TRANSFORMERS G1 Episode One: The Rejected Version
Plenoptic
I finally watched the first G1 episode on youtube. Halfway through, I knew I HAD to parody it. PLOT HOLES! RANDOM TIME LAPSES! It could just be a serious case of deleted-scene-itis, but either way, the opening to the greatest cartoon ever deserved a bit of mocking :D Enjoy, and none of you die-hard G1 fans gang beat me, please.
:Insert very old and much loved theme song here:
Many millions of years ago, on a planet called Cybertron, life existed. No, not the fleshy weaklings who can actually die by tripping while holding a pencil. The Cybertronians were super advanced robots who could kill you with a thumb (and that wasn't a sex joke, and it certainly wasn't originally heard on House). Due to the Decepticons being douchebag warmongers, a war raged across Cybertron…devastating all in its path…draining the planet's once rich sources of energy…because off-shore drilling was a total bust.
The Autobots, on the verge of extinction, battled valiantly to survive…
Wheeljack (FIRST AUTOBOT APPEARANCE): (crawling out of the freaking sewer system or something) Thank Primus we managed to get past all those guards by sneaking right underneath their feet (yes, very valiant).
Bumblebee: At least we found these energy conductors!
Wheeljack: And when those run out?
Bumblebee: Apparently, it doesn't matter, because they launch the ARK anyway. (loads into Wheeljack) I bet Optimus Prime will be glad to see us! (ooh, foreshadowing!)
(Driving along)
Wheeljack: Uh-oh, a Decepticon welcoming committee. Kind of makes you wonder why they can get away with just chilling on the border of Iacon. Don't we have guards or something?
Bumblebee: If we did, it would completely ruin the show's first ever battle scene!
(In the fight scene, Bumblebee's first shot is in the direction exactly opposite where the Decepticons are standing; don't know whtfx up with that)
BIG FIGHT SCENE:
Starscream: (incredibly deep voice) AUTOBOTS! STOP THEM!
(One of the Seekers fires off a big ring of fire)
Wheeljack: We've gotta get these energy conductors back to Iacon!
Bumblebee: I think that's already been established! But I'm right behind you! (transforms; and what the HELL, are they actually using the alien/ flying saucer cliché for Bee's first alt mode?!)
(Wheeljack somehow defeats fire with tiny whirling razor blades and begins driving forward)
Starscream: Hey, look, he's driving at us!
Thundercracker: Hey, he is!
Starscream: This is amazing! Let's just stand here and watch!
Thundercracker: Yes! Even though it takes him a good five seconds to get over here, we're not going to jump out of the way!
(Wheeljack runs them over)
Starscream: (same incredibly deep voice) AFTER THEM!
(The same chase scene animation is recycled about three times)
(Bumblebee is hit)
Wheeljack: Bumblebee, get in! Are you okay?!
Bumblebee: Yeah…I think it's my rear--
Wheeljack: Well, hang on, cuz I'm shifting into overdrive!
(please notice that his speed DOES NOT change)
(Wheeljack flies off of bridge)
Thundercracker: They've gone underground, we'll never catch 'em now!
Other Seeker: Actually, it looks like they just went over the bridge--
Thundercracker: They're underground, got it?!
(Back at Iacon)
(Soundwave releases Laserbeak to spy on the Autobots)
Soundwave: Laserbeak, Autobot alert. Because you are hundreds of feet in the air and on top of a dome, apparently you are in danger of being seen.
Laserbeak: (feels that maybe Soundwave should stop standing in the middle of the road, dumbaft)
Soundwave: Excuse me while I take my sweet time transforming. (does so) (Autobot drives by about two seconds later)
Autobot: Hey, I wonder where that Decepticon went who was standing here two seconds ago? Oh well :D
Soundwave: (transforms) Okay, continue.
Laserbeak: (sigh)
(Inside the dome, Jazz gets on the shaft to greet Optimus Prime) (INSERT SCREAMING FAN GIRLS)
Optimus: Any luck, Jazz?
Jazz: Nope--and where did Wheeljack and Bumblebee get to?
Prowl: Not sure, it's pretty vague.
Jazz: But they had energy conductors.
Optimus: Screw it, we are launching the ARK anyway.
