A/N: This, of course, is dedicated especially to Audrey (LornaCat), who helps me through all my fic-related crises, and in general, for all those of us still pushing for season 4. I began writing this immediately following the finale; just a little something about what I wish would happen next. Enjoy!
x x x
"You have to tell her."
He hated how she was always right. "I don't know how, love," he objected.
"That's a lie. There are a million ways to say it, dad, you're just scared to," Emily said in a matter-of-fact tone, her perceptions right on point, as usual.
"Hey now, I resent that!" he exclaimed, half because it was true and half because he wanted to divert her attention from the current topic. Unfortunately for Cal, his daughter was very single-minded when it came to this.
"You just say, 'Gillian, you look great today, and by the way, I love you'. Or, 'Hey, Gill, wanna grab a movie tonight? Oh, and just so you know, I'm in love with you'. Or, 'Oi, Foster! Have I mentioned lately that I love you?'"
"Oh, it's that easy, is it?" he asked sarcastically.
"It is if you let it be," Emily replied, lifting an eyebrow, "Dad, come on. She deserves to hear it."
"And if she doesn't want to hear it? What then, eh?"
Emily rolled her eyes, "You're worse than the girls I go to school with. Dad, trust me. Just. Tell her."
"I'll work on it, love," he replied, kissing the top of her head as he stood up.
"No, dad. You'll do it. Promise me."
"I'll try my best," he vowed.
"There is no try. Only do."
"Yoda? Really? Shall I get you a little cloak and a lightsaber, then? You'll have to do better than that, love."
"You really are too stubborn for your own good, you know," she said, folding her arms over her chest.
"I know," he replied, walking into the kitchen to fix some beans on toast, "Believe me, I know," he muttered to himself.
x x x
When he saw Gillian at the office the next morning, he felt nervous. Vulnerable. Raw. Now that he'd finally admitted his feelings out loud (even though not to the right person), they felt more real than ever, and it scared the hell out of him. Emily made it sound so simple. Just tell her. If it were that easy, he'd have done it ages ago. If all he had to worry about was getting the words out, she'd have heard them by now.
The problematic thing was, it wasn't just about his feelings; it was about hers, too. It was about the possibility that she might not share what he felt, not to mention the fact that he believed himself utterly undeserving of such feelings from her, should she actually happen to return his love. It was about the fear that if, by some divine miracle, she did return his love and they did begin a new sort of relationship, he'd let her down. It was about a million other things that he couldn't quite put into words, and these things had been holding him back for as long as he could remember.
In all honesty, if he'd gotten a nickel for every time over the years that he'd thought, 'I love you, Gillian', or wished she'd leave her husband, or wanted to kiss her but couldn't, their company never would have had a single financial problem. He knew it was a horrible, selfish thing to wish a failed marriage upon her, but in the back of his mind, he rationalized that it was alright if she was meant to be with him in the end, rather than her husband.
If. He cursed all those 'ifs' every day.
He knew it had been a sin to fantasize about her when making love to his now ex-wife, to love and covet another woman when he was supposed to be happily married. He knew he would probably go to hell in a bloody hand basket for it, but that hadn't stopped him from feeling the way he did, nor did he regret it. He'd always known how he felt about Gillian. It wasn't just lust – well, perhaps at first it had been, but that feeling had quickly evolved, blossoming into something deeper than he ever imagined he was capable of feeling. Gillian awakened things in him that he wasn't aware existed. She reached him in ways no one else ever had. She understood him when he said nothing. She stood by him, even when he was wrong. She was his best friend, his partner, the woman he knew he needed in his life every day until he took his last breath.
The love he had for her made him feel as if his heart might explode at any moment, and it felt so insanely good, yet so completely terrifying. He had so many doubts. Would I be good enough for her? Would I make her happy? Does she really love me back, or is it all in my head? The only thing he knew for certain was that she (if he believed in that sort of thing) was his soul mate, his counterpart…
…now if only he could think of a way to let her in on the secret.
x x x
The day passed, then a week, then two. Emily had stopped asking every night whether or not he'd told her. She was rather adept at reading facial expressions by now, and his told her everything she needed to know: he hadn't mustered the courage yet. He'd attempted to on several occasions, but the words always seemed to get stuck and transform into something else entirely.
