Fall
They were eating Chinese food after a Weevil catch when Ianto realized something important.
"We haven't gotten revenge on Rhys," he announced. "It's been two weeks and we still haven't gotten proper revenge."
Gwen sighed. "Oh, no. Guys, we really don't have to-"
Owen had an idea and interjected, "I recently saw this picture on the internet that said, Crying about your broken heart all day won't help. Set his house on fire and move on like an adult. Sounds pretty feasible, and totally deserved."
Jack grinned and called a vote. "All in favor of setting Rhys's house on fire?"
"Jack, no! We can't-" But she was cut off by a chorus of cheers from the others.
"Sorry, Gwen, you're outnumbered four to one," Owen half sang.
"But we can't! Tosh, back me up on this one," she pleaded. Tosh shrugged apologetically. "We can't just go and burn his house down! It's against the law-"
"-and since when did we care about that?" Jack gave her his cheeky Jack smirk. "It's settled. We're setting an asshole's house on fire."
Gwen sighed. "I suppose there's no stopping you four, is there?"
"Sorry, not really." Tosh chuckled softly. "Come on! It'll be fun."
"Yes, twisted Torchwood sort of fun."
"Exactly!" Ianto was clearly ecstatic about this.
"But what if we get caught?" Gwen looked seriously worried. "I mean, what if someone sees us burning the house down?"
Owen held up something that looked like a giant aerosol can. "Nobody'll see us. We should wear gas masks anyway, right?"
"What is that, a sedative or something?" Jack seemed excited.
"One whiff, they pass out. It lasts about ten minutes or so."
Tosh had a thought. "What about Rhys? He'll die in there. I mean, we all hate him, but we shouldn't necessarily kill him…"
"We'll get him out of the way. I have a plan for that." Ianto smirked.
"We'll go in first and screw around with the gas or something so it looks like an accident," Jack decided. "Although, I'm not sure how necessary that is… It would probably catch fire if I stood there long enough…" Gwen rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on, that's funny."
"Sounds like a plan," Owen interrupted. "Gwen? You alright with all of this?"
Gwen grinned. "I think so."
"Alright then! Let's go burn down a house!" Jack jumped up from his chair and lingered only to press a quick kiss into Gwen's hair before heading for the door, grabbing his can't-go-without-it long jacket as he left. He paused at the door, leaning against it and holding his hand out towards Gwen, twitching his fingers expectantly.
"I really can't believe we're doing this," Gwen muttered, and she too got up and walked over to take Jack's outstretched hand.
"God, I was hoping I'd never see this street again," Gwen sighed, sitting shotgun to Jack as he turned the car down her old street.
"It's alright," Jack said softly, and he took his hand off of the wheel to hold hers. "You won't even have to see him. Ianto's going to get him out of the way, and he won't even see you. I promise."
"Don't worry, Gwen," Ianto said from behind her. "This is your chance to get revenge!" He made an exaggerated "roar" face, clawlike hands and all, and everyone laughed.
"Rrrrrrrrevenge!" Gwen tried her best to sound like Ianto, but failed miserably. "I'm never going to be a pirate, am I?" she joked.
"Too sweet to be a pirate," Jack agreed. "You're not an asshole, unlike the rest of us. Best thing about you." He took the hand he was holding and pressed his lips to it. "This'll be your one shining moment of assholiness, Gwen Cooper."
"Or it could be her initiation into the Cardiff League of Assholes," Owen piped up. "Maybe this'll be the night Gwen stops being such an oddball."
"Owen, be nice," Tosh chastised. "Although, he's right. You are pretty strange, Gwen."
"Yes, and she's just fine that way," Jack said, squeezing Gwen's hand protectively.
"And here we are!" Ianto announced cheerfully. "You guys stay in the car while I get him out of the way, to alleviate awkwardness and/or pain."
"How're you going to get him out of the way?" Tosh asked.
"I'll put my comm on autoplay so you can hear," Ianto grinned.
"Deja vu, Gwen?" Owen joked.
"Owen! She doesn't need a reminder of that!" Tosh glared at Owen.
"Right, sorry…"
"I'm going," Ianto interrupted. He pressed the autoplay button on his comm and walked up to the door, knocking four times.
The door opened. "Oh, bloody hell, not you," Rhys muttered.
"Mr. Williams, I'm here on behalf of the Cardiff League of Assholes. Your property has been marked for an official Asshole Initiation Ceremony, and if you value your continued existence, you're going to get in your car and drive as far as you can before the ceremony begins."
"What the hell?!"
"Sir, I'd highly suggest that you leave as quickly as possible; the ceremony begins in sixty seconds and counting."
"What's the Cardiff League of Assholes?"