(Laserbeak has taped the whole conversation; this scene will be recycled in the animated movie)
(Scene switch to Decepticon base, where we are introduced to the King Douchebag Megatron, the treacherous Starscream who no one ever bothers to kill even though he blatantly spouts that he's going to kill Megatron, and the biggest kiss-butt ever, Shockwave).
Megatron: Shockwave, I am trusting Cybertron to you! (a rough summary of a bunch of maniacal plotting)
Shockwave: Yes, oh wise and wonderful and esteemed leader! Cybertron shall be kept exactly as you left it!
Megatron: Exxxxxxxcellent. It is only a matter of time before Optimus Prime admits defeat!
Starscream: (now talking in a ridiculously high voice) The Autobots would've given up long ago if I'd been--
Megatron: Shut up, Starscream.
Starscream: My time will come, Megatron!
Megatron: Even though you are clearly insinuating that you are going to overthrow me, I am not going to do anything to you!
Shockwave: But you slaughter innocents by the thousands for no apparent reason! This guy not only has an annoying voice, but is openly declaring that he wants you dead!
Megatron: Yes, but because he is mainly a comic relief character, the writers want to keep him around! So shut up! And prepare to blast off!
(Scene switch!)
Optimus: You know, we really lucked out with this first launch scene. (By the way, Wheeljack and Bumblebee are still mysteriously absent)
Jazz: Whaddaya mean?
Optimus: Well, several episodes from now, there will be a flashback to this scene in which bombs are falling everywhere and I'm grief stricken over the death of my longtime girlfriend.
Jazz: But everyone knows flashbacks are just full of bullsh!t that the writers forgot to mention! Why the hell do you think Things Not Spoken is, like, half flashbacks?
Optimus: You're comparing the planning skills of a teenage girl to those of a bunch of guys making money off of a cartoon spin off of a toy line?
Jazz: Pretty much the same thing, really.
(The ARK launches, and about twenty feet away, so does the Nemesis. Somehow, the Autobots don't notice this. No wonder they wind up crashing into a freaking mountain.)
Prowl: Look, an asteroid! (The radars can pick up objects ten feet in front, but not the huge warship ten feet behind). Oh, look, another one!
Ironhide: They're going to collide!
Optimus: Really, what gave it away? The fact that two huge hunks of rock are rushing towards one another at high speeds or the fact that--
(asteroids collide, making a crap load of mini asteroids. Don't worry, the ship isn't blown backwards by the massive shockwaves or anything.)
(Ironhide gets thrown into a wall and gross green stuff starts coming out of nowhere)
Ironhide: I'm leaking lubricant!
Optimus: No one cares! Hang on, everybody! (Because no one acknowledges the fact that Ironhide is apparently bleeding to death, the entire point of that little scene was to show that Cybertronians have green blood) (seriously, did anyone get anything else out of that? Maybe to show that bumping into walls is extremely dangerous business)
(The scene continues)
Jazz: (supposedly gets knocked away, but it really looks like he just jumped out of his seat) You take over, Prime!
Optimus: Jazz!…Oh well. Ironhide, man the laser gun!
Ironhide: It sure is a good thing I'm not bleeding to death like I was thirty seconds ago! (mans laser gun)
(Using the laser gun to blow away the asteroid bits was actually a pretty good idea, so Plenoptic has no snarky comments on that bit)
(I feel like a freaking flamer. Phoenix, slap me!)
Prowl: Report! We are being followed!
TV audience: NO SH!T, SHERLOCK!
Optimus: Decepticons!
Prowl:…Now, I think that's a little subjective. It could just be another asteroid, you know.
Optimus: No, it's definitely the Decepticons! (swings ARK around in a mad circle)
(On board the Decepticon ship)
Soundwave: We have been detected.
Starscream: Hey, now, I think you're jumping to conclusions a bit. Maybe they're just changing course.
Soundwave: No, we've definitely been detected.
Megatron: Stay with them!
Starscream: Let's just blow them away! They've seen us! (Why didn't he suggest this before they even took off?)
Megatron: No, I want to know what they're after!
Soundwave:…Laserbeak taped the entire thing. We already know what they're after.
Megatron: No we don't! Follow them!
(So apparently the whole point of the Laserbeak spy scene was to show that Soundwave has little mechs in his chest)
Megatron: Prepare the tractor beam!
(Why does the ARK randomly stop moving here?)
Jazz: They've fired a magnetic laser! I can't shake them!
Ironhide: But you didn't even try!
Jazz: I'm getting the feeling that we have a very low animation budget, so just shut up!
