beautiful thing. I wish I were a guy."
"Right. Keep tellin' yourself that, Kai."
Riku groaned and gestured wildly at nothing in particular, a little unsound and dotty. "What the hell… And here I thought tonight would lead to me and Sora having sex. AND WHERE IS HE NOW? ON THE FLOOR, POSSIBLY DREAMING ABOUT BARMAIDS."
Kairi took a drag, seemingly deaf to Riku's calamity. Either that or she was pretty much unconcerned.
Axel clucked his tongue. "Dude. Time to lay off on the drinks."
"I'm not drunk," Riku snarled. "I'm fucking serious. SE-RI-OUSSSS."
"Whoa. Okay, loverboy, cool it!" Kairi cut in erratically. "We don't wanna know how horny you are right now. Go jerk off in the bathroom or something. I left some porno mags on the floor in there."
"You could always wake Sora up you know?" Axel added helpfully. "And then see if he's up for some kinky sex. Actually, even if he isn't, just coax him into doing your bidding. He probably likes being dominated anyways."
Riku sighed. "He's not like your psycho BDSM-fanatic boyfriend, you douche. Besides, from what I've heard, Roxas tops more than you do."
"LIES," Axel scoffed. "All of them. LIES!"
"… Whatever."
Just then, Naminé and Demyx waltzed in hand-in-hand sensationally (sans trumpet fanfare), twittering madly.
"ICE-CREAM FOR ALL!" they both chorused in unison as they came to a stop at the table, magically producing a tub full of ice-cream.
"Ah, fuck—"
"Ice-cream? WHERE?" a strangled voice called out from under the table, cutting Riku off.
Apparently, Roxas wasn't too far gone yet.
And Kairi proceeded to goggle at the blond newcomers. "Where the hell did you two get ice-cream from? It's fucking one in the morning!"
Demyx giggled manically, his bloodshot eyes wide with glee. "We broke into some poor sucker's house on the way here. Raided their fridge like whoa!"
Roxas crawled out from under the table. Only one word came out of his mouth. Well, it was technically three words slurred into one.
"Wuzzaflavooor?"
"Eh, sorry Rox," Naminé said apologetically, not exactly sounding too apologetic. "They only had double mint chocolate chip."
"Those bastards," Roxas declared heatedly, slamming a fist on the ground.
Kairi tottered over to the kitchen cabinet to get bowls and stuff for the ice-cream whilst Demyx and Naminé took seats at the table.
Axel pulled his darling sweetheart back up and sat him back down, this time in his lap. The redhead curled an arm around the younger male protectively.
"You're not goin' anywhere this time, babe."
Roxas groaned. "Damn. I think I hit my head on something hard."
"That would be the floor, sweetie."
Kairi came back with six bowls and six spoons.
"Oh yay, ice-cream," Riku intoned disinterestedly. "Highlight of the night. Woohoo."
"You could at least pretend to be more enthusiastic about it, you bitch," Naminé bit out acidly. "We risked our lives to get this tub of half-melted crap."
Riku raised an eyebrow at the girl's sudden unfriendly, abrasive remark. Then, to humour her, he cleared his throat and bellowed, "OH YESSSS! ICE-CREAM! FUCKING HELL, I LOVE ICE-CREAM! NAMINÉ, YOU ARE MY HERO. IF I DIDN'T HAVE SORA, I WOULD WANT YOU TO TAKE ME IN A MANLY FASHION!"
A slight pause reigned.
Sora rolled over in his coma. "The caaaandymaaan," he mumbled briefly, and started to snore.
Naminé slapped Riku across the face and turned to the others in one consecutive movement. "Now, who's up for double mint choc chip?"
Riku glared, then he put up a hand and started yelling again. "OH, OH! ME! ME! I TOTALLY GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT HALF-MELTED CRAP THAT YOU RISKED YOUR LIFE FOR."
Axel threw his spoon at Riku.
An hour later, Riku was fast asleep on the floor, arms wrapped tightly around Sora, who was drooling all over the carpet. Demyx had somehow migrated from the table to the couch where he was mindlessly flipping through TV channels with the beaten up remote. Kairi had gone outside to sit in the porch in the dark, presumably to stone. Naminé was washing the bowls. Axel and Roxas were the only ones left at the table, making out like the world was about to end.
Done with the dishes, Naminé returned to the table and rolled her eyes when she spotted Axel and Roxas.
"You guys seriously need to get a room," she stated bluntly.
"Uhhhhn… C'mon, faster," Roxas replied with a loud moan. Naminé blinked and realised Axel had a hand down Roxas' pants.
"Jesus," she murmured, turning away and throwing her hands up in the air in exasperation. "Why do I even bother?"
The girl walked over to Demyx, resisting the urge to kick Riku in the side as she made her way there.
She plopped herself down next to her mohawk'd friend.
"'Sup, honey? Wanna watch some Sex in the City?" Demyx questioned, gesturing lethargically at the television screen where two chicks were snogging away.
"Nah, I'll pass."
He flicked the channel to some random Broadway musical, then turned back to Naminé.
"Hn… What're the others up to? They all dead?"
Naminé yawned. "Not yet. Two are comatose, maybe three if Kai's passed out outside. The other two are trying to suffocate each other with their tongues."
