Warning: Attempted suicide, mentions of sexual intercourse, mentioned slash, teasing of the neck, psychological traumas and other triggers.
Author's Note: These events take place after Doomsday, 42, The Last of the Time Lords, Midnight, Journey's End, and The Water of Mars respectively. Midnight's part is written as jumbled thoughts. Journey's End's part revolves around Death's Kiss. ALL MISTAKES ARE MINE!
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Six Times
Bro-ken:
Adjective
Having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order
(of a person) having given up all hope; despaired
He lost her. He lost his precious pink-and-yellow human. He lost Rose. He didn't even say a proper good-bye! Two minutes was all he had. Just two brief, quick, fleeting minutes. And what did he do? Have a nice little chat! She said that she was going to be with her mum, dad, Mickey, and… and the baby. For a few seconds he was afraid. Afraid that Rose might be pregnant with someone else's child. Or his own. It was obvious that Rose and him weren't just friends. They had slept with each other and, most probably, had made love. But thank Rassilon that she wasn't pregnant at all.
She told him that she loved him. She told him that many times, but those were brief responses. The casual response you give to someone that you're close with. He wanted to tell her that as well. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her smile; the way she talked and walked. The way her hair glowed when the sun hit it, giving off a lovely shade of yellow. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her.
But he can't.
He can't tell her how much he loved her. He just can't- Maybe he shouldn't- No. He doesn't deserve to be here without her. He doesn't to deserve to be here at all. He could-
"Where am I?" A female voice pierced through the air. He looked up from the console and saw a woman with ginger hair wearing a white dress.
"What?" He exclaimed. Who was this and how did she get on board? No more time to wallow, he had to figure this out.
.
.
He was so afraid. That sun entered him and took over. He couldn't feel anything. Anything but the pain. Oh, the pain! The pain was unbearable, agonizing, intolerable… satisfying. He deserved the pain. Deserved, what a funny word. That was a sign; a sign that he shouldn't be here anymore.
He should die.
A Time Lord lives too long. The Universe doesn't need him. Nobody needs him.
But what about Martha? Martha can take care of herself. Besides, she would understand why he killed himself. She has to understand.
That's why when Martha asked him if he was alright, he responded by:
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to go to my room."
And it worked like a charm.
Once he was in his room, he ruffled through the cabinets, piles of clothes, and his bed. Finally, he found a small little box under his bed. He opened it eagerly and saw a small, golden blade. He picked up the blade gingerly and placed it onto his wrist.
Wait.
No.
This isn't right.
He wasn't afraid of dying. Why would he be? He was afraid he would hurt Martha. He liked Martha, not in a lover way, more like a strong friendship. Why would he do this? He can't do this.
Yes, you can. You could have always done this. Every lifetime had an opportunity. They never took it; now, here you are. This is your chance, Martha would understand. You were afraid; it damaged you psychologically and physically, believe it or not. Now, you can do it.
"I- I can't…" he stammered. "I can't do it!"
"YES YOU CAN! YOU ALWAYS COULD! NOW DO IT!" The voice screamed.
A thud was heard on the floor. The Doctor fell to the ground and started to sob. The sobs shook his body violently and they instantly turned into screams.
The Doctor continued like that, and he hoped that Martha wouldn't hear him.
.
.
The Doctor lingered near the console of his beloved ship, his hands ghosting on the controls. Martha left him. Jack left him, as well. As for the Master… he tried to control his emotions. He can't cry; he promised himself that he wouldn't.
Stop being weak! He scolded himself. He inwardly sighed and sat on the small couch. So much happened… He was sent to the end of the Universe; discovered that his friend, enemy, was still alive; was captured and tortured for a whole year, and what did he do to solve it? Make it all seem like a three minute scandal.
He was alone now. For once and for all, he was alone.
When he found out that the Master was still alive, he felt fear but he also felt a sudden desire.
A desire to be with him, the only other Time Lord in the Universe.
Stop that! You felt no desire whatsoever! He scolded himself once again. But then again… he was a bit-
He smiled to himself. This was a first. The small smile turned into a grin; then, he went into a fit of giggles and muffled laughter.
"This is incredible!" He shouted to no one around him. "I have feelings for him! After all these years!"
His ship hummed, cautiously asking him a question.
His eyebrows were brought together. "What? No. Not in my other regenerations. This body is weird."
'And weak,' said a voice. He got up from his sitting position and glanced around. No one was here, but that voice was oddly familiar.
"Who's there?" He inquired.
The voice laughed. 'Let's say subconscious. You have feelings for him, eh?' The voice paused waiting for an answer.
"What else would it be?" The Doctor replied, crossing his arms across his chest.
'Then you should feel guilt. It was your fault he got shot. You didn't see her, you see everything! How could you not see her?' The voice ranted.