Prowl: They're coming aboard!
Optimus: (points towards the Nemesis) Prepare for battle!
(The same clip is recycled here, so it plays out like the following)
Optimus: (points towards the Nemesis) (in Megatron's voice) Attack! ATTACK!
Soundwave: (manages to beat down three bots effortlessly before Ironhide kicks him in the back of the legs and he goes flying)
(The clips supposedly switch to another section of the battle, but no, it's just Soundwave fighting again. Apparently there are no other battle worthy Decepticons)
Ratchet: (gets thrown by Soundwave) (where the hell did Ratchet come from?!)
Prowl: The G-forces…pulling us down…
Optimus: We're out of control…!
(And so, after about three minutes of very slow flight, the ARK has crossed light years and galaxies to reach Earth, and the most sophisticated warship in the universe crashes into a mountain)
FOUR MILLION YEARS LATER
The volcano managed to awaken Teletran-1, who sets about recovering all of the Decepticons. I thought it was the Autobots' computer? Oh well. Anyway, despite the fact that Soundwave and Megatron were the only Decepticons fighting aboard the ARK, there are a good twenty Decepticon bodies laid out all over the place. Go figure.
(One of the Seekers is brought back, and he proceeds to revive Megatron)
Seeker (don't know all of their names): Megatron, my leader, we are alive again!
Megatron: We must revive all the other Decepticons!
Seeker:…Why don't we just kill all the Autobots now!
Megatron: Even though that is the obvious tactical choice, if we did that we wouldn't have a series here. This would just be a crappy oneshot on FFN!
Seeker: No! Not a oneshot!
Megatron: That is exactly why we must revive all the Decepticons and simply fly off! (By the way, now there are like ten Decepticons on board. Apparently the other ten or so disintegrated in the last forty five seconds).
Megatron: Much time has passed…
Starscream: How do you know?
Megatron: We are on a planet far from Cybertron…
Starscream: Well, it only took us about three minutes to get here…
Megatron: But our mission has not changed!
Starscream: So let's just kill the Autobots, who are still in stasis lock, and be done with it!
Seeker: How do we know Cybertron still exists?
Megatron: It must exist!
Seeker:…How do you know?
Megatron: It must exist!
Seeker: You're not even going to bother to back that up, are you?
Megatron: Shut up or I'll eat your innards! And with this planet's plentiful resources, we will return to Cybertron with--
Seeker: What plentiful resources? All you can see from here are mountains and dirt!
Megatron: Shut up!
(Starscream begins firing down at the ARK)
Megatron: Dammit, Starscream, if you kill the Autobots then we don't have a damn plot!
Starscream: I'm just saying good-bye!
Megatron: The hell you are! Let's go! (drags him off)
(Rock face crumbles, hitting the top of the ARK, and the tremor somehow manages to pick Optimus up and heave him across the ship)
(Optimus is repaired)
Optimus: Thanks! :D
(Seriously. I think this one word is the most out of character he's ever been).
(Scene change)
The Decepticons are walking around, surrounded by Earth's plentiful resources--dirt and mountains. Megatron selects two small rocks to serve as a base of operations. Apparently he took a few hits to the head. Starscream and Soundwave detect a city--wait, why the hell is there a city sitting out in the middle of nowhere?--and decide to use it for raw materials for a base.
Scene change again, and this time the ARK is not in a bare mountain valley, but a mountain valley with trees and grass and a waterfall. Go figure again.
Optimus: This planet is rich with sources of energy.
Prowl: Yes, but the humans haven't figured them out yet. For God's sake, America is still buying oil from countries that want to see it nuked off the face of the planet!
Optimus: Wait, isn't Plenoptic an American? Why is she bashing her own country?
Prowl: She is not bashing the country, just its government. Primus, even a teenager can figure out that this nation's going to the dogs. And in light of the recent presidential election, she is moving to Australia with Phoenix13.
Optimus: Is she really?
Prowl: No, not really, but she can piss of her Democrat teachers by saying so.
Optimus: Well, best stop this before Plenoptic's account gets locked by another infraction.
Prowl: I don't think there's a rule against political innuendos.
Optimus: The same poohead who reported her non-fictional story will probably report this one too. So in summary of all the lines we just skipped, find the Decepticons and stop them!
Hound: Stop them from doing what?
Optimus: Well, they know about this planet's plentiful energy!