"Cool."
"Five bucks says they'll start having sex in five minutes."
"Ten says they'll start in two."
"You're on, bitch."
"Oooh, a feisty competitor! BE PREPARED TO LOSE, COMRADE!"
"Oy! Shut the hell up over there," Axel growled, annoyed.
"Start fucking already! I need some cash," Demyx called back.
"Fuck you, Dem."
"No, no. Fuck Roxas."
"Could you maybe, like, shut up?"
"No. You shut up."
"That's it! We're outta here. C'mon Rox, we'll continue this in the car."
Roxas grumbled a little when Axel pulled away and started to move. "Can't we just stay here?" the blond groaned. "Let them watch. I really don't care." He draped his arms around Axel's neck desperately and whispered, "I was so damn close."
Axel sighed. "I know, baby, but we need our privacy. These people are retards. Let's go do it in the backseat."
Roxas looked a little peeved and sceptical. "Lube?" he enquired.
"Plenty."
The blond considered this very carefully. After a short moment, he made his mind up.
"Okay. Fine. Let's go."
Demyx pouted. "You two are freakin' spoilsports, y'know that? I'm broke! I spent my last forty bucks on a zippo!"
Axel stuck his tongue out and gathered Roxas in his arms. "Zippos aren't your thing. Weren't you pyrophobic?"
"I'm trying to get over it, idiot."
Naminé snorted. "Two minutes are up, Dem, and they're not fucking. Fork out the cash, loser."
"Did you not listen to me?! I'M KIND OF BROKE AT THE MOMENT!"
Axel ignored the two as they started a catfight on the couch and carried Roxas out of the house and into the pitch darkness of the night towards his car, only stopping to say his farewells to Kairi.
"Yo, K-Dawg. See ya next week, yeah?"
"Mmmurgggh…"
"Yeah. Whatever. You shouldn't stay out here too long. Might get mugged by really indecent men passing by."
"Hrmm… Zzzzzz…"
"Yeah. Same to you."
"AXEL. HURRY UP!" Roxas whined. "Or I'm gonna just jerk myself off right here, right now. You know how much Mary likes her little lamb."
"Dear god, Roxas. You're friggin' impatient."
"Aren't you?!"
"Good point." Axel turned back to Kairi. "Later, girly. The Sex God needs to tend to his horny boyfriend."
"Musical chairs… Zzzzz…"
Axel turned on his heel. "And you should really go inside and make sure Demyx doesn't burn your house down. Hell, he's turning into me!" The redhead paused and shuddered. "Now there's a scary thought."
Meanwhile, back indoors…
"Hey Nam, what do you do for a living again?" Demyx asked, massaging a purpling bruise on his arm, courtesy of the person he lost his bet to.
"Gay romance novelist."
"Ah. Riiiight. Hmm… well, okay. Gimme a scenario."
Naminé arched an eyebrow. Well now, this was different. When was Demyx ever interested in gay romance anyhow? Nevertheless, she complied and took a deep breath.
"And then Roxas, in all his naked glory, looked up adoringly into the eyes of his long-time lover. His cheeks were flushed, his golden hair was sweat-drenched and his cupid-bow lips were swollen red. And there was nothing but adoration and affection in his deep oceanic eyes. 'I love you,' he whispered softly, ghosting his fingers across his lover's chest. 'Please don't stop. I want you so, so, badly. Keep going. I want you to take me. Take me hard and fast. Oh please. Yes, yes, like that. Come on, Sora, give me more!' the blond panted wildly."
Demyx snorted. "You're sick. Seriously. Roxas and Sora? Dude… that's just totally off."
Naminé shrugged. "You asked for a scenario."
And then, from his pedestal that was the floor, Sora began to stir.
"Ow… my head…" The brunet's eyes opened and he sat up slowly. This didn't do him any good. "Oh god… no… migraine… go away!" he groaned. He blinked rapidly for a few seconds and looked around meekly. "H-hey. Did someone… did someone say ice-cream?"
Demyx looked amused. But his smirk rapidly deteriorated into a horrified grimace when Sora emptied the entire contents of his stomach all over Kairi's prized rug.
Riku bolted upright in terror just as Demyx shook his head.
"Oh, sweet Jesus. You're done for, man. Kai's gonna skin you alive. That's her favourite rug. 5 percent Mana, 2 percent Mako, 93 percent Estharian synthetic fibre! Oooh, you're so dead."
Sora just continued to spew.
A few unprecedented seconds later, Kairi's screech shattered the still night air like Satan had just lost at the game of life.
"WHO THE HELL STOLE MY WALLET?!"
There was a short ominous pause that seemed to stretch for eons. And then…
"OH, DAMN YOU AXEL, YOU ASSHOLE!"
end.
Author's note: And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the product of a terribly bored and unproductive mind that attempted to amuse itself. My muse was pretty much shot in the head several times and left for dead. So this was what I came up with in the wee hours of the morning. And it is now 5:00AM.
Reviews are welcome. Wait… do crackfics even deserve reviews? Hmm… Whatever. I adore reviews.
Oh, and I swear I'll update Your Daily Caffeine Fix soon. Honest. I don't particularly like death threats.