Rating: Pg-13
Warnings: References to violence, suicide, and mental illness.
Summary: Kink meme de-anon. Sweden struggles with a symptom of OCD known as Morbid Obsessions.
Author's Note: Morbid Obsessions are sometimes a symptom of OCD. A person suffering from morbid obsessions will develop an irrational and obsessive fear of hurting themselves and/or others, even if they would never do such a thing. Please note that these obsessions do not lead to action, and sufferers do not act out their obsessions.
He wouldn't do it. There was no way that he would do it. Yet the images flashed before his mind's eye like violent crime scene snapshots. He saw a knife in his hand, its cold metal stained with blood. His blood.
Berwald Oxenstierna was not a suicidal man. But something in him feared the illogical idea of him killing himself, and he could not, for the life of him, explain why.
The knives sat in a wooden storage block on the counter; their black, ergonomic handles daring him to take one and pierce his own heart. No. He couldn't let this happen, even if it never would. With an annoyed grunt; Berwald hoisted the knife block into his arms and hid it in a small cabinet. Out of sight, out of mind. Now, he could finally sit down and read the paper until Tino and Peter got home from the park.
The images, the God forsaken images, came back as soon as he thought of his little family. The knives in the cabinets, Berwald could use them on others too. The idea terrified him, how could he possibly think like this? Was he insane? Were his Viking days coming back to haunt him?
Morbid snapshots, this time of Tino and Peter, impaled and lifeless, assaulted Berwald's mind. He gasped and got the knife block out of the cabinet. He would have to put them someplace safer. Frantically, Berwald rushed to the guest bed room. Aha! The door to the seldom used closet stood before him. Hastily, he stuffed the knife block onto the topmost wire shelf and slammed the door shut, running to the living room, taking a seat in his favorite chair.
Berwald sighed and flipped through the newspaper appreciatively; he loved reading about current issues, and debating about said current issues, even if he was rather taciturn. He was relieved that he had managed to put the images out of his mind, but he was still horrified. Every time he managed to banish his improbable obsessions, they would always return later; like the lingering scent of old fish in a freezer, they never truly went away.
Of course, he had considered telling Tino about this paranoia he had, but was unable to. Berwald recalled their early days together; it seemed that his unreadable face had frightened Tino at first, and the memory broke his heart. He could not tell Tino about this, he couldn't bear to see his beloved wife afraid of him once more. Then there was the thought of losing him. What if Tino decided that he was crazy, and took Peter and fled the house? No. Berwald would not let that happen, he had to keep his condition a secret, even if it was painful
So Berwald adjusted his glasses and continued reading; hoping that somehow, he would find relief.