Hound: The energy that America's oil industry hasn't already sucked up like a vacuum?
Optimus: Alright, we all know Plenoptic is very sore about losing her first car because it was a gas guzzler, but please go and stop the freaking Decepticons already.
(Scene change!)
Starscream: Someday, Megatron will be beaten, and you'll be taking orders from me, Rumble! (He is ignoring the fact that Megatron's most loyal man is standing right behind him)
(Scene change again!)
Hound: It sure is different from Cybertron!
Cliffjumper: Don't fall in love with it, Hound! We won't be staying here long! (Ooh, more foreshadowing!)
Hound: Do you smell something, Cliffjumper?
Cliffjumper: No!
Hound: Well, I do!
Cliffjumper: Yes, that was insinuated when you asked me if I smelled anything.
Hound: Look, Decepticons! How the heck did they build half a base in thirty seconds?! Primus, this episode makes Plenoptic's plot twists look well thought out and not written at midnight before a huge math exam!
Cliffjumper: What are they doin'?
Hound: Let's find out! (mini satellite dish pops out of his arm)
Megatron:…and steal its precious resources!
( Like dirt and mountains and water!)
(Cliffjumper takes out huge cannon--seriously, where the hell did that thing come from?)
Hound: What are you doing?! (Blatantly disobeying Prime's orders, that's what! INSERT SCREAMING MAD FAN GIRLS)
Cliffjumper: I've got Megatron dead center in my viewfinder! (takes the shot and misses)…Or not.
Seeker: Who could be shooting at us?!
Starscream: The Autobots, dumbaft!
Megatron: Impossible!
Seeker: We woke up. How is it impossible that they did too?
Megatron: Impossible!
Seeker:…Oh. Not backing this one up either?
Megatron: No I am not! Soundwave, send Laserbeak to investigate!
(Yet another chase scene ensues, in which the very tiny Laserbeak manages to defeat Hound with one shot. The fight scenes are proving themselves to be most inconsistent. I love this series :D)
(RESCUE SCENE!)
(Except nothing particularly amusing happens here. So we'll skip onto the next scene).
(Megaton sics Ravage on an innocent orange semi that pulls up to the base)
Ravage: (viciously attacks humans) (seriously, this show had to give kids nightmares)
Optimus decides to go after the Decepticons--surprise--and orders Jazz to arrange a battle team. Which basically consists of the main cast.
Jazz: Prowl, Trailbreaker, Wheeljack, Ironhide, Mirage, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe! Autobots, start your engines!
(TF: INDY 500!)
Optimus: Let's roll!
(Scene change)
Soundwave: Megatron, Laserbreak has returned. He has found a source of energy.
Megatron: Exxxxcellent. Exxxxxcellent.
Enter the first appearance of Spike Witwicky! Whitwicky? Whatever. Anyway, no screaming fan girls here: all the human characters need to die. This is the only time every fan will be on the Decepticon side. The humans decide to face this threat by chucking wrenches up at Megatron. That is an ancient art that only works for Ratchet, so this has no effect. Megatron throws a pipe at them and knocks them all over a cliff. Is this seriously a child friendly cartoon?
Rumble: (choking Spike's dad)
Spike: No! Let go of him! (punches Rumble and probably breaks his hand)
Rumble: (effortlessly hits him and throws him over the cliff)
Spike's Dad: (kicks Rumble and then throws himself over the cliff) (Plenoptic is done with this scene)
(Later, after all the humans are drowning. Mua ha ha).
Starscream: We did it, Megatron! We have the energy that resembles diarrhea! Now we can go back to Cybertron!
Megatron: You FOOL, Starscream! This is but a small fraction of the energy we need! We must suck this planet Earth dry!
Starscream: Wait, since when do we know the name of the--OMG, look! It's the Autobots!
(All the Autobots fly in Superman style) (or maybe Astro Boy?)
Megatron: Decepticons, transform! TRANSFORM! (Plenoptic can't help but notice that he is the only one who does so)
Unfortunately, at this point, the video Plenoptic was watching on youtube cut the episode off early, so…she has no idea what happens next. I was bored and had nothing else to do with my Turkey Day break, so this is the end product.
Happy Thanksgiving! If you're not into that, say you are so you can pig out with the rest of us!
Review only if you feel it's necessary, this was written mostly for the readers' enjoyment.
Plenoptic