"You know us as special ops. Now get the fuck out of here. Before the Chief Dick gets out of the car and shoots you." He had to keep himself from laughing.
"And who the hell is the-oh. Shit. Okay! I'm going!" He put his hands up, and then he made a run for the car and drove away, Ianto punching the air as he did.
Gwen, Jack, Owen, and Tosh climbed out of the car, laughing. "Loving your nickname for me, Ianto," Jack teased. "Alright, guys, gas masks on."
"Jack, are you my mummy?" Tosh asked, imitating a young child. Jack had told the team the story of the Empty Child and they now referenced it any time they had gas masks.
"Go to your room!" Jack's fake Northern accent was horrific. "Oh, God, that was a good time. But nothing like this."
"What, you didn't burn houses down with the Doctor?" Gwen teased.
"No burning houses down. A ton of other stuff, but no burning houses down. But that's not what I meant, anyway. I mean, being with the Doctor was nowhere near as good as being on the ground with you guys." He sighed. "Alright! Owen, let's get that sedative going."
"On it," Owen replied. "Good thing we've got a sunroof," he grinned. "Jack, let's just drive down the street and I'll spray the stuff."
"Got it." Jack got back into the car and pulled out as Owen poked his head out while carrying the giant spray can. "Night-night, kids!" And the girls and Ianto watched as Owen sprayed the entire street with sedative-laced gas. It was sort of funny to watch as there were tons of people standing around the windows that fell down like marionettes with cut strings.
They pulled back into the driveway and Jack ran into the house. A few moments later, he ran out saying, "Now it'll look like an accident."
"Okay, so what now?" Owen asked excitedly
Ianto brought out a tank attached to something that vaguely resembled a hose. "We douse the house!" And he turned the thing on.
"Oh my God, we're using gasoline, too?" Gwen looked a bit nervous. "This'll be… interesting."
"We're Torchwood. Go big or go home." Jack wrapped an arm around Gwen's shoulders.
"Alright…"
Meanwhile, Tosh was getting a box full of pieces of wood and a lighter. "Almost ready, guys?"
"We're ready," Ianto grinned. "Jack, care to say a few words?"
"Sure. Ladies and gentlemen, on this night of October the third, Torchwood Three, under the guise of the Cardiff League of Assholes, is gathered for an official Asshole Initiation Ceremony, in which our newest recruit, Gwen Cooper, is going to get much-deserved revenge on her evil ex-fiance, one Rhys Williams, by setting fire to his house and moving on like an adult. Gwen, if you'd be so kind as to do the honors."
Gwen laughed and picked up a lighter and a piece of wood. "Rrrrrrrevenge!" she shouted in her horrible pirate voice, and she lit the piece of wood and chucked it at the house. In an instant it went up in flames.
The whole team cheered. "Jack, your turn!" Gwen handed Jack a piece of wood and the lighter.
Jack grinned broadly as he lit the piece of wood. "TAKE THIS, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" he shouted loud enough for the whole street to hear (except they didn't because they were asleep), and then he flung the piece of wood like a Frisbee at a window. It shattered the glass and lit the house from the inside.
"Oh my God, that's his bedroom," Gwen laughed. "Come on, someone else go!"
"Alright, my turn," said Ianto. He straightened his tie and picked up four pieces of wood, and lit the first one. "That was for hurting Gwen." He lit the next one. "That was for hurting Gwen." The next one. "That was for being a stupid, ugly piece of shit." And the last one. "And that was for hurting Gwen." He grinned. "I said that to him the last time we met."
Owen stepped forward. "Rhys Williams," Owen said in a very solemn, serious voice, "I have one thing to say to you. Just one." He picked up a very large piece and lit it. "FUCK YOU!" And he sent it flying at the front door.
Tosh decided to go next. "Okay, I'm going to be a bit more eloquent here. Rhys, when you come back and see the ruins of your burnt house, I want you to think about how you burned Gwen. Because it's practically the same thing. Except for one difference." She paused. "Gwen's got me." She lit a piece of wood and threw it. "She's got Owen." Another. "She's got Ianto." Another. "And she's got Jack!" Another. "GWEN COOPER IS NOT ALONE!"
"Hear, hear!" Ianto shouted.
"You're fucking brilliant," Owen remarked, and without warning he grabbed Tosh and kissed her passionately. Tosh was clearly a little shocked but decided to go with it.
"Kissing by the firelight," Jack mused. "Pretty cheesy."
"Captain Jack Harkness," Gwen said in the exact same tone. "Pretty cheesy." You can guess what happened next.
"Alright," Jack said thirty seconds later. "Let's get out of here before someone catches us." And they all ran for the car and drove away, laughing their butts off at their brilliant revenge.