Emily decided that if her father's relationship with Gill was ever going to go anywhere, she needed to give them another little push. Getting Cal to verbally confess his feelings was a good first step. Now, he just had to get over his irrational fears, and in order to make that happen, she needed to talk to Gillian.
"Hey, Gill," Emily greeted her, having stopped by the Lightman Group after school the next day.
"Hey," Gillian responded, pulling Emily into a warm embrace, "How was your day?"
"Alright. A little awkward," Emily said, fishing for a reaction.
"Awkward how?"
Hook, line, and sinker. "Well, there's this guy," she said, plopping down on the couch with Gillian, "And I know I just got out of a relationship, but I've kinda had a really big thing for him for a long time. Actually, I think I might love him," she said carefully, "But every time I see him, I just keep clamming up. What do I do? I mean, if you loved someone…how would you tell him?"
Gillian considered this question, seeming momentarily to wonder why Emily was really asking it. "I suppose I'd have to wait for the right moment," she mused.
"But how do you know when it's the right moment, and how do you keep from missing it? What if the right moment comes along, but you're too scared to speak up?"
"Well, I…I think it's just a matter of weighing your desire to be with this guy against your fear of telling him how you feel. Sometimes, the strength of your desire can help with the fear part, and sometimes…sometimes, no matter how strong your desire is, it just can't seem to push the fear away. Then the fear wins." Gillian had a faraway look in her eyes, and Emily knew exactly what – or rather, who – was on her mind.
"Have you ever let the fear win before?" she asked softly.
Gillian swallowed (a sign of strong emotion, Emily noted), and nodded once. "A few times too many," she answered.
"Maybe," Emily offered, "It's time to let the fear go. With this guy, I mean. Who knows, maybe he's the one," she said with a knowing smile.
"Maybe he is," Gillian replied with a gentle smile.
"Thanks, Gill," Emily said, pulling her into another quick hug before jumping up from her seat. "I'm gonna go check in with dad."
"Alright, call me if—"
"If I need you. I will," she promised, unable to help the broad grin that spread across her face as she bounced down the hallways to her father's office. "Hey, dad," she said, poking her head in.
Cal rose from his desk chair, "Hey there, darling," he said, hugging her hello. "How was your day?"
Emily chuckled, "I just got done having that conversation with Gillian," she told him, "Nothing too exciting. You can ask her about it later."
"What brings you here, then?" he asked, amused by her apparent delight.
"I wanted to ask if I could stay at Sarah's tonight," she replied, and Cal nodded his consent.
"Just be home in time for lunch tomorrow, yeah?" he requested, kissing her forehead.
"I will, if you tell Gillian how you feel," Emily negotiated, catching her father off-guard, as evidenced by the surprise she read on his face. "Dad, she's not gonna reject you, and she deserves to know. Tell her."
"It's not that simple, love," he objected again.
Emily rolled her eyes, "And I'm telling you, it is."
"It's not a valid argument if you roll your eyes, Em," he deflected.
Emily deadpanned, setting her hands on his shoulders. "You love her. When you love someone, you tell them, because you never know when it might be too late. The timing has been off so many times, but it's also been perfect so many times, and you've missed too many chances, dad. Don't miss any more. Tell her. Today. Tell her right now." Emily smiled and kissed her father's cheek, "Love you, dad."
Cal stood, momentarily frozen, before replying. "Love you, too, Em."
"See how easy that was?" she quipped, smirking smugly.
"Go on, girl," he said, ruffling her hair and laughing softly. "I have to love you, I'm biologically obligated," he teased.
"You would anyway!" she called out as she left his office, feeling good about her skills and wondering whether she could make a good living as a professional matchmaker.
Cal paced around his office for a good fifteen minutes, trying to prepare his speech. Am I really doing this? he asked himself. He was not a man that got nervous often, but the idea of really telling Gillian how he felt, of pouring his heart out to her and taking such a huge leap…that terrified him. He knew the greater the risk, the greater the potential reward, but he was so afraid of what might happen if he didn't land on double zero.