The Doctor felt a pang of overwhelming feelings. It's his fault the Master died. How couldn't he see her?
"It's my fault." The Doctor repeated. "It's my fault."
'And want to know your punishment is?' The voice sneered.
Punishment? He needed a punishment? "No, what is it?"
'Dying. Get the mallet.' It ordered. The Doctor did as he was told and held the mallet in his hands.
'I want you to hit your head with this mallet repeatedly until you die. Got that?'
"Yes…"
No, hold on! He wasn't going to do this! He wasn't going to kill himself! He wasn't going to hit himself with the mallet! He wasn't going to-
The Tardis wheezed violently, sending the suicide thoughts away from him. Something was wrong with her.
"What's wrong?! Did anything bypass your systems or-!" He was cut off by a loud crashing sound and was sent to the floor. Bits of wood and dust flew about and he coughed. He got up and dusted himself and looked at the ground. There was life float and on it, it read TITANIC.
"What?" He exclaimed, going into a spiral of 'what' once again.
.
.
You can't really relive some terrors.
Some of them fade away. For example, failing an exam; forgetting to return a book; or spilling coffee over important documents. But those are small terrors.
You can't forget large terrors.
Those stay forever. Midnight was one of them. You can't forget of that! That creature had evolved right in front of them; growing in power and strength.
He's too tired to relive those events. He needs to lie down.
He needs to go to sleep.
"You should sleep," Donna's voice interrupted his thoughts. He looked up at her and smiled. He fell onto the ground.
Relive it. Relive every single millisecond. That is your punishment. You aren't supposed to be breathing.
"Do we have a deal?" Skye's voice purred.
"Do we have a deal?" The Doctor's voice repeated.
No, please no! No, please don't take my voice!
"Oh, look at that. I'm ahead of you," Skye mused, clenching and unclenching her hands.
"Oh, look at that. I'm ahead of you," the Doctor repeated again. He was useless.
Someone, anyone, please help me! Please help me! Help me! Help me! Help. Help. Help. Help. Help.
Help… what was that?
"Listen." Skye ordered.
"Listen," he choked.
"Just listen." She ushered again.
"Just listen!" She is mocking me.
Then he felt a few minutes pass, but he was still repeating. After that, he felt a pair of arms grab him.
Darkness grabs you…
They were pulling him somewhere… where was he? Where was this? Where am I? Where am I?!
I don't know where I am! I don't know where I am!
He screamed.
.
.
How could this happen? He let all of his companions go away.
Rose was on a parallel world with the clone; Jack, Mickey, and Martha were leading their lives with Unit and Torchwood; Sarah Jane was with her son, Luke; and Donna forgot.
She forgot that she was the Doctor-Donna. The brilliant Doctor-Donna! She was a star; a brilliant, shining star. But… but…
He let out a strangled cry. How could he let this happen? Why did he wipe out his companion's mind?
Why did you leave Susan with that man, David?
Why did you let the Time Lords erase Jamie's and Zoe's memories?
Why did you leave Sarah Jane in Aberdeen, Scotland instead of South Croydon?
Why did you let the Cybermen kill Adric?
Why did you let Peri shoot at a man?
Why didn't force Cass with you?
Why did you abandon Jack at the Game Station?
Why did you leave Rose in the parallel world?
Why did you let Martha go?
Why are you still here?
"Shut up! Who have no right to ask me any of that!" He shouted at the voice inside his head. Those problems weren't his fault. It was never his fault.
Then you let Lynda die.
Remember?
Robert died.
Scooti and Toby died.
Astrid died.
Jenny died.
Everywhere you go, destruction follows.
The Doctor couldn't take this anymore. This was getting annoying. Whenever something tragic would happen, there would always be that little voice in his head to make him take the easy way out.
No.
There is and never was an easy way out. Life doesn't work that way. In life, you have to work your way through any hardship. And, in his opinion, he was doing pretty well.
"Who are you?" He asked out loud. "Are you some kind of entity trying to get rid of me by pressuring me my most hurtful memories? If so," at this, he expanded his arms out. "Come at me."
Oh you. It chuckled. You are truly pathetic. Do you really think I am an entity?
The Doctor nodded, sure of himself. He knew that he was right. He always was.
There was a sudden burst of energy around the console and the Doctor felt himself fall.
It was painless. It was dark.
He couldn't see anything at all. But somehow the darkness was comforting. The way you would feel around your mother. Well…
That's right, the voice whispered in his ear, and he felt a pair of arms around him. Just succumb to it. It is okay, it's all okay.
He grasped the arms tightly. He didn't want to let go. This felt wonderful. This feeling of total emptiness. He could stay like this; falling with the comfort of someone falling with him. He closed his eyes and sighed. The arms hugged him tighter and he felt cold breath against his neck. He leaned closer to them and felt cold butterfly kisses on his neck. This, of course, felt so wrong.