Gillian had once commented that women like Poppy were the equivalent of roulette to him, but it wasn't true. This, his feelings for her, it was a game far more unpredictable than roulette. Those women had never meant anything to him, so they presented no consequences. Love, though, that was a different story entirely.
Gillian, he thought, going over it in his head yet again, putting his fears off for just a few more minutes, I know I haven't always been there for you like I should. I know I can be a miserable old sod, and I sure as hell know that I don't deserve you, but if you'll have me… He shook his head. No matter what he did, he couldn't quite manage to make it sound right. Truth be told, he knew he'd have to go on for at least an hour before he even began to cover what he felt for her. Condensing it all into a few sentences seemed impossible.
Cal took a deep breath, deciding that if he waited to get his speech just right, she'd never know how he felt, and Emily would continue to badger him unto eternity. It had to be done now, no looking back. He'd missed his chance when she'd first become single again, he'd missed his chance after Burns left, he'd wasted so many opportunities, and he was determined not to waste this one, as well. It was time.
He nodded once, collecting himself and taking purposeful strides towards the door. Just as he turned towards Gillian's office, he nearly collided with the very woman he'd been on his way to see. "Oi!" he exclaimed in surprise, unable to help smiling at the sight of her, "Funny, I was just on my way to see you," he told her.
"Hm, we must be psychic," she joked.
"Must be," he agreed, "Listen, Gill, can you come in here for a minute? There's somethin' I need to tell you, and it can't wait."
Gillian's brow furrowed in concern, "Should I be worried?"
Cal let out a soft chuckle and shook his head, "I certainly hope not, love," he replied, stepping back into his office with her and taking a seat on the couch. "I'm not exactly sure how to say this. It's somethin' I've been trying to figure out for a long time," he began, "The thing of it is," he paused to take a breath, and she began to speak.
"Cal, I—I'm sorry to interrupt, it's just, there's something I have to say, too. Ever since Claire died, I've been thinking about my own life, and how letting fear take precedence over happiness, it—" she paused in her speech, sighing softly and shaking her head, "I can't let it win anymore. I love you, Cal. Not just in a 'let's-be-friends-and-run-a-business-together-and-respect-the-line' kind of way, it's more of a, 'can't-function-properly-without-you, want-you-by-my-side-and-not-just-as-friends, forget-the-damn-line' kind of way. I'm in love with you."
She looked positively terrified, which simultaneously delighted Cal and left him dumbstruck. She was as frightened as he was about it, but she loved him back. "Please say something," she whispered, tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes. Cal reached out, cradling her face in his hands and brushing her tears away with his thumbs.
"Gillian," he said quietly, a smile playing on his lips, "You beat me to it, love."
"Wh-what?" she asked, her voice shaky.
"Before you so wonderfully interrupted, I was about to tell you," he took a breath, "That I love you, too. In a, 'share-my-life-with-you, get-to-kiss-you-whenever-I-bloody-well-please-even-though-I-don't-deserve-you' kind of way," he finally admitted, grinning broadly despite his fear.
Gillian's tears of doubt turned into tears of joy, and she let out a laugh so full of mirth that Cal couldn't help but laugh along. "We're quite the pair, aren't we?" she asked, her hands now on either side of his face, as though to assure herself that this was real.
"I'd say we are," he replied, finally taking the step he'd wanted to take for years as he kissed her.
"Oh my god, finally!" Emily's excited voice came from the doorway. Cal and Gillian broke their kiss in surprise and looked over at the delighted Lightman daughter.
"Excuse you, young lady, I thought you were goin' to your friend's house," Cal said, standing up and helping Gillian up with him.
"Oh please, like I was really gonna go anywhere without making sure you kept your promise," Emily told him, grinning. She walked over and wrapped them both in a warm embrace.
Gillian laughed, and Cal kissed his daughter's head. "Well done, girl," he complimented her.
"Well done, yourselves," Emily said, pulling back and grinning at them, "I'm proud of you." Cal and Gillian laughed, hugging Emily again. In that moment, they both knew that facing their fears, even when the stakes were high, was far better than keeping silent.