But it felt so right at the same time.
He felt the pair of arms move their way up and unveiled his neck. He partially opened his eyes, but could see nothing. This was okay, the voice said, it was okay to succumb to it. He then felt a weird sensation along his neck. Something was biting him. He opened his mouth to protest but the voice spoke first.
Doesn't it feel nice? This sensation of biting? Focus on it.
He did focus on it and it did feel nice. Actually, it felt really good.
"It does feel wonderful…" The Doctor agreed.
Do you want more? They asked.
"Yes…" he urged. As soon as he said that he felt more kisses and bites along his neck
If only he knew this was the darkness dragging him down.
.
.
"No!" He yelled out as the cloister bell rang around the console.
He went too far. He went to a fixed point in time and saved three people.
He wasn't supposed to that.
Of course he was supposed to that! He is the Time Lord Victorious.
No he isn't!
Yes he is!
No!
Yes!
"Stop it!" He shouted. "I'll resolve this." With that, he pushed some buttons and set to a different destination.
When the Tardis thumped, he grabbed his overcoat and opened the doors. He was in a red, rocky planet. There were clumps of yellow grass near pools of purple, blue, and green. It was beautiful planet, really, and it looked prettier at night.
This is okay, he thought. 'Okay'… What a peculiar word. It just hides your fear.
He closed the Tardis door and walked on. He found this planet a few years back when Ace left him. Just before regenerating; right before the Time War. This planet was so relaxing because it had no civilization, which was weird. But it was peaceful.
He strolled over to one of the lakes, the purple one, and crouched down. He dipped his hand in the cool water. He observed as the ripples of water expanded out. He also saw his reflection. His face was a bit pale and his cheeks looked hollow. There were dark circles under his eyes and he just looked tired. He looked so tired. The Curse of the Time Lords, eh? Makes you look older.
He smiled at that. He remembered when he, Koschei, and Ushas (well, sometimes) joked about that.
"The Curse of the Time Lords!" Ushas exclaimed, expanding her arms about. She jumped, excited, and her dark hair bounced.
Koschei rolled his eyes and added, "Yup, what do you Theta?" He turned to a blond haired boy who was engulfed in book about Earth Quantum Physics.
"Hey!" Ushas snapped her fingers. "Come back to us, Theta! Theta!"
"Oh! Sorry about that. It was getting interesting. What were you two talking about?" He asked. Both Ushas and Koschei sighed; Ushas adding the face palm.
"What do you think about the Curse of the Time Lords?" Koschei asked again.
"You know that's a myth, right? What curse? It's all made up!" Theta explained. Ushas stopped jumping and pouted.
"You are no fun at all." She said.
Koschei smiled at that and glanced over at Theta. Theta looked at him and smiled, too.
They were gone now. The Rani most probably died. And the Master died, of course. He saw it happen. What was he going to do? Oh, right. He proceeded to take off his red Converse and socks. Then he unbuttoned his blue jacket (along with his tie) and set it aside. He sighed and settled in the water.
The water was pleasantly cold and went lower until half his face was only visible. He blinked a couple of times and went under water.
There was really nothing under water. It was empty and clear. He moved deeper in and opened his mouth. He saw the air bubbles escape from his mouth and extended his arms; moving deeper into the water. Due to his respiratory bypass system, he could breathe in the water.
He felt sudden terror hit him.
He didn't know why, but panic started to rise up in his chest. He felt himself choking and he tried to tug of his collar shirt. He successfully undid a few buttons but he still felt himself choking.
No! He can't die now! Not now!
He tried to emerge from the water but he couldn't. He just couldn't!
You deserve this. You know you do.
He screamed, more air bubbles evading. But he couldn't.
Someone please help me! Please!
"AAAAGGGGHHHH!" He choked out, and with sudden strength, he burst out into the air. He gasped a few times, letting the sweet, sweet air in. He crawled over to the shore and laid there for a while. His clothes were so wet. He should take them off… Nah.
He breathed in a few more times until he felt a little bit better. He moved himself into a sitting position and glanced out into the distance. The moon was setting and the Blue Triple Suns were rising. His breath hitched and he realized that he was going to show Martha this planet. Instead he took her to New New York. He was so stupid; he really should've taken her here. He still can…
No.
Wow, how many times has he said that word? It doesn't matter.
He picked up his clothes and shoes and headed towards the Tardis. He has seen enough for today.
.
.
In the end, he eventually died. But he died in honor.
He did it in honor of his companion, Wilfred, and entered the radiation booth. At this point, he had forgotten about killing himself, all of friends leaving him, and the voice. That didn't matter anymore because he was going to regenerate.
A new man!
A new man who would forget all of his sorrows and regrets.
He will be the Man Who Forgets.